My mom is overly sensitive and annoying

My mom is extremely annoying. This is not blind prejudice, I have a few reasons why I think this.

First of all, whenever she tells me to do something, she has this demeaning tone toward me, like I'm some kind of lesser being. It makes me feel like a slave who has to blindly do everything she tells me to just because she's my mother. Whenever she tells me to do something that doesn't make sense to me, I ask her what the benefit of the task is. She won't even answer such questions, she'll just reply something about how she's in a position of authority over me and I have to do what she says.

Secondly, she always seems impatient when I don't have something done. If she tells me to do something and two minutes later I don't have it done yet, she'll walk up and say something with a condescending attitude like, "So, did you do/finish _____ yet?"

Also, she flares up at even the smallest amount of negativity. Whenever we have even the smallest argument, over the smallest thing, she starts talking about this "aura of negativity" between us. It's infuriating because nobody else is affected so much by this.

Lastly, she always needs to know every single detail about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I had a conversation with her about my schoolwork today that went something like this:

Mom: So what do you have to do tonight?

Me: I have two tests tomorrow to study for and I have to draw some diagrams for Biology that are due on Thursday.

Mom: What classes are those tests for?

Me: World War II and English.

Mom: How long do you think it will take to study for those?

Me: I don't know.

Mom: Well, in, let's see, about 35 minutes, I want you to get started on those diagrams.

This whole time I'm like, "Seriously, Mom, you don't need to know every single little detail of my workload right now." I'm also thinking, "Yes, I'm going to do the homework that's due TWO DAYS FROM NOW, BEFORE I study for the tests I have TOMORROW."

Anyway, I find her really annoying. Should I talk to her about this?

Your mother does sound annoying, but here are a few suggestions:

1.) Don't wait for her to tell you to do something (I assume you are talking about chores etc), just do them - anticipate what needs to be done and do it before she tells you. You won't be 100 percent on that sometimes it's the thought that counts and hopefully she will see the effort.

2.) Tell her more - supply the information that she will ask you for before she asks you.

3.) Watch your tone of voice - that's not easy when your annoyed for sure, and she should watch hers as well, but you can't change her, you can only change yourself.

There is a gap between you - you both need to "walk a mile" in the others shoes. Try to find common ground. Ask her for help on occasion, make her feel like she is more part of your life. This will take time, be patient.

Here is an an anecdote from The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin. Franklin had come across a political adversary. Not wanting to pander to him, Franklin took a different approach. The man was in possession of a rare book and Franklin, being curious, asked to borrow it. This would require his adversary to go out of his way and invest effort into their relationship. From that point onward, the man’s mood towards Franklin changed, and they became friends until the man’s passing.

ps: ummmm, there might be menopause happening here too - google that and see if it applies. I find it super ironic in the life of humans that the mother's menopause happens right around the time when they have teenagers - that's a recipe for conflict.

To me this sounds like you have long been known not to do your work in a timely fashion using intelligent priorities and that you don't do tasks that you have been assigned by your family without argument and delay. Why do I have this feeling that such issues have gone on for a long time, and when you occasionally do things in a quick and efficient fashion, you think the 2000 other times it took you forever should be forgotten? This just sounds SO familiar....

She sounds like a mom... I have two sons who are almost 10 and 13. I can relate a little bit to her in that sense; however, I do not do all the things you described. I more or less try to teach my boys to have self-discpline and I don't police them that closely. If they don't study or get homework done, I will see it on their report card. If they have a bad report card, they have a consequence.

Anyway, I would think it better to have a mom who cares enough to make sure you get things are done rather than a mom who doesn't care at all. It sounds like the bigger issue for your is, that you don't feel like she considers your feelings or speaks to you in a way that makes you feel respected as a person. In that regard, it may be good to let her know that when she says "x,y,z" it makes you feel bad. Don't offer a criticism without a solution though. Tell her I'd like it better if you said "x,y,z" instead. If she's anything like the way my mother was growing up, she'll only take offense to criticism and make your life harder. So, be warned that this approach may not work.

Good luck kiddo.... childhood doesn't last forever.

I'll try those things you suggested, And So It Goes, thanks!

I think if mom asks you to do something around the house and you ask 'what is the purpose?" = that is talking back to your mother. I am sure she is not asking you anything weird like to go feed the giant colony of people that live underground beneath the shed and can't be exposed to light.

ps: ummmm, there might be menopause happening here too - google that and see if it applies. I find it super ironic in the life of humans that the mother's menopause happens right around the time when they have teenagers - that's a recipe for conflict.

that is extremely condescending. Who knows. The poster could be 15 and the mom could be 36 for all we know. My cousin who has teenagers is 40. She is not going through menopause and recently had a miscarriage. Not everything is to blame on a woman's hormones.

In reply to you, arjumand,

Sometimes, like any person on this earth, you're right, I have not done things quickly and promptly. However, most of the time I will be doing schoolwork and I will finish, say, the sentence I'm writing in part of an English paper, which can take a minute, so that I don't lose my thought (I have been known to do that). Regarding my priorities, I consider my grades just slightly more important than everyday tasks. I think the everyday things can wait a few minutes.

Also, thank you for seeming to assume that all teenagers who experience issues with their parents must be delinquents who find no value in work ethic or productivity. Much appreciated.

To wrap this reply up, in case you didn't know, the reason I posted this is because I want to FIX the problem, not neglect my work or relationship with my mother.

In reply to you, arjumand,

Sometimes, like any person on this earth, you're right, I have not done things quickly and promptly. However, most of the time I will be doing schoolwork and I will finish, say, the sentence I'm writing in part of an English paper, which can take a minute, so that I don't lose my thought (I have been known to do that). Regarding my priorities, I consider my grades just slightly more important than everyday tasks. I think the everyday things can wait a few minutes.

You get your everyday tasks out of the way, then you do your homework. If you know it is your job to set the table for dinner or feed the pets, you anticipate it and work around it --- you start homework early to be able to pause when its time to do said tasks and then you study for a block of time later.

It sounds like you are 'always just finishing a sentence, " though. Maybe you say to your mom "i will be right there. Just finishing the page".

axegrinder I can relate. Family members who are the controlling type and have an opinion on most things are annoying. Everything is done out of love, so talking about it with the person in question can lead to that individual feeling attacked.

The takeaway is this: Her attitude towards you / the way she acts is a reflection of how she sees herself. Here are two articles on this matter:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201709/is-your-mother-narcissistic-or-controlling

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-signs-your-mom-is-too-controlling-how-to-deal-with-it-36863

Understanding why she is behaving the way she is will make it easier to get along with her.

However, I am not a psychologist. Is there a counsellor or psychologist you could ask for help? A high quality trained specialist is better suited to help you with issues like this. :)

What is your age, and how long before you can move out?

axegrinder I can relate. Family members who are the controlling type and have an opinion on most things are annoying. Everything is done out of love, so talking about it with the person in question can lead to that individual feeling attacked.

 

The takeaway is this: Her attitude towards you / the way she acts is a reflection of how she sees herself. Here are two articles on this matter:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201709/is-your-mother-narcissistic-or-controlling

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-signs-your-mom-is-too-controlling-how-to-deal-with-it-36863

 

Understanding why she is behaving the way she is will make it easier to get along with her.

 

However, I am not a psychologist. Is there a counsellor or psychologist you could ask for help? A high quality trained specialist is better suited to help you with issues like this. :)

Honestly, what is happening in your house sounds like what happens in every household where the parents are loving, expect their teenagers to pull their weight with chores, and have teenagers that think they know so much better than the parents. Just get off your rear and take care of the stuff you don't want to do (making your bed, whatever other tasks that are yours in the home) before she has to ask - and then you are free to have your "me" time - to study, to read, to do whatever the rest of the time. Trust me. Stop giving her something to complain about.

I don't think mom has a psychological problem. She probably is just tired of sounding like a broken record.

abitbroken With all respect, I disagree. There is a difference between an assertive / authoritative mum and a controlling one. Whilst being a controlling mother is not a serious psychological issue, there are psychological reasons as to why someone behaves that way. From how the poster described her mum, it seems to me her mother fits the definition of a controlling mum.

Having said that, I am not a trained specialist nor do I actually know her mother, so my opinion is based on very limited information. :-)

You get your everyday tasks out of the way, then you do your homework. If you know it is your job to set the table for dinner or feed the pets, you anticipate it and work around it --- you start homework early to be able to pause when its time to do said tasks and then you study for a block of time later.

 

It sounds like you are 'always just finishing a sentence, " though. Maybe you say to your mom "i will be right there. Just finishing the page".

"you start homework early to be able to pause when its time to do said tasks and then you study for a block of time later." Tell me, is this not what I meant when I said, "I think the everyday things can wait a few minutes?" It's not like I said, "I think they can wait for a few hours, or a few days, or a few weeks." As to your suggestion to tell my mom what I'm actually doing, I think that is good advice and I will do that.

In response to you, catfeeder,

I am only 14, so it will be a while before I can move out so that I can get out of of her hair and she can get out of mine, unfortunately.

I'll try what you suggested, thanks for the advice :)

Are you an only child? Is she a single mom? It seems she's a helicopter parent and micromanaging you. She seems to want you to remain a small child. Try to explain your study schedules and reassure her whatever chores will be done. Other than that show maturity through responsibility.

I am only 14, so it will be a while before I can move out so that I can get out of of her hair and she can get out of mine, unfortunately.

Are you an only child? Is she a single mom? It seems she's a helicopter parent and micromanaging you. She seems to want you to remain a small child. Try to explain your study schedules and reassure her whatever chores will be done. Other than that show maturity through responsibility.

The higlighted is important. reassuring that you will get things done does not work without proof and a track record. I am not an only child and being told that i needed to do something happened in our household. There were things that were expected of us - cleaning our room, keeping an eye on the youngest while mom ran to the store or next door, helping make dinner if we were going to have a friend as a guest, picking up the yard, and if we were at the grandparents, setting the table. Not after we were done playing, but at the moment it was required - or really -- any time between when Grandma put the table cloth on and before everyone sat down. To avoid being told, we did it when Grandma put the table cloth out - we were in charge of counting how many utensils were needed. There could be a good hour between those two events so it behooved us to start early instead of pushing our luck.

The higlighted is important. reassuring that you will get things done does not work without proof and a track record. I am not an only child and being told that i needed to do something happened in our household. There were things that were expected of us - cleaning our room, keeping an eye on the youngest while mom ran to the store or next door, helping make dinner if we were going to have a friend as a guest, picking up the yard, and if we were at the grandparents, setting the table. Not after we were done playing, but at the moment it was required - or really -- any time between when Grandma put the table cloth on and before everyone sat down. To avoid being told, we did it when Grandma put the table cloth out - we were in charge of counting how many utensils were needed. There could be a good hour between those two events so it behooved us to start early instead of pushing our luck.

Absolutely, when we were raised doing chores was not at OUR convenience . It was do it.