Dumped because of infidelity 20 years ago

I'm probably one of the old lot on here now at 39!

I've just lost the love of my life. The woman I was going to propose to this month. We had only been together 8 months, but when you get to your late 30's you can cut through the chaff pretty quickly and get to a meaningful relationship. I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Our relationship had been great, no arguments, lots of fun, laughter and love. Only one issue existed between us, and it seems to have caused the relationship to end.

Not long after we started dating, we were out having drinks and we were talking lightly about past relationships and she asked me if I had ever been unfaithful. I wanted to be true to her so I was honest and said yes. She asked to know more and I described a time when I was 20 and I had been a idiot and cheated on my girlfriend at the time. I stressed that I regretted it and I have never even entertained the thought of doing that again. The idea of it is abhorrent to me. I've grown a huge amount as a person since then and am simply not the same guy. She reacted to this very badly, leaving the pub and crying outside before coming back in, and telling me she wished I'd lied. We managed to get past it though that night.

The relationship went on as normal, we shared many weekends and holidays away, fun nights out, cosy nights in, talked about a future together, and I was invited to share Christmas and New Year with her entire family and it was great. Even as recently as last week she was redesigning my garden to make it nicer for us in the summer.

It has reared it's head as a topic 2 more times since then, once on my birthday in Jan, when we nearly broke up over it as she was struggling with it again. She was so upset, kept saying why couldn't you have just lied. But we talked it through and moved on again, or so I thought. And then of course yesterday when it all ended. Every time it has come up I have been honest and shown true remorse, and been very supportive of her and how she is feeling.

I should add that the girl I cheated on all that time ago, is still friends with me. It took her years to forgive me and make contact with me, but we are fine with each other. She even helped me plan a trip to Wales for me and my girlfriend.

Sadly lats night she came to my house to have what I thought was going to be dinner and a nice night in, but it did not turn out that way. She told me she wanted to break up because she just can't get past my past and it is the only thing stopping her from committing to me fully. She loves me, wanted to be talking about having children with me instead of this break-up, but she can't trust me and thinks I will cheat on her. That was an incredibly hurtful thing to hear. She says she has talked to a psychologist about it to get help. But they must have not done much good!

The sad thing is that if you do just some simple googling on these sort of trust issues, all you will hear is the "once a cheater, always a cheater" lines. Which in my case, simply aren't true. If she has done any of that, or listened to any people burned like that before or with that prejudice, then it hasn't really helped her at all. I know that some of this stems from one of her past relationships which ended in 2016. She was engaged and the guy broke it off and ran off with one of her friends.

I don't want to lose this lady, only back on valentines day she made me a present of 100 reasons she why loves me. Once of them was that when she thinks about her future she only saw it with me. This can surely be saved, but I don't understand it and don't know what to do.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

Sorry to hear this. At least all this came out after only 8 mos dating. Who knows, maybe she was burned in the past (which could be why she asked this question) or she subscribes to the once a cheater train of thought. Or she was thinking of pulling the plug for a while for any variety of reasons and she chose this issue as the coup de grâce.

We had only been together 8 months. she asked me if I had ever been unfaithful. I wanted to be true to her so I was honest and said yes. She told me she wanted to break up because she just can't get past my past and it.

Immature and erratic. Ya dodged a bullet

She's naive and immature. Let her go; you are not a bad person for a mistake you made 20 years ago, which it sounds like you have since resolved. You have been too understanding. I would have said, "we've talked about it once and during that conversation I said I'd moved on from it years ago. You need to drop it, now."

I feel like this relationship - should it have continued - would have been plagued with communication issues.

I thought when i read the title that this must be a case where you cheated on HER 20 years ago and she can't get over it - which would be more understandable.

I am not going to say she is right or wrong but everyone is allowed to have their dealbreakers. And this is hers. She is absolutely entitled to have it. She is not immature or erratic -- she heard what happened, she probably tried to see if she could get past it -- and she broke up with you before the relationship went any farther.

I think this was probably the biggest over reaction I've read on here in awhile.

Your girlfriend sounds like a psycho. You admitted to having cheated on someone years ago, and she takes it so hard that she's outside of a pub crying?? I agree with jennylove. And the fact that she made you pay for it again on your birthday is just plain crazy.

I agree with how Pleasedonot would've handled it, but to be perfectly honest, I don't think I could've dealt with her after the bizarre crying outside the pub incident. I would've labeled her as drama and got the heck out of there.

Your (ex)girlfriend is entitled to feel however she feels, but I personally believe she is deeply insecure and completely over-reacted. Her telling you she wished you'd just lied is a big indicator of her emotional immaturity. It's also complete BS, because think of her reaction if you had lied and she had later discovered the truth! She would have gone postal.

If she can't let go of something that you did 20 years ago, imagine what life would look like for you if she thought you did something wrong to her. Think of how hard it would be then to try to work through a problem.

Honestly, it would be best to let her go. She has showed you she will judge you something fierce for your past and cannot fathom that people learn from their mistakes and change. In other words, she's not exactly a great candidate for a life partner. Life is full of big problems and rough patches. Her inability to think about this rationally and logically says a lot.

If you don't want to know, don't ask. Ask her if she likes her mates to lie to her, or tell the truth like you did, because she's clearly setting up a relationship where it's better to lie.

I'd say she really wasn't that invested in your relationship anyway (not surprising, 8 months is not that long). Either that, or she's a judgy basket case. I mean, give me an effin break. 20 years ago, you were much younger, less wise, and a completely different person. Literally. Most of the cells in your body have been completely replaced since then.

As I said, 8 months is not that long. I'd cut your losses. EVERY time something bad happens in your relationship she's gonna hold that over you forever.

If you want to save it, offer to go to a couple's counselor I guess. I wouldn't bother myself.

Shoot. You might as well date a woman 20 years younger if this is the kind of behavior and drama you'd aim to have in your life. At least get the trophy factor going for you. Lady full on left the pub to cry after learning you cheated on someone 20 years ago. Don't even need to read the rest. Wow.

Unfortunately, this is exactly why you need to date a person a whole lot longer than a mere 8 months before you proclaim that they are the one. No, age doesn't give you some special powers to see through people. This right now is the first time you are seeing her colors. At 8 months you are both still very much in the honeymoon stage and on your best behaviors, that only starts to drop....well....right about now and still not quite fully.

She has issues, you've triggered those issues enough for her to flip out and dump you. The fact that she wanted you to lie about it....that's a whole other can of worms and issues in and of itself. It's actually good that you didn't lie. Even better that you didn't propose. There appears to be a whole lot you don't actually know or understand about this woman, her issues and her temperament. Think on that a bit instead of fixating on how to get her back. Get who back? Do you really know that? If you are honest - no you don't.

The fact that she explicitly asked you this then when you answer honestly she tells you that she wished you had lied makes me think you dodged a bullet with this unstable person.

I am a pretty much zero tolerance person with this kind of stuff too. Anyone can have their preferences.

I personally think it is a much greater chance of wasting my time in a relationship if there past behaviors like this, and I would just prefer to move on to someone without those issues.

But that is something that needs to clear the air in the first few dates.

Waiting for 8 months and then starting to delve into potential relationship breaking conversations is very reckless.

Despite you feelings for her this issue shows that she has some red flag problems that are probably more prevalent than you realize.

Her reaction was over the top. It will be painful, but time to move on.

She wanting you to lie to her about the past? Is it possible that she had lied about her past to you and felt guilty, given her weird set of standards?

Just a thought.

An unmarried 20-year-old's behavior is a far cry from what you are today, almost 20 years later.

If she doesn't understand that? And how it has nothing to do with her!

Bullet dodged.

What she doesn’t understand is that people grow. You may love her doesn’t mean she’s the right person for you .

She is suffering from PTSD, and even hearing about something that happened over 20 years ago will trigger it. There is no way she is ready for a serious relationship.

IMO, even tho you regret telling her, it saved you from being with someone who isn't emotionally stable...nowhere near ready for a future.

Think about it...what if the came up after you got married. She would have made your life miserable, and the possibility of leaving the marriage. Like another poster said, you dodged a bullet. Marriage and raising a family is a huge step, and not worth taking a risk on someone who can't cope with something that didn't even happen to her, from 20 years ago.

Agree with everyone on here who says you dodged a bullet.

Yes, her feelings are her feelings—she's entitled to them. But, c'mon, you were 20! It's telling that you're now able to have a cordial relationship with the woman you cheated on—it's that kind of understanding of human reality, that capacity for forgiveness, that you need. What you got was someone who does not have a grip on her own issues, so she threw them in your face. Whatever it was that triggered her—maybe she was cheated on, maybe she hates herself for having cheated in the past—that's for her to deal with, not you to fix or accommodate.

I know it's hard. You love her, and see a future. But don't sugarcoat this moment; it's a harbinger of things to come. People show their full character when challenged, not when exchanging Valentines gifts, and she's shown you how she handles turbulence. That would make for an even rougher ride than you're on right now in due time.

For the record, you and I are the same age. I've cheated on people in the past, when I was a freaking mess, and I've never hid this from anyone. It's part of who I am, and part of how I've grown. If my past is someone's problem it means they can't see me in the present, and therefore they are not for me and I'm not for them. Simple.

I feel that some of the comments here are quite harsh on her.

For a woman to respond so intense to this on that date, doesnt mean she's unstable, just means she's been hurt like this before, so its very important to her

And whilst the comment 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is a generalization, its still often true, not saying you havent grown, just saying that its in most cases a truth.

Regardless of that, 8 months is not enough to know if this is the one person for you. Personally feel that it is more settling, rather than the one. Though its hard to know the difference when you're still in that early stage.

I dont think it is something she'll get past. But I dont feel its right for people here to be so harsh on her, after all, she's also just a person that has feelings and that doesnt mean she's an unstable 'bullet' to miss.

But I fear she may have been cheated on before and it devastated her. Not everyone can deal with cheating, even if the cheating wasnt done onto her.

I'm afraid you'll have to find a way to accept it and to move on.

Sorry mate, hope you find some way to close this down and move on

Sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama. She set you up to fail so she could punish you for the mistakes of her ex.

She wish you’d lied? What?!?

That’s crazy talk. If you don’t want the truth, you shouldn’t ask the question. If that was her dealbreaker she should have said “thanks but you’re not for me” not carried on and made a scene outside the pub.

I think you should consider yourself lucky to have escaped a miserable future with an insecure and emotionally unstable person.

I stressed that I regretted it and I have never even entertained the thought of doing that again. The idea of it is abhorrent to me. I've grown a huge amount as a person since then and am simply not the same guy.

The above is the reason she should have given you a pass, sought to understand, and moved forward with you.

You recognize that it was a bad thing to do. You were honest about it. You owned up to it, took responsibility for it, and are open to explaining that it's something you regret.

Gosh, I hate this for you. I so wish she'd have tried to talk to you about this further, to get more understanding, more communication. She'll be single for a long time if she needs every single thing to be perfect.

It's not like you blamed the other woman for your cheating, or blamed your ex at the time, or failed to take responsibility. You sound like a mature and thoughtful guy. Find a girl who appreciates that.

I'm wondering if you suddenly suffered a case of temporary insanity! Even if you're a cheater, you never admit you cheated in a relationship! Cheaters certainly won't. There's being honest, and being harshly HONEST.

On ENA we have seen post after post that as soon as someone admits to even sleeping with more people than the other person, the relationship is over. Both men and women can't get the image out of their minds that their partner may have slept with even one more person than they did. And cheating? As you pointed out, a lot of people believe that once a cheater always a cheater! And the fact that you're still friends with that girl -- that's why your ex blew up! She's still in your life.

So you and anyone reading this should keep in mind that you can be honest, but you don't have to tell your partner your whole dating and sexual history. I don't have much to brag about, but I've never told my wife about a couple of failed relationships I had (girls don't want to date a loser), and I don't correct her when she brings up that I only slept with a friend of mine once (I had told her it was several times, but I'm not going to keep reminding her). What am I, crazy?

In your case, you could have either denied cheating out of politeness and respect, or changed the answer to a promise that you would never cheat on your her and not directly answering her question.

I think the other posters calling her immature or crazy are missing several points. On ENA people have written in about how they couldn't accept their partner's past and broke up their relationships because of it, and the fact that you're still friends with the girl you cheated with and the suspicion you could cheat again. When people are in love, their emotions and logic revert to those of a teenager's, and even though you didn't cheat on her, she just couldn't get the image that you cheated at all out of her mind.

So when it comes to sparing the feelings of another person, keep in mind Emily Post's "little white lies." It is OK to tell a little white lie to spare another person's feelings. And in this case, when you're talking about something that happened 20 years ago when you were immature and stupid, it would have been OK to say, no, you had never cheated rather than to hurt your girlfriend in this way. Hopefully you will remember Emily Post in answering any future personal questions like this.

It's possible she was looking for a reason to break up - lots of 20 year old humans do stupid things. We do them and then we learn (and regret, and grow).

Ask her if she was perfect when she was 20...actually don't bother, just walk away.

^ Still friends with the girl he cheated ON.

I agree to keep your mouth shut especially with women. I learned to keep my sexual past to myself as it can be thrown in your face YEARS later - especially with insecure women.

OP - I don’t think this was about one incident though. What jumped out at me was her gift with the 100 reasons why she loved you. I’ve seen women do similar and they are not trying to convince you they are trying to convince THEMSELVES.

No hit on you at all - I just think she was having doubts and used this as a catalyst.

If she ever reaches out tell her you don’t want to be with someone who can’t let go of a past she wasn’t in. It’s not like you killed someone- and if she really loved you she could probably get past that and cheating.

^ Still friends with the girl he cheated ON.

 

I agree to keep your mouth shut especially with women. I learned to keep my sexual past to myself as it can be thrown in your face YEARS later - especially with insecure women.

 

OP - I don’t think this was about one incident though. What jumped out at me was her gift with the 100 reasons why she loved you. I’ve seen women do similar and they are not trying to convince you they are trying to convince THEMSELVES.

 

No hit on you at all - I just think she was having doubts and used this as a catalyst.

 

If she ever reaches out tell her you don’t want to be with someone who can’t let go of a past she wasn’t in. It’s not like you killed someone- and if she really loved you she could probably get past that and cheating.

Agree with this. Look, some people are more secure than others. Family, past, life choices, genetics—the reasons are numerous. Your ex is simply very insecure and that really has nothing to do with you. Probably part of what was so intoxicating about this love, especially given the short timespan, is that for a moment there you got to feel like the answer to all those insecurities.

Been there! It is drug-like! The trouble with those kind of highs, though, is there's always a comedown and, as you've learned, it's always harsh. Because insecurities like the ones you're dealing with have nothing to do with you, and will surface and surface and surface until they're properly addressed. I bet if you take off the rose-tinted glasses and look back over the eight months you'll see more than a few moments when these insecurities surfaced. Maybe they were subtle, maybe even "cute," maybe when you could erase them with a tiny gesture you felt really, really good.

But that's not sustainable. You're a 39-year-old man. Odds are you've lived a little, made some mistakes, learned from them. You're a human being, not a panacea to another's problems. I don't know what kind of culture you live in, but in my world if the greatest infraction of your past is cheating once at age 20 then you're basically a Boy Scout.

If I were you I'd use this time not to focus on reeling her back in—which, frankly, probably wouldn't be so hard, though you'll be in this same spot in a day or month or year—than on trying to figure out why you were drawn to someone who is insecure. Sort through that—your own insecurities are hiding in the answers—and you'll be in a more solid spot.

Yup, totally dodged a bullet.

Ridiculous reaction. The woman does not sound stable. You have dodged A LOT of drama.

I'm wondering if you suddenly suffered a case of temporary insanity! Even if you're a cheater, you never admit you cheated in a relationship! Cheaters certainly won't. There's being honest, and being harshly HONEST.

 

On ENA we have seen post after post that as soon as someone admits to even sleeping with more people than the other person, the relationship is over. Both men and women can't get the image out of their minds that their partner may have slept with even one more person than they did. And cheating? As you pointed out, a lot of people believe that once a cheater always a cheater! And the fact that you're still friends with that girl -- that's why your ex blew up! She's still in your life.

 

So you and anyone reading this should keep in mind that you can be honest, but you don't have to tell your partner your whole dating and sexual history. I don't have much to brag about, but I've never told my wife about a couple of failed relationships I had (girls don't want to date a loser), and I don't correct her when she brings up that I only slept with a friend of mine once (I had told her it was several times, but I'm not going to keep reminding her). What am I, crazy?

 

In your case, you could have either denied cheating out of politeness and respect, or changed the answer to a promise that you would never cheat on your her and not directly answering her question.

 

I think the other posters calling her immature or crazy are missing several points. On ENA people have written in about how they couldn't accept their partner's past and broke up their relationships because of it, and the fact that you're still friends with the girl you cheated with and the suspicion you could cheat again. When people are in love, their emotions and logic revert to those of a teenager's, and even though you didn't cheat on her, she just couldn't get the image that you cheated at all out of her mind.

 

So when it comes to sparing the feelings of another person, keep in mind Emily Post's "little white lies." It is OK to tell a little white lie to spare another person's feelings. And in this case, when you're talking about something that happened 20 years ago when you were immature and stupid, it would have been OK to say, no, you had never cheated rather than to hurt your girlfriend in this way. Hopefully you will remember Emily Post in answering any future personal questions like this.

Terrible advice.

I agree she's overreacted but it is what it is.