Asked her to be exclusive and she said no... Next steps?

Alright, here's the scenario...

Approximately 6 months ago, I met this girl through her friends who had just moved to my home country (they had become my friends upon moving). She was visiting them, and at the time we all hung out. We had a lot of fun, but I didn't really see or create any chemistry with her at that time.

She left, but was planning on visiting again in a couple of months. During this time, we talked a bit here and there through WhatsApp, but nothing major... Then within a few weeks of her returning, we starting talking more and getting a bit flirty. Eventually some pictures were exchanged and sexual tension built up. When she finally came back to visit for four days, we hit it off and slept together the first night, followed by hanging out everyday and sleeping together every other night (I stayed with her at her hotel room the 4 nights she was here). The sexual chemistry was amazing, and I enjoyed being with her for the time we had.

Now at this point, this was just something fun... We had both acted on sexual attraction and that is all I thought there was. Don't get me wrong, this girl is smart, funny, and fun to be around. She has a lot of good qualities a person should have. But I was being realistic - she's from the other side of the world. I mean, yes a bit of a crush started, and I began to see something more there...

Here's the kicker: she was initially coming here to not only visit friends, but contemplating the idea of moving to a nearby city. A little while later she ended up getting her visa and set a one-way flight date a few months afterwards. This sparked an interest in me. I began to desire getting to know her more, and I saw her as a potential girlfriend... So, I started talking to her more. We were texting over WhatsApp every single day, and sending the odd voice notes and pictures etc. These "conversations abroad" were gaining more depth, and feelings were being expressed. She was non-stop telling me how excited she was getting to come back and see me...

Then the day came - she arrived at the airport and I picked her up. After a whole lot of kissing, I threw her stuff into my car and off to her airbnb we went. I spent the weekend there with her. Her friend came a couple days later and they were supposed to stay there, but ended up coming to my place (I live in the mountains and we thought it'd be a fun experience for her friend). One night she got a little upset about her job searching, and I, while hesitant, suggested she stay at my place for awhile until she figures out what she's going to do. She was having a hard time finding Airbnb's and worried about spending all her money on them while job seeking. I thought I'd help remove the stress of it by having her stay at my place. Again, I was hesitant AF because we had only just started being more involved in person and I felt like I was having her move in. But it actually turned out to be amazing having her over. It was really nice coming home to see her and plan days with her.

During this time, she got an offer for a promising opportunity but on the other side of the country. Keep in mind, during this point I'm into this girl, we're having a lot of fun, her staying over turned out to be great, but I don't know what's really going to happen. She's not situated, and so I'm (trying) to not get too involved. I mean sure, we've developed a bit of what is very similar to a relationship, even now practically living together, but again I'm still holding back on becoming emotionally involved...

So, she was given this opportunity to work across the country, but through consideration she tells me she's not going to take it. She declines, telling them she wants to stay on the western side of the country. But, they get back to her and give her an offer (she can work remote, but would have to fly there every month for a week or two each time). Once she received this news, she locks in a lease at an apartment in the city nearby where I live.

And my whole mindset towards this changes...

Now that she's more secure and actually going to be around, I start feeling like I want to pursue her as a girlfriend. I want exclusivity. Things have been going AMAZING. Our time spent together is really fun and I feel so happy around her. So why not? We already hangout all the time and have been having a blast.

Still, she hasn't even been here a month yet. It feels a bit early, so I'm a little hesitant...except we've been communicating with depth and expressing feelings for each other for months before she arrived. Then we practically live together for a few weeks... So, I decide screw it, I'm just going to tell her how I feel about it...

She had to leave for her new job, the first two weeks on the other side of the country. I drive her to the airport. I jump out, help her unload her stuff and tell her: "Look, I'm really happy with the way things have been going. I don't plan on seeing other people, and I would like to be exclusive, to call you my girlfriend."

And to my surprise... she rejects...

I felt as though we were practically in the scenario, acting as boyfriend and girlfriend. We're going out, always touching, cuddling up and having very passionate sex... she's telling me I should get this and that to leave at her new apartment... things are going so well it seems... but then I get rejected.

It was not what I expected.

Her reasoning was that she wanted to establish herself in the country, and not have me as the only reason she was here. To make her own friends, not have just me and my friends, and then if we broke up she would be depressed and leave the country with a bad image of it... Truthfully all I heard was "I'm not interested" out of all of that. I unexpectedly took a blow to my confidence with it. But I don't know, I kept my composure and said alright sure... She then kissed me for a bit and said she'd see me in two weeks.

Then the shock wore off and I begin over-analyzing things. "Does she want to see other people?" "Is she perceiving me as not good enough?"...

Essentially I'm going through this roller coaster of emotional feelings over this rejection, while putting her on a pedestal. I'm feeling jealous, anxious, upset, uncertain, confused, sad, angry and so on... Just insert annoying feelings and they're probably going on here...

Of course, I don't want to show her this.

So later, she text me and said that she hoped she didn't upset me. I simply said "Nawwww not at all. Let's not complicate things and just focus on what we've been doing, which is having a good time together".

But there's definitely some upset here and I'm feeling cloudy towards my next steps. We're not talking like we usually do, even though I said let's just focus on what we've been doing. I've definitely withdrawn a bit. I feel massively guarded, and avoiding initiating the conversation. I haven't called her or bothered to ask her how her first day at work was etc. which is something I probably would have normally done. We were very open with communication...but part of me feels like I opened myself up wide and got rejected, and now I'm pulling back.

What should I be do/be doing in this scenario?

You're wise to put some distance there.

You unfortunately discovered you're not on the same page. She likes you, but doesn't want a commitment. Trying to stay friends right now will be tough as your feelings won't be reciprocated in the same way.

I would instead focus on detaching emotionally, so you will be open to the possibility of dating someone else when you're ready.

It sounds like you should put some distance between you and her so that your feelings fade.

Given the situation, you should have let her brought up the subject of being exclusive; you don't want to end up in this awkward situation you are in now

But i get it, you got carried away

You backed off and said you were cool either way which is good. Don't act butthurt because of what she said. Keep hanging out and having fun

Remember the saying "you must love in such a way that the person feels free" don't try to lock her into a commitment. She will eventually commit when she will love you and feel safe.

It takes some time to get there

Interestingly we don't really often have these commitment talks in europe, because we assume that as soon we start being intimate we are exclusive(which isn't always true)

I understand she is isn't back yet from her business trip. Just try to keep it easy and keep thing as they were

Terrible advice to pretend to be cool and keep going. Been in your shoes too too many times. It sounds like she’s excited about her potential options with other men. I’ve turned men down for this exact reason in the past. It was because I wasn’t that into them and saw them as my safety option. Don’t let yourself be treated this way. Go cold on her and if she freaks out about losing you, she’ll commit. If her options are more valuable to her than you, she won’t and you’ll know then for sure.

My guess is she’ll come running back in months or years when she realizes her freedom is only buying her douche bags.

I agree with Tryingit. I think you misread the situation and should not have asked her to be your girlfriend at this time. It was just the wrong time and place to do it. You probably made her think you had a relationship agenda since you invited her to live with you. You put some pressure on her and unfortunately the outcome was not the one you were expecting, which is usually what happens when men pressure women about relationships.

But now that you have done it, you should stick with it. You want a relationship, she doesn't. If and when she contacts you, tell her you're glad to hear from her but think you should stop contacting each other because you want different things. If she changes her mind, she can contact you, otherwise, you should remain in no contact. It's unfortunate to potentially have to cut contact with someone you care about, but that's your best bet. It's important not to keep hanging though, because she most likely will just fade.

Like the others, I too suggest you put some distance between you both. Take the rejection and walk away. She obviously enjoyed the company and the sex, but isn't ready to commit to anything.

I would not suggest just continuing on the way you have been going, as your emotions will start to get in the way and resentment will start to build. You will continue to want more and she will just keep on enjoying what she is getting from you.

People here are basically suggesting you to ruin a fine relationship just because the girl doesn't want to commit now

That's weak and needy. Do you seriously think that an ultimatum will compel her to get into a commited relationship? that's a terrible way to go

You would communicate that you are an insecure controling guy and she would move on in a heart beat

A confident centered guy who is a real catch would never act like this. It is to the woman to bring up this subject

Do you think James Bond would do that?

People do not owe you anything;

You cannot force someone into commitment. That wasn't the terms of your relationship until now anyway but yet you had a great time

why stopping now just because you want to impose some rules on her? acting needy and trying to control someone at the beginning of a relationship is the surest way to get blown off

People here are basically suggesting you to ruin a fine relationship just because the girl doesn't want to commit now

 

That's weak and needy. Do you seriously think that an ultimatum will compel her to get into a commited relationship? that's a terrible way to go

You would communicate that you are an insecure controling guy and she would move on in a heart beat

A confident centered guy who is a real catch would never act like this. It is to the woman to bring up this subject

Do you think James Bond would do that?

 

People do not owe you anything;

 

You cannot force someone into commitment. That wasn't the terms of your relationship until now anyway but yet you had a great time

why stopping now just because you want to impose some rules on her? acting needy and trying to control someone at the beginning of a relationship is the surest way to get blown off

I think this would've been great advice before he asked her to be his girlfriend and pressured her before she got on the plane. THat was the ultimatum there and she didn't respond positively. Now everything is damage control. She might also see him as weak and needy for settling down for something he didn't want in the first place (a no strings attached relationship). Just my two cents anyway.

There is no recipe, people are different. I think people come here to hear advice (which will be different, cause people think differently) and then form their own opinions to make a decision.

Do you seriously think that an ultimatum will compel her to get into a commited relationship? that's a terrible way to go

You cannot force someone into commitment.

I don't necessarily agree that it's the woman's part to bring up commitment, but I agree with this.

I don't necessarily agree that it's the woman's part to bring up commitment, but I agree with this.

Allowing the woman to bring it up prevents all kinds of issues. Besides, talk of commitment is feminine energy - it’s the need to eliminate uncertainty.

A man needs to be ok with uncertainty and the temporary nature of things. Always let the woman bring it up.

That said, I don’t think punishing her is the right move. It’s showing he’s all butt hurt because he didn’t get what he wants. Not a good look for a guy.

Instead, pretend like it never happened and continue to have fun with her. In the meantime, he can start chasing after other women. This girl might want to commit soon or after it’s too late. The OP needs to increase his options while not burning this bridge.

I know it’s easier said than done, but it becomes much easier if there are other women to distract you.

The next step is to say, sorry but I don't want to be friends and it was nice knowing you. I would believe her words as a matter of fact and not continue as friends. I would break away completely. Not to pathetically get her back by staying friends in the hopes of winning her over or make her want you after "losing" you. Those don't work. Someone doesn't want you? Ok, then bye!

This would be different if she said something like I can see being in a relationship with you, but want to continue to get to know each other before commitment (i.e. too soon and want more time before establishing labels). Otherwise, it is all excuses.

A person will make sure you know they are into you, unless if they're not interested. She is not interested. Go find someone who is and don't let a near stranger sponge off of you next time. You do that for real friends or family. Not a FWB.

Allowing the woman to bring it up prevents all kinds of issues. Besides, talk of commitment is feminine energy - it’s the need to eliminate uncertainty.

 

A man needs to be ok with uncertainty and the temporary nature of things. Always let the woman bring it up.

You seem to have a lot of rules assigned to genders.

If the roles were reversed in this situation, would you be telling the woman to stick around?

OP, the safest way out is to break it off. She doesn't want what you want, so point in continuing.

That said, if you can find yourself capable of demoting her to a casual thing without feeling disrespect for yourself, go for it.

Either way, I'd step away to clear my head and figure out what I want.

There is no right or wrong way or time to ask someone to be your GF. It was the right time for you, and you asked. You got your answer, she's not that into you, and there won't be a future with her. You saved yourself any further time being wasted. Wish her well and move on....go no contact.

I think you got confused when she said she was getting an apartment on your side of the country. Some people are passive about stating their intentions directly and you misread her intent from her actions.

I actually also think you did the right thing. You stated your own intentions directly so she had to respond one way or the other before going away.

Now you know where you stand.

Time to move on since she is not into you as you are into her.

She isn't terrible, BTW. No need to demonize her.

Such is life.

Well....I'm going to go against the grain here completely.

You KNEW in your gut that asking her right then was bad timing. Well....it WAS. I think she is very much taking a healthy approach to this - don't crowd me, let me have some room to settle down, develop some roots, some friends of my own, stand on my own two feet so SHE can be a happy, healthy, worthy partner to you, instead of just being dependent on you for everything. She rejected the job offer and chose to stay on your side of the country - that says a lot. Don't wreck that by pushing for too much too soon. Be confident, carry on having fun with her and let her establish herself at her own pace, which will ultimately benefit your relationship. She didn't reject you, she told you very sensibly that now is not the right time and to slow down a bit. She is not wrong, she is actually very very sensible and you should appreciate that. Few people are that way.

In your shoes, I'd actually carry on having fun, and when she is back just tell her that you get what she wants. You've told her where you are at, so now she needs to let you know when she is good and ready and leave that be. Granted, be sensible yourself. If let's say 3-4 months down the road there is no progress or there seems to be backwards progress, then I would quit this and start dating others.

Well....I'm going to go against the grain here completely.

 

You KNEW in your gut that asking her right then was bad timing. Well....it WAS. I think she is very much taking a healthy approach to this - don't crowd me, let me have some room to settle down, develop some roots, some friends of my own, stand on my own two feet so SHE can be a happy, healthy, worthy partner to you, instead of just being dependent on you for everything. She rejected the job offer and chose to stay on your side of the country - that says a lot. Don't wreck that by pushing for too much too soon. Be confident, carry on having fun with her and let her establish herself at her own pace, which will ultimately benefit your relationship. She didn't reject you, she told you very sensibly that now is not the right time and to slow down a bit. She is not wrong, she is actually very very sensible and you should appreciate that. Few people are that way.

 

In your shoes, I'd actually carry on having fun, and when she is back just tell her that you get what she wants. You've told her where you are at, so now she needs to let you know when she is good and ready and leave that be. Granted, be sensible yourself. If let's say 3-4 months down the road there is no progress or there seems to be backwards progress, then I would quit this and start dating others.

I agree 100%

I would be that girl, i would do the same. Doesn't mean i have zero interest in you; i just moved to a new place where i know very few people. I'm not really set with work and do not know very clearly what's going to happen in the near future. Totally understandable that she doesn't feel like starting a new relationship right away

Don't act butthurt because she blew you off; you did this to yourself

If that girl is your only option you're going to screw things up anyway because you will think with a scarcity mindset. You should hang out with whoever you want to and go with the flow

Yeah, speaking strictly for myself, if I moved to a new area or new country, I wouldn't want to get immediately into a committed relationship. NOT because I don't like the guy, but because I'd want to get on my own two feet first and be comfortable in my own skin. Otherwise, too much risk that the relationship is going to be codependent...or just plain dependent.

Honestly, OP, I think you are both moving in the same direction, just not at the same speed. Try to be more understanding and don't let your ego wreck a good thing. She didn't reject you, she rejected the timing....and you knew the timing was wrong anyway....so no surprise really? Right? Patience is your friend here.

A man needs to be ok with uncertainty and the temporary nature of things.

If that's the case, you should be very comfortable with the fact that this statement is probably true only 50% of the time:

Besides, talk of commitment is feminine energy - it’s the need to eliminate uncertainty.

A man needs to be ok with uncertainty and the temporary nature of things.

If that's the case, you should be very comfortable with the fact that this statement is probably true only 50% of the time:

Besides, talk of commitment is feminine energy - it’s the need to eliminate uncertainty.

And if men are ok with uncertainty, why mitigate against it with increased options, and why this strategy to distract and make things easier with other women?

The OP needs to increase his options while not burning this bridge.

 

I know it’s easier said than done, but it becomes much easier if there are other women to distract you.

Well....I'm going to go against the grain here completely.

 

You KNEW in your gut that asking her right then was bad timing. Well....it WAS. I think she is very much taking a healthy approach to this - don't crowd me, let me have some room to settle down, develop some roots, some friends of my own, stand on my own two feet so SHE can be a happy, healthy, worthy partner to you, instead of just being dependent on you for everything. She rejected the job offer and chose to stay on your side of the country - that says a lot. Don't wreck that by pushing for too much too soon. Be confident, carry on having fun with her and let her establish herself at her own pace, which will ultimately benefit your relationship. She didn't reject you, she told you very sensibly that now is not the right time and to slow down a bit. She is not wrong, she is actually very very sensible and you should appreciate that. Few people are that way.

 

In your shoes, I'd actually carry on having fun, and when she is back just tell her that you get what she wants. You've told her where you are at, so now she needs to let you know when she is good and ready and leave that be. Granted, be sensible yourself. If let's say 3-4 months down the road there is no progress or there seems to be backwards progress, then I would quit this and start dating others.

This would only be true if she stated at all she is interested in pursuing something down the road with him, but no she completely shut him down. Not even an inkling she wanted a relationship with him.

Like I said before, I would think differently if she said she would like to get to know him more and familiarize herself with the area before a commitment. Unfortunately this didn't happen. It was a complete rejection. She didn't decide to stay in his country for him, it was for her. I really would move on. She has clearly stated no interest.

Firstly, thank you all for your valuable contributions and opinions on this. I greatly appreciate having the ability to read through and gain some insights for my decision. I thought I would chime in again since there was a lot of value in here that helped me frame my mindset towards this situation.

In a nutshell, I came up with two roads I could travel down:

1) I could walk away altogether. Accept that we both want different things and leave it at that.

2) Swallow my pride and accept her response. Don't let my ego get in the way and continue to see her. (With certain things to consider, which I will address below)

So, based on how things have been with her, I am going with the latter...Sure, this could be a painful road travelled if things fizzle out and I'm emotionally invested. However, I have picked out a couple of key points in this thread to help me consider this decision and how to go about it. I have also reflected a lot on myself that contributes to this decision...

First, I'll mention that someone noted that if I accept it and keep going with her, that would somehow show desperation or neediness. That struck me momentarily, however I don't necessarily agree with this. If I had shown her I was butthurt then later withdrew, crawling back like a little puppy dog, this definitely would have been the case. However, I just told her no hard feelings at all, let's just continue having fun and followed it up by throwing some banter her way. Sure it phased me, but I didn't show any of that. I definitely feel that giving her pressure most definitely did some harm in my situation...BUT I think I ran with it quite well. In doing so, I mitigated the necessary damage control another person addressed. Don't get me wrong, that's still going to be an issue (and I have probably lowered my perceived value in her eyes which is definitely a big ol' "dammit!" but given the circumstances things could be a lot worse).

Next, I understand there is going to be some internal complication here on my end. This rejection definitely phased me (like kicked me square in the face phased me), and I've come to realize that I may have unfortunately threw her up on the proverbial pedestal if you will...It's funny how badly "we want what we can't have". And now there's an imbalance here that needs to be addressed.

But, I've got to accept and deal with that. One point someone brought up in this thread really got my attention:

If that girl is your only option you're going to screw things up anyway because you will think with a scarcity mindset. You should hang out with whoever you want to and go with the flow

Booom....You're absolutely right.

Which is why I have started communicating with other girls (I have even set up a date with one this weekend)

So, I might be kicking myself now for bringing up exclusivity with this girl...

HOWEVER, I did learn from this.

In fact, I'm actually kind of glad to have faced this challenge.

You see, I was hit with a damn brick so to speak. And like a child who touches a hot stove (I know this analogy is WAY off for this type of situation) this pain told me something was wrong. After some reflection, I have recognized some personal weaknesses that could use a little TLC...where development is needed.

Maybe my decision will be wrong. Who knows.

What I do know is that I'd rather find out instead of kicking this girl aside altogether.

Again, I'm grateful for all of your input. Thanks!

If that's the case, you should be very comfortable with the fact that this statement is probably true only 50% of the time:

 

 

 

And if men are ok with uncertainty, why mitigate against it with increased options, and why this strategy to distract and make things easier with other women?

There is a good expression I heard “Expectations are future disappointments “.

As a man, you have to be ok with not knowing what the future holds. It doesn’t mean you don’t prepare and mitigate. Just like you save money in the bank for a rainy day, men should date multiple women until one proves she is worth commitment.

Having other women will allow him to be more objective. He will judge her on her actions as he will have other women to compare against.

Moreover, it will allow him to be more rational. When a dude really likes a woman, he’s already planning their future after (or before) the first date. Women fall in love slowly over time (most) and don’t get there as soon as we can.

Think of it like he is hungry. If there is only one meal available he will eat that. If there are multiple options he can make a choice. Having options eliminates desperation like trying to lock a girl down at the airport as she is getting on a plane. That’s what she should be doing to him. She will be happier because it was HER idea.

Firstly, thank you all for your valuable contributions and opinions on this. I greatly appreciate having the ability to read through and gain some insights for my decision. I thought I would chime in again since there was a lot of value in here that helped me frame my mindset towards this situation.

 

In a nutshell, I came up with two roads I could travel down:

 

1) I could walk away altogether. Accept that we both want different things and leave it at that.

 

2) Swallow my pride and accept her response. Don't let my ego get in the way and continue to see her. (With certain things to consider, which I will address below)

 

So, based on how things have been with her, I am going with the latter...Sure, this could be a painful road travelled if things fizzle out and I'm emotionally invested. However, I have picked out a couple of key points in this thread to help me consider this decision and how to go about it. I have also reflected a lot on myself that contributes to this decision...

 

First, I'll mention that someone noted that if I accept it and keep going with her, that would somehow show desperation or neediness. That struck me momentarily, however I don't necessarily agree with this. If I had shown her I was butthurt then later withdrew, crawling back like a little puppy dog, this definitely would have been the case. However, I just told her no hard feelings at all, let's just continue having fun and followed it up by throwing some banter her way. Sure it phased me, but I didn't show any of that. I definitely feel that giving her pressure most definitely did some harm in my situation...BUT I think I ran with it quite well. In doing so, I mitigated the necessary damage control another person addressed. Don't get me wrong, that's still going to be an issue (and I have probably lowered my perceived value in her eyes which is definitely a big ol' "dammit!" but given the circumstances things could be a lot worse).

 

Next, I understand there is going to be some internal complication here on my end. This rejection definitely phased me (like kicked me square in the face phased me), and I've come to realize that I may have unfortunately threw her up on the proverbial pedestal if you will...It's funny how badly "we want what we can't have". And now there's an imbalance here that needs to be addressed.

 

But, I've got to accept and deal with that. One point someone brought up in this thread really got my attention:

 

 

 

Booom....You're absolutely right.

 

Which is why I have started communicating with other girls (I have even set up a date with one this weekend)

 

So, I might be kicking myself now for bringing up exclusivity with this girl...

 

HOWEVER, I did learn from this.

 

In fact, I'm actually kind of glad to have faced this challenge.

 

You see, I was hit with a damn brick so to speak. And like a child who touches a hot stove (I know this analogy is WAY off for this type of situation) this pain told me something was wrong. After some reflection, I have recognized some personal weaknesses that could use a little TLC...where development is needed.

 

Maybe my decision will be wrong. Who knows.

 

What I do know is that I'd rather find out instead of kicking this girl aside altogether.

 

Again, I'm grateful for all of your input. Thanks!

Bravo dude - you got it!

Go with the flow and see what happens.

Funny thing is, it may turn out this when this chick is ready you’ll have lost interest.

I’m a big fan of focusing on women with high interest. You’ll work less and have more fun.

Although she may come around, I prefer strong interest right out of the gate.