Been seeing ex regularly. How to turn it back into a committed relationship?

My ex broke up with me two months ago. At first there was no contact, now we see eachother about once a week.

She broke up with me because she suffers from poor self image and depression after being cheated on by her former partner, and raised by emotionally neglectful parents. She feels she is also selfish and emotionally neglectful, and that she's doing best by letting me go. She believed that she made me unhappy, and that I was better off finding someone better. No amount of discussion, demonstrating how I want to be with her, supporting her through her own struggles etc. would convince her of otherwise.

When we get together it's like we were never apart. Everything feels good and right, as though nothing has changed. We both have a great time. After every time we see eachother I tell her how happy the time spent made me.

I know if I bring up the topic of getting back together she would just use these beliefs about herself as justifications as to why we can't be together.

I want more than anything to be with her. How do I move back into a relationship from just hanging out? I don't want to stay in this limbo longer, or waste my time giving myself to someone who will never want me for more, but I know if I push it, she will say no, citing the same reasons why she broke it off, and that will be it. What's the best approach to get back into a relationship from regularly hanging out?

Obviously she wouldn't get together with me, even initiate it herself unless she had feelings for me, and wanted to spend time with me. On one of our hangouts we even had dinner and hung out with some of her friends.

My ex broke up with me two months ago. At first there was no contact, now we see eachother about once a week.

She broke up with me because she suffers from poor self image and depression after being cheated on by her former partner, and raised by emotionally neglectful parents. She feels she is also selfish and emotionally neglectful, and that she's doing best by letting me go. She believed that she made me unhappy, and that I was better off finding someone better. No amount of discussion, demonstrating how I want to be with her, supporting her through her own struggles etc. would convince her of otherwise.

When we get together it's like we were never apart. Everything feels good and right, as though nothing has changed. We both have a great time. After every time we see eachother I tell her how happy the time spent made me.

I know if I bring up the topic of getting back together she would just use these beliefs about herself as justifications as to why we can't be together.

I want more than anything to be with her. How do I move back into a relationship from just hanging out? I don't want to stay in this limbo longer, or waste my time giving myself to someone who will never want me for more, but I know if I push it, she will say no, citing the same reasons why she broke it off, and that will be it. What's the best approach to get back into a relationship from regularly hanging out?

Obviously she wouldn't get together with me, even initiate it herself unless she had feelings for me, and wanted to spend time with me. On one of our hangouts we even had dinner and hung out with some of her friends.

well, most of the guys i know would be happy to be in your situation; hooking up, having great times and no commitment sounds not so bad uh

jk

My 2 cent, and what is taught in the best relationship publications i've read is that commitment must be the idea of the woman. Always. Bounding, relationship is feminine energy. You should never bring up that topic but embrace it if only she suggests it. You cannot force someone into a committed relationship and she obviously isn't in the mood for that. If she was, she would already have raised the subject.

You can only hang out, hook up and have fun for now, and recreate attraction and feelings. When she will feel comfortable again in the relationship she will come to you with the discussion.

Look man, you need to stop your hangouts. Cold turkey cut the . No matter which way you want to look at this.

A.) WIN HER BACK: If you want to get her back, just tell her "look I am not interested in games, if you are ready to commit, give me a call." You need to be a man and stand up for yourself in this matter. Be willing to walk away if she doesn't want to commit.

B.) My personal favorite, walk away from her and don't look back brother. Cry it out, punch a bag, do what you have to do but face the emotions and be done with it. The problems is, you are trying to fix her or "help her realize" blah blah. That isn't how it works man. She has to learn this on her own. She has to give herself power, love, and happiness before she can give it to anybody else and remember "you are in a relationship to give."

Good luck buddy!

Look man, you need to stop your hangouts. Cold turkey cut the . No matter which way you want to look at this.

A.) WIN HER BACK: If you want to get her back, just tell her "look I am not interested in games, if you are ready to commit, give me a call." You need to be a man and stand up for yourself in this matter. Be willing to walk away if she doesn't want to commit.

B.) My personal favorite, walk away from her and don't look back brother. Cry it out, punch a bag, do what you have to do but face the emotions and be done with it. The problems is, you are trying to fix her or "help her realize" blah blah. That isn't how it works man. She has to learn this on her own. She has to give herself power, love, and happiness before she can give it to anybody else and remember "you are in a relationship to give."

 

Good luck buddy!

you cannot force someone into a relationship

ultimatums never work

You can rationalize and try to twist her arm as much as you want at the end of the day only bonding and attraction matter

Being in a committed relationship raises up her fear of abandonment and her fear of failure. You want something that is beyond her capacity to offer. Accept the current situation as is and enjoy it. You don't need a future vision to make these moments worthwhile. Or, accept that you want that future, and find someone who can offer it.

Acceptance is your lesson here.

My 2 cent, and what is taught in the best relationship publications i've read is that commitment must be the idea of the woman. Always. Bounding, relationship is feminine energy. You should never bring up that topic but embrace it if only she suggests it.

See in any publication I read, they always say that women need to sit back and let the man lead the way... interesting ... lol

My ex broke up with me two months ago. At first there was no contact, now we see eachother about once a week.

She broke up with me because she suffers from poor self image and depression after being cheated on by her former partner, and raised by emotionally neglectful parents. She feels she is also selfish and emotionally neglectful, and that she's doing best by letting me go. She believed that she made me unhappy, and that I was better off finding someone better. No amount of discussion, demonstrating how I want to be with her, supporting her through her own struggles etc. would convince her of otherwise.

When we get together it's like we were never apart. Everything feels good and right, as though nothing has changed. We both have a great time. After every time we see eachother I tell her how happy the time spent made me.

I know if I bring up the topic of getting back together she would just use these beliefs about herself as justifications as to why we can't be together.

I want more than anything to be with her. How do I move back into a relationship from just hanging out? I don't want to stay in this limbo longer, or waste my time giving myself to someone who will never want me for more, but I know if I push it, she will say no, citing the same reasons why she broke it off, and that will be it. What's the best approach to get back into a relationship from regularly hanging out?

Obviously she wouldn't get together with me, even initiate it herself unless she had feelings for me, and wanted to spend time with me. On one of our hangouts we even had dinner and hung out with some of her friends.

How long were you together before you broke up?

Why did she think she made you unhappy? How long were you together?

When someone is trying to convince you that you aren't happy with them (and refuse to believe that you are in fact happy) it's usually the opposite that's true but they don't have the courage to just come out and say they don't really want to be with you. It's hard for many people to hurt their dumpees, so they mask their own feelings by assigning them to you.

The hangouts need to stop. It won't bring you any closer to getting back together if that's not what she really wants. Give yourselves true time and space apart, so she has the clarity to decide if she really wants to stay broken up. She will find a way to let you know if she has a change of heart. You're taking a big risk with your heart otherwise; how will you feel if you continue to meet up thinking it's your way back to her, only to find out she's started seeing someone else, for example?

I would explain to her that although you like seeing her, she broke up with you. If you are broken up, then its best not to see eachother. That way the issues she stated that she has broken the relationship up for can be worked on. you owe it to yourself. And even if she says "but i want to see you" i think you should take a breather from her.

See in any publication I read, they always say that women need to sit back and let the man lead the way... interesting ... lol

Not when a woman dumps a man. The man should have the dignity to stay away from her in most cases and not be strung along. This isn't months later of no contact and "i made a mistake - i want a full relationship with you" This is no strings attached and if she sees another guy that catches her eye she will be gone

I say that these assessments should be genderless.

Honestly...

If someone ever dumps you then strings you along but refuses to give you the relationship you want you only have two options if you want to stay sane...

You either accept the new relationship they have defined...

OR

You end the relationship.

Those are it.

She seems pretty straight forward with all of her boundaries and train of thought.

You either accept what she is offering or move on...

See in any publication I read, they always say that women need to sit back and let the man lead the way... interesting ... lol

It depends if the person who wrote the book is a woman or a man i guess:)

Men are generally not very inclined to exclusivity and commitment so if you wait for him to bring up the discussion you may wait forever

It depends if the person who wrote the book is a woman or a man i guess:)

 

Men are generally not very inclined to exclusivity and commitment so if you wait for him to bring up the discussion you may wait forever

When my ex and I got back together (I had ended it years ago but it really was mostly mutual) I had to wait one month before he brought up getting back together - the third time we saw each other (and the third time like the first two times, were not dates). I am glad he didn't bring it up earlier because I might not have been ready to discuss that so soon - meaning after almost 8 years of very limited contact and then two evenings). The night he brought up the discussion we decided to get back together and we knew we wouldn't see each other for a few weeks because of travel/business. So I am not sure whether on that day or the next time we saw each other we decided to be committed to hopefully things working out this time around, meaning marriage. We were both a little scared of course based on our history and in my opinion it's not about gender. If a person wants to be committed to you she or he will want you to know that ASAP so you don't get snapped up by someone else. And it's even better -which was true in our case-if the couple also generally has the goal of marriage and commitment.

If he hadn't brought it up before we were going to be long distance again it would have been very challenging -I'd been dating other people and having that conversation long distance would have been much harder (his friend suggested waiting longer and I am glad he did not take that advice.). Married 9 years.

Not when a woman dumps a man. The man should have the dignity to stay away from her in most cases and not be strung along. This isn't months later of no contact and "i made a mistake - i want a full relationship with you" This is no strings attached and if she sees another guy that catches her eye she will be gone

i guess you're right; but relationships fail most of the time anyway, and when they do the first person that comes to mind is your ex and you sometime realize he/she wasn't that bad in the end.

I've found out during my past experiences that giving a few months of space sometime make them come back even stronger; they see what is out there and realize the grass isn't that greener

i guess you're right; but relationships fail most of the time anyway, and when they do the first person that comes to mind is your ex and you sometime realize he/she wasn't that bad in the end.

I've found out during my past experiences that giving a few months of space sometime make them come back even stronger; they see what is out there and realize the grass isn't that greener

That was not true in our case at all. In our case, we decided to meet for a friendly catch up dinner. I wasn't thinking of him in those terms either and from all I know, vice versa. I was dating a number of different people and he had recently ended an LTR. At the dinner, we were really surprised that sparks flew. We would have never, ever dated or married based on the standards you wrote. We married because after 8 years apart we were different people who were now compatible and in love. I didn't compare him to my exes in making my decision to be with him. I had a positive mindset about men when I reconnected with him and despite all my years of dating and meeting hundreds of men, I basically always felt positive about men, relationships, commitment with rare exception. You're entitled to your view and I wanted to emphasize what happened with us since it would be a shame if people dated by settling in the way you described.

That was not true in our case at all. In our case, we decided to meet for a friendly catch up dinner. I wasn't thinking of him in those terms either and from all I know, vice versa. I was dating a number of different people and he had recently ended an LTR. At the dinner, we were really surprised that sparks flew. We would have never, ever dated or married based on the standards you wrote. We married because after 8 years apart we were different people who were now compatible and in love. I didn't compare him to my exes in making my decision to be with him. I had a positive mindset about men when I reconnected with him and despite all my years of dating and meeting hundreds of men, I basically always felt positive about men, relationships, commitment with rare exception. You're entitled to your view and I wanted to emphasize what happened with us since it would be a shame if people dated by settling in the way you described.

well the subject of this thread is a guy who dumped his girlfriend 2 months ago, regretted and got rejected trying to get her back; i don't see how this relates to your story where you guys have been apart for more than 8 years

When a break up is recent, many LTR couples get back together after failed rebounds / relationships

well the subject of this thread is a guy who dumped his girlfriend 2 months ago, regretted and got rejected trying to get her back; i don't see how this relates to your story where you guys have been apart for more than 8 years

 

When a break up is recent, many LTR couples get back together after failed rebounds / relationships

And how does it relate to your negative generalizations about relationships?

And how does it relate to your negative generalizations about relationships?

when i say "relationships fail most of the time anyway" or that "men don't like commitments" that's not being negative. that's being realistic, and it doesn't mean you should assume that every relationship is doomed

You can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of reality

when i say "relationships fail most of the time anyway" or that "men don't like commitments" that's not being negative. that's being realistic, and it doesn't mean you should assume that every relationship is doomed

You can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of reality

And in my opinion that’s not reality - that’s your perception and it’s a negative one

I would explain to her that although you like seeing her, she broke up with you. If you are broken up, then its best not to see eachother. That way the issues she stated that she has broken the relationship up for can be worked on. you owe it to yourself. And even if she says "but i want to see you" i think you should take a breather from her.

I want to also add -- that the only time you see her again is if she sends you a note saying "i made a huge mistake. I am ready for a relationship". Not "wotcha doin?" "i need someone to go to a movie with me"