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Thread: Journey of a Broken Soul

  1. #11
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    Didn't know it existed, I'm new to the forum. Thank you HollyJ.

    Admins - please move the thread. Thank you!

  2. #12
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    Days are passing and I'm getting stronger.

    I have low days when it seems like EVERYONE is leaving me and I start thinking it's me.
    But, I found my therapy.
    I found my source of light.
    I go back to it.
    I'm rising.
    I'm growing.
    I'm getting better.
    I'm learning how to be happy with myself. Alone.
    Independent.
    Loved by me.

    You...on the other side... are falling deeper and deeper in the abyss.
    2 little words and you could be saved.
    But your pride is still holding you back.
    I will not offer first.
    I will not throw myself into your darkness again.
    Reach your hand out and you shall be saved.

    I'm loved.
    I'm proud.
    I'm strong.
    I'm happy.

    I will be fine without you.
    I will be even better with you.

    Reach your hand out....

  3. #13
    Gold Member Johnny Utah's Avatar
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    He sounds unsure of himself and may suffer from some mental health issues. Making grandiose claims and then saying you're not compatible and contradicting it later, is not a solution for a healthy relationship. He needs to figure his end out before he can be with somebody.

  4. #14
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    Johnny Utah - thank you. We talked about it already, and he had one counseling session for which he said it helped and he wants to continue, but never did. :(

    .
    .
    .

    Today is one of those days.
    I'm feeling down. I feel lost.
    From tomorrow I'll be all alone. And it scares me.
    It scares me to come home from work and be alone with the white walls and silence.
    I feel major changes are coming my way, and I know I need to get up and chase them.
    But... what if they take me too far away from you? From us?

    Now it seems like I'm losing you, too.
    Although I already lost you long time ago.
    Why can't you find motivation to fight for yourself?
    Why did you let go?
    You think I don't, but I know... I see... I hear from people how much you ask about me. How happy you were that I gave you a hug.
    I see the missing in your eyes.
    But we both know that we need to get better and stronger first.
    I am on my way.
    Where are you?
    Why are you sinking instead of rising?

    WAKE UP!

  5.  

  6. #15
    Gold Member Johnny Utah's Avatar
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    One of the things that anchors me is to remind myself that anxiety and sadness are not actually PRESENT.

    They are either about things lost (past) or something to come (future).

    To me, that means it doesn't have to exist in the present because it already happened or it won't happen because I can't predict the future.

    Don't give power to something that's either gone or won't occur.

  7. #16
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    Johnny - did you read "Power of Now" ? This book really helps me get better each day, and what you said sounds like you read it :)

    Anyways, back to my journey.

    Yes, I am alone.
    For the first time in my life I am 100% on my own.
    Family is far far away.
    My best friend and love of my life is here, but not really.
    I chased away a group of people pretending to be my friends when they were just using me.
    Yes, I am anxious. Being an introvert it's not easy to get new group of people, but I want to try and see how it is to truly be on your own.
    I am much better mentally. Yes, I have bad days, but I found my cure to get up. I am getting stronger each day. I will be fine.

    The only confusing thing is you in my life again. We always find way back to each other. Why are we so connected?
    You keep me wondering what is behind all of this... I try not to listen to people around me, telling me you want to come back... I know I have to wait until you say it yourself, to even consider such option.
    I am not going to predict or hope.
    Right now you are not clear enough, and that is enough for me to continue getting stronger without you.
    When a moment comes when you will openly tell me what is that you want, that is when I will think about it.

  8. #17
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    Once again you push me away.
    I'm tired of these games, hot and cold.
    I know you are not doing it purposefully, but I can't allow it anymore.
    I am not a person who is going to play control games.
    You know that oh so very well.

    I'm starting from scratch once again, but I can do it!
    If I did it so many times, I'll succeed again.
    And don't expect favors from me.
    Don't call me only when you need me or something from me.
    I am NOT there anymore.
    You lost that right.

    I will defeat this pain.
    I will be happy again!
    I will be strong and confident again.
    I cannot wait to go home and recharge.
    I will come back stronger and happier.

    I am not around for you anymore.
    I swear to myself today and now that I will talk to you ONLY if you have something specific to say.
    Forget about friendship.
    Forget about your punching bag.

    The focus is on me and only me from this moment forward!

  9. #18
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    Today I made few lists.
    One was about us at the begging.
    Everything we did for each other. How our days were. How you were. How I was.

    The other list was about how it was once the honeymoon phase was over.
    I put all the goods and bads next to each other.
    Not just yours, but mine as well. This really helped me realize how I was treated and how I treated you.
    It opens my eyes and helps me with this NC stage of our story...

    What happened? I know it wasn't over night, but... when did it start?
    From the most gentle, caring person who looked at me with eyes full of love and pride... to eyes never looking at me, and only seeing me as your enemy????

  10. #19
    Gold Member Johnny Utah's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Doosha
    Johnny - did you read "Power of Now" ? This book really helps me get better each day, and what you said sounds like you read it :)

    Anyways, back to my journey.

    Yes, I am alone.
    For the first time in my life I am 100% on my own.
    Family is far far away.
    My best friend and love of my life is here, but not really.
    I chased away a group of people pretending to be my friends when they were just using me.
    Yes, I am anxious. Being an introvert it's not easy to get new group of people, but I want to try and see how it is to truly be on your own.
    I am much better mentally. Yes, I have bad days, but I found my cure to get up. I am getting stronger each day. I will be fine.

    The only confusing thing is you in my life again. We always find way back to each other. Why are we so connected?
    You keep me wondering what is behind all of this... I try not to listen to people around me, telling me you want to come back... I know I have to wait until you say it yourself, to even consider such option.
    I am not going to predict or hope.
    Right now you are not clear enough, and that is enough for me to continue getting stronger without you.
    When a moment comes when you will openly tell me what is that you want, that is when I will think about it.
    Great catch! I believe I did. Very profound.

  11. #20
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    Its been over two weeks, so lets update the journal.

    In these two weeks Ive learned how to cut my downs and to get right back up.
    Ive learned drinking and partying only makes me feel terrible.
    Ive learned I hate dating apps, and I just need it to happen spontaneously. So, im letting it go.
    Ive learned I am not ready for a new guy or even flirting. Makes me feel uncomfortable.

    Loneliness is still killing my vibe, but that is slowly getting better, too.

    Its been a little bit over 4 months.
    I still miss my best friend.
    I still have the feeling in my gut.
    But Im letting it happen as its meant to be.
    Either we will get back together or we will not. Im fine with both.
    I now know I will be fine either way.

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