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Distant after being intimate... Help please - I'm going crazy


Jammy Biscuit

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Hey there! First time posting for advice. I've been on this site for a while as reading helped me deal with my break-up. 7 months following that I have new guy problems... Sorry for the essay in advance and grammar (I am dyslexic).

 

Let me set the scene. I broke up with my ex last September. Started dating again and met this new guy in December. We hit it off like a house on fire. Spent hours on the phone most nights and the first phase of dates were electric!

 

He was very keen and fully aware of my situation. As I've only ever had the one boyfriend and been intimate with only him. So he was in no rush to push for anything sexually. I just felt he was overly keen with the other aspects of dating.

 

He himself had his demons and was cheated on by his ex early last year. He has also lived his life way before that and done the whole casual sleeping around thing when in uni and wanted something settled and serious now and has been a "relationship guy" since finishing his degree 5 years ago.

 

In the early satges of us seeing each other, I pulled back out of fear as he was pushing for me going to work events, spending Valentine's together and very couple like things. There was a gap of like a month not seeing each other. Basically February. We still messaged frequently. He was clear on the fact he didn't want to be my rebound and how he didn't want to get hurt. So gave me the time to get myself together.

 

Once I finally got my head straight. I can fully say I'm not in love with my ex anymore but obviously have the fear of getting hurt still. Just this time around I was more open to getting to know someone and seeing what happens than I was in January. We started seeing each other again. That intial chemisty and fire was there. We get on so well neither of us can really believe it.

 

We started seeing each other regulay. I finally spent my first night with him. We didn't have sex but he was so affectionate and caring. It all felt so real and it was lovely. He is sweet and thoughtful.

 

Couple weeks later with dates in between. I finally stay over again and things become sexual. Now this was the beginning of April. Went to work the next morning and I was meant to go back that day but didn't have clean clothes for work so rescheduled for the next night. Spoke on the phone the night in between and he seemed fine. The next night we went out for dinner and went back to his. Stayed and it was again lovely and chilled. He said to me "it scares me how much I like you". I said I really like you too. By this point he is pushing for me to leave clothes over and how he wouldn't mind if I slowly move in. Which scared me! But I was happy for the sleepovers for now. As I was living in the moment.

 

Next day all is fine at work. Again messaging and all that jazz. Same for the next day which was a Friday. He was working that weekend too which coincided with my birthday weekend. So always knew it would be limited texting. To be fair we are more talk over the phone sort of people anyway.

 

Didn't think anything after the lovely week or over thought anything until now. I didn't want to come across needy. Didn't push to be more than what we were. He had the "exclusive talk" with me a while before when we started seeing each other again and he was the one who pushed for it as it was important to him what with being cheated on. We both agreed to be faithful but was in no rush to put a lable on it. I mean I've always held back on the "couple like" things he would suggest to do. As I didn't want him to think I'm pushing him for a relationship and in turn pushing him away. So thought we had an understanding of everything.

 

Back to my birthday weekend. He was out the Friday night. Didn't reply to my last mundane message or my cute snap. Which was fine as he was out and I was too. Next day he messsges about 4pm asking if I was excited for my bday the next day. I was just heading out and again didn't reply. Not to spite him just because I was out and busy too. I respect his space on a night out and he respects mine. So just so you guys get the picture it all was kinda normal. He messaged me on my actual bday. I'm hungover and busy with family that day. I said "thanks x" to his bday message and literally said that to all my mates and caught up with them after. He asked me if I got anything exciting for my bday which I replied to the next day. Again I was busy on the day and woke up late so replied after lunch. He replied to that a lot later but he knew I was out at a concert. He commented on what I got and said how he is stressed with work. I asked what's up on the way home that evening and he replied the next morning asking about my night and explains his work issues... This is where the downfall happens. I don't know if my distance on my bday weekend is to blame for it all! At the time I thought nothing of the messaging to be fair. He isn't my boyfriend and I didnt want to go overboard with messaging him constantly knowing we are both busy.

 

We were meant to spent the next weekend together for his bday though... I remember pushing him before to go out with his mates as I've never wanted to be a girl holding him back. He said he would rather spend it with me. Which again very sweet. So in hindsight maybe me being distant with him on my birthday was cruel?

 

A sum up of the "downfall" from the texting that day at work was... It started with me hinting for my hoodie to get back to be lazy in (in other words seeing him to be lazy with again) to him saying he'll post it as he is super busy with work if it's urgent. Which I know to be true as they fired two people (which upset him as they were his mates), he seemed stress and down so I asked if he wants me to pull away. He said yes!

 

I panicked and said how I felt a little used. As it felt I was fine for the good times just not the bad. He said that not to be the case. I explained how the week before meant a little to me. He said it ment a lot to him too. He said he freaks out when things get too serious and maybe he isn't ready to let anyone in. I never pushed to be anything more. I said how I enjoyed the silly dates and watching TV with him. I've never pushed for it to be serious but he has been the one all this time pushing. So it shocked me.

 

We continued talking about work and our "thing" he left me on "read" and that night in bed I was losing my mind. I sent him an essay. Yes classic crazy girl move. Which he replied to. Said how he doesn't just ghost people and needed time to digest everything. He just isn't happy with work and his career at the moment and just needs time. I followed with another essay saying how I'll happily be there for him like he was for me when I was confused. Also said how he doesn't need to keep comparing himself to my ex which he always did as he is 10 times the man - just to show how I went overboard crazy with that message. He read it and didn't reply.

 

A week later it's his bday. I message him happy bday. He replied to me the next day in the afternoon. I messsged to be nice and not expect anything from it. I sat on his message which was more than just thanks for 2 days. He said he hoped I was well etc. I replied and said I miss talking to him, after too many ccocktails. Drunk texting isn't the best, I know. Next day he replied saying how he missed talking to me too. But he has a lot of going on in his life at the moment. I replied and was left on read yet again.

 

I keep commenting on his snap stroies and he talks back instanlty backwards and forwards. Then it fizzles. He never messages me first and I'm the one chasing like a fool. I want to talk to him normally but scared to bring up the elephant in the room and I also need to get my stuff back. I know I need to stop this messaging or I'll push him away.

 

I obviously like him and like the no stress vibe we had of no labels and it being chilled before. Now things was going to get exciting and fun. I don't know if he is scared off thinking I want a relationship when that's not the case. I enjoy his company and now we have been intimate we can enjoy that side too. So I don't understand what's happening right now.

 

Please help with advice of how to deal with this bizzare situtaion. I'm becoming that crazy girl messaging him constantly. I would like to see him again hopefully in the way it was before my birthday weekend. But just don't know how to go about it.

 

Thanks for reading this long post and I look forward for your input x

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Sorry to hear this, but you both have legitimate concerns regarding your exes. It sounds like you both weren't ready to date. Only text him Once about when you want to go collect your stuff.

I broke up with my ex last September. He was clear on the fact he didn't want to be my rebound and how he didn't want to get hurt. I can fully say I'm not in love with my ex anymore but obviously have the fear of getting hurt still.
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Yeah, I don't think this had anything to do with the sex and it's not at all a bizzare situation, it's quite common. You were just out of a relationship, find a guy, fall for him he's afraid of being a rebound etc. Also , this guy has trust issues due to his ex.

 

You know what you need to do. Stop messaging him. It just hurt your ego too, the fact that he asked for distance. Let him miss you, let him think about it if there is anything to think about. If he wants to, he will come back, I promise. Work on yourself and any leftovers from the ex and forget about him til he sends his next text.

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Thanks Cope. I know it's hard to take. I've never been that girl relying on messages to make me happy. But this whole situation has left me feeling and seeking his attention. I just don't get why he would respond so fast once I message and bounce the messages back like nothing happened. Then go cold until the next time I message. Surely he should just not reply to me? I feel I'm in limbo.

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When someone cuts you out from their life when you're not ready, that's what happens. The more invested you were, the more it hurts. I'm actually going through something similar, I just learned (the hard way) not to get invested real fast, so it's not that bad.

 

As unfair as it seems, you don't need to know why; try not to think about it and write it off as a learning experience. Leave him alone and what will be, will be. You can't get into his head. He has his reasons for the way he's acting, you might never find out, you need to get your own closure! Hard, but that's what needs to happen!

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Ive stumbled across your story. Can see the overlap. Hope you do take time to heal from it.

 

I didn't think I got invested as much as I did. I kept him at arm's length and tried not to get too close.

 

I think it's left me so confused as he was the one pushing for way more in the beginning. Then to leave me hanging after being intimate. He knew that was a massive step for me. So to go all cold after really hurts. Sounds so silly but I didn't want the next guy I was intimate with after my ex to be a one time thing (well one week). He knew that and yet here I am. It defeats the purpose and feels like a one night stand.

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Guys who are mature and ready for a more serious relationship don't pull away after sex.

 

But I don't think this was necessarily about sex. You are both so afraid of dating that you push and pull each other away. A relationship can't develop under such circumstances. The moment when things started to become more serious, he bailed.

 

Now that he has told you to take space, I would consider it done. It's not the right time nor the right person, unfortunately.

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I don't think you were used and I think that your typing all your feelings out as you did was overwhelming to him in a negative way and made him want to keep his distance even more. It sounds like a typical scenario of two people dating for 3-4 months and then one realizing he or she is no longer interested in pursuing something long term. When he said he wanted space if it were me I'd have given him twice the space he seemed to need. I think some people need a bit of space after spending lots of time together and in a healthy relationship that just feels like typical ebb and flow and not dramatic at all. I don't think it's typical to pull away as he did in a healthy relationship. More typically that means the relationship is probably going to end or at least there will be a fairly significant length of time before the person wants to try to reconnect (if the other person is still available). People who want to be together choose maintaining the relationship over fear. I'm sorry this is disappointing. I'd stop crowding him with all the texting/social media contact.

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I know the next step is to leave him be...

 

I just feel partly to blame what with how I treated him over my birthday weekend. I just left him hanging on one word replies while he was having a terrible time with work. He was persuing a relationship for ages and I shot him down.

 

For me it wasn't serious to the point I wanted anything more. He was hinting about meeting parents and stuff. It wasn't me.

 

So I don't get why he flipped thinking it was serious. I felt used as the sex felt like a one time thing. Just thought it would have been a more regular thing and that's what I meant when feeling used the one week. He knew that and knew I wasn't ready to move in and play happy familes. So I don't get the fear of it being serious.

 

If it's well and truly over. How will I ever get my stuff back? He has stuff of sentimental value.

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I know the next step is to leave him be...

 

I just feel partly to blame what with how I treated him over my birthday weekend. I just left him hanging on one word replies while he was having a terrible time with work. He was persuing a relationship for ages and I shot him down.

 

For me it wasn't serious to the point I wanted anything more. He was hinting about meeting parents and stuff. It wasn't me.

 

So I don't get why he flipped thinking it was serious. I felt used as the sex felt like a one time thing. Just thought it would have been a more regular thing and that's what I meant when feeling used the one week. He knew that and knew I wasn't ready to move in and play happy familes. So I don't get the fear of it being serious.

 

If it's well and truly over. How will I ever get my stuff back? He has stuff of sentimental value.

I will start this off by saying that I have no idea what he is thinking, but I would respond exactly like he did (in fact my wife and I had a similiar issue we had to overcome).

 

When I met my wife I was a little too crazy for her, and I had to hold myself back a lot.

 

She was very worried about "being a clingy Gf" and made a effort to give me a ton of space, to the point of me questioning her interest.

 

I was playing down my attraction so she wouldn't run for the hills, and she was making too much of a point of giving me my own space.

 

So I started to close up, almost defensively, out of fear of her "giving me all the space in the world" was code for slowly breaking up with me or her disinterest.

 

So our relationship got into a bad spiral. This was also not long after we started having sex, so we had been dating for over a year at this point.

 

I actually realized that if this didn't stop we would break up. I saw no other possible outcome.

 

So I actually just went to her and told her how crazy about her I was and that I'm not actually ambiguous with me feelings, she then told me she was only trying to "play it chill" because she thought I would not stick around otherwise.

 

We were only 18 at the time but I'm glad we worked it out fine. Been together for 14 years now.

 

I don't know if this is how he is but his behavior reminded me of myself at that time.

 

It really could be that he was interested and your "giving him space" made him think you were not.

 

But that would really only be similiar if you are going out of your way a bit to show how "giving him space" you are when you are just overcompensating for trying to not get yourself emotionally invested yet.

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Honestly sounds like you both need more time to get over the respective ex baggage issues.

 

I think that you actually need to figure out what you actually want. If you want a relationship, then don't play so cool that you cool yourself right out of it. If you just want something fun and casual, don't assume the guy knows - be clear where you are at and act accordingly. Casual means that you can be casually dropped, so think long and hard if that's what you want for yourself.

 

As for this guy, I think you are done. Just text him to pick up your stuff and that's all. Whether he doesn't want you or he doesn't want to be dating at all right now, only he knows the truth. The only thing that matters to you here is that he was clear with you that he is not interested in seeing you again.

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I will start this off by saying that I have no idea what he is thinking, but I would respond exactly like he did (in fact my wife and I had a similiar issue we had to overcome).

 

When I met my wife I was a little too crazy for her, and I had to hold myself back a lot.

 

She was very worried about "being a clingy Gf" and made a effort to give me a ton of space, to the point of me questioning her interest.

 

I was playing down my attraction so she wouldn't run for the hills, and she was making too much of a point of giving me my own space.

 

So I started to close up, almost defensively, out of fear of her "giving me all the space in the world" was code for slowly breaking up with me or her disinterest.

 

So our relationship got into a bad spiral. This was also not long after we started having sex, so we had been dating for over a year at this point.

 

I actually realized that if this didn't stop we would break up. I saw no other possible outcome.

 

So I actually just went to her and told her how crazy about her I was and that I'm not actually ambiguous with me feelings, she then told me she was only trying to "play it chill" because she thought I would not stick around otherwise.

 

We were only 18 at the time but I'm glad we worked it out fine. Been together for 14 years now.

 

I don't know if this is how he is but his behavior reminded me of myself at that time.

 

It really could be that he was interested and your "giving him space" made him think you were not.

 

But that would really only be similiar if you are going out of your way a bit to show how "giving him space" you are when you are just overcompensating for trying to not get yourself emotionally invested yet.

 

I agree with this except I think your ex baggage caused you both to stifle your real selves. Go read your post, look how often you said , I didn't do this because I didn't want him to think...I didn't do that because I didn't want him to think... seems like neither one of you were really comfortable with one another.

 

I don't know what's going through his mind, nor do I think you 'chased' him away, as another poster said, mature men don't bolt after sex, it's tough to say what happened. I would leave it alone for a few days and see if he reaches out.

 

Good luck, I know you must be going crazy. Unfortunately when we're not emotionally whole, we tend to attract like minded people and your level of vulnerability is just magnified, you're living on pins and needles. No fun, but I do hope you two can work things out.

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Thank you all for your messages. I guess you are all right and I should accept my "playing it cool" attitude to of sent mixed signals.

 

Deep down I knew what I wanted and that was to actual date him and do all the couple things he suggested. But the second time around I didn't want to seem like the overly keen one so down played it. To my on loss.

 

I'll give it a week or two and ask for my stuff back.

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I agree with this except I think your ex baggage caused you both to stifle your real selves. Go read your post, look how often you said , I didn't do this because I didn't want him to think...I didn't do that because I didn't want him to think... seems like neither one of you were really comfortable with one another.

 

I don't know what's going through his mind, nor do I think you 'chased' him away, as another poster said, mature men don't bolt after sex, it's tough to say what happened. I would leave it alone for a few days and see if he reaches out.

 

Good luck, I know you must be going crazy. Unfortunately when we're not emotionally whole, we tend to attract like minded people and your level of vulnerability is just magnified, you're living on pins and needles. No fun, but I do hope you two can work things out.

 

Yes on reflection I do feel that my issues with my ex has caused me to close off. It was an emptionally abusive relationship where he kept me a secret from his family. I was scared to let go and this new guy was fully aware of that.

 

Again like you said he was vulnerable too. I was scared of hurting him in the beginning. So scared I pushed him away.

 

I know he needs space but other people have suggested pushing to meet up or talk over the phone. I don't want to smother him either. So I don't know what to do for the best.

 

As a large propprtion are saying it is over and I should just walk away. You hear so many other stories of people trying after situations like this and are still together to this day. So I'm confused and don't really know what to do right now for the best.

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I will start this off by saying that I have no idea what he is thinking, but I would respond exactly like he did (in fact my wife and I had a similiar issue we had to overcome).

 

When I met my wife I was a little too crazy for her, and I had to hold myself back a lot.

 

She was very worried about "being a clingy Gf" and made a effort to give me a ton of space, to the point of me questioning her interest.

 

I was playing down my attraction so she wouldn't run for the hills, and she was making too much of a point of giving me my own space.

 

So I started to close up, almost defensively, out of fear of her "giving me all the space in the world" was code for slowly breaking up with me or her disinterest.

 

So our relationship got into a bad spiral. This was also not long after we started having sex, so we had been dating for over a year at this point.

 

I actually realized that if this didn't stop we would break up. I saw no other possible outcome.

 

So I actually just went to her and told her how crazy about her I was and that I'm not actually ambiguous with me feelings, she then told me she was only trying to "play it chill" because she thought I would not stick around otherwise.

 

We were only 18 at the time but I'm glad we worked it out fine. Been together for 14 years now.

 

I don't know if this is how he is but his behavior reminded me of myself at that time.

 

It really could be that he was interested and your "giving him space" made him think you were not.

 

But that would really only be similiar if you are going out of your way a bit to show how "giving him space" you are when you are just overcompensating for trying to not get yourself emotionally invested yet.

 

A lot of it was to give him his own space. We used to gossip about his friends new relationship and how this girl he is seeing is suffocating him.

 

My ex suffocated me to the point where I wasn't allowed to go out to party or see old school friends if they were guys.

 

Literally wanted him to be happy in his own self and not overly do the texting and constant time together. As it was a very quality driven thing as together things were always amazing. We have never bickered or anything.

 

Again the playing it cool was slightly fear based too. I didn't want to push him away with being needy. Neither did I want to dive all in out of fear of getting hurt. But everyone I've spoken to post breakup. No matter how many relationships they've had said there is always an element of fear of getting hurt.

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Jammy B, if you're up to it, I invite you to search my thread history; I created a thread back in October 2016 called "The Great Pretenders" discussing being "the cool girl" and essentially "pretending" to be someone you're not, out of fear of appearing too "needy" or whatever.

 

Turned out to be a very long thread, lots of posters chimed in; it was a great discussion with great insights from many!

 

Really helped me a lot, and quite a few others as well from what they shared with me.

 

Check it out, maybe it will help you too! :D

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Jammy B, if you're up to it, I invite you to search my thread history; I created a thread back in October 2016 called "The Great Pretenders" discussing being "the cool girl" and essentially "pretending" to be someone you're not, out of fear of appearing too "needy" or whatever.

 

Turned out to be a very long thread, lots of posters chimed in; it was a great discussion with great insights from many!

 

Really helped me a lot, and quite a few others as well from what they shared with me.

 

Check it out, maybe it will help you too! :D

 

Thank you so much for highlighting this page. Started reading through it now.

 

Honestly I need to stop playing it cool and embrace what is there in front of me.

 

2 of my close friends were fully aware that I liked him and was pushing him away trying to play it cool. I never wanted to be needy like my ex was with me.

 

It was easy to fall for all he had to offer me that my ex couldn't. Basically a shared life and being a part of it all with him. I never wanted to dive in for the sake of him giving me all that. So yes I played it cool as it would have been easier to of been needy and take all he was giving me and suffocating him.

 

Yes it's clear I didn't know what I wanted at the time. But looking back I know now and it cost me the potential for that to all blossom.

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Jammy B what I've learned and still learning since creating that thread is that it's a "balance."

 

You always want to be "real" and genuine while at the same time learning to contain certain emotions, like anxiety and insecurity, at least in very early stages as these are your crosses to bear and resolve within yourself.

 

But maintaining appropriate boundaries is crucial, as is being true to yourself and what *you* want and not becoming some chameleon, twisting yourself into the type of woman the particular man you're dating wants you to be.

 

I will say it's not so easy finding that right balance; I've made tons of mistakes (well not actually mistakes cause I learn from everything I do) but in retrospect things I would have done differently.

 

It's all a journey, a beautiful journey, learning, growing, evolving.

 

Re pulling away, my experience is that men do pull away from time to time, so have I for that matter, perhaps for different reasons though.

 

When it happened, I left them alone (contained my anxiety) and they always returned, I was happy to hear from them and we picked up where we left off.

 

This happened in the early stages, as they (we) were moving closer to each other.

 

These early dating experiences turned into long term relationships lasting for YEARS!

 

I've learned to understand the dance of push/pull. Many view push/pull as a negative, and when too much it is!

 

Again it's a balance as you both go through the process of moving towards/closer to each other.

 

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you! :D

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Jammy B what I've learned and still learning since creating that thread is that it's a "balance."

 

You always want to be "real" and genuine while at the same time learning to contain certain emotions, like anxiety and insecurity, at least in very early stages as these are your crosses to bear and resolve within yourself.

 

But maintaining appropriate boundaries is crucial, as is being true to yourself and what *you* want and not becoming some chameleon, twisting yourself into the type of woman the particular man you're dating wants you to be.

 

I will say it's not so easy finding that right balance; I've made tons of mistakes (well not actually mistakes cause I learn from everything I do) but in retrospect things I would have done differently.

 

It's all a journey, a beautiful journey, learning, growing, evolving.

 

Re pulling away, my experience is that men do pull away from time to time, so have I for that matter, perhaps for different reasons though.

 

When it happened, I left them alone (contained my anxiety) and they always returned, I was happy to hear from them and we picked up where we left off.

 

This happened in the early stages, as they (we) were moving closer to each other.

 

These early dating experiences turned into long term relationships lasting for YEARS!

 

I've learned to understand the dance of push/pull. Many view push/pull as a negative, and when too much it is!

 

Again it's a balance as you both go through the process of moving towards/closer to each other.

 

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for you! :D

 

Thank you so much for this message.

 

Gives me some insight into the pulling away aspect of it all. As I know most people see it as the be all end all.

 

I guess I'll give him space. Work on myself and my own anxieties. Then see how it goes. If nothing happens. Then so be it. I'll message to her my stuff back and it will be the end of that.

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