Girlfriend purposefully not replying?

Hi all,

I'm currently in a relationship with a girl who I've been with for a couple of months. It's going great. We see each other a healthy amount, we're both in Uni and her Uni accommodation is just down the road from my house. It's very mutual between us, we both feel exactly the same towards each other etc. However, I'm quite confused about the way she communicates to me sometimes. Or rather, doesn't...

Today she messaged me saying good morning, followed by a short and sweet conversation between us both with relatively quick replies for about an hour. She leaves for 4 hours and replies again at around 2pm. She is in the middle of writing an essay which is due in a few days, I knew she was busy writing that which is why she had gone, so that obviously didn't bother me at all.

I replied at 2:15pm. It's now midnight and she hasn't messaged me since. My last message was something along the lines of "Let me know if I can help in any way x" (with the essay). Cute, right? But here's the thing, I go on facebook quite a lot, once an hour maybe, so I can see who's been active etc. I noticed she had been active around 4-5 times since I messaged her last, but hasn't 'read' my message. I keep saying aloud "Why!?" in frustration every time she comes online and goes back offline again. Now I know some of you may reply with 'She's busy writing her essay, chill man', but she's done this quite a few times, even when I know she isn't busy. Here's another thing to take into account as well: She doesn't go on her phone much. She's admitted that to me, and shows it when I'm with her. I have no problem with that - But the fact she's been active 4-5 times and has said nothing makes me feel a bit weird. She's been active on other social medias too and has been in contact with other people.

Can anyone give me an explanation as to why? It feels as though she is purposefully ignoring me/not replying and being active, just to make me 'want' her more which will make me more 'needy'.

P.S: I know I've been posting on here a lot, so sorry if you're someone who's read any recent posts of mine. I just find this website really helpful. I'm also quite an anxious guy (I've been working on it for a while and it has been better), I feel better having some input from people who aren't involved.

"It's very mutual between us, we both feel exactly the same towards each other etc."

First thing, you shouldn't just assume that, even if she tells you so. You sound more invested than her.

My suggestion is to stop messaging so much. You live close, study at the same uni, keep your interactions mostly to face-to-face stuff. You may be smothering her and that's why she's not responding that much. Your anxiety will kill your relationship if you don't change some of your habits.

"It's very mutual between us, we both feel exactly the same towards each other etc."

 

First thing, you shouldn't just assume that, even if she tells you so. You sound more invested than her.

It's a long story - She's quite a shy girl, an introvert. She's never been with anyone before me. She had been looking at my facebook profile months before we got together. She had never once wanted to go up to a guy before, she's always been too shy to in the past. But with me she actually tried because she was extremely attracted to me (her words). Nothing has gone wrong between us, It's not just a case of assuming or if she tells me or not, her actions have shown it.

You're right about the rest, I'll keep it in mind. However I don't 'smother' her - I don't repeatedly message her when she doesn't reply, I leave it and even sometimes reply as last as she does. The only thing I've really done to look like I'm more invested was say "I think we're amazing" or "It's great how mutual this is" etc. She has no real reason (in my head) to ignore me like she is... I know she's seen it

"The only thing I've really done to look like I'm more invested was say "I think we're amazing" or "It's great how mutual this is" etc."

You are indeed smothering her with these comments and sounding way overinvested. It's only been a couple of months. Again, I suggest you to tone down on these kind of comments and message way less. It's not just about who starts or ends the messaging, it's about the fact you're both sharing too much through messages and being constantly 'around' each other 24/7.

Texting can become boring.pretty much happened between my ex and I. IMO we text messaged each other way too much. Then you run out of things to talk about.

sometimes, a person needs a break from the conversation. Give her some time to miss you... She has lots of other people in her life and things going on. It's okay for her to go on social media and not text you back. You just need to match her enthusiasm. Find other things to do and don't be so focused on the response and conversation. I used to be just like that when it came to communicating with someone I was dating. I would worry. The worry caused me to sabatoge the relationship unneccessarily. I even would give myself timelines in my head... "If he doesn't text me by 12pm, I'm done" So silly... I mean really. When I started dating my now ex, I noticed he wasn't great at text messaging. We would go all day without sending a single text and I simply told myself it would be okay. Everytime it happened, I would just change my internal dialog and tell myself it was okay. Eventually, I did become okay with it and he and I grew closer. I found out that frequency of text and interest are not always congruent. I also found that he was much needier in the relationship than I was.... Go figure!

Oh boy.

Sometimes my phone pings if I am not on Facebook but received a notification on my phone. It doesn't mean she is looking at Facebook.

I think you need a reality check. She was working on a paper and is not obligated to entertain you 24/7. you told her to let her know if she needed help --- a statement that does not require an answer. your time is better spent by looking forward to seeing her on the next date versus analyzing if she opened your message or not.

It's a long story - She's quite a shy girl, an introvert. She's never been with anyone before me.

That doesn't mean that she "owes" you constant or immediate contact. It does not mean that she is inexperienced in her sense of time management.

As far as smothering -- smothering does not always mean someone is constantly messaging. People can feel smothered by being told "i am glad our relationship is so mutual", talking frequently about the status of the relationship, etc, vs just going with the flow and just looking forward to the next time.

Whenever I push my phone's "power" button, it says I'm online even if I just pushed it to see the time. Whenever I power up my desktop and navigate to any webpage, Facebook says I'm "active". Same with my tablet.

Now, the real question is...if you are so confident in her feelings for you, why are you so anxious about how quickly she responds to a text/message? Are you using her response time as a measure of her feelings?

The only thing I've really done to look like I'm more invested was say "I think we're amazing" or "It's great how mutual this is" etc.

To me, that comment sounds like you're hoping for reassurance. I think it's fine to give compliments, and actually quite lovely if done with genuine intention, but she could be interpreting such assertions as you seeking approval from her. Depending on how frequently you're doing this, she might just not know how to respond or want a break from that line of conversation.

If she is inexperienced, she could also be taking tips from old-school love experts who advise women not to show too much interest in the beginning.

But more to the point of this specific post, your last message to her while she was studying didn't really warrant a response. I think she's likely just taking study breaks now and then and distracting herself online without really wanting to engage in a conversation. I wouldn't sweat it.

"The only thing I've really done to look like I'm more invested was say "I think we're amazing" or "It's great how mutual this is" etc."

 

You are indeed smothering her with these comments and sounding way overinvested. It's only been a couple of months. Again, I suggest you to tone down on these kind of comments and message way less.

See, this is why I use this website. I thought saying things like that wasn't a bad thing, but just stating how well things are going between us. I'll do what you suggested, thank you.

Texting can become boring.pretty much happened between my ex and I. IMO we text messaged each other way too much. Then you run out of things to talk about.

We don't even text each other that much, not enough for it to become boring anyway.

That doesn't mean that she "owes" you constant or immediate contact. It does not mean that she is inexperienced in her sense of time management.

 

As far as smothering -- smothering does not always mean someone is constantly messaging. People can feel smothered by being told "i am glad our relationship is so mutual", talking frequently about the status of the relationship, etc, vs just going with the flow and just looking forward to the next time.

I didn't mean it like that. I know she doesn't owe me anything. I was just using that as an opener to state the rest of what I said. You're right about the rest - I will start to tone it down. Thank you.

Depending on how frequently you're doing this, she might just not know how to respond or want a break from that line of conversation.

Hadn't thought of that before. Now thinking about it, I think even I would want a break from it. I don't even say it that much, but from a third point of view I can maybe see myself as being too invested in her. She might be able to see that.

Any tips on reverting the process and making her feel like she's the 'invested' one?

Unfortunately it sounds like she's pushing back from feeling smothered and all the text-tethering. Just lay back and relax. Try not to control her this way having to report to you all the time or patrol her social media.

Texting can become boring.pretty much happened between my ex and I. IMO we text messaged each other way too much. Then you run out of things to talk about.

This!!!!!!!

One of my relationship was like this. We said what we had to say with each other through texting all the time. When we got together we had nothing but meaningless chit chat going on which resulted in feeling like we had no connection for both of us.

Keep the text to a minimum. Like use it to send funny Memes once in a while. Use it to escalate things so she thinks about the good times you both shared. Use it to make her want to see you, but leave those other things like meaningful conversations when you are face to face. So that you have something to talk about. Not just meaningless conversation.

If you must talk through phone in my opinion it is better to just to call but be brief. Through phone calls and text you never get a read on body language and facial expressions. Whatever you say leaves up to your interpretation based on her reply or non reply. You start making assumptions and it very well may not be true.

Just ise it as a small tool but not a major part of your communication. At the end she may break up with you because you feel too much of a friend or she may say things like you do not understand her.

Imagine your last text to her in real life convo.

You: let me know if you need help. ( probably would smile )

Her: OK I will ( smiles back )

You are missing the smiles. Her looking at you just liking you more and more. If her attraction was high enough just by smiling each other she could of told you to come by at x time.

Let's look at it without the smiles. Basically I can help you but let me know. She says OK and leaves.

With text you were only going to get 1 type of reply. OK reply. You were not going to get the come by reply. You don't have that connection with her yet. So what would you have done if she replied with just OK? Nothing, bbecause that's all you were going to get. Instead of sending her a text with a pre-determined response. You could of said,

you will need a break at some point so lets meet at x time and we will go for (enter x type of beverage or something here) and relax your brain on me. Or something like that.

This is also pretty determined reply with OK or no.but this OK means she wants to see you. No reply would usually followed up with a reason.

sometimes, a person needs a break from the conversation. Give her some time to miss you... She has lots of other people in her life and things going on. It's okay for her to go on social media and not text you back. You just need to match her enthusiasm. Find other things to do and don't be so focused on the response and conversation. I used to be just like that when it came to communicating with someone I was dating. I would worry. The worry caused me to sabatoge the relationship unneccessarily. I even would give myself timelines in my head... "If he doesn't text me by 12pm, I'm done" So silly... I mean really. When I started dating my now ex, I noticed he wasn't great at text messaging. We would go all day without sending a single text and I simply told myself it would be okay. Everytime it happened, I would just change my internal dialog and tell myself it was okay. Eventually, I did become okay with it and he and I grew closer. I found out that frequency of text and interest are not always congruent. I also found that he was much needier in the relationship than I was.... Go figure!

Your message helped me a lot. Thank you.

Hey. I know what you are going through because i am like that too. I look at my boyfriends active status and think WHHHHYY ? :) Reality is, he is just getting on with his life and comes back to chat when he misses me and it's totally normal and not at all anything to worry about. You should try worry less and be more chill. ( I know it's easier said than done ) some people just text less .. it's the way it is!