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Thread: Faith Commitment Action

  1. #471
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate your voice—on here, and in the world at large—in much the same ways.

    I suppose I do have a lot of faith that our time will be rewarded, so thanks for putting into words an abstraction in myself. What, exactly, is that reward? I have no idea, and I'm pretty comfortable with that notion. Wasn't always, but I was fortunate to get a good lesson very early in adulthood, when I went after a Big Dream and, lo and behold, attained it.

    What fueled that pursuit—this is a creative/professional thing—was probably the belief that, once I achieved it, something like inner peace and harmony would would wash over me, while the Woman of My Dreams emerged next to me from the ether. Alas, it didn't, she didn't, and at 23 that meant I had to keep searching. Still am, and, in the end, I think the search is probably going to be the greatest reward far more than anything I find along the way.

    I think I'm motivated by connection and by depth more than anything else. Knowing that makes the false starts and missteps less devastating—just new doors rather than dead ends. I'm a believer that love—of ourselves, of others, of the world at large and the passions we can engage—can only be found by taking steps toward things that scare us and seeing if we can find comfort there. Maybe that's what you mean by "the struggle," I don't know. I find it all genuinely thrilling.

    I may catch some flack for this, but I don't think there's anything wrong with using the dating apps—and, by extension, "using" people—to test the waters, be they the waters inside or the waters outside ourselves. Just have to be above board in reading those internal radars honestly and treating people kindly. Which, yeah, is generally easier to do once we've created a bit of space between our present and our past, something it seems you're taking steps toward doing.

  2. #472
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    We finally broke up.

    By that I mean, the connection wasn't broken before, it was attenuated. It felt like we were still together but in different places, or going through something separately but together.

    Finally, we have agreed to not be friends, not try to be friends, to not have contact until such time as contact can occur without triggering large emotions. This is as it should be; we had not arrived at this place organically, until now.

    Of course, something died and all that. Mostly, though, I am free to go forward. I really wasn't, not wholly. I was becoming angry, feeling used as a friend, feeling played as a woman. Wanting him to take responsibility for being flaky as heck. Wanting him to see how much he was perpetuating a connection even as he was killing it still, one stab at a time. I wanted to blame myself for not walking away as soon as it began. Wishing it never happened.

    Now, I feel fine. If he isn't asking for my friendship, I don't much care if he takes responsibility, "gets it", finds his future, whatever. I just don't care. It isn't my problem or my business. The boundary is mutual, bilateral, appropriate. The friendship is damaged, I do not trust him. I will later, perhaps; I do not trust him to know himself well enough to be responsible with me.

    I do not want to know about his intimate life, his success at his new ventures, his athletics, his therapy. I am not immune to feeling hurt at my distance to those things and resentful that he is with someone else.

    But he is gone, and is staying gone. For that, I am quite grateful.

  3. #473
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    (oh, my words implied that he is with someone else. he isn't, or wasn't as of last weekend. I meant, eventually, which could be tomorrow or next year.)

  4. #474
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    I'm glad you're moving on. I think partly by going back and forth and staying "attenuated" complications that feel like you're being played are inevitable with very rare exception so I'm glad you cut the cord.

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  6. #475
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I feel like this is the wrong thing to say, but I am glad. I think this is a normal, healthy reaction:

    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    The friendship is damaged, I do not trust him.

  7. #476
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Jibraltar and Batya,

    Thank you both. I agree in full.

    I am certain his intentions - at least the ones of which he is aware - are kinder than my words suggest. Lots to say on that, if I have anything to say at all. At the moment, nothing to say. Glad to spend my energy elsewhere.

    I agreed to a meet up from an app; we meet at a simple coffee shop tomorrow.

    Had a great day at work today. If the seeds sown today bear fruit, I will double the TEAM goal next year with just my individual production. Fingers crossed!

  8. #477
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I feel like this is the wrong thing to say, but I am glad. I think this is a normal, healthy reaction:
    And yes, this was exactly the right thing to say. ♡

  9. #478
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Doing some cleaning up today and found something of his; remembered that he has furniture of mine that I want back rather than have him sell it or move it to a new house.

    No big deal, I dropped off a small bag at his front desk with a note re furniture. Had so much anxiety making even that much contact that I am sure my blood pressure is up and I am still relaxing my facial muscles, my shoulders. Getting a pedi, that solves everything.

    It is so entirely... weird.

  10. #479
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Me right now... The dual existence of happiness and openness and the more private pain of knowing how deeply apart we are, how I can't send him pics of where I am, how in some imagined life he could have stopped here and continued on to where he is going next. I miss his friendship and his company.

    I am glad to be freed of his games.

    What is over is... over. The good is gone along with the bad. The good is worth missing.

  11. #480
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    When I am low on sleep (multiple time zones this week), a sadness wells up and wants to come out.

    I was with three other adults last few days. One was married (to a man), the other three were women with no significant romantic partners. These were smart, fit, dynamic women.

    A relationship is a choice. I feel sad about not being in a position to make that choice.

    Also, the ex's sister has put up memes every day that are brutal, memes that support him shutting people out of his life.

    Its frustrating to have been with someone who started to blame me for his own situation. The things that need solving are so easy to solve. Seems impossible to solve for fear.

    I am better when I find my own defensiveness, and eliminate it. Better when I say, I want someone who wants to be here, and that's that.

    But the sense of betrayal lingers. I look forward to being able to let that go.

    I look forward to just going to sleep.

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