Soo confused

I am a arab girl who lives in europe now and i have been struggling for the last 3 years in a relationship. I dont know if all the realtions have to be this hard or just me...I have been insulted and boolied by my boyfriends family. In fact we were “ engaged“ for 2 months. They cane to our house and asked my hand that was 2 years ago. At that time I was still in my country and him already in europe. And had problems with visa.. he propsed to marry in Europe because he cant afford to make big wedding at the time and my family refused and said that there is no rush, I have to focus on my career and I will get visa sooner or later and when you are both ready you get married. They didnt want me to be a burden on my fiancee at that time he was student. His family did understand the whole thing like if we are not accepting because him... and specially his mother she was furious without a reason. Then I have had a short trip to europe and we me and my fiancee met with out telling anyone. His family thought that we got maried secretly.And here they became threatning me and told their son to quit me. He tried a lot to convince them, and he came home to talk to them and my family

My parents were ok and wanted to clarify the misunderstood and his father was understanding too but his mom and sisters they were on fire! She called me many times to threten me then when I didnt pick up she sended me messages

Then they hacked my social media accounts and knew that we still talk... and they began to threaten him too... we have all things about you too and if you dont quite here we will make a scandal!

In that moment I told him to go and leave me alone I dont want these devils in my life. But he insisted to never leave me. Then after 2 months I got my visa and came here. Since that we see each other everyday. Our families think that it s over but itnst. It s even more! He is such caring and loving person and I cant imagine my life without him. What should I do. They are such evils that I cant imagine my self dealing with them again in my life. He is not talking to his familie now and so angry and keep proposing to me and I refuse and postpone it. He even boought a beautiful ring but I didnt accept it. I see them between us and this is making me crazy

Whenever I see parents meddling in their childrens' personal affairs, I always blame the children. It is in the child's hand to put their parents in place as crazy as they are. For me it's a sign of immaturity and lack of independence on behalf of the BF.They will always be meddling if my BF lets them. Your BF seems to be trying, so that's a good sign. Yet, he is keeping you two a secret, which is problematic. So what's his stance on all this?

Why are they not accepting you if I may ask? You said "they came" to ask for your hand, do you mean his whole family traveled to your country? Were they ok with the whole thing then and now they changed their minds?

I think it's good that you are postponing until this matter gets resolved. You don't want to be entering a marriage like this.

Yes the whole family came to our house, we are both from the same state. They refused later because his mother fighted with my mom over a rushed marriage, my mother told her that my BF still a student and they can not marry now at least till he get a job. And

And his mother thought that we are looking for" rich guy" then she started fighting and telling us that they have money... and we dont mean or ask for that at alll! She has a complexity... then after she find out that we meet secretly she insisted because for her "I m not good girl" because I m seeing the one I love. They even hacked our convesations and pictures and use them to force him to leave me! I can not imagine how sick she is to voilte our intimacy ! My BF is not talking to her or his sisters who helped her to that. He wants us to marry here far away and dont tell them but I cant do that to my fimly they helped us and dont deserve it

Well, I would agree with your families that you shouldn't get married until you both have graduated school and have jobs so you can support yourselves. Being in love is great, but you've got to make money to live in this world. And that may mean struggling before that can happen. When you both can stand on your own two feet and take care of yourselves, then you can get married.

Hm...How old are you?

He works now and I m already graduated but I choosed to work abroad and I m still working on the recognition of my diploma... the last months he were always by my side and helped me a lot and took car eof me. He is now financially stable but I m not I ow my parents a lot of money and I have to get it back.

I m 27 and he is 30

I m 27 and he is 30

Oh wow. I thought you were way younger after you mentioned his mother talking about school n stuff. Well it's obvious that his parents are too involved in his life and as I stated in my first post, that's never a good sign. That said, maybe your parents are too? Would you not marry him if your parents wouldn't allow you to?

It does seem that you two are figuring things out, which is the most important. I'd postpone any plans of marriage until you feel ok with your debt towards your parents at least. How is your relationship other than that? Is there any chance that he's insisting on marrying you just to spite his parents?

I doubt you will ever win with his family, I think they will continue to make trouble. So, is he prepared to leave his family forever and have nothing more to do with him? If not, then you need to get prepared for problems to continue.

He already dont talk to them anymore only his father. And he s willing to give up everything to be together but I cant hurt my family specially they were so supportive

Was this an arranged marriage? Were his parent eager to get a dowry?

No it s not arranged marriage. We are best friends since long time ago 8 years and we were in diefferent relationship and we became together. Sorry I didnt understand the 2 d question

He wants to marry because he loves me and but he is insisting now because we are both muslims and he dont want us to feel guilty being together without marriage... I mean physically. It s so in our religion and culture

What nationality is your bf's family?

Sorry, I read now that you are both muslims. I dont think that you will find many people on this forum that can give you an advice since not a lot of people understand how things work in your culture.

In general my advice would be to move away from your families and with time they will.learn to live with both of you.

Thank you for your advice. I m purposely posted here because I dont want "muslims" to bad mouthed me and my BF for getting physically or doing things against our families. I think that we cant live just insane rules , we are human beings and we have feelings and I think no matter the religion or believes are there is no reason to make to people apart... or to hack our private messages... or to insult me like they did

Well....he is 30 years old. A full adult, but his family is treating him like he is still a child. Monitoring what he does and with who. Telling him who he can and cannot be with. That is very controlling and unhealthy. As someone else said, he is actually part of this problem. It's on him to create adult boundaries with his family and it doesn't seem like he can. I'd actually be very concerned that he is with you as a form of rebellion against his family. This is just a very strange situation for your age to be in. His family is very controlling and crazy, but he isn't behaving like a healthy adult either. I think you need to think long and hard about that.

If you were both just 18 or 19, I'd understand the situation. However, he is 30. This is highly abnormal.

I keep blaming him for not setting these boundaries from the beginning

I keep blaming him for not setting these boundaries from the beginning

....Well....blaming doesn't really do anything..... This is who he is, these are the issues, this is his family and family dynamic - now you need to make that hard decision if this is really something that works for you or not. You can't fix him or change him, so you need to think long and hard what it is you are getting into. You can love someone dearly, but that doesn't mean they are right for you or a good partner to build a life with.

I'm not Muslim but I was raised in a very strict religious family and I know the feeling. If it was up to my mom, I'd be married to someone she approved of years ago. I managed to get away from all that,which is HARD, but for me, totally worth it. I'm not telling you to follow my footsteps, leaving the religion I was brought up in, but setting boundaries is healthy religious or not.

It's not a good idea to marry because of the physical acts you've already indulged in. No God would be mad at that. Find a mid way to feel comfortable with intercourse. Maybe don't do it that often, like on special occasions or something, you get what I mean. If your BF feels the same as you, or is at least open about it, talk about it.

There is a way to be religious in our modern society and still follow the basic rules of each religion.

The religion I grew up in forbids an physical contact before marriage too, as most , as far as I know. Still, many people, well most find that "rule" outdated. And it is. If we were to marry the first person we had sex with the world would be a horrible place to live in. We all know that finding a loving partner that you will be able to have children with is far more important than sex.

I apologise if I stepped too far with this, it's just that I can relate.

Thank you for you answer , I totally agree with you. But really I do love him and I m sur that he do love me too. The obly problem is , am I able to live away from every one? It sounds ridiculous but if I marry him I will disappoint my family even if they dont hate him and find him a good guy. Our "happiness together" will never be complet and will always have a missing part .

What is your parents objection to him? Do they have another arranged marriage in mind for you?

if I marry him I will disappoint my family.

I am a arab girl who lives in europe now and i have been struggling for the last 3 years in a relationship. I dont know if all the realtions have to be this hard or just me...I have been insulted and boolied by my boyfriends family. In fact we were “ engaged“ for 2 months. They cane to our house and asked my hand that was 2 years ago. At that time I was still in my country and him already in europe. And had problems with visa.. he propsed to marry in Europe because he cant afford to make big wedding at the time and my family refused and said that there is no rush, I have to focus on my career and I will get visa sooner or later and when you are both ready you get married. They didnt want me to be a burden on my fiancee at that time he was student. His family did understand the whole thing like if we are not accepting because him... and specially his mother she was furious without a reason. Then I have had a short trip to europe and we me and my fiancee met with out telling anyone. His family thought that we got maried secretly.And here they became threatning me and told their son to quit me. He tried a lot to convince them, and he came home to talk to them and my family

My parents were ok and wanted to clarify the misunderstood and his father was understanding too but his mom and sisters they were on fire! She called me many times to threten me then when I didnt pick up she sended me messages

Then they hacked my social media accounts and knew that we still talk... and they began to threaten him too... we have all things about you too and if you dont quite here we will make a scandal!

In that moment I told him to go and leave me alone I dont want these devils in my life. But he insisted to never leave me. Then after 2 months I got my visa and came here. Since that we see each other everyday. Our families think that it s over but itnst. It s even more! He is such caring and loving person and I cant imagine my life without him. What should I do. They are such evils that I cant imagine my self dealing with them again in my life. He is not talking to his familie now and so angry and keep proposing to me and I refuse and postpone it. He even boought a beautiful ring but I didnt accept it. I see them between us and this is making me crazy

My dear, you are going to have to start considering how you're going to live with these "devils" in your life because you and your boyfriend are going behind both of your families' backs by meeting in Europe. They are going to be the grandmother/aunts of any children you and he have if you marry and you can best bet that they will attempt to turn your child against you, if they don't resort to attempting to harm the child first.

His mother sounds certifiable.

I'd give him back the ring, go back home, finish your education because he brings too much messiness with him.

In the meantime, put an iron-clad password on your social media so they cannot hack it anymore.

I have already finished my education with phd degree. And i m working on getting my Diplom recognized hier and find suitable job... but it takes times and lot of studying and that s what I m focusing about now... but he keep asking me for marriage again and again.... and "let us live here and get away from them" he can live without his family but I cant...

Who is in Europe now? You, him and his family? What about your family? Where are they? Do you want to move back to your family or your country? What about the guy you love? Where is he?

he keep asking me for marriage again and again.... and "let us live here and get away from them" he can live without his family but I cant...