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So it's over but he wants a mediator?


Lizethramire

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Hello,

 

I don't know how to start this post but I will try to do my best.

 

This Sunday will be our 12th anniversary. Unfortunately things are not going well and divorce was brought up to me on April 17th.

 

We've been fighting non stop for about three weeks now and we don't seem to see eye to eye.

 

It all started 7 years ago when I was cheated on. He used to be 320 pounds and due to medical conditions he was approved for weight loss surgery. I took care of him while he recovered. I remember staying next to him when he got stitches over an ulcer and lost a lot of blood. My prayers were always to bring him back home alive because I didn't know what to do without him.

 

Fast forward 9 months and his behavior changed. He lost weight and looked so much better. Started buying new clothes and his spirits were up.

 

He used to play with a salsa band part time and I my only fear was to get a phone call that he got into a car accident or something. Never in my dreams would I ever thought or lose my sleep over him cheating on me. Never.

 

But it happened, he asked for sometime to think things through and moved out of the apartment for a month. In the meantime, I thought that he was cheating but he made me apologize for even thinking about it. Later, after so many conversations with a pastor he came clean about his cheating.

 

Learning the details of his affair was horrible to me. He apologized and asked me to please take him back. Our daughter was 3 years old.

 

Because of the family we had, because I love him and because I don't have any family in the US, I decided to give him another shot and one of my conditions was that he leave the salsa band because I could no longer trust him outside at night.

 

He tried his best to make it up to me. As things evolved I found out that during one of his outings he took my daughter to meet the other woman and her two kids. I was devastated, went into a panic attack and he had to go pick me up at work because I could not drive in that condition. Later I found out I was pregnant but due to the emotional shock I lost my baby. Still, I decided to continue because it happened before I took him back so I had to move on no matter how painful things were.

 

One of my biggest struggles was to call my daughter by her name because the other woman has her exact same name which is a combination of mine as well. It took me about 8 months to be able to call my daughter by her name without associating it to the affair.

 

Now, almost in my 12th anniversary I see myself on the same spot. After a big argument (because I caught him lying to me while I traveling visiting family overseas) he started sleeping on the couch for two nights in a row, then the next two nights he picked up a fight and said he was going to stay at his dad's home. One night he stayed at a hotel. I never threw him out of the apartment but it was very suspicious. His behavior didn't help either.

 

The following two weekends he left on Friday to go out with friends (I guess) and did not showed up until noon the next day. To date, he still has not come clean about his whereabouts because he doesn't want me to alienate the friend or family member who opened his doors to him while in need.

 

I see him texting a lot through an internet application and a week ago he updated his status with the lyrics of a song that implied that he fell in love out of the sudden. My daughter saw it and showed it to me. She was very mad at him because she can tell that he has not been staying home during Friday nights and the message was just wrong for someone who has been married for so many years. He said it was just the lyrics of a song and that it was not a big deal. I knew he blocked me because I could not see his statis changes but my daughter could.

 

At the beginning of this week my daughter caught him texting another girl on the app and she could see her name and picture. She confronted her dad and he maintained to be talking to his mom instead. I know it is not true.

 

The last couple of days he seemed to be trying to mend things with me but still not coming forward with his whereabouts and just today, after I brought up the messaging again he told me he was just chatting innocently with an ex classmate, but still didn't tell me her name and has not come clean with my daughter about her not being wrong about what she saw.

 

At this point although it pains me, deeply. I know I cannot continue putting up with his ways even if he wants back.

 

To work things out he came back with conditions, he wants to pay music again, not as often as before and wants to do it whether I like it or not because he feels he already paid his dues and feels vindicated for his cheating 7 years ago.

 

Now things are getting though, since we have a daughter he is threatening me with her custody and child support payments. To give you some of my background, I have been in a steady job for the last 9 years. I pay for the health insurance coverage for the whole family and also make about 9K more than him. Although I never thought about spousal support, he told me that I should be careful with that because I make more money than him and things could back fire. I don't know if I am being naive and he just wants to discourage me from even trying.

I do not have any bad records in this country. Not even a parking ticket. He has points on his license and some are due to medication and impulsive behavior.

 

He was unemployed for over a year and a half and I covered for all expenses including his lawyer fees when he got into a 5 car accident while sleep driving. He contributed as much as he could with his earnings from unemployment but it was never enough to maintain a family of 3. I worked non stop to make ends meet and God knows it is true. I did all I could do.

 

Now he is asking to see a mediator to set the records straight for the financial portion for both of us but I don't know if I should go without consulting a lawyer first. Mostly because we have a daughter and her best interest is my priority. At the same time, I don't think it's fair that I have to pay so much while he gets away with it because he doesn't have a steady job and makes less money with no benefits.

 

We used to have a joint account and since he has been going out partying I opened up a separate account on my name so my earnings do not go to support his partying and who knows what else? I paid half the bills for April and since he got paid before me I gave him cash but had him sign a receipt for every payment I gave him for my records in case I have to show to a judge at some point. Unfortunately, there is no legal separation in NJ.

 

What should I expect? Where do I start? What I should or should not say to him until the day I speak to a lawyer comes? If I file first, would that affect the outcome? I tried to fix things up at the beginning begged and cried to get him to stay home and not go elsewhere but after he said he wanted out I set myself up mentally to let go of this relationship and move on. It has taken a lot of rewiring to think and see him in a different way.

Two weeks ago I was a mess. Today I stopped crying and have kept my mind set on leaving the marriage because he doesn't deserve me. He never valued me. And he never will. Any help will be highly appreciated.

 

PS- we do not own a home. We only rent, have belongings purchased over the marriage by the two of us and a 9 year daughter.

 

 

Thank you.

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You need to see an attorney - yourself. Not a mediator that he chooses - to know what your rights are. if you have custody of your daughter even though you make more - if he is self-supporting, he is not going to get spousal support. if he makes $20k and you make $300,000 and he has your daughter part time, it could be a different matter. I would speak to your own attorney - outline that your husband wants to leave - that he cheated on you for several years and the child knows about it and has been introduced to his mistress and that more importantly, he is threatening to take your daughter and try to get spousal support from you. Do not agree to anything -- you need your OWN attorney. A mediator is only valid if you BOTH have attorneys of your own and then you will be seen by a judge. He is suggesting mediator to keep it out of court and thinking you won't fight back. Make copies of your bank statements. And also if he is leaving, after you talk to an attorney, explore the idea of a legal seperation so not a penny you make going forward will go to him.

 

Are you a citizen of the country you live in with him, or if he divorces you, would your resident status be in jeopardy?

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You need to see an attorney - yourself. Not a mediator that he chooses - to know what your rights are. if you have custody of your daughter even though you make more - if he is self-supporting, he is not going to get spousal support. if he makes $20k and you make $300,000 and he has your daughter part time, it could be a different matter. I would speak to your own attorney - outline that your husband wants to leave - that he cheated on you for several years and the child knows about it and has been introduced to his mistress and that more importantly, he is threatening to take your daughter and try to get spousal support from you. Do not agree to anything -- you need your OWN attorney. A mediator is only valid if you BOTH have attorneys of your own and then you will be seen by a judge. He is suggesting mediator to keep it out of court and thinking you won't fight back. Make copies of your bank statements. And also if he is leaving, after you talk to an attorney, explore the idea of a legal seperation so not a penny you make going forward will go to him.

 

Are you a citizen of the country you live in with him, or if he divorces you, would your resident status be in jeopardy?

Hello,

 

Thank you for your response. Yes, I became a US citizen in 2011.

 

I don't know for a fact that he is currently cheating and he continues to deny it.

 

It was 7 years ago that he took my daughter to the beach to introduce her to his mistress. Now she is bigger and he would not get away with it.

 

Currently, we both have custody of the child. He says that he wants to work a 50/50 deal for her custody. I do not think he will spend quality time with her TBH.

 

I don't want her to miss having her dad around but she is not a happy camper around him because if the way he has been behaving.

 

Lately, we communicate mostly via email or text. Mind that we live in the same apartment because we signed the lease and it is up until January. However, he sleeps now in what used to be my daughter's room and she moved to my room in the meantime.

 

Regarding the mediator he told me he found one and wants me to see him/her but I already told him I don't trust anyone he is bringing to me because I no longer trust anything he is doing.

 

Spousal support - well, I think hink he tried to scared me into thinking that if I dared going for it that it might back fire because I make more money than him. Not too much to tell you the truth taking into consideration the fact that I pay about $920 a month for the benefits.

 

He wanted out and accepted it. Now he has sent me texts about working things out but again, I this point I am unsure about his motives and I think he might be trying to have it in writing so it doesn't look like he has left the relationship and that I am the one asking for it. Initially I was against it but after thinking things through it is the best option for myself.

 

I haven't told him that I am seeking a lawyer for consultation because he will put his guard up even more. I feel bad for keeping things like that from him but I don't trust him anymore.

 

Bank account- since I opened my own account he asked me to remove myself from the joint account and so I did last Friday. I do not have access to bank statements anymore.

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You made a mistake with the bank account. You should have made a copy of the bank statement first and made him open his OWN account. That joint account was JOINT MONEY and now it is all his. Any billpaying is tied to it no doubt and he can claim with the checks to prove it that all of the bills have been paid with now HIS solo account all these years. You need a lawyer ASAP - tell the lawyer the mistake you made about that. Strike first. I have a friend who has 50-50 custody but gets her daughter all week long during the school year and the daughter sees dad weekends You don't want 50-50 because she will be forced to alternate weeks during the school year which will be completely unstable for her. Summer might be different.

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I see what you mean.

 

I did not know it could be seen that way but once I told him my direct deposit was going to be deposited into a separate account on my name he got mad at me and kept pushing to have me removed from the joint account because he didn't want me to see what his expenses were while he could not see mine.

 

Does a history of direct deposits from my employer help?

 

I could not continue seeing him paying for all of his stuff on my expense. It is money that I need to pay bills and move on.

 

I do not want 50/50.0I read about the weekly arrangements and I don't want my daughter to have to go through that. It is not fair to her and to me to miss out on my time with her because he wants to play daddy and not pay anymore money. I would waive allimony if necessary so she does not have to go through it. Thankfully I have a job. I am always with her and she is very close to me. Mostly now that she sees what is going on.

 

I continue telling her that even though we are not together that our individual love for her doesn't change but I know it has been hard to her.

 

I reached out to my insurance to find her a therapist to help her during the transition.

 

How about if until everything is set up I get money orders to prove my contribution to pay bills? Also, since it was a joint account up until the beginning of this month, I wonder if a lawyer can request bank statements for usage prior to this month?

 

As far as I know, direct payments are no longer coming out of his account anymore.

 

I cannot believe I am going through all of this. That's another reason why I did not file 7 years ago. Thank you for your advice.

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Welcome to ENA,

 

The first thing you need to do is accept that the marriage has been over for years. He doesn't respect or care deeply for you and is only using you for a home base so he can do whatever he wants and you are expected to just tolerate it.

 

Mediation can and does work for many people seeking divorce. It is much less expensive and when there are few assets to split it can make very good sense to go that route. In mediation the two parties make the deal and the mediator assists and makes sure it is legal before it is sent to the court. You are allowed and encouraged to take the final agreement to a lawyer to have it looked over BEFORE you sign it and it is sent to the court for approval. At any time during mediation you can stop and hire a lawyer and you are not bound by anything.

 

In this case he wants to do what is best for him, not you or your child. His threats of spousal support are him trying to bully you into something that he wants. You don't make that much more than he does really so I doubt any court would grant him support. Child custody is the big issue here. This is the most compelling reason to seek legal advice at least up front so you know your rights. There is legal and physical custody to be determined as well as child support. Retirement (social security, 401K ) all need to be considered as well as college for your daughter.

 

Seek out a divorce lawyer and pay for an hour or so to get some good advice and then you can decide what you want to do. Remember knowledge in these types of situations is power. The more you know the less power he has...

 

Keep posting, you will be just fine

 

Lost

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Hi again,

 

I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer next week. We'll see how things will play out.

 

It is sad to see from other people's perspective the truth that I just didn't want to acknowledge for so many years.

 

I have set my mind to think that it is over. For my own sake and for my daughter's sake as well.

 

During the past few days he has been trying to get close to me and in some way (in his head) "fix things" but to date I have not received any apologies for his behavior the last four weeks.

 

At least I am done crying for him. I am not sure if I am just numb or what is going on but I am in a good place right now. The only thing is having to share the apartment with him until the end of the lease. That has been a challenge.

 

Thank you guys for your advise. It has been very helpful.

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Sometimes you just run out of tears.

 

When you are this close to a problem and then add all the fear associated with divorce it is easy to ignore the truth so you can keep the family together. We have all done it so don't beat yourself up about it. The important thing is to see him as he really is and not fall for his lies and manipulations any longer. He will recognize that you are getting your feet back under you and becoming stronger and will not just fold and let him have his way and bully you and then he will turn on the charm to try and fix this since his plan is crumbling, or he will become angry that he isn't getting his way.

 

The new bank account was a good idea but do not use it to hide money, just use it to take care of your child and expenses. If you have joint credit cards, cell phone contract, gym memberships and the like start looking into getting new ones in your name only because you will need to cancel the old cards very soon and you want to make sure you are ready. Keep everything secret and just let him think you are considering taking him back.

 

Chances are custody will be 50/50 unless you make a deal with your future ex. Remember physical custody and legal custody are separate. If you have physical custody but only 50% legal he has the right to make decisions on her upbringing, medical, schooling and on and on. Don't forget to tell him you want to claim your daughter on your taxes every year no matter custody.

 

Lost

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@lost and hurt.

 

Yes, the new bank account is only to pay bills and regular transactions. I am not hiding any money as I am aware that every single thing will be looked at. It was not only to separate my earnings from his, but to stop him from wasting money from the joint account with his outings with friends. It is not fair that I am staying home with my daughter while he spends money out because it is his money as well.

 

I notified him that I updated my information to claim my daughter this month as I never did because he always does it. But since I am paying for all benefits I wanted to at least a little see a little bit more in my paycheck. He also knows that I will be filing my taxes separately this year. He said it was okay "because it will help with his child support payments". IDK if that is true.

 

The only thing he doesn't know is that I am seeking legal advise before going to meet a metiator. I think he is not taking me seriously. If he puts 1/1 together he should think about it. The same way I think he had spoken to a lawyer behind my back.

 

Thank you again for your support. It is very helpful when I second guess myself.

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Child support is not tax deductible so I have no idea what he is talking about.

 

Sit down and write out what you want but keep it secret. On the list rate each item by importance. Act like everything is super important to you but you will know you are willing to give some things up in turn for getting others.

 

Remember this is a future type of negotiation not a right now thing. Short term wins mean nothing 3 years down the road so play the long game.

 

Lost

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  • 3 weeks later...

There are five things at issue in a divorce - custody, parenting time, child support, spousal support, and property division.

 

Custody: joint physical, joint legal is the norm. The only time I’ve seen it otherwise is if one parent abandons, lives outside the country, is in prison, has very little parenting time.

 

Parenting time: give some thought to this one. It doesn’t have to be rotating each week. It could be you have her during school year and he has in summer or for select holidays.

 

Child support: two factors drive this - the number of overnights per year and the income of the parties. If he’s not working, the court will assign an income to him - either minimum wage or what he’s shown he can earn based on past income history. He may push for more overnights in order to reduce his child support obligation. Basically the court can calculate what this number looks like. If you’re on Medicaid, food stamps, or other social support programs, you may be bound to this number. If you’re not on programs, you may be able to deviate but must show a justification. (Example: I pay less than this number, but I’m also the one paying her tuition or day care or car or whatever).

 

Spousal support: Many states are “no fault” for divorce but “fault” for alimony. The fact that he cheated makes him “at fault.” There are more factors than just that to consider - incomes, educations, length of marriage, health and needs of the parties, etc. Spousal support is on the table and if anything it’s him paying you.

 

Property division: it doesn’t really matter whether it was in joint accounts or separate accounts. It was accrued during the marriage it’s marital property and it’s divided 50/50.

 

You need an attorney to represent your interests. Do not allow an attorney that is paid for and hired to represent him to portray himself as a neutral mediator. It is rare that an attorney may “dual represent” two opposing clients; at the end of the day, the attorney represents the client that is paying them. This attorney is paid by your husband and is looking out for your husband’s interests - not yours. Do not go into that “mediation” without your own attorney please!!!

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