Faith Commitment Action

[IAmFCA]

Blue and Jib

Your posts were each beautiful in their humanity, thank you for sharing them. I haven't been writing, more just percolating.

Indeed, resentment was likely an undercurrent, and he would know that is something I did not earn. He observed his own insistence on creating closeness and was surprised by his own withdrawal. He knows it isn't me, and was protecting me from seeing that undercurrent.

Which brings me to your question, Blue. Yes, he can appreciate a wide range and his friendships reflect that as does his humanist value system. But... he appreciates intellectually, from afar, in a sense. At a deeper level? I don't know. Maybe the appreciation mingles with comparison, with ways he feels he falls short. I suspect it does.

And so... as to our suitability? Not suitable now, and now is all I need to know. Its a bummer. But glad he ended it rather than drag it out.

I have been pleased with who I am and who I have been through this major change. I feel a bit isolated which happens when my work disrupts my nights and weekends. Mostly I feel stable and productive and like I am doing what I am supposed to do. I am grateful for that!

[Batya33]

Is it a fair assumption that you seem to go for projects not people and the drama/project aspect is what keeps you going more than the actual person or relationship with that person? I agree you seem to dote on unavailable guys.

[IAmFCA]

Is it a fair assumption that you seem to go for projects not people and the drama/project aspect is what keeps you going more than the actual person or relationship with that person? I agree you seem to dote on unavailable guys.

Nope; no part of him felt like a project to me - just a regular work in progress like the rest of us. He has been promoted at work, activated a deeply effective network, captains two amateur sports teams one of which won its championship game. I didn't feel like I needed to fix or solve, I felt like I just needed to be present and that he would move through his journey on his own - which he did. I didn't expect him to end it along the way; I don't think he did either.

So anyway, not the project aspect, I don't think so. At one time, yes, years ago. Not now.

Am going tonight to see friends who love me lots and the last time we all gathered he was with me and he was a big hit - very well liked by all. I admit it feels a little challenging to go out tonight, same people, same place, without the guy.

[IAmFCA]

Here is an idea: Am I unavailable to myself? Feom mbg :
"Being available to yourself means developing a close, loving, accepting, bonded relationship with yourself and your internal process."
I mean, I think so? Some of my habits I started after he and I got together; maybe when we met, I wasn't? Hmm. Dunno. I think I am putting my needs first, although to be fair, it is difficult as a single parent to say that with certainty.

[Batya33]

Here is an idea: Am I unavailable to myself? Feom mbg :
"Being available to yourself means developing a close, loving, accepting, bonded relationship with yourself and your internal process."
I mean, I think so? Some of my habits I started after he and I got together; maybe when we met, I wasn't? Hmm. Dunno. I think I am putting my needs first, although to be fair, it is difficult as a single parent to say that with certainty.

I think anyone who has commitments to and responsibilities for others whether in a parenting context or otherwise has times where they forego self-care. By project I meant all the ways you analyze and think about why he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you (whether it's doesn't want or "can't" the result is the same) and indulge him in all his ruminations about "why" he acts as he does with you and why he interacts with you as he does and why he is unavailable much of the time (emotionally, logistically, otherwise) - that's what I meant about project. I do know women who take on projects as in men who don't have their act together as far as work/place to live, or have drug addictions etc. I didn't mean it in that context.

[IAmFCA]

I think anyone who has commitments to and responsibilities for others whether in a parenting context or otherwise has times where they forego self-care. By project I meant all the ways you analyze and think about why he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you (whether it's doesn't want or "can't" the result is the same) and indulge him in all his ruminations about "why" he acts as he does with you and why he interacts with you as he does and why he is unavailable much of the time (emotionally, logistically, otherwise) - that's what I meant about project. I do know women who take on projects as in men who don't have their act together as far as work/place to live, or have drug addictions etc. I didn't mean it in that context.

Oh. Well, I don't feel like I do that; I mean, it was frustrating for me when he was focused on his story. It was like, every conversation ended up being filtered through his story.

I think there was a lot going on inside that he did not share and that I took him at face value.

[Batya33]

Oh. Well, I don't feel like I do that; I mean, it was frustrating for me when he was focused on his story. It was like, every conversation ended up being filtered through his story.

I think there was a lot going on inside that he did not share and that I took him at face value.

I was more referring to what you do/go through when you are not with him and what you tell yourself, not him and not what he tells you.

As far as the "every conversation" it sounds like that has been a theme with him for quite a while.

[IAmFCA]

I was more referring to what you do/go through when you are not with him and what you tell yourself, not him and not what he tells you.

As far as the "every conversation" it sounds like that has been a theme with him for quite a while.

For the time of every conversation, that is really since June. Previously, it was a constant in his head but he disn't share it; at least is my impression. He was hoping to address something within himself without breaking us up; had been working at it unbeknownst to me for months. So yes - top of mind for him. Not for me.

In my company, usually, he was engaged, big fat smile, affectionate, etc. It didn't reflect some sort of shame he was harboring inside.

[IAmFCA]

My intended post:

I was more referring to what you do/go through when you are not with him and what you tell yourself, not him and not what he tells you.

As far as the "every conversation" it sounds like that has been a theme with him for quite a while.

I spoke up about what I wanted and needed; I didn't get lost. I changed my routine when I felt we were out of balance; he didn't like it. But he didn't change his. In the end, sure I spoke in terms of his process; I broke us up but really it was his choice to end it, and that felt like a betrayal and one I didn't expect.

But no, his self exploration is not of interest to me, per se. As an intellectual pursuit, sure. But as an experience? Tiresome.

He shares (by email only) with me now some of his emerging art work and thanks me for my interest in looking closely at it.

I have no hope for reconciliation. I think he does, and also I think that's all he needs, hope. Some distant future plan that creates an escape from today. I had those concerns early and spoke them; I thought they could be overcome along the way.

It is important I get this pattern right within myself so when I am ready I am self-aware.

Currently.planning to take a vacation and invest the time in my home, moving in all over again, in a sense. The redo will be a major source of energy.

[bluecastle]

I like way you're thinking about this, or the way you think in general. It's relatable. My sense is that you are drawn to complexity, generally speaking, which will inherently make you drawn to complexity in others. But there is a limit, an awareness when the complexities of another (and/or their wrestling with them) might smooth yours over, simplify yourself in a way that isn't genuine. Or, as the kids say, where what seemed complex is maybe #basic, too #basic for you.

And that's kind of what I see here. He's reckoning with something, and you've got a built in respect for those sorts of reckonings. Great stuff. But you've got your own reckonings, so if someone can't reckon alongside you—yeah, it just becomes an intellectual exercise that doesn't fire enough synapses. I can almost feel your brain listening to him with total compassion while another corridor is going: "Welcome to the club..."

I'm likely wrong. I wouldn't be so presumptuous with another poster, but I trust your ability to discard and absorb as needed. Personally, I think there's a sweet place where we're all trying to get where we can be both "in transition" and "settled," if that makes sense. Or maybe it's a certain subset of the population, those with a pronounced searching gene. I don't know. Things I think about from time to time.

Anyhow, my gut says that you're further along on that search that he is—that you can be in transition and settled without hyperventilating. For a good stretch, I think, he seemed like a fellow traveler there, but in time you've seen a more binary mode of thinking, of being, that does not compliment you where you need to be complimented.

So the house. You're doing a renovation?