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Thread: It's ramblin' time.

  1. #1
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    It's ramblin' time.

    Somewhere along the way I guess I missed the point. To repeating this over and over. Waking up. Shoving dead things into my face to keep myself alive. This fake and forced interaction with others. Pretending that we're friendly. And working myself to exhaustion in order to keep doing... this? Why?

    At least, that's how I feel at the moment. I guess I've come to understand that I don't feel this way when I'm close to someone. More specifically, when I feel needed by someone. When they want to spend significant amounts of time and effort on me and along with me. When we've bought tickets to the same ride. I suppose I could label that and call it a problem, and perhaps it is, but I'd wager that my relationship with solitude and how it's changed throughout the years would eat away at most people. Indeed, I am selfish and inward focused, and ironically it seems these traits do me more harm than good, but they go straight out the window as soon as I become fascinated with another. All that energy is then directed at them, right? And perhaps that is why whenever someone like this exits my life I feel so drained.

    Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with needing a muse, but it seems to be the way I am and there doesn't seem to be much changing it. It's just unfortunate how uncommon it is to find that mutual connection. It's rare for me, and I keep screwing up and losing them. I do seem to have a habit of pushing people away and I don't even notice I'm doing that until they're pushed too far. This is something that must be worked out, for sure. But I also must keep reminding myself to trust my instincts. I have definitely noticed that when my gut feeling and my desire of what could be clash, my instincts were right 9/10 times.

    There are things I need to change but there are also things about me and within me that I must learn to trust. And that I've grown to like.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I knew you had no place for me in your future. I just wanted to believe I was wrong. That's the problem I keep running into - what I know vs what I want.

    I'm not sure how much of it was some kinda self-fulfilling prophecy as I definitely messed up at times, but so did you. People screw up. It's not a reason to hate them forever. But I believe this to be more of a case of me not being as useful to you as I once was, and you bailing as soon as I wasn't. Not that it really matters...

    Perhaps there were just too many obstacles between us and one of us decided to stop ignoring them, and that's all.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I really envy those who live in the moment. Not sporadically like most of us, but consistently. One of my old friends was like that and he seemed pretty happy and lighthearted, and was full of positive energy. I can say for sure that I miss that guy. I heard a... i don't know what to call it. A proverb? A theory? It said that when you're depressed it's because you're living in the past, and you're anxious when living in the future.

    I'm not sure how accurate or plausible it is for everyone, but it's still a profound notion.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I've been wondering what to jot down in here for a bit. I have a lot to say but often not much of a desire to go through the effort of getting it out and onto here. I created a new journal because I feel like I'm not the same as the person who created my original one. But I honestly still have a lot of those same traits. The same curiosities, the same insecurities, the same overactive mind... and I still have so many questions with answers that lie buried deep beneath my skin into places I probably won't reach for quite some time. If ever.

    I often wonder why I am even here. Why am I on this website? Why am I in this section? What the hell do I have to write and do I really have anything to say? With purpose and meaning?

    And who am I doing it for? Am I writing for myself? Am I hoping there's at least one lost person out there who can get some comfort and understanding from what they're reading? Am I writing for attention? Hell, maybe I'm writing for no reason at all. I think that sometimes it's one of those things, sometimes all of those things, and sometimes none of those things. Sometimes your guess is as good as mine, I just feel the need to write something. Write anything.

    There's a lot going on with me and most of it I don't share. I'll never be 100% open anywhere I go, online or not. Anonymous or not. Everybody has a story within them that they don't like to share. That they keep so hidden within them that they've convinced themselves it never even happened. I'm doing okay but I'm struggling at the same time. I'm still emotional and empathetic to the point of it being too much. I can be way too much for people, which then leads me to being nothing to them.

    As far as my situation right now, and why I bothered to create a new journal, most of it I've resolved already. I'm still working through some of it but I know the answers because I've seen this particular test before. Been through a worse version of it.

    I've got an addict brother, a disappointed father, a worried mother, and a lost sense of self. There's a lot going on but you'll never know my full story. And that's the way it is for everyone. There is so much going on within every single individual that you come across. You can see how much weight is on some of them if you actually bother to look. And if I have a point at all to any of this, I guess it's just to do my best to keep that in mind as I keep navigating and figuring all this out. This brutally hard test of being a human.

    I'm doing my best.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    When I strip away the raw feelings that I had for her and the ones that linger still, and just look at what I actually liked and miss about her, there's honestly not much there. Which is why I don't understand (and why I'm so annoyed by) this continuing, nagging hope of her reaching out to me. About what? I don't know. I don't have anything I want to say or hear.

    It has to be some stupid ego thing. Like I just want to know she felt the need to do so or something. I've been a good boy since the beginning of this and went NC immediately. I haven't broken it once and it hasn't been too difficult. I really don't have the slightest desire to even try to repair what used to be there. It's gone. I fundamentally don't like her anymore.

    But still, this pestering hope for something so petty. It's so dumb.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Sometimes you just need some of them good old vibes to brighten up a dark day. And though the message of the song resonates all the more with each year that goes by, it still brings me comfort somehow, because time is everything, and as long as I have more of it, I am blessed.


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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    My dog died yesterday. I think I'm still processing it and it almost seems like it didn't even happen. It's a kind of numbness that I'm not sure how to feel about. I feel guilty for a couple reasons and one is that I feel like I should be sadder, but honestly the primary feeling is a kind of relief. I had her since I was 12, 18 years together, and I'm just so thankful for that time. Hence the content of my previous entry.

    The other reason I feel guilty is that I made the decision to have her put to sleep. One of the most difficult decisions I've ever made and her looking back at me as she was placed on the table just broke my heart so much. But I am confidant I made the right choice, the more humane and less selfish choice of deciding she had been through enough. She was pretty miserable, mostly blind and deaf, and she had cancer which I believe had started sending her into these heart wrenching, seizure like fits where she'd wet herself and it was obvious that even if she could go on another year, it would be filled with scares and misery. The vet had already bought me years of extra time with her through a surgery that he didn't even think she would make it through. She was back on her feet and ready to be taken home in half the time that he predicted when she did survive. She was one hell of a strong dog that clearly wanted to live, and I guess that's another reason the guilt is there.

    But primarily, I'm just so glad her pain and fear and difficulties are over and she can rest now. She has been given some much deserved peace.

    I'll love and keep her in my heart until the day, I too, am laid to rest.

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    Oh no, so sorry! 18 years is remarkable for a dog!

    While it is hard to say goodbye, it can be comforting to know they are not suffering any more. I had a cat who had cancer and strokes. You know it is time to help them over the Rainbow bridge when they are suffering so.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I appreciate your sympathies, Luminous. It was absolutely the right choice but it's still a rough thing to be the decider of the day your long-time companion will die.

    The house feels a lot emptier but I'm sure she's better off now, whether that's eternal rest or a different existence.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear this.
    I'm sending some loving energy your way, and for your pup.
    It's true you will carry the love forever. It sounds like she had a great life, one with someone who loved her through it all.

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