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Thread: Faith Commitment Action

  1. #441
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Many good ideas here -
    - and Bluecastle, I thought I would dig in but instead I have focused on each moment itself, living it.

    Took this past weekend in full to myself, an unusual opportunity and enormously productive. (Read a book, maybe got a little too much sun.)

    Productivity => cleared up any ambiguity with the exbf, who had plenty of ambiguity despite his verbal clarity. By late Sunday he saw that he also is "not ready to be" friends, that he hasn't yet felt the full pain of separation because he has other painful things process (and also, because he hadn't truly separated from me).

    We exchanged affectionate emails of concurrence, he allowed that he would follow my pace to communicate (a privilege I welcome but did not request; I do not intend to communicate); it now feels like a proper and complete break up and like a job well done on both our parts.

    Monday I saw a man in a coffee shop and recognized him as someone who has an attractive appearance. Was glad of it for its signal that I am on my path forward.

    Feel much much better because I took time out to live authentically in my own feelings and thoughts, at my own pace (often hard to do because I do not live alone - older kids are wonderfully and very interactive); and to address with him areas where I was unclear and uncomfortable. Intellectually, I knew I could have simply stopped communication, but I didn't want to do that, and I am grateful that we were able to avoid having to close the door against one another. Much more peaceful to feel we closed it together.

    Of course I would wish for the relationship it was thought to be, but it wasn't that if he felt himself trying to undermine it. Better now than later.

    Am focused on my life, and it was already in a good place. Is a nice privilege to work at it and enjoy it.

  2. #442
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    You know if you end up with CSG (Coffee Shop Guy!!) perhaps don't tell him "you had me when I recognized you as someone who has an attractive appearance" ;-). It reminds me a little of an old Seinfeld episode when "Pantene" was referenced in an attempt to woo a lady as in "your hair smells like Pantene".

    And i agree FWIW with your insights about work!

    Glad you are moving forward!!!!

  3. #443
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You know if you end up with CSG (Coffee Shop Guy!!) perhaps don't tell him "you had me when I recognized you as someone who has an attractive appearance" ;-). It reminds me a little of an old Seinfeld episode when "Pantene" was referenced in an attempt to woo a lady as in "your hair smells like Pantene".

    And i agree FWIW with your insights about work!

    Glad you are moving forward!!!!
    Batya.

    My kids tell me I remind them of the TV character Bones. I may need your advice if indeed CSG becomes a thing. Let's not forget I once told a man "I like your brain." To be fair, it IS a pretty cool brain. Definitely an awkward compliment though. #DatingFail

    Had one of those weeks when you get a flat tire and a dead battery and a new project while headed to client meetings and the airport. Turning in early. Good night good people of ENA!

  4. #444
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Just had a dark and callous thought.

    Fleeting appreciation for a world where - given that it had become inevitable after sustaining themselves despite declining health - my parents have passed on, though I wish they hadn't. I am absent that feeling of Are they okay?

    I would carry that weight for infinity, if I could have them here to rest my eyes upon. Knowing they were leaving the planet, one by one, engaged my subconscious in the worst stretch of anxiety and fear. I feel better now.

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  6. #445
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Batya.

    My kids tell me I remind them of the TV character Bones. I may need your advice if indeed CSG becomes a thing. Let's not forget I once told a man "I like your brain." To be fair, it IS a pretty cool brain. Definitely an awkward compliment though. #DatingFail

    Had one of those weeks when you get a flat tire and a dead battery and a new project while headed to client meetings and the airport. Turning in early. Good night good people of ENA!
    Some week!! When my niece was around 8 she first met my husband. She said to him "if you don't marry my Aunt will you marry me?" And then she said "I like a boy in my class because he has a very big" (then she paused) All of the family around the table kind of cringed, waiting and she said "brain!!!". (yes she meant it no she had no clue why we were concerned).

    You should feel very very acccomplished with all you have going on!!

  7. #446
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Overdue to say thank you for your energy and supportive perspectives.

    Am working my (not as little as it was) touchus to bits. Having a blast doing it.

    My sense of things regarding the not very ex exbf is, I think, calming into an unremarkable situation.

    As I learned last week, for him, my conversations can feel threatening and trigger significant feelings of fear. His heartbeat increases and he feels hypersensitive and defensive. I am a trigger for his desire to please. If I am displeased, he takes cover. Goodness that is awful. Grateful that he articulated it. And that he heard and that I articulated my fear - which is that he will destroy what we have (friendship of any kind, everything) and then talk himself out of trying to date again.

    Why I would still want him after all that is a separate question! Obviously a pattern for me, and perhaps one I have a better chance of making right if we've already known one another for so long.

    Anyhoo. My fear, expressed and heard, was met by his promise to ignore my situation at such time and reach out to me, despite fears (if any) of my potential disinterest.

    He spent the weekend out of town with friends, another check on his post divorce recovery list -in my opinion. For me, those trips were necessary to establish, for myself, my footing as an individual. In a month or so he will travel to his familial home, which is far away and which will check off another one of these boxes.

    He has been strategic at missing the summer holidays and, I think will my birthday, allowing him to avoid any conflicting feelings he may have about not celebrating it.

    I, meanwhile, am totally disinterested in dating. Enjoyed a little frisson with my exfwb, but have a long way to go before feeling open to someone else. As was my norm most of my life he would need to feel familiar, be familiar, a budding friendship or a repeat fixture in my routine. So far as I can tell, none of those resources yield potential at the moment. And just as well; I don't miss it.

    Doing my life, which is a gas. The rest will show itself as I make room for it.

    Traveling at least once, for a week, in 3 weeks' time. And maybe once before that. Work is challenging my ability to feel sharp when exhausted, and I am going to have be more thoughtful about making sleep happen.

    I really like being challenged!

  8. #447
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    As I learned last week, for him, my conversations can feel threatening and trigger significant feelings of fear. His heartbeat increases and he feels hypersensitive and defensive. I am a trigger for his desire to please. If I am displeased, he takes cover.
    It actually sounds more like you are a trigger for his resentment. Not that you deserve it! But hear me out.

    He calls it a "desire to please," but it sounds more like a sense of obligation that he does not embrace and wants to resist. But his desire to resist causes him guilt. So he feels trapped and resentful and you come out looking like the bad guy even if you're not actually putting pressure on him.

    Someone who truly wants to please does so, and experiences a reward from doing so, not anxiety, defensiveness, and fear.

  9. #448
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    It actually sounds more like you are a trigger for his resentment. Not that you deserve it! But hear me out.

    He calls it a "desire to please," but it sounds more like a sense of obligation that he does not embrace and wants to resist. But his desire to resist causes him guilt. So he feels trapped and resentful and you come out looking like the bad guy even if you're not actually putting pressure on him.

    Someone who truly wants to please does so, and experiences a reward from doing so, not anxiety, defensiveness, and fear.
    Yes! Interesting! Thank you. Will have that available if he invites discussion. Makes sense to feel resentment if if it seems that pleasing others is a necessary trade off to earn love. ... and then of course the childish/obstructive behavior is a means of expressing self governance. oh yes! thank you!

  10. #449
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Your recent post brings me back to what I offered a few posts ago.

    I may be completely wrong, and wouldn't venture here were I not confident in your own ability to parse through things, but the impression I'm getting is that of two people at different stages of personal evolution—a gap that once seemed bridgeable, even non-existent, or complimentary in a yin/yang fashion, but that perhaps fueled the fire that is now (depending on one's metaphorical preference) either burning out or burning too hot to harness in a sustainable fashion.

    The bit that jumped at me? His feeling "threatened" by conversations with you. Sigh. Makes me think that he believes—perhaps correctly—that you can see around more corners than he can. Life corners, emotional corners. That you can carry a bit more proverbial weight on your shoulders without wobbling. And so his reaction to that is to exaggerate his own wobbling—to take on the role as being more "lost" to your "found." Play a role too long and we come to inhabit it, and the bummer about this thing we call chemistry is that it's sometimes sparked by two people playing roles that don't quite work—or only work for so long.

    I'm being vague. I'm also, I admit, projecting. I've found myself, in more than one romance, being told in the aftermath that conversing with me can "feel threatening" or "intimidating" or, in one memorable instance, like "being on mushrooms." This is not a reference to emotional volatility, as I am by nature, if you'll trust me, kind and composed and exceedingly mellow in disposition. But I am pretty precise with language, quick when it comes to translating feelings into words, and pretty fearless when it comes to looking at hard things and asking hard questions, particularly in the the realm of psychic and emotional discomfort, be it myself, another, or between me and another.

    Is that fancy talk for saying that I've been the more intelligent, emotionally and otherwise, party in some relationships? Probably, much as I cringe at myself in writing this sentence. I've never wanted to admit that, of course, because (a) it sounds ego-centric and probably is; and (b) I have a deep predisposition to self-identify as not particularly intelligent. Long story there not worth getting into. But while that predisposition comes with some positives (being open to more people) it also comes with some negatives (perceiving chasm-sized gaps as cracks in the sidewalk).

    I wonder if any of that resonates. You strike me as capable of appreciating him—and people in general, to say nothing of this strange business of being alive—along a vast and nuanced spectrum. All the different colors, including those that sting the eyes a bit. Do you believe that he shares that capability, not just with you but more generally?

  11. #450
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Makes sense to feel resentment if if it seems that pleasing others is a necessary trade off to earn love. ...
    What if love isn't even on his agenda? Like, what if he simply isn't interested in love, but thinks he is (because everyone is right? because not being interested in love makes you a bad monster)?

    It sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I don't necessarily think it is a horrible thing. I don't think that being disinterested in love makes a person a monster.

    It's just an inherent capacity that can't be altered. Like, a metaphorical cup. A love-cup. Some people have beer stein love-cups, some people have buckets, some people have shot glasses, and some people have thimbles.

    The people with the smaller love-cups are more easily overwhelmed and always will be.

    If I was walking around with a love-thimble, I'd probably get tired of it constantly overflowething and messing up my clothes and my shoes. Not to mention my couch or the book that I'm reading. Would I want to walk around wearing a love-poncho to protect my belongings? No!

    Maybe the resentment is coming from constantly having to do something he doesn't really want to do, and from hiding the fact that he doesn't really want to do it.

    Society places a lot of pressure on us to act in loving ways. We are supposed to get married, have children, raise a family. People who don't have that natural disposition are often looked at askance. And for those who really like to fit in with everyone else, I think it's probably quite difficult to face the fact that they have a love- shot-glass or a love-thimble instead of a nice, 12-oz love-cup.

    Just think about your response to the idea that he is walking around with only a love-thimble. Do you want to defend his honor to me, a stranger, or to society in general? His response is probably very similar to yours, probably stronger.

    It really does sound like the one of the worst things you can say about someone. But like I said earlier, I don't think it's actually bad. Just the denial of it is bad because everyone else is left confused and unfulfilled in some indistinct way.

    And I'm not saying it is true of him. I just want to say that it's something to consider because if it is true, he will be in denial about it and will probably never come to terms with it. And he will probably never change.

    I think that you, on the other hand, are very interested in having a loving relationship. But you seem to dote over these unavailable guys.

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