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Thread: Faith Commitment Action

  1. #1
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Faith Commitment Action

    So... this is my new journal. I am writing with double vision while I wait for my new scrip to arrive. I don't know if I will use this space. Or how. No commitments.

    Came here to say

    Wow.

    He steps up in so many ways, he works hard to understand me, I am so happy in his company, and I am happy to have him as my partner. He has met my boss at work, my besties are hearing about him and meeting him, and I am comfortable with all. My bff with most familiarity is telling me not to screw it up; his bff is saying the same to him.

    I am so happy with my choice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    OK. Using this space... polluting this space. I haven't done what I need to do. Slush. I mentioned it above then deleted in a form of self protection. Last week, lunch. Then I left town. Today, a check in from him. I haven't walked away. And while he - Arthur, my new beau - would understand, it would delay or end this good thing I have with him. Sacrificing Arthur for Slush feels like the wrong choice. So, isn't that a choice? Why entertain his texts?

    Why? Because I can. Because I missed having some linkage when I thought it gone, (and even told Arthur that).Because I am not married or engaged to be married. Because despite the history, I understand Slush as a person, and I understand him as so close to right for me. So close. Close enough that it could work. And my thing with Arthur. Its so new. What if we are wrong? What if...?

    Even so. A million arguments, a list of pros and cons, most importantly, the ease, the trust, the acceptance as - is, the feeling... So many arguments direct me in the direction of one man, happily, exclusively. Arthur is clear, direct, certain. He learns about me so that he can keep me. That is a gift! So many gifts.

    So, why? Slush: He is incredibly steady, self assured, self controlled. The competence. The maturity. The unflappable demeanor. Its singular, deliberate, attractive, hard to capture. Maybe I am capturing it. Slowly.

    But I don"t think he is my best match. My happiest match.

    It remains a challenge for me to close the door. It is shameful selfish behavior on my part yet I am not sure I feel as bad as I ought. Getting married - choosing one partner whether marriage or its proxy - that is a big deal. I am afraid of choosing what is good in the moment, of growing out of my choice.

    A counselor may be warranted. My behavior might reflect that deep fear of abandonment, the fear of intimacy, the same ole' pattern of self sabotage because I fear I am not enough to retain someone. I don't recognize those fears within me -- also, I've no model for nor experience with a truly intimate and healthy relationship.

    ----

    Lots of words. I haven't closed the door. I am afraid to . I need to find my way to do that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Familial examples of marriage in conflict with my own desires for LTR style

    Once again, eNA serves its purpose - even in the act of writing this journal.

    Slush represents by example the only kind of long-term sustainable marital union that I have within my family. My parents, and the one example among my siblings of long term commitment, respect and union - these are relationships wherein the husband is highly intellectual, introverted, and minimally expressive in outwardly emotional terms. The wife creates and strives for intimacy, perpetually, finally arriving at a peace within. Both parties are deeply committed and devoted to one another. The topography of their lives is less about joy and more about responsibility/achievement, as if I think the two are oppositional. There is joy in achievement. Joy in struggle. After years on my own, I am tired of struggle, and I appreciate the joy of simply enjoying one another.

    Slush delivers a relationship like in my family, one with which I am familiar and is baked into my dna.

    It is a model I decided I didn't want, even as a teen and again years later. But I've no example otherwise, and in some respects, learned to diminish other kinds of happiness as frivolous.

    What I know and what I feel is coming into conflict with my learned dna.

    So... now I need to change my dna.

    Next steps: Read up on choosing my own relationship model when in conflict with the models provided by family.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    I talked to my bf about the conflict between my learned habit of a certain distant intimacy and my natural drive towards a more interactive style.

    He adroitly said, Would it make you feel good if I don't call you for a week? lol Yes it would. He said, Yeah, we're not doing that....

    The safety in communication is special to me. I will keep that privilege if I respect it.

    My bff says "But Slush hasn't presented himself to you." That's so not the point. I know that by reaching out to me he is telling me a lot. I've dumped him, been hurt, mad, and healed, and not reached out to him. He hasn't presented himself and I don't expect him to: I've not invited it nor has he signaled it. He hasn't let it go either

    But the point is, I have to not want it. It has to be clear to me what I want and what I don't. I'd like more clarity.

    Talking about Slush's new job when we went for lunch, we used few words. Even me. But the content was high level telling and incisive. I made a comment that reflected my wisdom while also cementing a new idea in my own head. It reflected my understanding of his role and his challenge. I quite enjoyed that exchange of quiet smarts. It stays with me.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Well... communication is great and all that but its also exhausting. Ergo, maybe I like my Slush types because I don't have to communicate much. Not much investment, but not much in return either.

    What Arthur does for me isn't that its FOR me nor what the action is at any one point. Its that he invests himself in knowing what I need and then strives to give it to me. Do I need a ride? How about exercise, do I need that? Vegetables? A little bit of strong hand to remind me of his clarity and intention? AND he makes himself available for whatever it is.

    Meanwhile, he lets me do for him what I can. He accepts my influence like a gift. Is reading the book I lent, is eating the healthy foods I make. It makes me feel like I have something to offer.

    Law of attraction - we each have a sensitivity to being clear that we've been heard.

    Unpacking an issue takes 90 minutes. Can we do it in 15?

    Sigh.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    This thread of posts will be out of balance because I am picking at an issue. My bf and I see each other frequently - almost daily - in short bits that have become comfortable and supportive of my goals (and maybe his... thinking selfishly here so that I am my own best advocate). We exercise, we talk shop, we talk about relationship dynamics. It feels positive, supportive. I am happier, I am comfortable introducing him to others, I am moving forward in ways that I need to and want to.

    I am also uncomfortable in some respects and I speak out about that.

    And so I am uncertain - as I ought to be, perhaps - about my ability to commit 100%.

    Slush texted for another lunch; I declined due to a full calendar. It is a way of us keeping each other in some sort of option space.

    The danger: If he were to become a different man, I would have a different answer. The danger isn't Slush. The danger is my open question: If a man were like Slush but courted me as I like, what then?

    This raises my awareness of two - no, three - patterns I have that are potentially destructive: (1) to sabotage a relationship by undercutting my man, and (2) to view men in 2D, objectify them. And (3) to keep one foot out in case I want to escape. And maybe (4) - to internalize his gifts to me so seamlessly that I think I own them, but I would lose them. And that would be stupid.

    My fear of abandonment is at work, protecting me from being trapped somewhere I do not want to be. It is important I do what I need to do, in a constructive way, to trust my judgment. I am accustomed to losing my voice when I listen to others - but I have become stronger and better at keeping my power over myself. I think I will be okay over time, and I will become capable of committing in an authentic way, over time. I wish I were better at it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    All good.

    Incredibly helpful to be with someone who can talk about these issues without running off the rails. I hope this r/s has the legs.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    There is no substitute for being with someone who gives me what I need, and who needs what I find easy to give. In practical ways and also in ways of giving me guidance and tolerance. He has talked me out of deepening hole, one he didn't know existed until I said, "Its critical. What do I do?" And he said, "You do A, B, and C. You may complain about C, but its what you need." Nailed it.

    We had a funny exchange about an appliance. We had a potentially threatening conversation about my behavior (reasonably so)... while having an intimate moment, euphemistically speaking. We had an exchange about his family in which I challenged his decisions. All of them -- all! -- were managed in accordance with the values of authenticity and transparency, and our efforts to steer as close to those values as possible. With permission to fail, and respect for each other's needs and instincts.

    He says I work so hard for him and he appreciates it. I don't know what he is talking about. I see my energy and my actions, but it doesn't feel like work at all. I see his affection for me coloring his actions, like he has taken on a new hue that only I can see.

    The other day he gave me a gift. It was a practical gift, that was also a sweet one. My private mind was telling. And I am keeping it to myself.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Dumped my long term fwb via text during a dinner event. He was trending back into "benefits"... my bf kindly said He's a good man; he may not realize his own behavior.

    Gosh I love the bfs approach. ♡ No need to be unkind.

    Me so happy.

  11. #10
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    Would you be ok with your boyfriend having a Slushette in his life in the same way you maintain contact with Slush?

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