Getting her back: should you ever contact the dumper

Long story not so short

We were together for 2 years, she was really into me and pursued me strongly all along the relationship.

She is an extremely stubborn, independent, hard assed, ill tempered girl

I went through the most diffcult times of my life with business and debts this winter and neglected her big time. I couldn't think straight and acted like a selfish jerk only thinking about my problems; i gave up on her and let her go. She left me in november out of disappointment. I tried to get her back in February, but she angrily rejected me as she had moved on with another guy in the meantime. I was psychologically very vulnerable at this particular time because of my life issues and i unfortunately couldn’t help but pursued and acted clingy and needy. I apologized at lenght but she was extremely resentful, revengeful and cruel with me and we parted ways on a heated argument.

I’ll spare you the details, but she took on the opportunity to humiliate me and make me suffer big time.

I still feel crushed by guilt of having screwed up a great relationship; i had many good relationships but we had a very unusual bond and she really hated my guts for having wrecked our story. I clearly failed as a man to take care of her

I haven’t talked to her for 2 months straight now and am still pining badly for her. The other girls i hang with are just mere distractions and do not cut with what we had

I have no idea if she still is with this guy and have no way to find out anyway, but i have the idea of maybe reaching out to see how it goes; if she doesn’t answer i’ll let another 4 months. There is this rebound guy in the way so it is a delicate situation

The rule is to never contact the dumper regardless of the circumstances to create the space for her to reach out, but here, i have the feeling she considers herself as the victim since i pushed her to leave. She acted as the most upset of us two even when she rejected me. I know you do not create attraction by reaching the dumper, and show little self esteem, but since we parted ways on a bad argument, someone has to make the first step if we want to leave the door open. Communication channels eventually need rethread.

I’m not sure if i should just ignore and let her eventually reach out or if i should be the adult in the room and try to chat with her casually and let the past behind. I know her well and she is a stubborn one

Any advice appreciated

The rebound relationship will need to run its course. Then she needs to want to reach out to you. You'll be best suited to just sit tight enjoy life and if she reaches out then don't screwed up again. That is your only course of action at this point if you want a shot.

If it make it feel any better, if she was angry at you after the break up then at least she had some emotions left for your. That's in your favor

It appears that you are going off the NC rule book. . the version that states if you do such in such this might be the outcome.

But if you search further (or read in this forum) there is the healthier theory that NC is a tool one uses to heal and not game plan to get your ex back.

Having said that. . This could go either way and it doesn't seem like you are not willing to let go. If you think you can handle yet another angry rejection, go ahead and contact her and let that be your final answer and work towards putting this behind you once in for all.

As you can see you are somewhat misguided by rule book #1 and are still in a holding pattern trying to calculate some desired outcome. As a result, it may be likely be just time wasted when you could otherwise be that much further along in healing.

So if you think you can reach out and not be crushed by the possibility. .then go ahead.

If you think this will set you back, then pass on it. Use NC as tool to heal yourself and not as some magic potion to get her to run back to you.

It hasn't worked yet, has it?

I don't mean to minimize your feelings.

Breaks up's break us. I am sorry you are going through this and I get that it hurts.

You can mitigate some the pain of you choose to.

Uh, first of all, the No Contact rule is for both people in a relationship. The only way you're going to heal from a break up is not to contact each other. If you keep contacting each other, it just hurts more and more and the wound never heals. So you should not try to contact her. If you were the adult in the room, as you said, you would leave her alone.

You also admit to being caught up in your own drama last winter and neglected her which sort of suggests you're a Narcissist. She couldn't deal with it, so she left. You conveniently waited until after Christmas to try to get back with her and found out she was with another guy. She didn't reject you, she had moved on. You brag about being with other girls, but you still want to contact her again even though you know she is in another relationship. What is wrong with you? I'm sure she's doing her best to forget about you and you want to try to inflict more pain on her. Just move on and leave her alone.

I find that the more the dumpee contacts the dumper, the more unattractive the dumpee gets. From personal experience and from this forum.

I dumped a guy once, the chances of us getting back together were pretty slim, but him calling me in the middle of the night after three months demolished even the slightest chance.

My two cents is, stop hanging out with other girls and focus on yourself (Strict NC goes without saying). One may think that dating others is the fastest way out but it only prolongs your healing; and is unfair to the others.

You've already tried to get back together, apologize, etc, etc, etc. She rejected your attempts and harshly so. Time for you to start working on accepting that it's really over, that she actually meant to dump you and that the new guy is not a rebound. After all, your relationship was on the rocks for months before you broke up and it took you several months to reach out, not that it would have made a difference. My point is that she has had time to actually move on and sounds like she has.

Uh, first of all, the No Contact rule is for both people in a relationship. The only way you're going to heal from a break up is not to contact each other. If you keep contacting each other, it just hurts more and more and the wound never heals. So you should not try to contact her. If you were the adult in the room, as you said, you would leave her alone.

 

You also admit to being caught up in your own drama last winter and neglected her which sort of suggests you're a Narcissist. She couldn't deal with it, so she left. You conveniently waited until after Christmas to try to get back with her and found out she was with another guy. She didn't reject you, she had moved on. You brag about being with other girls, but you still want to contact her again even though you know she is in another relationship. What is wrong with you? I'm sure she's doing her best to forget about you and you want to try to inflict more pain on her. Just move on and leave her alone.

you can see me as a narcissist or maybe someone who got dumped by an uncaring girlfriend at the worst time in his life; i didn't behave accordingly but if your business was failing and you were crumbling under debts, that your girlfriend wouldn't ask you any question in that regard, i'd like to see how you would handle your relationship. No one is superman

I put the blame on myself because i feel that as a man i should have handled everything well, but give me a break, i don't know so many people who could keep their ideas and feelings clear in such time.

I didn't wait "conveniently"; i worked my ass off all through winter to get me out of trouble and be able to clear my debts; when my situation went back under control, i found more time to think and contacted her to apologize

I don't brag about hanging out with other girls; we have been broken up for now 5/6 months, i think i am in my right to move on and look for someone else. She jumped into a new relationship just right after we broke up. The guy was already lined up

you can see me as a narcissist or maybe someone who got dumped by an uncaring girlfriend at the worst time in his life; i didn't behave accordingly but if your business was failing and you were crumbling under debts, that your girlfriend wouldn't ask you any question in that regard, i'd like to see how you would handle your relationship. No one is superman

 

I put the blame on myself because i feel that as a man i should have handled everything well, but give me a break, i don't know so many people who could keep their ideas and feelings clear in such time.

 

I didn't wait "conveniently"; i worked my ass off all through winter to get me out of trouble and be able to clear my debts; when my situation went back under control, i found more time to think and contacted her to apologize

 

I don't brag about hanging out with other girls; we have been broken up for now 5/6 months, i think i am in my right to move on and look for someone else. She jumped into a new relationship just right after we broke up. The guy was already lined up

And if your SO will run when the going gets tough and act like a victim because you can't pay that much attention to them....is that really a good relationship and a person who will make a fit life long partner? What will happen when you have kids and have to deal with that stress plus work plus bills and so on? Being a man doesn't mean being a mule who pulls the whole load. Food for thought here for you.

I find that the more the dumpee contacts the dumper, the more unattractive the dumpee gets. From personal experience and from this forum.

I dumped a guy once, the chances of us getting back together were pretty slim, but him calling me in the middle of the night after three months demolished even the slightest chance.

 

My two cents is, stop hanging out with other girls and focus on yourself (Strict NC goes without saying). One may think that dating others is the fastest way out but it only prolongs your healing; and is unfair to the others.

agree 100% about that

I should stay away from her and let her contact if she ever wants to, but the problem is that we ended on a bad note; not the best conditions to ever talk again

I am a responsible guy and do not want to use women as emotional tampon. I only start dating when i got a significant interest in the person, but well, you never know how your feelings can evolve. I just stopped with a girl i really like; but things just didn't click like with my ex and didn't want to waste her time with me.

I was adamant from the beginning that i wasn't over my ex and she was ok with that; i cannot be more honest than that

Now remaining totally alone doesn't really help my confidence and spirit, i'm 36 now and want to find a good woman to have a family; i don't have time to waste

I thought about getting engaged with this girl, hence the extra hard time to move on now

cedricz, it's not about "being a man", just being male doesn't mean you have to make everything right or you have to be superman; it doesn't mean in any way that you have to do anything. That's a false stereotype you've been carrying probably your whole life. Get rid of it, it's not doing you any good. From what you're describing, I would be upset too if my bf never cared about what I'm going through. I don't know the whole story, but keep in mind that it's a trend lately to call anyone that's caring about their selves a narcissist.

But seriously considered being alone for a period of time to get our thoughts together and heal!

agree 100% about that

 

I should stay away from her and let her contact if she ever wants to, but the problem is that we ended on a bad note; not the best conditions to ever talk again

 

I am a responsible guy and do not want to use women as emotional tampon. I only start dating when i got a significant interest in the person, but well, you never know how your feelings can evolve. I just stopped with a girl i really like; but things just didn't click like with my ex and didn't want to waste her time with me.

I was adamant from the beginning that i wasn't over my ex and she was ok with that; i cannot be more honest than that

 

Now remaining totally alone doesn't really help my confidence and spirit, i'm 36 now and want to find a good woman to have a family; i don't have time to waste

I thought about getting engaged with this girl, hence the extra hard time to move on now

It's good that you were honest with her, but do you think that's sufficient to forming a relationship with a possible future wife? Not being over your ex, I mean? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?Would you consider starting a family with a girl who isn't over her ex?

agree 100% about that

 

I should stay away from her and let her contact if she ever wants to, but the problem is that we ended on a bad note; not the best conditions to ever talk again

 

I am a responsible guy and do not want to use women as emotional tampon. I only start dating when i got a significant interest in the person, but well, you never know how your feelings can evolve. I just stopped with a girl i really like; but things just didn't click like with my ex and didn't want to waste her time with me.

I was adamant from the beginning that i wasn't over my ex and she was ok with that; i cannot be more honest than that

 

Now remaining totally alone doesn't really help my confidence and spirit, i'm 36 now and want to find a good woman to have a family; i don't have time to waste

I thought about getting engaged with this girl, hence the extra hard time to move on now

Ooooohhhh boy.... dude you've got to get rid of this time pressure mentality. Yes, you have plenty of time. You cannot form a healthy relationship with anyone else when you aren't over your ex. Literally no woman will ever live up or feel right until you take some time out and actually get over your ex. Also, no sane healthy person who is actually ready for a relationship will tolerate you not being in a healthy place yourself. The moment you open your mouth or show in some way that you are not over your ex, they'll run for the hills. A case of beware of anyone who actually sticks around. Trust me you don't want that person.

Desperation is not attractive and being in a blind self imposed rush will drive you into some seriously bad relationship decisions that you'll only live to regret and pay for dearly later. Stop, breathe, relax, time some time out to yourself - friends, hobbies or try out some if you don't have any, make new friends, etc. When you can look at your ex and feel meh about her, then you are actually genuinely open to someone new.

And if your SO will run when the going gets tough and act like a victim because you can't pay that much attention to them....is that really a good relationship and a person who will make a fit life long partner? What will happen when you have kids and have to deal with that stress plus work plus bills and so on? Being a man doesn't mean being a mule who pulls the whole load. Food for thought here for you.

i've thought about it too of course; but nobody's perfect

She is much younger than me and i objectively was not the best company. I was very depressed and dark. I can't really blame her. I'm the man, i should have kept these problems for myself and shown a happy face regardless. We were not engaged, married or business partners and i wasn't really sweet back then either; she had no reason to endure that

i've thought about it too of course; but nobody's perfect

She is much younger than me and i objectively was not the best company. I was very depressed and dark. I can't really blame her. I'm the man, i should have kept these problems for myself and shown a happy face regardless. We were not engaged, married or business partners and i wasn't really sweet back then either; she had no reason to endure that

......where are you getting this really unhealthy nonsense from? Serious question.

DancingFool, it says I have to spread around my love to give you more reputation points, lol! I do miss the old system.

OP, yes you can spare a couple of months or more if your goal is to form a healthy, loving relationship that will lead to marriage. First of all, you are still young. Second, do you want to form a marriage or a recipe for a divorce?

i've thought about it too of course; but nobody's perfect

She is much younger than me and i objectively was not the best company. I was very depressed and dark. I can't really blame her. I'm the man, i should have kept these problems for myself and shown a happy face regardless. We were not engaged, married or business partners and i wasn't really sweet back then either; she had no reason to endure that

Being a man means to shut up and smile even if you are unhappy? What?!

What does being a man mean to you?

A man is just a male human being. You are allowed to feel sad, anxious, unhappy, unsatisfied, angry and all that jazz.

You've already tried to get back together, apologize, etc, etc, etc. She rejected your attempts and harshly so. Time for you to start working on accepting that it's really over, that she actually meant to dump you and that the new guy is not a rebound. After all, your relationship was on the rocks for months before you broke up and it took you several months to reach out, not that it would have made a difference. My point is that she has had time to actually move on and sounds like she has.

yes she moved on for sure; she even told me; but i experienced girlfriends coming back to me months even years later; so i guess you never really "move on" regardless of what you may think on the moment. Of course you meet someone new who gives you everything your ex didn't, you are living a pur bliss, so why even looking back? but let's see how it will look 6 months down the road

My spirit is that i move on and am open to meeting new amazing women, but honestly i wouldn't mind trying again with her. I feel the circumstances were quite unfair with us

A very good girlfriend of mine left her husband of 8 years one year ago for another guy. But this guy ended up as being a short lived fantasy. I lasted a year and they just parted ways. Now she's back to square one and her ex husband re married.

That's how unpredictable life is:/

Being a man means to shut up and smile even if you are unhappy? What?!

What does being a man mean to you?

A man is just a male human being. You are allowed to feel sad, anxious, unhappy, unsatisfied, angry and all that jazz.

I totally agree, however, there are also healthy limits;

your girlfriend shouldn't be your shrink, and she isn't your business partner either; you must respect these boundaries if you don't want to destroy your relationships

I made the choice to keep her and my parents outside of this because it was so much stress; no one deserves that

so i gave limited informations and updates about the situation, but yet, she suffered the consequences. Also we had distance between us because of work and it made things even more difficult

I don't think she didn't realize how bad it was; but whatever, what is done is done

I totally agree, however, there are also healthy limits;

your girlfriend shouldn't be your shrink, and she isn't your business partner either; you must respect these boundaries if you don't want to destroy your relationships

 

I made the choice to keep her and my parents outside of this because it was so much stress; no one deserves that

so i gave limited informations and updates about the situation, but yet, she suffered the consequences. Also we had distance between us because of work and it made things even more difficult

I don't think she didn't realize how bad it was; but whatever, what is done is done

You kept your girlfriend away from what you were experiencing at the time and yet you are complaining she never asked you about it. Had she asked, would you tell her the truth or just keep a happy face? Are these "healthy limits" after all? This has nothing to do with your gender and you know it.

Whatever is done is indeed done and you can't predict the future, that's right. But right now you need to reflect on your actions in order to not repeat your possible mistakes.

I totally agree, however, there are also healthy limits;

your girlfriend shouldn't be your shrink, and she isn't your business partner either; you must respect these boundaries if you don't want to destroy your relationships

 

I made the choice to keep her and my parents outside of this because it was so much stress; no one deserves that

so i gave limited informations and updates about the situation, but yet, she suffered the consequences. Also we had distance between us because of work and it made things even more difficult

I don't think she didn't realize how bad it was; but whatever, what is done is done

Look, if you don't figure out how to be more honest and open about what is happening with you, you'll keep wrecking your relationships. People will support you, even if it's just in the form of giving you time and space to do what you need to do, so long as they are in the loop and know what you are going through. If you try to hide things or plaster on a fake smile on trouble...well....we are all fairly intuitive that you are not being honest about something, hiding something and THAT damages relationships badly and sometimes beyond repair.

Again, be less worried about latching onto some new girl and actually take some time out to learn from your mistakes. As you keep posting, there is a lot of unhealthy and a whole lot of denial coming out of you. Heal, take a time out to actually heal. That's not weakness, that's strength. Pretending is weak.

It appears that you are going off the NC rule book. . the version that states if you do such in such this might be the outcome.

 

But if you search further (or read in this forum) there is the healthier theory that NC is a tool one uses to heal and not game plan to get your ex back.

Having said that. . This could go either way and it doesn't seem like you are not willing to let go. If you think you can handle yet another angry rejection, go ahead and contact her and let that be your final answer and work towards putting this behind you once in for all.

 

As you can see you are somewhat misguided by rule book #1 and are still in a holding pattern trying to calculate some desired outcome. As a result, it may be likely be just time wasted when you could otherwise be that much further along in healing.

 

So if you think you can reach out and not be crushed by the possibility. .then go ahead.

If you think this will set you back, then pass on it. Use NC as tool to heal yourself and not as some magic potion to get her to run back to you.

It hasn't worked yet, has it?

 

I don't mean to minimize your feelings.

Breaks up's break us. I am sorry you are going through this and I get that it hurts.

You can mitigate some the pain of you choose to.

I have endured so much pain and sad events in my life that one more rejection won't make any difference at this point; but there is no point doing so if it doesn't yield a positive outcome.

I didn't even use NC as a healing process neither as a ploy to get her back; it just happened; i see no point communicating when someone is obviously on the edge, mean and disrespectful

A few months were required to let the dust settle down

As a matter of fact she may be willing to communicate;

I actually screwed up one week ago and inadvertently placed a whatsapp call as i was deleting her number lol

2 days later she returned a "?"

You kept your girlfriend away from what you were experiencing at the time and yet you are complaining she never asked you about it. Had she asked, would you tell her the truth or just keep a happy face? Are these "healthy limits" after all? This has nothing to do with your gender and you know it.

 

Whatever is done is indeed done and you can't predict the future, that's right. But right now you need to reflect on your actions in order to not repeat your possible mistakes.

fair enough; but she was aware of my situation; i just didn't talk about it every single day and she wouldn't question me either so i just kept it this way;

I really though over it and even started educating myself about relationships and emotional self control a couple of months ago; already read a few books, follow psychology / relationship podcasts daily, i'm really serious about this. Very few men do this actualy. Did you know that 95% of books about relationship are purchased by women?

fair enough; but she was aware of my situation; i just didn't talk about it every single day and she wouldn't question me either so i just kept it this way;

I really though over it and even started educating myself about relationships and emotional self control a couple of months ago; already read a few books, follow psychology / relationship podcasts daily, i'm really serious about this. Very few men do this actualy. Did you know that 95% of books about relationship are purchased by women?

It doesn't surprise me that 95% of the people buying those types of books are women. Our society is built upon the notion that women only want relationships and men want to fool around. Which is, in my opinion is far from the truth. Or even if it seems to be what's going on, a lot of those people are just following the society's norms and not what they really want because "what would people think?!". If a woman dares to just want sex or a man dares to want to hold out for meaningful sex. Oh lord! Disaster! /irony off

It's great that you are investing time and investing in yourself by educating yourself on these matters as long as you are not simply following rules on "how to maintain a serious relationship", hence, "being a man". Yeah, the "being a man" bugs me because I can relate on how being pressured to act a certain way just because you are a certain gender can affect you. I hope you are not getting that from the books/podcasts, if so, expand your pool of information. Besides that, are you following rules or truly finding yourself?

To the main subject, of course it takes two to tango, so I can't neglect the fact that your ex acted as if everything was ok. So, despite the high chances of her mirroring your behavior(everything is fine), there's a high possibility of her just not being able to to understand you or not willing to. That would be a huge turn off for me. You mentioned that she was a lot younger than you, that just adds to her indifferent behavior.

Are you sure you want her back? Knowing that you are looking for a potential wife, how do you think she might act under the pressure of children and a boring daily routine?

It doesn't surprise me that 95% of the people buying those types of books are women. Our society is built upon the notion that women only want relationships and men want to fool around. Which is, in my opinion is far from the truth. Or even if it seems to be what's going on, a lot of those people are just following the society's norms and not what they really want because "what would people think?!". If a woman dares to just want sex or a man dares to want to hold out for meaningful sex. Oh lord! Disaster! /irony off

 

It's great that you are investing time and investing in yourself by educating yourself on these matters as long as you are not simply following rules on "how to maintain a serious relationship", hence, "being a man". Yeah, the "being a man" bugs me because I can relate on how being pressured to act a certain way just because you are a certain gender can affect you. I hope you are not getting that from the books/podcasts, if so, expand your pool of information. Besides that, are you following rules or truly finding yourself?

 

To the main subject, of course it takes two to tango, so I can't neglect the fact that your ex acted as if everything was ok. So, despite the high chances of her mirroring your behavior(everything is fine), there's a high possibility of her just not being able to to understand you or not willing to. That would be a huge turn off for me. You mentioned that she was a lot younger than you, that just adds to her indifferent behavior.

 

Are you sure you want her back? Knowing that you are looking for a potential wife, how do you think she might act under the pressure of children and a boring daily routine?

Yes, we had really great chemistry and she wanted long term commitment; we sometime had arguments about that because she was pushing too strong, but i was ok with long term goals and family; i just wasn't in the mood or state of mind to even be able to think about that as i was struggling every single day to keep the lights on and this business going; it was too overwhelming and that was one of the main arguments we had. She wanted to talk commitment and relationship, and i was struggling to survive; so we were totally off

And being married shouldn't be a boring routine:)

I myself don't really care about the marriage thing; it is just a symbolic thing that i would give to the woman i love to prove her my commitment, but the commitment should be visible every day in the real life, not just on a registry at the city hall)

Yes, we had really great chemistry and she wanted long term commitment; we sometime had arguments about that because she was pushing too strong, but i was ok with long term goals and family; i just wasn't in the mood or state of mind to even be able to think about that as i was struggling every single day to keep the lights on and this business going; it was too overwhelming and that was one of the main arguments we had. She wanted to talk commitment and relationship, and i was struggling to survive; so we were totally off

That's a big thing to be off about. Surviving and committing should go hand in hand. She should know and care about how much you were struggling. I know a few people who don't care about the logistics of getting married yet strive to get married. They are usually living in a big bubble and of course it bursts, because that's what bubbles do.

Personally an ideal marriage means that we both care about how to survive, meaning we talk about it and contribute in any way we can. We're sharing our lives with all the ups and downs. If you are the type of person that wants to guarantee your future wife a nice life without her being worried, I can't argue even if I don't agree, if it makes you happy go for it,but you have to find one that agrees with that sort of arrangement. Sure, this one wanted a long term commitment, but how did she perceive it? Did you ever talk about that? Why was she pushing so hard for a commitment?