My fake “woke” mom won’t give my boyfriend/father of my child a chance.

So basically my mom is mixed with white and black. My mom has almost always hated the fact that she was half white and mostly associated with her black side. I for one am 75% black 25% white but I love all of who I am and definitely don’t discriminate against who I date either and just soo happened to get pregnant by my boyfriend who happens to be white. Before these last 2 years I’ve always dated all types of races and my mom of course wasn’t too thrilled but she was always accepting as long as I was happy. Now though.. after all the stuff in the media regarding how black people are being treated by police and the justice system and then when Black Panther came out she’s become what I call “Fake Woke” and is now just 100% against white people even though her mom and everyone on that side is white. When she found out I was pregnant 6 months ago and by a white guy she was really upset with me and basically made it seem like she wanted nothing to do with her grandchild because he will be mixed. My mom has never met my boyfriend, seen my boyfriend, nor even talked to my boyfriend and made it very clear that she doesn’t want to. The fact that my mom felt soo strongly about this really kind of hurt my family especially on my grandmas side. At first I tried not to take it personally but the fact that now some how I have to tell my boyfriend my mom has no interest in meeting him really sucks. Not only does she judge my boyfriend for being white but because he is white and is from Washington and Oregon she automatically assumes that his family is racist and won’t accept me... which isn’t even the case. If anyone is that way it’s her towards my boyfriend.

I’ve been visiting her and my family for about 2 months now and toward the 2nd month I really thought that after me talking up my boyfriend that she’d be more accepting but then today she brought up that she still doesn’t like him because me and him didn’t realize some political BS that she was soo “woke” about. Smfh. I will say atleast yesterday for the first time in 6 months she acknowledged my son as her grandson.... I guess that’s a start.

Wow, sorry you are going through that. Dealing with racist/biggoted family members is tough. :/

Wow, sorry you are going through that. Dealing with racist/biggoted family members is tough. :/

I mean sometimes it is what it is... it just sucks that she’s acting exactly like the kind of person that she’s against. And I wish I could join my new family with my immediate family but I guess I just gotta give it sometime. Hopefully when my son is born she may see things differently.. who knows.

I'll start by stating obvious points- race is a social construct which leads to different lived experience in people, and white privilege is a real thing.

You cannot take white privilege away from white people - this is how we were socialised and and we are often literally blind to it, until we become aware of it. Then it's our individual and group choice to work towards a future without oppressive race structures, and to not be d!cks about it in person. But most of us do not manage more than trying to be decent people in person, and maybe occasionally attending a protest. So- your mum is partially right to be distrustful towards white people- because in the end each one of us still benefits from the system, even if we are trying to work to change it, because we recognise this is wrong. So this is the limitation that you are working with when it comes to your mum.

On the other hand - each of us - white, black, male, female - we are still people who can relate to each other in a genuine and decent way, without being defined by our differences, We can try to acknowledge our privileges but relate to each other with respect and and as equals- because the privileges are a manifestation of systemic inequality, rather than an expression of something inherent (beyond the difference as individuals). Your mum is not giving your bf a chance to relate to her as two people would - because she either lost the hope that white people are ever able to understand how obnoxious we can be - OR she believes that there is some intrinsic, fundamental difference that will make white people always into oppressors.

You will need to figure out which one it is- if it just the "I cannot spend more energy on white people, because they are so ignorant" thing - then you'll need to somehow find a way to argue her into giving your bf a chance as a person, rather than a white guy. If she is simply prejudiced against white people, because - there is something inherently oppressive about them because of being white - then you'll need to find a way of showing her that her position is just a replication of the idea that people of different races have some intrinsic, immutable qualities - and really she is just validating race as concept.

If you are not able to convince her - then, you will have to break the news to your bf. And then it's up to you - whose side you want to take. You might end up in a situation where you are seeing her occasionally, but your bf and her will never meet.

She is probably angry, and hurt, and has probably not accepted her mixed heritage either, so have some compassion for her too.

What I'd suggest is to find a forum or group for mixed race, black , white, or white-presenting people and go and engage there with her. If she can talk to people who fall into different places in the system, and have different experiences, and who broadly agree on a shared reality in which all those different experiences happen, then she will maybe we able to start thinking of your bf as a person, rather than just a white guy.

But - in the end, it might be that your mum is just a d*ck herself. Who knows.

Good luck.

How far apart do you live? Have you visited them or have they visited you? Do you live with your bf? Stop all the political discussions and focus only on your pregnancy and child. Don't bother trying to get her to accept your bf, the more you do the more she'll push back. Her self-hatred has no rhyme or reason. If she wants to see her grandchild, she'll have to visit you and your bf.

My mom has never met my boyfriend, seen my boyfriend, nor even talked to my boyfriend. I will say at least yesterday for the first time in 6 months she acknowledged my son as her grandson.

When I was younger, my mom use to tell me that if I ever married a white person, she'd disowned me. Well, her best friend is 100% black, and my kids (her grandkids) are half asian and half white, and love them to the moon and back, and played hardball when I was thinking of divorcing my hubby a few months ago into advising me I should stay married. Do you have any siblings, dad, uncle, aunts who can talk sense into her? She will come around.

Your mom will come around eventually, particularly if you settle down with your boyfriend and get married. She might get to the point where she hates all white people except for your boyfriend. That will be a start anyways.

I hope it's alright to ask, what about your dad? The rest of your family? Do you have a good support system? I'm curious why you are spending all this time with her while pregnant while knowing she feels as she feels.? The most important thing while pregnant is your health and to keep your stress low. Personally I'd avoid conflict situationns as much as possible during this time.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It must be so difficult when it's your mom. Most of us wish more than anything to have our mom share in joys such as this. Due to her own issues, it may not happen in any real way.

That's really sad to hear this. I mean, your mom is mixed race herself - if she identifies more as black - that's perfectly fine for her to do, but to respond in a RACIST manner to other people is really hypocritical. I suggest you just be yourself -- love your boyfriend and if mom is upset - then that's her choice. I am sure there are other family members on both sides of your family who love you and support you. I certainly hope that this is a phase that she is going through and I bet through all the bluster one day she will come to her senses.

A little background to the situation and my mom: my mom like I said is half and half but growing up she was raised around my great grandmother who was white and extremely racist towards my grandfather (black) and majority other races so we definitely believe that may also have an impact on her thinking and hatred for her own race. She’s openly said that she was racist (which was news to me because she was never like this to this extent before I moved away). In regards to why I’m staying with her: I over reacted to an argument me and my boyfriend had an moved to California to be with family... she opened her doors to me and has been letting me stay with her. For the most part things are fine between us until some internet controversy comes up smh. Most the time I don’t respond to a lot of what she talks about because I don’t focus on that kind of stuff. My boyfriend still lives in Florida and in a couple weeks I’ll be moving back out there and we’ll be living together. No matter what I will be with my boyfriend not because I’m blinded by love but because my mom has the mind set of what she thinks is 100% right and she can never do wrong (which is why I moved away in the first place when she kicked me out and believed she did no wrong in the situation). But I also know that she’ll always be apart of my life no matter what. I just can’t have her bringing all that racial negativity to my family. I’ve always believed in equality for men, women, races, etc.

Another part that really sucks is that since my boyfriend honestly isn’t used to being I guess “non privileged” he’s been really sensitive to the dirty looks he’s been receiving, the racial comments from black people and etc since moving to Florida and most hanging out with black people. My boyfriend is no way shape or form racist or even raised racist. He does not discriminate others for their ethnicity and really gets upset when any other race is being discriminated against which makes the whole situation even more harder for me (us). Cause he is very passionate about that. He did no wrong and is now being judged without even trying to see what he’s like as a person. It’s very hypocritical. She automatically assumes that him and his family are racist when really it’s only her.

For those curious about my dad and the rest of my family... I haven’t seen my dad in almost 20 years and I don’t know a whole lot about the black side of my family but I’m very close with my grandma (she basically raised me) and her side of the family. As far as support system majority of my family is here for me especially my boyfriend even with being 3,000 miles away.

I just hope at some point she does give him a chance and doesn’t try to force my son to be pro black the way she tried to force me to be pro black. Hopefully she’s just be more accepting.

Another part that really sucks is that since my boyfriend honestly isn’t used to being I guess “non privileged” he’s been really sensitive to the dirty looks he’s been receiving, the racial comments from black people and etc since moving to Florida and most hanging out with black people. My boyfriend is no way shape or form racist or even raised racist. He does not discriminate others for their ethnicity and really gets up

Ok wait a minute. So it "sucks" because he isn't used to being discriminated against??

Another part that really sucks is that since my boyfriend honestly isn’t used to being I guess “non privileged” he’s been really sensitive to the dirty looks he’s been receiving, the racial comments from black people and etc since moving to Florida and most hanging out with black people. My boyfriend is no way shape or form racist or even raised racist. He does not discriminate others for their ethnicity and really gets up

 

Ok wait a minute. So it "sucks" because he isn't used to being discriminated against??

I guess I may have worded that wrong but it just sucks people can’t just be because others have some racial feeling about who they are smh.

Focus on this and your pregnancy and getting ready for your child and your lives together. Think of you and him and your child as people not as black, white, mixed, racist, privileged, woke, etc. take the hyperbola out of your vocabulary and it will come out of your thoughts and out of your life. Put the love back in. Take the social strife out. Deal with your mother as your mother, your bf as your partner and your child as your child.

My boyfriend still lives in Florida and in a couple weeks I’ll be moving back out there and we’ll be living together.

My in laws are very racist. We live in the South and they think they are entitled to speak there mind about these things around my family.

I am white, as is my family, but blind and hateful language isn't allowed at our house.

They come over and they are allowed to stay as long as they are civil. But if they start spouting off some of their anti black/gay crap they are told to leave our house.

I will not have some crazy person filling my children's heads with that hate so each when they are so young and impressionable.

They might get pissy and say they are coming back but I just tell them "I don't care if you come back but you are leaving now"

As a parent you can't let that poison get into your children from family members they will look up to.

Just set boundaries and don't allow your mother to fill your son's head with all that hate.

They are racist and haven't ever even lived in a town with a sizable non Caucasian population.

My family is not and we grew up running in the alleys through the black neighborhoods on our way to school so we wouldn't get the crap beat out of us or worse.

Focus on this and your pregnancy and getting ready for your child and your lives together. Think of you and him and your child as people not as black, white, mixed, racist, privileged, woke, etc. take the hyperbola out of your vocabulary and it will come out of your thoughts and out of your life. Put the love back in. Take the social strife out. Deal with your mother as your mother, your bf as your partner and your child as your child.

I agree with this 100%.

I'm sorry to hear your dad is not in your life. It's wonderful though that you do have some family in your life who are supportive. And a loving partner. Surround your little family with love and let the others fall to the periphery. Yes, she's your mom, and you clearly love her, but you get to choose the boundaries with her as an adult.

Best of luck.