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Thread: Faith Commitment Action

  1. #411
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Good luck with the new job! Was your ex your spouse? I think that's a different dynamic so the habits he had that didn't work for you might be more tolerable if present in this person because you're not co-parenting, not married, not sharing living space.

    Enjoy the vacation!
    Batya, That is it exactly. The way it is, for now, is just right. We had a great dinner last night, he was buoyed and challenged by his therapy session yesterday, about which I know very little as is appropriate -- but I see the energy he gets from learning.

    All good here. :) Yay!

  2. #412
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    Update: BF - or ex BF - has identified that subconsciously he doesn't feel he deserves a happy life, he has pushed his therapist to understand the depth of his challenge, he is keeping a notebook of questions and ideas that arise and raises those topics with therapist weekly, and has committed himself to resolving this blockage and its underlying causes. Bravo to him for his courage and responsibility. He says he never had the courage until now to address the scary things.

    Childhood sexual abuse is just so unforgivable.

    Its a bit like breaking up so that one party can go to rehab. Its not about us, per se, but his health issue. My mere presence impacts his clarity that he is putting himself first.

    This has required a LOT of exploration, discussion, and challenge. More simply, its just a fact that he has a health issue that requires his full commitment.

    He is an emotionally unreliable partner and he is committed to resolving that. I am committed to taking space from him to ensure that I accept him as he is; which is lovable but not fit for partnership.

    We have given each other much encouragement as we take these uncertain steps.

    --

    So of course my fwb, who knows nothing of this, is raising his hand for attention. I can not. I can date, if I find that availability within myself (i dont), but to revisit someone whom my bf can see as a potential partner for me would undermine our ability to reunite. I remain interested in protecting that.

    I am the highest priority I have. And that makes dating and my fwb low priorities, both.

    --

    As I say, we attract a mirror image: I too need to focus on myself and my goals. And I am! That is a different post, for later.

  3. #413
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    "It's not you it's me". Glad you are moving on for now! He can handle his life on his own right now with the help of his therapists etc -and I'm glad you've been a support to him and are choosing to move on for now.

  4. #414
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    "It's not you it's me". Glad you are moving on for now! He can handle his life on his own right now with the help of his therapists etc -and I'm glad you've been a support to him and are choosing to move on for now.
    Yes me too. If not moving on, exactly, certainly shifting focus. We had incorporated a lot of space starting early this year as he tried to understand his internal landscape, so its not a dramatic act, now. I had already gathered my things etc. some time ago.

    We talked a lot about not blowing up a relationship that we may want to keep; it took a lot of listening on both of our parts to sort out exactly what is going on and how to handle it.

    My biggest risk is behaving in a way that is inauthentic, as a reaction to breaking up. If I really want to date, I will, but I don't expect to want to and I had already been in that space when he and I met. Its MY time, and I don't much want to give it away. If I end up not dating and he does, that will be whatever that is -- but at least I will have been true to myself

    My lesson is: don't date just because now I am without a dating partner; similarly, don't wait for him just because we may reunite later.

    Am not wondering what the future holds. I know what it holds: I am pursuing my career, my athletics, my water sports, and my daughters' interests and company. My future is already rich with those ingredients. So much better than ever before!

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  6. #415
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    "My lesson is: don't date just because now I am without a dating partner; similarly, don't wait for him just because we may reunite later. "

    Yes -love how to the point that is.

    In your past posts you went back and forth with him so as far as gathering your things if you mean stuff you left at his house - sure - and you wrote about going back and forth so not sure what you meant. Glad you are moving on and glad things are going so well!

  7. #416
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    First time I've come home tired and happy after great days of family and friends... but home now with kids away and time only for packing for the gym and the office... Feels kind of blah.

  8. #417
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    [I am so over Luke. Have been in Hannah's shoes a million times. We want to understand, but it doesn't matter. We know it doesn't work for us. She needs to let him go.]

    I am missing that man. I am fine, I am stable, I am doing what I need to do, its all good. But yeah, I miss him like crazy.

    Also, because OF COURSE... my job may send me to the city where my fwb is. Haven't bern there in decades. I like how life is always going to test us, to laugh at our idea of order, to pretend we can keep it clean and simple. We can, of course, by explicit choice.

  9. #418
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    Tonight on my way home to my empty house, I was quietly angry at my exbf. It was late, the sky was colored with the onset of a pretty sunset, and I wished for a quiet evening winding down in his company.

    Then I thought about my friends, I thought about my opportunity to date, and my personal interests and I saw that I didn't want time spent that way. I wanted what a bf offers - coming home late, winding down, going to bed. And I was angry that he took that away, as irrational as that is.

    He is entirely unavailable; he is conversant, he misses me, he is pursuing interests that we would continue as a pair if we were coupled. He is leaving town for the holiday, he is doing what he does as the lone wolf that he is. He says he knows only what he needs today, and does not know even his own path beyond the current moment. He got to the edge of making inflexible decisions and perhaps that is what triggered his complete retreat into himself. Glad he did; much better than building on a cracked foundation. It made me mad today, anyway.

    I turned it for good, made myself a good dinner, got one small item done on line, and cleaned up a smidgeon.

    I am annoyed to have my summer this way and I am annoyed to be self sufficient, as always, again. This is rich! I have required that I become and remain self sufficient and wouldn't accept help if I had it.

    Adulthood. An isolating time, as many studies have shown, as we focus on our households, our families, our jobs. I am feeling that this week.

    And, that's okay. I am given to periods of melancholy from time to time. It comes and then I bounce higher afterwards. Emotions derive from how we think of them; its not something to solve. I am reframing and meanwhile writing of it.

    Am tired! Turning off the fascinating debate discussion and heading to bed.

  10. #419
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    i don't have a goal of 30 days, only to make note of the gaps ...

    1

  11. #420
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    Friday erupted into an email exchange borne of the usual mutual blend of oversimplification, fear, affection and attachment... And just as usual, we stayed engaged until we sorted it. Haven't been in contact since then, which feels like the right decision. It is quite the interesting tension; in any event, glad to be again of clear understanding. 2

    Ran off to visit my young adult daughter this weekend and had the best time ever. I am infinitely grateful that I enjoy my kids as much as I do. I respect them and I believe the world is better and will be better due to their presence. I can't live in the future with either; it scares me to my core and makes my heart hurt. I do hope the world is as kind to them as their hearts are kind to others.

    Maybe they have been my best lesson in living in the present while committing to a lifetime.

    Home now and anxious. I am supposed to have had my place to myself, but I have another daughter here. She is happy and self directed; its only that I wanted to be home alone. Recharging now for next tasks.


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