I dumped her, want her back, she acted interested but doesn't want it?

I was in a relationship with a woman for 4 months, and it was good, we liked each other a lot and some great times. However, she started nagging, complaining and being moody, which slowly lowered my attraction, it was annoying me and stressing me to the point I thought I would be better on my own or finding someone else. So I broke up with her.

For the next 6 weeks she continued trying to persuade me to change my mind and give it another chance. Which probably pushed me away even more.

Eventually she said she was giving up and going back to online dating.

I never stopped thinking about her, but convinced myself that I had done the right thing and the reasons I broke up were valid and would still exist.

After 2 months of not hearing from her, about 3 months after the breakup, I was thinking about her more and more, was really missing her. The urge to do something was getting stronger. I then started to wonder if I had been a little harsh and intolerant breaking up with her, maybe I could have tried harder, and started to see how much I will have hurt her. I could see what I could have done differently and was now feeling I really wanted to get her back and needed to do something before it was too late.

I had deleted her number, so I wrote a heartfelt letter apologising for my mistakes, saying I understand how much I have hurt her, and that I was wrong and selfish. That I would like to try harder to make things work. I also understood if she had already moved on and wished her well.

I expected to hear something, whether it was "No, I'm not interested anymore", "I have met someone else" or "Yes, I'd love to".

However a few tense days went by and I heard nothing.

So I jumped in my car, got some flowers and drove 2 hours to knock on her door.

I had no idea what to expect, sometimes she works, so might not even be in, if she was in I didn't know if she would want to speak to me.

I knocked on her door with the flowers and she was in, she seemed pleased to see me and gave me a hug. She got changed and we went out close by for a couple of drinks.

We had a great night, we talked about everything, and about what would need to change in the future. She talked about the future but would also keep stopping herself and saying she needs to think though. She said she did get my letter and was going to respond, but was just thinking.

I asked her if she was seeing anyone, she said "no", "just chatting to someone", she said the had been on 1 date but emphasised they were just chatting. She seemed to really play it down.

She was being affectionate towards me, she had her hand on my knee and was rubbing my leg sometimes, other times she was holding my hand and stroking my hand.

She was acting and talking like she was my girlfriend again.

I dropped her back home and said I would give her time to think. I was going to take her number again but she said she would text me.

It felt awesome, I left on top of the world, driving home thinking it couldn't have gone better, I got my girl back.

I woke up the next morning feeling on top of the world, then I got a text (which she sent from her housemates phone, so I still wouldn't have her number):

"Thanks for coming yesterday, I have met someone recently and trying to see if we can have a relationship. I don't want to waste your time so it's best to wish you the best in the future"

I was shocked, gutted and crushed. I thought we were back together and then this.

I responded that I understand, I hope she is happy, I won't contact her again and to get in touch if she changes her mind.

This was a few days ago and I am so confused and now have so many questions, but I am trying not to contact her.

Why was she being so affectionate towards me that night, touching me, acting and talking like my girlfriend, talking about the future?

What changed between going to bed that night and waking up the next morning?

Why did she play down the new guy and emphasise she was not seeing anyone, just chatting, and now was seeing if they can have a relationship?

Only a few weeks ago she was pleading with me for another chance, why would she not want to try and make it work now, only a few weeks later?

How could she possible choose a guy she has been on 1 date with over me with 4 months of history and memories, who she really liked?

"So I jumped in my car, got some flowers and drove 2 hours to knock on her door"

bad way to go dude; you can think of yourself lucky. I did that 2 times in my life and i guess you already know what happened... a guy opened the door

no need to tell you how bad was the trauma

"Why was she being so affectionate towards me that night, touching me, acting and talking like my girlfriend, talking about the future?

What changed between going to bed that night and waking up the next morning?"

because she is a human being; she somehow moved on and met someone else but still have attachment and feelings for you; it's never black or white

"How could she possible choose a guy she has been on 1 date with over me with 4 months of history and memories, who she really liked?"

I bet i wasn't 1 date. She told you that to not hurt your feelings, but this guy probably was one of her male orbiters in the background for a very long time

You dumped her so she gave him a shot and now is unwilling to turn him away. She thinks you may end up breaking up again anyway and that this guy is nice after all.

Most new relationships are sexy and exciting; the old boyfriend often doesn't look good in these circumstances.

I got myself dumped after 2 years and replaced in a matter of weeks / days by another guy. That's how it goes

A bit like me, you gave up on her and let her go; now you can only wait and see if it works out or not with this new guy and see if she ever gets back to you

Thanks cedricz and SweetGirl28 for your input.

The way she was with me the other night was just like we were back together, it wasn't just simple touching, it was very affectionate touching, constantly hold of my hand and stroking my hand.

I am pretty sure she was telling the truth about it just been 1 date with this guy. The rest is just lots of chatting everyday on Whattsapp.

After 3 months apart I still feel a bond to her. I can't imagine she has formed any bond to the new guy yet. So to me it seems she would surely have more of a bond and memories with me that would make it hard to walk away from. Why would she be unwilling to turn the new guy away but is willing to turn me away?

I haven't hurt her anymore in the past few weeks and a few weeks ago she was pleading with me to give her another chance, she was still hurt the same then, so now it's on the table, I just can't see how that is not the preferred option.

I also tried to assure her that I can see how I should have handled things differently, so there is no risk of the same thing happening again, that I never want to put her in that situation again.

I am trying my hardest to resist the urge to contact her right now, I am dying to ask her the questions in my original post.

Yeah, that is pretty much what I have said. I know I've said everything I can possibly say already. I am just dying to understand everything and make sense of it all, but I know to do nothing more is the right thing to do.

That's why I posted here instead.

I can only hope it doesn't work out with this new guy and then she gets in touch.

Yeah Thanks! I'm glad I at least did something to let her know how I feel, rather than just thinking about her and wondering.

I am still hopeful that she maybe made a quick decision, and was possibly influenced by friends too, but that eventually she will realise and get in touch.

I know I shouldn't pin my hopes on it though and need to move forward too.

If you cared enough about her when the problems were happening, you would've waited to see if communicating resulted in positive changes. Once alone and lonely, maybe you tricked yourself into thinking your feelings had been more. Now, she's a challenge, so she's even more appealing than ever.

You can justify all you want, for what you think she should be thinking or feeling, but you're not her. She was surprised at the visit, and allowed herself to get caught up in the moment. Upon reflection after the meet up, and perhaps getting advice from girlfriends, she made her decision.

It was probably for the best, as on-again, off-again relationships rarely work. When two people care enough, they work on their problems and pull out all of the stops before seeing results or calling it quits when they have to admit to incompatibility.

It unethical to speak to a taken woman romantically. Move on and mourn the end. She's not the only cute woman in the world.

"However, she started nagging, complaining and being moody,"

Why would you want to return to this? She has not turned into a different person. And, find someone local.

If you cared enough about her when the problems were happening, you would've waited to see if communicating resulted in positive changes. Once alone and lonely, maybe you tricked yourself into thinking your feelings had been more. Now, she's a challenge, so she's even more appealing than ever.

 

You can justify all you want, for what you think she should be thinking or feeling, but you're not her. She was surprised at the visit, and allowed herself to get caught up in the moment. Upon reflection after the meet up, and perhaps getting advice from girlfriends, she made her decision.

 

It was probably for the best, as on-again, off-again relationships rarely work. When two people care enough, they work on their problems and pull out all of the stops before seeing results or calling it quits when they have to admit to incompatibility.

 

It unethical to speak to a taken woman romantically. Move on and mourn the end. She's not the only cute woman in the world.

This is what I realised during the 3 months apart, that I should have tried harder to communicate rather than just walk away. I had got myself into a mindset of walking away from anything that wasn't pleasing me. I realise that an on-off relationship is not good for either of us, and again that was part of my letter and what I said to her the other night we were together, that there would be no more on again off again, and I would be more committed to working things out and solving problems. I have got myself into a different mindset now, and realise I could have handled things differently.

"However, she started nagging, complaining and being moody,"

Why would you want to return to this? She has not turned into a different person. And, find someone local.

Yes I know what you mean. I thought this myself at the time and for a couple of months after, this is exactly what I kept telling myself. Now time has passed and I have had time to think though, I feel I could have handled the nagging and complaining better, and in a different way. Some of it was due to her insecurities and neediness, but I could have dealt with it in a more loving way, rather than rejecting her.

I am a woman that had this happen a few times (with different guys). Once someone has hurt me and/or shown their true colors, all the magic wears off very quickly. We all know that the past is the best predictor of future behavior. Someone that walks away and doesn't have communication skills to resolve things without breaking it off is not someone I am going to invest my feelings and time in again. However, I have to say that it's not even that I am fighting "feelings" in making that decision and it's not even hard. I have just moved on and the guy faded and is now just like any other guy I am just not that into. Women can tolerate a lot but can also move on in a heartbeat. You just sound like someone that wants what he can't have. As for why she was touching you and being nice to you? She is likely a people pleaser and didn't want to hurt your feelings. You also didn't leave her much of choice given that you came to her house uninvited. I would actually feel bad to just shut the door after someone has driven all that way so I would do exactly what she did.

I was in a relationship with a woman for 4 months, and it was good, we liked each other a lot and some great times. However, she started nagging, complaining and being moody, which slowly lowered my attraction, it was annoying me and stressing me to the point I thought I would be better on my own or finding someone else. So I broke up with her

~ Look at reality. Look back at YOUR reason's for backing out.

You are just missing her now, that's all. It has been a few months.. and that's normal.

As you now remember the 'good times' you had with her....

BUT.. reality is, you broke it off for YOUR own reasons about her.

Read what I highlighted again. That will NOT have changed in the 3 months apart from her. Maybe this IS HER.

So... work on accepting it's done now. She is working on moving on.

And if things fail with this new one- which will have nothing to do with you, then they fail.. for one reason or another.

Relationships can get messy :(. They don't always work.. and it can hurt for a while.

but does not mean it's a good idea to go back to it.. but work on accepting the reality of it.

that things came to an end.. and why.

And this.....

Some of it was due to her insecurities and neediness, but I could have dealt with it in a more loving way, rather than rejecting her.

~Again, something you can't tolerate... after only 4 months.

So.. goes to show that you two are not compatible and she has some issue's going on.

Respect her space and leave her be now.

Maybe she was out for revenge, and wanted to even the score. Just a guess...

After my last break up i started reading a lot and learning about relationship and communication skills as i was sick of screwing up and being miserable every few years, and it totally changed my perception.

Before that i used to see all the testing,bit** ing, nagging as something inevitable and part of the girl's personality. An annoyance i couldn't change and that i would have to cope with. So you simply try to put up with it and ignore the reasons behind it until it becomes unbearable and your attraction goes south

But i later (too late) realized that her attitude was just the result of my failure to make her fulfilled, secure, and happy in the relationship.

Testing is something normal, healthy and a natural part of daily interactions between women and men. They will test your strenght all the time, but the more you will disappoint them the harder they will test you. They most often don’t do on purpose, it is more something subconscient

You shouldn’t see it as an annoyance but something natural that you should embrace and a way to gauge the happiness of your partner

My approach to relationship was selfish; when something would go wrong, i would just back away and avoid having the talks. I used to say that i don’t want to deal with bs and that my life is drama free zone. Of course such behavior works for one year or 2 max and then the girl moves on because it is basically a one way relationship

You must be in a relationships only to give unconditionally regardless of what you get back

Of course some people have bad attitudes, are ill tempered etc… but regardless of their personality, if you make them happy, they won’t challenge you with bad behaviors

During the honey moon period of the relationship, everything flows because people hide who they really are and try to be on their best. After 4 months your girlfriend started to become edgy and bit**y because the honey moon phase faded and that she had expectations that weren’t met.

You are the man and you must lead the relationship; your woman expect you to know what to do to make the relationship succeed. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t anything to do of course, but you get what i’m saying. This is the kind of mindset both must have if you want to make it work

After my last break up i started reading a lot and learning about relationship and communication skills as i was sick of screwing up and being miserable every few years, and it totally changed my perception.

 

Before that i used to see all the testing,bit** ing, nagging as something inevitable and part of the girl's personality. An annoyance i couldn't change and that i would have to cope with. So you simply try to put up with it and ignore the reasons behind it until it becomes unbearable and your attraction goes south

 

But i later (too late) realized that her attitude was just the result of my failure to make her fulfilled, secure, and happy in the relationship.

Testing is something normal, healthy and a natural part of daily interactions between women and men. They will test your strenght all the time, but the more you will disappoint them the harder they will test you. They most often don’t do on purpose, it is more something subconscient

You shouldn’t see it as an annoyance but something natural that you should embrace and a way to gauge the happiness of your partner

 

My approach to relationship was selfish; when something would go wrong, i would just back away and avoid having the talks. I used to say that i don’t want to deal with bs and that my life is drama free zone. Of course such behavior works for one year or 2 max and then the girl moves on because it is basically a one way relationship

 

You must be in a relationships only to give unconditionally regardless of what you get back

 

Of course some people have bad attitudes, are ill tempered etc… but regardless of their personality, if you make them happy, they won’t challenge you with bad behaviors

During the honey moon period of the relationship, everything flows because people hide who they really are and try to be on their best. After 4 months your girlfriend started to become edgy and bit**y because the honey moon phase faded and that she had expectations that weren’t met.

 

You are the man and you must lead the relationship; your woman expect you to know what to do to make the relationship succeed. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t anything to do of course, but you get what i’m saying. This is the kind of mindset both must have if you want to make it work

Cedricz, this is awesome, thank you.

This is just the realisation I have come to myself. I was saying exactly those things, in those exact words "I don't put up with any bs" and "My life is a drama free zone" that is why I broke up.

But now I have realised the way I could handle it, like you said, I have a different mindset now, which is the whole reason I then wanted to get back together and save it.

Just seems I might not get that chance to do it the right way.

How specifically would you deal with the nagging and complaining "in a different way"?

How specifically would you deal with the nagging and complaining "in a different way"?

By searching for the root of the problem, showing that I have heard and understood how she feels and making her feel secure and loved, reassuring her, being a man!

By searching for the root of the problem, showing that I have heard and understood how she feels and making her feel secure and loved, reassuring her, being a man!

How were you dealing with it previously?

And what do you mean by "being a man"?

Do you think doing all that would stop the nagging and complaining? What if she continued?

Are you possibly going through a "dry spell" with women and that's why she suddenly started looking not so bad to you?

How were you dealing with it previously?

 

And what do you mean by "being a man"?

 

Do you think doing all that would stop the nagging and complaining? What if she continued?

 

Are you possibly going through a "dry spell" with women and that's why she suddenly started looking not so bad to you?

Before I was probably just getting irritated, trying to ignore it and pulling away.

Being a man, I mean leading the relationship, being strong, like a rock, making her feel secure and safe.

I have been dating other people, but I can't get her out of my mind and I just can't get into any of the other people, because I don't feel over her.

Before I was probably just getting irritated, trying to ignore it and pulling away.

 

Being a man, I mean leading the relationship, being strong, like a rock, making her feel secure and safe.

 

I have been dating other people, but I can't get her out of my mind and I just can't get into any of the other people, because I don't feel over her.

You got it; i bet you read or watched some Corey Wayne stuff. This guy is really good

We are in the same boat buddy

Women need to feel heard, special and loved

This is rather trivial, but until you REALLY realize it, you are just clueless

You got it; i bet you read or watched some Corey Wayne stuff. This guy is really good

 

We are in the same boat buddy

Women need to feel heard, special and loved

This is rather trivial, but until you don't REALLY realize it, you are just clueless

I've been listening, reading and watching Corey since my divorce 5 years ago. Which again is a reason I thought I should walk away and not look back when she seemed to be causing drama, but now I think I was a little hasty, that's all. I just hope I get another chance!

The stuff about making her feel secure & loved was exactly the stuff I wrote in my letter to her.

Oy vey. Corey Wayne is not the be-all and end-all of relationship expertise. The number of people who blindly follow his "advice" without really applying their own judgment and critical thinking skills is astonishing.

OP, I am not suggesting your ex is perfect. She was clearly on the fence between you and her other option. She went another direction, and despite what you think, you very likely don't know the full extent of her connection to him.

Let this be your confirmation that she is not the woman for you.

Oy vey. Corey Wayne is not the be-all and end-all of relationship expertise. The number of people who blindly follow his "advice" without really applying their own judgment and critical thinking skills is astonishing.

 

OP, I am not suggesting your ex is perfect. She was clearly on the fence between you and her other option. She went another direction, and despite what you think, you very likely don't know the full extent of her connection to him.

 

Let this be your confirmation that she is not the woman for you.

Agreed, but there is a lot of common sense in what he preaches and many people seem to find it helpful; his coaching stretches far beyond relationships

It is mostly aimed at a masculine audience, this is why you may not agree with what he says;)

Of course, every relationship and every person is different and you must make your own decisions

Which again is a reason I thought I should walk away and not look back when she seemed to be causing drama, but now I think I was a little hasty!

Soft nexting your girlfriend when she is bit**y is not what he teaches

Quite the opposite actually; you shouldn't leave the room until you've identified and talked about the reasons triggering her bad behavior

Only if she is unwilling to have a rational adult talk should you tell her to call you back when she is sweet and willing to communicate

Soft nexting your girlfriend when she is bit**y is not what he teaches

 

Quite the opposite actually; you shouldn't leave the room until you've identified and talked about the reasons triggering her bad behavior

Only if she is unwilling to have a rational adult talk should you tell her to call you back when she is sweet and willing to communicate

I know, I realise I made a mistake, I walked away too soon. That is why I want another chance to do it right!

Is there some way I can direct message you Cedricz?

Oy vey. Corey Wayne is not the be-all and end-all of relationship expertise. The number of people who blindly follow his "advice" without really applying their own judgment and critical thinking skills is astonishing.

 

OP, I am not suggesting your ex is perfect. She was clearly on the fence between you and her other option. She went another direction, and despite what you think, you very likely don't know the full extent of her connection to him.

 

Let this be your confirmation that she is not the woman for you.

How could she have a connection after 1 date. We dated for 4 months, went for weekends away together, all sorts, surely that connection is stronger?

She is the woman for me, I just made a mistake!