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Thread: 12 year relationship has ended

  1. #1
    sielene's Avatar
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    12 year relationship has ended

    I am trying my best to handle this, but the pain is unbelievable. I was with my boyfriend for 12 years. We met when I was 18, am now 30. He asked me to marry him last year in August. We were 5 months away from the wedding when he walked away without a reason. Unfortunately, it gets worse. I was my grandmother's care-taker for the last 2 years. She was like a second mother to me, so I was happy to be with her every day in the morning and afternoons to take care of her. She slipped into a coma and passed away April 15th. On April 16th, my fiancé decided to leave me. He packed his clothes and left.

    So, on top of dealing with the end of 12 year relationship, I am grieving for my grandmother, and I have to undo all of the wedding plans that we had made over the past several months. My family helped me pack up all of his things a week after he left. He claimed them with friends the week after. Now, I am alone in our apartment, an apartment that I can't afford, with our two cats. I am left with a thousand questions and no answers. I don't know what happened, or why. We were happy, so I thought, and now I am devastated.

    My mom, thank God for her, has stepped in to help me with my rent until I can figure out a way to afford this place or move. The thought of having to move on top of everything else was just too much. I need to find a way to make another $200 a month to make ends meet so that I can stay here. The difficulty is, he was the bread winner. I have a full-time job where I work from home (customer support for a MMO's). I transitioned from a higher-paying job to this one because we were getting ready to start a family. At this point, I have no choice but to stay in my current position because my car is on its way out, and I don't have a way to get another one right now. We were putting money into his car, because it was newer, so we let mine go. He left knowing this, knowing that we were co-dependent.

    The stress of this situation and the bottomless pit of grief feels overwhelming. I go through the motions every day, but I cry and I cry. I don't know how to get through all of this at once. I just don't.

    I am sorry if this is sort of jumbled, I am so tired lately.

  2. #2
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    I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, and everything else. Your story is heart breaking.

    I will not say what I think about your ex, as I do not feel it will help the situation.

    I am assuming you are not in the city, or you would not have a need for a car. Can I suggest that you move in with your folks, until you get grounded. I would also consider looking into a new position, so that you can support yourself properly. Perhaps, your parents can help, until you get on your feet.

  3. #3
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    It's interesting that he waited until your grandmother died. As if he thought he was saving you grief from leaving while she was in a coma.

    In any event, usually when a guy walks out like that is because of another woman. He usually won't leave unless he has somebody else to go to. That's another reason why he left you the apartment. He has someplace else to live.

    I'm sorry. Guys can be (fill in the blank). Hopefully, you will be able to recover your life, and be glad you didn't have a baby with him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? What were the arguments about? Money? Quitting your job? Not wanting a big wedding? Family? Starting a family? Nobody just disappears after this long. Where is he now? Are you still in touch?

    Is his name on the lease? If so he's still financially responsible until you replace him with a roommate. He can't just walk away from a financial and legally binding contract. Send him a certified letter to that effect and notify your landlord about all this.

    How long do you have left on the lease? Start looking now for affordable places or moving in with family. Never give up your job or neglect your vehicle. You will always need to support yourself.
    Originally Posted by sielene
    We were 5 months away from the wedding when he walked away without a reason. I need to find a way to make another $200 a month to make ends meet so that I can stay here. The difficulty is, he was the bread winner.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you. I'd contact my local legal aid office to learn my rights and options. I'd allow the practicality of survival to override grief at this moment. There will be plenty of time to grieve and heal after taking care of the practical stuff for the time being. I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this and stabilize my immediate living situation. From there, I'd grieve Grandma but consider where the proposal and wedding have been in the last 12 years with this guy. He may not be worth the tears spent on him now, or he may--but nobody's worth the act of going homeless. Start there.

    Head high, and write more if it helps.

  7. #6
    sielene's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for your ideas and for your support. My mom and I sat down and talked about all my options. Our lease was up may 1st, so he didn't have to worry about breaking the lease. I signed a new year lease, and my mom is going to help me with the rent while I look for some way to make the extra money, or find a new position. When he left, I had $50 to my name, so this has not been an easy transition. I make a decent amount of money for a single person, but I have school loans which of course kill my paycheck.

    With my mom's help, I feel like I can at least breathe for the moment. My cats and I have a place to live for now. That was the scariest part of this, is trying to figure out how to even survive after this. I feel so stupid for trusting someone with my life. It has always been the other way around in our relationship. I always made good money, and he always lost job after job, so I supported him most of our relationship. When marriage was on the table, we wanted a family, so I took the opportunity to work at home, so I could raise our children but still make money to contribute (I didn't want to be a kept woman). He had finally found a job that was stable and that he was good at, so I was comfortable trusting him. I never saw this coming...

    I really don't understand what happened. Before my grandma passed, he broke his leg and was really depressed. He cried almost every day. I spent every day consoling him and helping him through the trauma. He just grew more and more distant and when I asked him why, he just cried more. When he left, all he said was he wasn't happy and he couldn't do this anymore. We have texted back and forth since, and the only thing he has given me is that he was afraid to talk to me about his fears about getting married, about having kids, about having a future, and he thought that if he was afraid to talk to me, then he couldn't be with me...I really don't understand that, as I never wanted to get married, and I really could care less about kids. He wanted marriage and kids and kept pushing for them. If he was afraid, all he had to do was talk to me, like we always do.

    He has nearly died twice due to a chronic condition he has. I have been his nurse through each trauma and have brought him back to life both times. I have also helped myself and nursed myself back to health when I miscarried early in our relationship and required two major surgeries to repair the damage. I also helped him battle his sex/porn addiction. There is nothing that I haven't helped him with, and worked through with him. The thought that he left me because he couldn't talk to me, after all of that? I don't understand this, and it sounds like BS to me. I am starting to think that maybe he never really loved me? Maybe the love I had blinded me to his using me all these years to get through one disaster after another. I can't even count how many times I picked up the pieces of his life and put them back together for him.

    I feel stupid, I feel alone, and I feel like I will never find another person to love again. I am 30 now..and I have no idea who I am. I miss my grandma...she always made things right! I wish I could talk to her about all this, she would know what to say.

  8. #7
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    Oh please don't ever go back to him. He has absolutely NOTHING to offer you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's good news. Can you get a roommate or your old job back now that you don't want to stay at home?
    Originally Posted by sielene
    I signed a new year lease.My cats and I have a place to live for now.

  10. #9
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    Sielene, I am really sorry for your loss and pain. This guy's videos have been helping me lately. Maybe worth a try if you're ever in the mood.

    [Register to see the link]

  11. #10
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    Your stories my is f’in heart breaking. To be honest, he sounds like. psychopath.

    I agree that there may be another woman but don’t even worry about that. Your questions won’t be answered so try to come to grips with that.

    Eventually things will hurt less and one day you’ll have moved on. It won’t be an epiphany, and will take longer than you think. But it should happen as long as you point yourself in the right direction.

    People suck.


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