Still no contact from my ex, wondering if I ever mattered at all

It's been over 3 months since my ex left me (we had been together almost 7.5 years from the age of 14 - we are both 22 now) and he still hasn't even done so much as to see if I'm still alive. We were long distance, so there have been so instances where we would have ran in to each other going about our daily lives at all. It just hurts me so much that he could just walk away and leave me like I'm nothing. Up until he broke up with me he had been saying that he loved me, I was his priority (all words but no actions to back them up towards the end of our relationship though sadly) and then he just left me. Was he lying when he was saying those things then? Because if you truly loved someone you'd want to make sure they were okay surely? I can't believe he has thrown me away like this without a care in the world, it really makes me feel terribly worthless and unloveable. If anyone has any words of reassurance I'd be really grateful, I don't know how much more of this sadness I can take.

Why should he contact you after you have broken up? He's moved on, by the sounds of it, and you need to move on as well. Unfortunately over is over and you need to learn to accept it. It doesnt mean he never loved you, it means it's over and it's time to get on with your life. He is not obligated in any way to see if you are still alive. It just doesnt work that way. You will survive this. If you dont think you will, get some counselling to learn how to move on.

Sorry you're in pain, but, yes: over is over. It is devastating to lose that immediate sense of security and validation, but trust me: it is ultimately more devastating when you use your ex as a crutch to get through the pain of the breakup.

He meant what he said, he felt what he felt. He also meant that it's over, and he's out there processing that in his own way. It's time for you to do that for you now too, and just let the universe steer you to what's next.

He meant what he said, he felt what he felt.

The issue with this is that he couldn't really explain why, he just said he couldn't do it anymore. He's left me with no explanation, no closure, and now I'm just left with silence. He expressed that it wasn't me (I know people say that's a line but I honestly believe him) and I know that I hadn't done anything to make him leave me like this. Sure I'm not perfect, but no-one is. I thought we could work on our problems, and I was planning to move to be with him in a couple of months' time so I thought that would have made things easier, and yet he just disappeared. When he left he said he couldn't imagine not having me in his life, and I said that it didn't have to be so 'black and white' about us not talking ever again, so I honestly believed he would still maybe want to see how I was after knowingly hurting me like this. I just can't cope without an explanation, it makes me feel like I'm disposable and worthless, and like I'm just okay with this kind of treatment.

He is not obligated in any way to see if you are still alive.

I understand that he doesn't have any responsibility for contacting me, but he is a human being and so I thought he might at least have some compassion. We were together from the age of 14 and grew up together, and it basically feels like it counted for nothing now that he's just thrown me away.

all you can do is work on your healing and get to where you can feel happy again.

I am trying, I haven't just been a weeping mess this whole time since he left. It's really hard at the moment because I'm in the last months of my degree and so it's very highly pressured at the moment. Outwardly I think I appear to be dealing with this pretty well, I work in the studio all day, go to exercise classes with my friends in the evenings, get my work done, socialise on the weekends etc., but on the inside I still feel so lost and alone. We are still friends on social media (Facebook and Instagram), but I can't really see the point in that anymore as he's obviously not concerned about me or what I'm doing (although I've not posted anything on my accounts since the breakup). It just feels like we're staying 'friends' to make it appear amicable, but it just means I'm sent into a spiral of analysis every time he posts something.

You need to delete him from your social media, first and foremost.

Unfortunately, this type of break-up happens when one person has well and truly moved on (emotionally-speaking) No, it likely isn't anything you did or didn't do. Your ages play a big role here as well; he has probably outgrown the relationship and is ready to spread his wings and explore. Few people stay with their childhood sweethearts forever. And while it hurts a lot now, it's not a bad thing that this has ended. Now you will have the chance to grow and explore too, when you're healed.

Remaining No Contact is honestly for the best. It seems crazy that someone you thought you knew so well can go cold turkey, but if he had been in touch, the risk is that you would have read more into it and held on to false hope. I think he likely knows this and doesn't want to speak right now, knowing you didn't want to break up. It would complicate things further.

we are both 22 .We had been long distance for the last 3.5 years of our relationship because we went to different universities a couple hundred miles apart

This was a very valid reason to end things:

he just said he couldn't do it anymore.

I totally understand what your going thru. U want to know if u mattered to a guy who u been with for 7 years . That is a long time . U want to know if he cared and if he did how could he not reach out , how could it not hurt him to not know what is going on with u ? Why isn't this hurting him. I gone thru the same questions.

But I am not sure if we will get all our answers. So I am trying to just heal , hopefully u can try too because we have no choice but too. I am here if u want to chat

I totally understand what your going thru. U want to know if u mattered to a guy who u been with for 7 years . That is a long time . U want to know if he cared and if he did how could he not reach out , how could it not hurt him to not know what is going on with u ? Why isn't this hurting him. I gone thru the same questions.

 

But I am not sure if we will get all our answers. So I am trying to just heal , hopefully u can try too because we have no choice but too. I am here if u want to chat

there's no way a person could not care after all that time together... i mean really, that would be ridiculous.

however, people do come to cross roads and things end. i agree that your ages have a lot to do with it. 7 years from 14-22 or so? yes it could work out happily ever after. heck! i know multiple people that married their high school sweet heart. but darling, these are formative years... you're children. I'm not saying that to disparage the relationship or trivialize young love but.... A lot will happen and change in your life.

I'm sure most people equate you together. but you are your own person. so many things will change for you. As an adult I see now why so many parents worry about such a serious relationship at such a young age.

you will always love each other. i think of my hs bfs and i just love them but believe it ir not, like a sibling.... I'm 30 years out of hs almost, so there's that... but listen, your life is just starting.

be thankful that he is giving you space. 7 years is a long time and you can be proud of that. but you'll get thru this and i hate to say it sucks every time... long relationship, short relationship, dumper, dumpee.... its hard and it hurts both people. no doubt about it.

chin up!

I would say it's actually good that he's not contacted you, as if he did you would get your hopes up.

It's totally normal to feel this way. I've been on both ends of this -- currently in your position. LD can be just brutal on a relationship especially long term though.

1. You're building up a fantasy of the person on the other end -- it's hard not to. So once reality hits the few times you see each other it can be disappointing. You're also essentially have to re-establish that initial connection OVER AND OVER.

2. His reason for leaving is valid - actually all reasons are valid. Even if they are objectively dumb as hell. But him saying - I can't do this anymore -- I can sympathize with because LD is exhausting. Anytime I've done LD - there have been CONCRETE plans to get the relationship together and within less than a year.

3. He didn't throw you away. You have absolutely NO idea what he's feeling. I've been on the other end twice(the breakup-er) and I did grieve ending the relationships. But NC is absolutely critical or you just keep falling into the same patterns. So there are one of two things happening: He does likely grieve the relationship but is ready to move forward. He needs to cut off contact to do that. He can't console you and the part that still cares for you wants to. You're hurting. he loved you, and he wants to do that. But he is absolutely the LAST person that should/can do that. he probably knows you're not ok. but there is nothing to be done for it. you are going to grieve. i recommend going out with friends or even therapy.

Or the 2nd thing is - He doesn't care at all. Literally doesn't and not be harsh - but why would you grieve that person. You were in each other lives for 7.5 years and he up and left and doesn't care. That is a person with emotional problems. And a HUGE MASSIVE AND RIDICULOUS red flag. The optimist and romantic in me feels it's the former. He's practicing good self control and trying to give you and HIM space so you can both learn not lean on eachother. In time you won't need him. Maybe you can reach out eventually and be friends. Maybe you'll just touch base see how eachother are and move on. But right now you need to cut him out completely. No talking, no reminders, move pictures and mementos to a place you can't see(i wouldn't delete them or toss them -- you will be happy to have them later once you feel better). and just start setting limits on your grieving. it sucks. im going through this right now and it hurts. but it will get better.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I have been really struggling. Yesterday I went to the train station to take my life. I made it on to the platform but ended up having a panic attack and was approached by two kind strangers. They talked me down and helped me try to breathe. They eventually encouraged me to go to the local A&E department and walked me there. They waited with my until I could be seen by a nurse who assessed me. I then waited a couple hours alone in the busy waiting room (honestly that was awful) to talk to a mental health nurse. I talked to him for a couple of hours and he was reassuring and helpful. I then walked back home and called my sister to let her know what I'd done. She was very upset and called my dad, who then drove 2 hours in the night to come and get me (I am in my final term at uni) and come back to his house. I am in a really bad place and I feel like I have messed up my chances of getting my degree. I don't know how to go on feeling so worthless and insignificant. I just don't know what to do

Reality is if your X was contacting you every day it was because he was already over you. Since he hasnt contacted you, it means he had to leave you so he could heal. And as someone else said, the reality is that you just dont forget 7.5 years of memories over night, it takes time so yes, your X still thinks about you, most likely misses you and wants to reach out, but he has to move on and he is being strong for himself.

What you are feeling is normal. Lots of people begin to build that wall and question if it really meant anything, did he really love you, was it all real, was he lying and every other question you asked with that topic. Again, truth is yes, the love was real, you meant something but what you take out of this that you had 7.5 wonderful years and he became a part of you as much as you became a part of him. He helped you be who you are and you helped him who he is. I know that doesnt help you in your pain but breaks ups do suck and it is a huge mindset. I know you have 2394595 questions for him but no matter what you asked the truth is that he didnt want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

This doesnt mean its over forever, its just over for now. I dont want to give you false hope, but who knows, if you two were meant to be then it will be. He might have to date other women and you will have to date other guys. He is going to meet other girls, kiss, have sex, fall in love with someone else and you have to know that will happen. At the same time, you will meet someone else too. I know you are thinking as you read this.. that there is NO WAY you could even think about being with someone else. But in time, once you start healing you will date.

Just know in the long run you are going to be okay. But for now, its over. As he is purging you from his life, you must do the same. Unfollow on all social media, box up anything he ever gave you and put that box away or throw it out. Let the relationship go. And a pro-tip here.. just because you let someone go, doesnt mean you let go forever, just for now. You are going to be okay. I promise you

OP, you need to be under the close care of a good mental health provider now.

I am sorry you're struggling this much and feeling so distressed. But this is very much a cry for help; please let those closest to you love you now. You will get back on track again, but for now, you need to look out for your well-being.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you getting further professional help? I'm glad your family are aware of how much you're struggling. The uni may have things in place to support you. Please remember you have people that love you and would be devastated if anything happened to you.

paperbacks, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. Your post about yesterday made me weep.

Please hang in there. Yes, it's very tough, but you are loved by your family, and everyone here wants good things for you.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I have been really struggling. Yesterday I went to the train station to take my life. I made it on to the platform but ended up having a panic attack and was approached by two kind strangers. They talked me down and helped me try to breathe. They eventually encouraged me to go to the local A&E department and walked me there. They waited with my until I could be seen by a nurse who assessed me. I then waited a couple hours alone in the busy waiting room (honestly that was awful) to talk to a mental health nurse. I talked to him for a couple of hours and he was reassuring and helpful. I then walked back home and called my sister to let her know what I'd done. She was very upset and called my dad, who then drove 2 hours in the night to come and get me (I am in my final term at uni) and come back to his house. I am in a really bad place and I feel like I have messed up my chances of getting my degree. I don't know how to go on feeling so worthless and insignificant. I just don't know what to do

Paperbacks,

Please let us know you are okay. All of us on here have been where you are and we have made it through the toughest times. This is the time you are going through right now. You will be okay and better, please trust me.

You are wonderful and life is worth living. You have family that loves you and despite how you feel right now you are lovable. This is one person that is making you feel this way. Just one. One person's choice to not be with you right now. This should not steer your life. There are a ton of people that love you and want to be around you. Do not let your depressive thoughts spiral out of control. Do not feed into these depressive thoughts. We are capable of convincing ourselves of anything while we are down and depressed, but snap yourself out of these thoughts immediately. Know that you are being silly and you will come out of this stronger for having gone through it.

Please post or reach out via PM as often as you need. We are all here for you.

Mitch

Thank you to everyone who has shown me support since I posted about what happened on Sunday. I'm still feeling very fragile and worthless at the moment. I'm not really sure what's happening from here on in, the mental health nurse who talked to me at A&E said he was going to get in contact with the lady who manages mental health support for students at my university so I guess I've just got to wait until she contacts me. I've talked to my tutor and he says I can apply for special considerations when handing in my final project, which will basically mean that when it's marked, if it's a lower mark than what my tutors would expect me to get, they will basically discount it and it won't be counted in the calculation of my final degree mark. I feel like a failure for getting this kind of special treatment and I think I'm just pathetic for not being able to just get on with my life like everyone else. I want nothing else than to be able to cope like other people can but right now I'm struggling to do even the simplest things and it's really affecting me in a bad way

paperbacks, you are not pathetic. Everyone here understands and empathises. I was ditched by my fiancee of eight years two months ago - I have not been coping and have had the occasional suicidal thought also. What you and I and plenty others are experiencing is horrific, but it is also normal. Remember that: what you're feeling is normal for this scenario. You've been badly wounded - no one is expecting you to get off the canvas in a hurry. You need time for yourself. Everyone who cares for you will understand this. As for coping 'like everyone else' you'd be amazed at how many millions of people are in the same agony as you and plenty of us here are going through - people you'd pass on the street who seem perfectly fine but are suffering hell inside. Please hang on. Do not beat yourself up. You are as worthwhile and lovable as anyone else on the planet.

I just wanted to reach out and add my support to your thread. You are no way pathetic. I've been 'there' myself and thankfully I'm still here*

I don't think any of us want to die, we just want the pain to stop. And when the pain outweighs our coping strategies, that is when we stand on the edge.

Some things that have helped me are videos by Teal Swan, Alan Robarge, Big Noknow, The Healing Heart and Douglas Bloch.

Especially this one by Teal ~ https://youtu.be/lXi7vcnvl5c

Hang in there ok. Please post here as we are all worried about you...and most of us can relate to what you are going through.

It's rough but break it down and do what you can to get through the next day, the next hour, the next 5 minutes..

Love and Light

Carus*

Find sometime to yourself and get to know what your worth is. Your self worth has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. This is a great, great opportunity for you to grow at such a young age. Everything that happens is the best possible thing that can happen. That sounds crazy, but it's true.

Be strong and you'll be great!

Thank you to everyone who has shown me support since I posted about what happened on Sunday. I'm still feeling very fragile and worthless at the moment. I'm not really sure what's happening from here on in, the mental health nurse who talked to me at A&E said he was going to get in contact with the lady who manages mental health support for students at my university so I guess I've just got to wait until she contacts me. I've talked to my tutor and he says I can apply for special considerations when handing in my final project, which will basically mean that when it's marked, if it's a lower mark than what my tutors would expect me to get, they will basically discount it and it won't be counted in the calculation of my final degree mark. I feel like a failure for getting this kind of special treatment and I think I'm just pathetic for not being able to just get on with my life like everyone else. I want nothing else than to be able to cope like other people can but right now I'm struggling to do even the simplest things and it's really affecting me in a bad way

Paperbacks,

Please do not compare yourself to anyone else, we all heal in our own way and our own time frame. We are just merely pointing out that this is very normal to feeling this way right now. You have experienced a big loss and coping with this and everyday life can seem overwhelming. Just take it easy on yourself right now.

We are here for you.

Mitch

The issue with this is that he couldn't really explain why, he just said he couldn't do it anymore. He's left me with no explanation, no closure, and now I'm just left with silence. He expressed that it wasn't me (I know people say that's a line but I honestly believe him) and I know that I hadn't done anything to make him leave me like this. Sure I'm not perfect, but no-one is. I thought we could work on our problems, and I was planning to move to be with him in a couple of months' time so I thought that would have made things easier, and yet he just disappeared. When he left he said he couldn't imagine not having me in his life, and I said that it didn't have to be so 'black and white' about us not talking ever again, so I honestly believed he would still maybe want to see how I was after knowingly hurting me like this. I just can't cope without an explanation, it makes me feel like I'm disposable and worthless, and like I'm just okay with this kind of treatment.

No, just NO. Never use another human being, especially an SO, for validation of your worthiness and love ability. You are valued with or without this character in your life.

I understand it's hard when you are with someone for such a long time... it does get better if you persevere, and at the end of the day it's over, and getting "closure" won't change the feelings around that.

I understand that he doesn't have any responsibility for contacting me, but he is a human being and so I thought he might at least have some compassion. We were together from the age of 14 and grew up together, and it basically feels like it counted for nothing now that he's just thrown me away.

If you want to be happy in a relationship, be a fulfilled, high value and confident woman. Just because he isn't contacting you doesn't mean he isn't human and doesn't have compassion... he is dealing with his own feelings around the situation, and his are just as important as yours. Allow him the space he needs to move on and eventually, if you are working on yourself, there may come a time when you can be friends with him again.

I would venture a guess and say most of us here have gone thru what you are feeling now. See if any of these ring a bell.

Time doesnt move fast enough, no energy to do anything, constantly thinking of your X, having imaginary conversations, our esteem is in the toilet, our Egos take a huge hit, feeling unworthy, unwanted, no energy to start over or start your day, dont eat, dont sleep, just want to shut out the rest of the world.

Breakups suck. No polite way to say it. But you will get thru it. Just think how many people just had their heart broken today? Think of how many songs, poems, stories, movies, plays, books are written about love and heartbreak. And yet, we survive and thrive and continue on to find new loves. This is what you will do. Once you admit that it is over, your X is not coming back, you can begin to heal. There doesnt have to be a valid reason because there is no reason good enough. You just have to say it didnt work out. No blame, no guilt, no pointing fingers, no going back to the past to look for that turning point. It simply didnt work out.

But now you have room in your heart and in your life for someone better and yes, you are going to find someone better. You might think Im crazy because you are thinking you cant see yourself with anyone else, but its going to happen. You will find someone who loves you and you will love. So cry if you must, but know you will be okay. I would suggest some counseling, this will do you a world of good.