should I have the final "closure" conversation?

So I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. I was with my ex for 4.5 years and we broke up about 4 weeks ago. He dumped me kind of out of the blue. I also found out that he had been talking to a mutual friend a few months ago about what to do about our relationship, so evidently there were issues he was feeling for a while, which he never spoke to me about or tried to resolve. The reasons he gave me for the breakup were that he was experiencing a mental breakdown and that his depression had been building for a long time. He told me there was something wrong with him and said that he couldn't continue our relationship. He used words at the time like "step back," "take some time for himself". I still don't really know why.. I'm assuming he just wanted out for a while and didn't know how else to say it. He said that he still loved me so much and he wanted to hug me and he held onto me for a while before leaving. He started crying harder when I told him we couldn't be in each others lives any more (I refuse to try to stay friends with someone who broke my heart). I instantly removed him from social media and haven't spoken to him since. Of course I have been experiencing a huge amount of heartbreak, this is my first real relationship and therefore first real breakup. I have been healing slowly but surely.

He sent my mom a text message basically saying that he was sorry, he hopes we aren't sitting around coming up with crazy reasons as to why he did it, and that he felt heartbroken and he was sorry for hurting me so much. During the breakup conversation I had told him to not contact me for 3 weeks. He told my mom he isn't ready to speak to me yet but he wants to talk to me sooner rather than later. I also heard from a mutual friend that he was planning on writing out all of the things he wants to say to me in a letter and talking to me about it "like adults".

I am currently at the point where I don't know if I want to entertain him at all. I am moving on (very slowly but very surely). Of course I miss having him in my life, he was a part of me for so many years and now that part is missing. But I have accepted that he is no longer in my life, and I know that there are people out there who would fight tooth and nail for me, and he is not one of those people. I've lost hope for reconciliation but I do wonder if this conversation would resolve things at all. I am thinking he wants closure or wants to absolve himself of guilt... I don't necessarily think he deserves that. I don't know if I should have this conversation with him.

gustavklimt,

I'm sorry about the break up, but it sounds like you are doing okay, so far.

It really doesn't sound like you think the "closure" conversation will do YOU any good, so why would you entertain having the conversation? The break up, it sounds like, was not your choosing. But you have a choice here. I recommend you decide if you need the conversation and make the choice. But, if you say no to it now you need to stick to your decision and not turn back at a later date and ask for it yourself.

Stay strong and keep posting as much as you need.

Mitch

The best way to heal is to totally go No Contact. Your ex is messing with your head and is trying to get at you through others.

"Closure" conversations are usually excuses to by the dumper to alleviate THEIR sense of guilt, not to help the dumpee in any way. And you won't know for sure what was the actual reason for the break up. They'll make up a bunch of stuff that may or may not have happened.

The bottom line is he wanted out, whatever the reason. Usually, I would say there's another girl in the picture. But he may also be playing a power game where he thinks you're going to beg him to come back. You don't need either of those scenarios in any case.

Move on. Forget about this guy. Looks for someone who will love you.

You were right to cease contact. It's not your job to assuage his guilt, it's your job to deal with your own heartache in your own way.

I am thinking he wants closure or wants to absolve himself of guilt... I don't necessarily think he deserves that. I don't know if I should have this conversation with him.

The reasons he gave me for the breakup were that he was experiencing a mental breakdown and that his depression had been building for a long time. He told me there was something wrong with him and said that he couldn't continue our relationship. He used words at the time like "step back," "take some time for himself".

This is your closure.

Also, it was manipulative and out of line for him to text your mother. I hope mom doesn't respond or tells him "if you wish to speak to my daughter, contact her yourself. Do not contact me. "

I would not contact him. He also is a triangulator- talking to mom and a mutual friend instead of you about any problems.

He is very likely not going to tell you anything you haven't already heard. So, the closure talk is not a good idea.

It will probably absolve him of guilt for hurting you, as you speculated, but it won't help you. He is obviously concerned with how others perceive him and this break-up if he had the stones to text your mother, worried that you and she might be thinking up "crazy" reasons why he ended it. (which was incredibly inappropriate, in my opinion) It follows that this "closure talk" would probably really be a monologue meant to help himself feel better by reminding you of why he ended it so you don't get any other more nefarious ideas about why he did this. As such, this closure talk is more for him. Not you.

The best way to heal is to totally go No Contact. Your ex is messing with your head and is trying to get at you through others.

 

"Closure" conversations are usually excuses to by the dumper to alleviate THEIR sense of guilt, not to help the dumpee in any way. And you won't know for sure what was the actual reason for the break up. They'll make up a bunch of stuff that may or may not have happened.

 

The bottom line is he wanted out, whatever the reason. Usually, I would say there's another girl in the picture. But he may also be playing a power game where he thinks you're going to beg him to come back. You don't need either of those scenarios in any case.

 

Move on. Forget about this guy. Looks for someone who will love you.

I do believe him that he had been depressed and was spiraling mentally. He had become suicidal and I know he is now seeing a therapist. I think it is that, coupled with the fact that he may have felt our relationship was getting stale and he started noticing different people (grass is greener syndrome). Whatever the reason, it's clear that he won't tell the truth or tell me anything that will make me feel any differently. I have been doing very well at no contact so far and I hope I don't break down once he tries to be in touch. I'm sure it's also driving him crazy that he has no idea how I am doing or what I am thinking.

He always was so defensive right away any time I expressed that things he did hurt my feelings or made me feel bad. Instead of listening to how I felt, he was so quick to start coming up with reasons WHY he behaved the way he did. He didn't listen to me or take to heart my feelings for four years so how can I expect him to now? He won't listen to me if I try to talk to him about how I feel about the breakup. I already know the conversation would be him telling me why he thinks what he did was justified. He is selfish and tries to hide it under the guise of being caring i.e. texting my mom. I just wish I could stop ruminating and I want the feelings of missing him to go away already lol.

He is very likely not going to tell you anything you haven't already heard. So, the closure talk is not a good idea.

 

It will probably absolve him of guilt for hurting you, as you speculated, but it won't help you. He is obviously concerned with how others perceive him and this break-up if he had the stones to text your mother, worried that you and she might be thinking up "crazy" reasons why he ended it. (which was incredibly inappropriate, in my opinion) It follows that this "closure talk" would probably really be a monologue meant to help himself feel better by reminding you of why he ended it so you don't get any other more nefarious ideas about why he did this. As such, this closure talk is more for him. Not you.

You are right. He was very close to my parents but I still am surprised he texted my mother. She replied something like "I'm not texting with you about this. We can have a phone call if you want to." He never replied.

You are completely right in saying that this conversation will only benefit him. I'm sure he has it painted in his head that it will help me too, but of course it won't. I am definitely now leaning towards avoiding whatever texts he sends me. Maybe I'll block his number.

You are right. He was very close to my parents but I still am surprised he texted my mother. She replied something like "I'm not texting with you about this. We can have a phone call if you want to." He never replied.

You are completely right in saying that this conversation will only benefit him. I'm sure he has it painted in his head that it will help me too, but of course it won't. I am definitely now leaning towards avoiding whatever texts he sends me. Maybe I'll block his number.

You're in a good spot...

there's nothing more to be said. you will just add fuel to the fire. and then more closure from that discussion will be needed etc.....

sometimes you just gotta stop for all involved. even if they want to talk. your mom doesn't need this either.

blocking sounds good.

Nothing much more I can add that hasnt already been said, you have a lot of good advice. I know things are tough but in the end this is the best thing to happen to you. You will find someone better for you. Just because it is your first relationship doesnt mean its going to be your best. There is still plenty to see and expirience and its just waiting for you. I know its sad, it sucks and it hurts, but in the end you are going to be better for it.

Sounded like to me he wanted out of the relationship. The reasons why do not matter any more. I need a break, I need space, I have to find myself all mean the same thing. I dont want to be in a relationship with you. This is nothing against you in any way. It just means you two were no longer a good fit and thats okay, there are others out there.

Having a talk will achieve nothing positive. Nothing new will be said and I think all you will hear is what he thinks you want to hear. In the end you will be in the exact same spot.

You are going to be okay, work on yourself and your happiness, let life handle the rest

You are right. He was very close to my parents but I still am surprised he texted my mother. She replied something like "I'm not texting with you about this. We can have a phone call if you want to." He never replied.

You are completely right in saying that this conversation will only benefit him. I'm sure he has it painted in his head that it will help me too, but of course it won't. I am definitely now leaning towards avoiding whatever texts he sends me. Maybe I'll block his number.

way to go, Mom!!!

Basically for anyone interested.. it keeps popping up that my ex has been in contact with several of my friends, talking about "life" and inviting them to outings with him. These are not female friends, they are guy friends so it's not like he's trying to make me jealous or anything. I do find it infuriating though how he asked for the breakup yet he seems to be having trouble staying away from the people I'm close with. It seems he isn't ready to leave my life fully which sucks for him because I am moving on more every day.

I wish he had realized before that the grass is not greener on the other side. He took me for granted for sure and now he's living with the repercussions. I've blocked his number.

Great job. He hasn't let go.

There is not real closure. It's a myth. The last thing to occur IS the closure. Any further talk just opens up things and it can spiral and there never is an ending. Accept the ending you are given.

Basically for anyone interested.. it keeps popping up that my ex has been in contact with several of my friends, talking about "life" and inviting them to outings with him. These are not female friends, they are guy friends so it's not like he's trying to make me jealous or anything. I do find it infuriating though how he asked for the breakup yet he seems to be having trouble staying away from the people I'm close with. It seems he isn't ready to leave my life fully which sucks for him because I am moving on more every day.

I wish he had realized before that the grass is not greener on the other side. He took me for granted for sure and now he's living with the repercussions. I've blocked his number.

He may be hoping that they will report back to you on how he is doing or he might be able to hear about you from them. If you run into any of the male friends, tell them that you do not wish to hear anything about your ex, nor wish for them to tell him anything about you. I would just hang with your very besties who are not interested in being his friend for now

Your instincts are right about this. He's doing end runs in an almost creepy stalker kind of way. Good you blocked him. Does your family know not to bother with him?

B I do find it infuriating though how he asked for the breakup yet he seems to be having trouble staying away from the people I'm close with.

I hope they do. My mom didn't seem like she would entertain his bull. He was close with my siblings also and I saw that he was liking their stuff on social media, as well as my best friend who didn't get along with him.. I want to reach out to him only to tell him to stop contacting my people lol. Of course I won't though.