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Should we break up? I need insight.


TinaF

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I need objective perspective on this issue. I love this guy and I know a new partner will be nearly impossible to find for me. This is why I am so reluctant about letting it go. However, I'm not sure this is enough of a reason.

 

So this is my story: This guy and I have been together for seven years, since we were 16. I didn't want the relationship at first, but he convinced me to give it a try and I was hooked soon after. A year or so into the relationship, things started going very bad. We were abusive to each other because we didn't know how to deal with the intensity the romantic relationship brought. It never got physical, but it did get nasty and I'd rather not go into details. Each acknowledging their part in the messed-up situation and knowing that was no way to respond to frustrations, we thought we can overcome the unhealthy patterns. And against all odds, we somewhat did. We stopped the abusive behaviour and his urge to control my life seemed to tune down. However, we argued a lot, but I guess all couples do. On the other hand, we share a very strong bond, we always enjoyed our time together and we understand each other profoundly. The relationship provides many things for both of us - companionship, support, comfort. About two years ago I left for 8 months for a student exchange, so we were long-distance. Before, I had thought this distance from him will either make me realize I don't want this relationship, or it will make me realize that I really do want it. I came back a year ago and never before had I been so sure that I want to make it work for us. We moved in together and things rapidly started to deteriorate. About six months after I got back home, I started feeling the urge to leave. The arguments intensified and three days ago, he broke it off. I began the healing process and resisted the urge to try to get him back. Today I sent him a sort of a closure message in which I expressed my grief and thanked him for all the good things. I was expecting a similar response, but instead, he called me and told me he wasn't sure he wanted to end things. He feels as though he will never find anyone with whom he'd be more compatible and I feel the same way. Now, I'm really confused about what to do and what I want. All the things I could accomplish without him seem meaningless if I'm on my own, but I know this is a natural response to breaking up. I'm still not sure if this is the right step, because I know we're not a bad match and I know for a fact there aren't that many fish in the sea for me, as I really won't settle for an average guy. I feel like I lost all of my common sense and I need someone to advise me. :icon_sad:

 

Here I will list what my issues with this relationship are and why I feel they may be less of a problem than it seems right now.

 

1. We seem to find a different thing to argue about every few months. We have resolved many problems. A lot of the things that once seemed unfixable are totally not an issue anymore. But there is always a new frustration on the horizon.

 

2. We have many perpetual differences, but so does every couple. I am vegan and much more liberal in my political views. He's not exactly a right-winger, but this causes a lot of frustration right now. I am incredibly sensitive to all forms of social injustice and every harmless casually racist or sexist joke upsets me, even though I know he's a good person at heart and that these are nothing more than black humour.

 

3. We have different lifestyle preferences. I like to be busy and running around the town, joining different clubs and meeting friends. He likes to stay at home and do his work. It's not an issue for me, but he wants me to spend more time at home. I percieve this as him trying to limit my contact with others and I resent him for not being more supportive of my hobbies. I know he just wants more time with me, but I am extremely protective of my individuality and freedom and I percieve his frustration with me being out and about as a threat to my independence. At the same time, he admires my ambition and intellect and would never settle for a less ambitious woman. He himself takes on a lot of different hobbies and ultimately, our goals and values in this field are the same. We both want each other to excel at what we do, he just prefers to do it from home.

 

4. I am not going to settle down anytime soon. There's a whole wide world for me to explore and there are so many things I want to do abroad. I am willing to compromise some of it and he seems open to the idea of being long-distance every once in a while. I also don't want children and I let him know that. He said he doesn't neccessarily want a family in the future, but he wants to feel like I'm open to it. I'm not. Again, I don't think our desires here are so incompatible, since he's definitely not interested in an average family life.

 

5. His communication style drives me crazy and mine drives him crazy. I complain over the smallest things, which I know is unhealthy. He gets deffensive for every single smallest reproach. I know this is an easily fixable problem, but we don't seem to be doing a good job.

 

6. He has controlling tendencies and this might be the biggest deal breaker for me. Instead of feeling liberated and encouraged to pursue my identity with him, I feel like I often have to fight for it. A few weeks ago I told him my friend is coming to visit me and we're going to travel around a neighbouring country (it's an EU country, completely safe for tourists). Instead of enthusiasm and support I wanted from him, he instantly responded negatively, one part of it being a concern for my safety, the other being a concern we won't have enough time together. He understands these responses hurt me and he's working hard on trying to change them, but if in his heart he has so little encouragement for me, does it really matter? A few years ago, he had a meltdown over me slightly altering the colour of my hair. He wholeheartedly admits that his response was completely inappropriate and I agree that he still has the right to dislike it. But this incident has stuck with me.

 

7. Resentment. All of the bad things that happened, including the hair incident, while we were immature teenagers. We resolved them relatively quickly, but when I think about how much unhealthy stuff we put each other through it makes me sick. For the longest time I treated it as past - nothing more than a bitter memory that we have successfully overcome. But in the last few months the resentment started resurfacing. Can it be overcome?

 

8. I've always had this strange gut feeling about our relationship. It hasn't been overpowering so I usually just brush it off as natural doubts that all couples face about their relationship. A large part of this gut feeling was caused by my super conservative parents that prohibited me from sleeping at his place and cut of financial support when I moved in with him. It sucks, but it's not the guy's fault. It's hard to determine where these doubts are actually coming from. Should I be paying more attention to my intuition?

 

I love him and he's by far the best friend I ever had, not even my parents or siblings ever understood me as clearly as he does. And I know another person like this is going to be exceedingly hard to find. Please, give me some objective insight on this. Should I give this relationship another chance or should I let it go for good?

 

I appologise if the solution here is glaringly obvious, but it's really not that obvious to me, especially since all my heart wants is to be back with him.

 

Thanks!

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Your first love is meant to end because you will grow and change and become different people. It's really that simple.

 

What you describe here aren't minor issues, but major, serious incompatibilities. Your relationship is really just clinging on to what's comfortable while making each other completely miserable....if you are truly honest about it. Basically, opposites initially attract but then they clash and that's really your entire relationship history.

 

As for you won't find better....of course you will. Your fear to let go of what's familiar, even when it's bad, is pretty normal. However, you can't let fear dictate your entire life. You've got to let go. Go live your life in full. Go travel and do your thing and be free and single for awhile. Learn how to be you. You've been in a relationship since 16, so you really never even gave yourself a chance to grow as an individual person, without being one half of. I know that in the end, as you pursue your life and your passions, you'll meet someone who is more a like spirit and much much much more compatible with you. Your bf deserves the same to be honest.

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Tina,

 

You have been broken up for 3 days after a seven year relationship that started when you were 16. You have listed all valid reasons to take a break. It sounds like you two are different, but have manage to convince yourselves that this works. As DF said it's very comfortable, why would you want to leave the comfort you've known for seven years.

 

Here's why:

 

1. We seem to find a different thing to argue about every few months.

2. We have many perpetual differences.

3. We have different lifestyle preferences.

4. I am not going to settle down anytime soon. (Sounds like he has settled down already)

5. His communication style drives me crazy and mine drives him crazy.

6. He has controlling tendencies and this might be the biggest deal breaker for me

7. Resentment.

8. I've always had this strange gut feeling about our relationship. (I don't think your gut feeling is that strange to you.)

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but this is your list. You seem to try and justify every thing after the first sentence, but here it is, your list

 

Just stay the course of being broken up and go no contact for the time being. If you are still communicating, tell him you think you should stop communicating and go no contact and see where that leads you. You've been together too long to just stop talking to him without telling him you are doing so.

 

To say you will never find anyone is just not true. You will not find anyone just like him, but maybe that's a good thing.

 

We are all here for you and post as much as possible.

 

Mitch

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Thank you for your reply! I didn't take it as you being mean, but yes, this is my list. I made a list of problems, but I could make a list of all the good things we had that would be much longer.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure how many of these problems are solvable. I've read a whole lot on relationship incompatibilities and I've read John Gottman's book twice and my desperate mind found a way to see those problems as normal and manageable. I know relationships are difficult, but I'm lacking perspective on how difficult is still normal.

 

Thank you for your supportive words, it really matters a lot not to feel so alone! =)

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Well, first of all you believe in some general statements that I don't believe is true. For example: all couples argue. No. Compatible couples will discuss major issues like purchasing a house or a car, where to invest their money, or where to send junior to school. They don't have knock down-drag out arguments about dust on the floor or a mark on the wall. You also say all couples have "natural doubts." Again, no. Only if you're in an abusive, toxic relationship do you have "natural doubts," particularly after 7 years of being together!

 

Which brings me to my advice to what you wrote. First of all, you wrote 8 deal-breakers that any single one of them would have broken up a relationship. They only point out that you're in a mutually toxic, abusive relationship where he's trying to control you and you seem to do things just to piss him off.

 

You also say that somehow you're this incredibly unique creature that only your boyfriend could love. This is a sign of your emotional dependency on this guy. You believe no one else would want you which also means your self-esteem seems to be low, again another sign of an abusive relationship.

 

You don't list a single good point about your boyfriend. I'm guessing the only thing you may share in common is that you have sex together occasionally. There are other guys out there, nicer guys, and you're just wasting your time in this relationship. You are not compatible on so many levels, and eventually you're just going to break up. You should do it sooner than later.

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I appreciate your insight, DanZee! It's not just that I think nobody else would ever love me, it's more like I might be too picky for anyone else. =P But that might just be my mind playing tricks on me, of course.

 

Actually, we have a lot of things in common and he's an incredible person on so many levels, but I did not start this thread to speak about how awesome he is, I started it to ask about the problems. If I though we have nothing in common at all, this would not be a dilemma.

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I appreciate your insight, DanZee! It's not just that I think nobody else would ever love me, it's more like I might be too picky for anyone else. =P But that might just be my mind playing tricks on me, of course.

 

.

 

Your first boyfriend at 16 and neither of you think there is another person on this planet for you?

That goes to show how little you know and what limited experience you have.

It's this lying to yourselves that keep you stuck in a vicious circle going no where.

 

It's like saying you hate chocolate without ever having tried it.

Everyone has good qualities, even him. But his bad ones are clear deal breakers.

 

Please know that being on your own and independent is always a healthy choice.

Matter of fact I suggest you do so after breaking up from this

stifling and controlling relationship. Spend some time on your own and develop of sense of worth and independence.

If you do I can almost promise you would not settle for a relationship like this one again and you'll choose wisely next time.

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  • 1 month later...

It’s an old thread, but I’ve been lurking around these forums for a while and this thread really caught my eye since everyone seems to be saying the same thing which I can't make myself agree with. I’m going to go against the grain and say that I don’t think it’s necessary that the two of you break up. For God's sake, you've been together for SEVEN years. That's longer than a lot of *marriages* last! Once you're past the five year mark, I really think you need to take things slowly before you amputate a big part of yourself like that. What gets me also is that you seem to be receiving basically textbook cookiecutter responses, the kind you'd expect a teenage girl that thinks her high school sweetheart is Prince Charming to get. But you realise yourself you're not a textbook person.

 

What makes me doubt breaking up is necessary is, first, the fact you two seem to have a lot in common, something you kept emphasizing, and actually enjoy each other’s company, but more importantly, that you both seem to genuinely love each other and desire to improve the relationship. While I can see that it’s not been working out well, and there seem to be a lot of deep-seated issues, you have to bear in mind people have overcome a lot worse and emerged stronger and happier, and that's in relationships damaged by cheating and even physical violence. I know that in your current state it's very tempting to paint your whole history as awfully bleak, but perspective is terribly changeable. You really shouldn't underestimate the fact you both love each other and want to work on things, because it's not the compatibility etc. that's as hard to come by in life, but the willingness to improve. I know people who found partners who they were perfectly compatible with but whose relationships fizzled out because there simply wasn't a two-sided readiness.

 

I'm gonna be long since I want to take it point by point.

 

1. Constant arguments are a common occurrence in relationships where basic needs are ignored and disrespected. The upside of it is that once the underlying issues are resolved, these arguments are going to tone down. Like Gary Chapman says, once the love tank is full, it’s a lot harder for an argument to get you down, and many frustrations don’t even come up anymore.

2. Honestly, I feel like this is really silly. Sure, it’s upsetting to disagree about political issues, but you can’t be compatible in everything, and you said yourself he’s not some hard right winger. Tell him to quit the jokes if you can’t take it. You really don’t want minor political differences to be the reason you let this one go!!!

3. He obviously needs to let you breathe and get a life of his own. Once he has his own social and work circle, he won’t have to rely on you for everything, and you'll be able to enjoy both time apart and together a lot more. You even say he loves you for your ambition so surely it's not far-fetched to think he's willing to accommodate your activities?

4. Settling down is going to be a tougher nut. But you answered your own concerns. Yes, there’s a lot of tension there, but you’re both ready to compromise a little. If he’s willing to go long-distance once in a while, and isn’t going to push a rigid family life on you, I think you can work through this as well.

5. The communication issues you describe have been with humanity since the dawn of our species. Men and women communicate differently. When basic needs are neglected, they’re less willing to accommodate the other, and communication fizzles out. But couples all over the world regularly resolve communication issues, and they do it in circumstances a lot worse than yours. You can do it.

6. Clearly your boyfriend is going to have to get over his control issues. It’s not exactly an uncommon problem for guys, but it has no place in a healthy modern relationship. I realise how suffocating this kind of environment feels to a young girl who doesn’t want to be tied down. He seems to be aware this is wrong, and I think that’s a good sign that he can, maybe with some professional help, overcome it. Of course you might not have the strength to work through it with him, but you’ll have to decide if he’s worth it.

7. Yes, resentment can be overcome. You have to remember that for all the resentment lingering around, there must also be memories of times when you did have a good time. Naturally, when you’re in an unhappy period, all the resentment is going to resurface and seem ungovernable, but the opposite happens when you’re happy, the bad things just fade into the background. Again, people are able to forgive cheating. I'm not saying they should, I'm just trying to show you that a lot is possible with love and dedication. Resentment isn't like some incurable disease that you should be afraid will stay with you for the rest of your life.

8. I can’t say what exactly is it that your gut feeling is trying to say. But it's true that people have been doubting relationships since forever. It’s natural, it's evolution, it’s questioning whether we've chosen the right companion. Your family situation seems to have made this worse. I also imagine you have some commitment issues, which is most likely linked to your conservative upbringing. Altogether I don’t think these kinds of gut feelings are actually reliable in love because they make people do all kinds of stupid things, one way or another. When things get bad, it's natural to want out. What you have to do is look at the whole of the relationship rather than focus solely on the negative.

 

And two other nuggets. First of all, you mention you moved in together, against your parents's wishes. This was bound to put a strain on the relationship since I imagine you felt torn apart, not to mention having to scrap up the money to pay the rent. Couples face these kinds of struggles often throughout life, with children in tow as well, and I think you should cut yourself some slack and realise everything might not be wrong with the relationship, but that the circumstances make it seem a lot worse.

 

Second of all, you've been together for seven years. The seventh year is *the* year of breakups. It's when you get the itch to find something new and start questioning if what you've got is what you're going to settle with. This is a great time to think carefully about things and weigh what you value more, finding new experiences or improving existing ones. In my experience, the former is never quite as fulfilling as some people make it seem.

 

To conclude, you both seem like troubled young people who settled with one another a little too early in life, brought a whole lot of personal and family issues into the relationship, and then struggled to juggle all of this until you eventually broke down in a typically difficult period and cirumstances. Normally, I'd advise a young person to move on, but young people don't regularly make it to seven years, and that you did is testament to the fact you seem to have something going. It's not an obvious choice to walk away from it like other posters make it seem. That you both seem to deeply love each other, enjoy each other's company, have a lot in common and after all this time still desire to work on the relationship actively also speaks to the fact that this isn't hopeless and in fact might be worth fighting for.

 

My advice? Take a short break, give each other a little room to think, and then give it another go. Now that you're adults and no longer confused teenagers, you can set clear boundaries. Make it clear you're not going to tolerate controlling behaviour, find constructive ways to resolve arguments, and find a reasonable compromise to fit your lives together. If after a couple months you still feel like escaping, you'll know you tried and that it wasn't meant to be. Even if you've already broken up, it's not too late to patch it up and bring it back alive. If you call it quits now, I can almost guarantee you you're going to regret it in a while when it might be too late to salvage anything, and honestly, that would just seem like a waste to me.

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