Contact a former colleague. Yay or nay?

I have a crush on a guy I was working with part time. He's 38, I'm 26. We were pretty friendly, nice conversations but never really got on a personal level (I could telI he was into me). So now my problem is he left the job (or was fired idk) and we didn't get to see each other again. Now I wonder if it's possible for me to contact him or if it would just seem weird, stalkish. Better yet how would you feel about it? On a side note I know his email address b/c we received group emails from work, so that would be my only means of contact. Happy to hear any thoughts.

You should find out first if he was fired or just left because based on his circumstances for leaving the job he may or may not reply to your email. Plus if he was fired it might be nicer for you to say something like how are you doing, do you want to talk, something like that.

I don’t see why not. If he likes you, I’m sure the text would be welcomed. It’s not stalkerish as long as you keep it basic. “Hey, how are things?” Is different than “hey, I miss you and can’t stop thinking of you. Please respond as I can’t get you out of my head”. See what I mean?

I would like to find out just out of curiosity but I dont know how without contacting him. People at work seem to be pretty clueless about anything and confused as to why I would even want to know about a former co-worker. But what does the reason he left got to do with him replying or not? I see it would give me something to say to him but he might as well wonder why do I even care since we barely knew each other.

I don’t see why not. If he likes you, I’m sure the text would be welcomed. It’s not stalkerish as long as you keep it basic. “Hey, how are things?” Is different than “hey, I miss you and can’t stop thinking of you. Please respond as I can’t get you out of my head”. See what I mean?

I feel like the sheer randomness of it would be awkward as I didn't have personal contact to him before. We weren't that close. It gives me a stalker vibe b/c it's like I would basically follow him from work, just virtually. Strangely enough I would be more comfortable being direct than pretending I just want to catch up and chat, especially since he's not a boy around my age but close to 40.

I think it's fine -come up with an excuse. I married my former colleague (although we dated when we were coworkers). We started dating again when he was 38 so I say go for it!

I don't think you have anything to lose by reaching out, saying you heard he left the job and you hope all is well with him.

I'd keep my mouth shut about him to coworkers and consider it my private business.

Fingers crossed for you.

First of all thanks to the few people who even cared to give their advice. I just wanted to add for better understanding of my concerns that I am generally pretty insecure and therefore had awkward moments with said coworker where I ignored him to hide my true feelings or other misunderstandings inbetween being friendly/flirty (cause I felt ashamed). Leaving just a general feel of awkwardness between us. Last interactions I was extra friendly though but I wonder if these ups and downs ruined my chances with him. I'm worried he thinks I'm too difficult or unstable even if there's mutual attraction and contacting him now would just make me seem crazy.

I would contact him under the guise of "hey, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye at work after you left. I hope you are doing well. " See if he responds. See if he asks you out for coffee. If not, don't push it. he may just have liked you as a coworker and that is all. AS LONG as he was not let go for disciplinary reasons (embezzlement, drunk on the job). An employer won't tell you most likely why he was let go. but you may get the sense if it was because things were slow or it was something that didn't have to do with an error on his part.

But more honestly, i think the age gap is an issue. The age normally wouldn't be -- but with you younger AND so insecure, its not a good mix.

I would contact him under the guise of "hey, I didn't have a chance to say goodbye at work after you left. I hope you are doing well. " See if he responds. See if he asks you out for coffee. If not, don't push it. he may just have liked you as a coworker and that is all. AS LONG as he was not let go for disciplinary reasons (embezzlement, drunk on the job). An employer won't tell you most likely why he was let go. but you may get the sense if it was because things were slow or it was something that didn't have to do with an error on his part.

 

But more honestly, i think the age gap is an issue. The age normally wouldn't be -- but with you younger AND so insecure, its not a good mix.

The thing is I'm not even sure if I'm not the reason he left or at least part of it. That he's relieved not to see me again. Just imagining it as a possibility makes me feel so embarrassed if I were to contact him. I guess the common theme of shame and fear of rejection is evident. I'm only like this when I have a crush on someone and really care for them. Not that I am naive and immature.

Why would it be a bad mix? He's a sweet decent guy and I am a grown woman after all, not early 20s anymore. Even boys my age are too immature for me most of the time. Only thing could be that he feels weird about that age difference. I remember he was taken aback a little when I told him(I was 24 then). There still was this spark between us and such a comfortable familiarity(when it wasn't awkward).

The thing is I'm not even sure if I'm not the reason he left or at least part of it. That he's relieved not to see me again. Just imagining it as a possibility makes me feel so embarrassed if I were to contact him. I guess the common theme of shame and fear of rejection is evident. I'm only like this when I have a crush on someone and really care for them. Not that I am naive and immature.

 

Why would it be a bad mix? He's a sweet decent guy and I am a grown woman after all, not early 20s anymore. Even boys my age are too immature for me most of the time. Only thing could be that he feels weird about that age difference. I remember he was taken aback a little when I told him(I was 24 then). There still was this spark between us and such a comfortable familiarity(when it wasn't awkward).

you are far too insecure. its not the years per se that are the problem. you are acting like a love sick teenager "what if he doesn't want to hear from me again??"" It does't come across as very mature. In fact, if a younger person talks about "how mature they are" - to hear themselves say it they may not be. If you contact him, you have to not care which way it goes. I honestly would take a deep breath and do nothing right now. With him not around, you could say "what was i thinking?" about him. wait a few days - a week - and if you think you can handle it send him a message "Hi, didn't get a chance to say goodbye before you left. Hope you are doing well" and that's it. You may find he is not who you thought he was if he complains and es about the job, he might just say "fine thanks" or say nothing. If it goes nowhere - he knows how to contact you if he wanted to. Do you know if he has a wife or girlfriend, btw?

Could be really awkward if he's already in a relationship.

you are far too insecure. its not the years per se that are the problem. you are acting like a love sick teenager "what if he doesn't want to hear from me again??"" It does't come across as very mature. In fact, if a younger person talks about "how mature they are" - to hear themselves say it they may not be. If you contact him, you have to not care which way it goes. I honestly would take a deep breath and do nothing right now. With him not around, you could say "what was i thinking?" about him. wait a few days - a week - and if you think you can handle it send him a message "Hi, didn't get a chance to say goodbye before you left. Hope you are doing well" and that's it. You may find he is not who you thought he was if he complains and es about the job, he might just say "fine thanks" or say nothing. If it goes nowhere - he knows how to contact you if he wanted to. Do you know if he has a wife or girlfriend, btw?

I see what you mean but I wasn't trying to prove how mature I am just wanted to make it clear that I'm usually not this immature since you brought it up. It's just these intense feelings I have making me act this way. I think it's not a matter of maturity but personality whether you're insecure or not. I assumed everyone gets somewhat insecure and a little silly when they're infatuated. How could I "not care which way it goes" if I'm basically in love with him and he's the only man I'm interested in for years? It's not just simple attraction you know. It's already been more than 2 months since I saw him last and I don't know if he's with somebody, he never mentioned it anyway.

Could be really awkward if he's already in a relationship.

Awkward for me or how do you mean? Why would it be more awkward if I didn't know?

I see what you mean but I wasn't trying to prove how mature I am just wanted to make it clear that I'm usually not this immature since you brought it up. It's just these intense feelings I have making me act this way. I think it's not a matter of maturity but personality whether you're insecure or not. I assumed everyone gets somewhat insecure and a little silly when they're infatuated. How could I "not care which way it goes" if I'm basically in love with him and he's the only man I'm interested in for years? It's not just simple attraction you know. It's already been more than 2 months since I saw him last and I don't know if he's with somebody, he never mentioned it anyway.

You should ONLY contact him if you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is 1) he is glad you contacted him and asks you out on a date 2) He never messages you back 3) He says "thanks for thinking of me. All is well" and that's it. 4) He tells you "i'd love for you to meet my girlfriend."

If you feel you will be SHATTERED if he responds in any other way besides "I'd love to take you to dinner" then you shouldn't contact him.

The other danger is you have built him so far up in your mind that if he's not what he's cracked up to be.

I think if you are in your mid 20s, that you need to get out more, you need to find ways to expand your social network if he is the only one you have been interested IN YEARS. You are in your prime. You are not 50 wading through thrice divorced men, men with ex baggage, men who are merely separated, Widowers who feel its "too soon to date". There are tons of men 30 and under never married, no ex baggage, no kids looking for a sincere relationship. The field of men for you to date, being that you have never been married is very large. You need to go for coffee dates with a variety of men so that you are not fixated and you can pick and choose.

I see what you mean but I wasn't trying to prove how mature I am just wanted to make it clear that I'm usually not this immature since you brought it up. It's just these intense feelings I have making me act this way. I think it's not a matter of maturity but personality whether you're insecure or not. I assumed everyone gets somewhat insecure and a little silly when they're infatuated. How could I "not care which way it goes" if I'm basically in love with him and he's the only man I'm interested in for years? It's not just simple attraction you know. It's already been more than 2 months since I saw him last and I don't know if he's with somebody, he never mentioned it anyway.

you are not in love!!! You are infatuated. If he was interested in you - he would have talked to you at work finding out what you liked to do in your spare time, find out where you like to go, etc. If he was really interested, in 2 months he would have sent a note making sure you had his number.

you are not in love!!! You are infatuated. If he was interested in you - he would have talked to you at work finding out what you liked to do in your spare time, find out where you like to go, etc. If he was really interested, in 2 months he would have sent a note making sure you had his number.

I second this post.

You should ONLY contact him if you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is 1) he is glad you contacted him and asks you out on a date 2) He never messages you back 3) He says "thanks for thinking of me. All is well" and that's it. 4) He tells you "i'd love for you to meet my girlfriend."

 

If you feel you will be SHATTERED if he responds in any other way besides "I'd love to take you to dinner" then you shouldn't contact him.

 

The other danger is you have built him so far up in your mind that if he's not what he's cracked up to be.

 

I think if you are in your mid 20s, that you need to get out more, you need to find ways to expand your social network if he is the only one you have been interested IN YEARS. You are in your prime. You are not 50 wading through thrice divorced men, men with ex baggage, men who are merely separated, Widowers who feel its "too soon to date". There are tons of men 30 and under never married, no ex baggage, no kids looking for a sincere relationship. The field of men for you to date, being that you have never been married is very large. You need to go for coffee dates with a variety of men so that you are not fixated and you can pick and choose.

I appreciate the advice but this is more easily said than done. I have a hard time getting to know people in general and not many show interest to get to know me. I'm not easily infatuated either these days. Last time I liked a guy was in high school. So when I finally happen to meet someone I click with, who has all the traits I desire, I can't just get over it like it's nothing. Regardless of my crush, caring mature men like him that still have boyish charm and humor are hard to come by. I've known him for about 2 years now and my feelings never stopped. Everyone else I meet just pales in comparison and makes me wish it was him. Unfortunately I can't just turn a switch and forget him. I know I have to get comfortable with the worst possible outcome if I'd contact him, which is being ignored completely. At least that way I'd know he really doesn't care(the connection I felt was more in my head) and it would still leave him the option to contact me in case he changes his mind. But as I said my actual problem is appearing like a stalker and fear of rejection. It's already hard for me to let down my guard and show feelings, always trying to act cool. The embarrassment I would feel exposing myself like that only to get rejected. That's why I wanted to know how it looks from a distance and how others would react in my situation.

you are not in love!!! You are infatuated. If he was interested in you - he would have talked to you at work finding out what you liked to do in your spare time, find out where you like to go, etc. If he was really interested, in 2 months he would have sent a note making sure you had his number.

We did have personal talks like that about hobbies and such otherwise I wouldn't get to feel so familiar but we just didn't get to see each other too often b/c it was only part time job with different work hours and we didn't really work together like in a team but only got to talk before and after work unless we passed each other by accident. Sometimes we saw each other only few times a months. Since he was kind of shy and reserved around me most of the time I can imagine how he would be too ashamed to contact me too even if he would like to. We are kind of similar in that way which is why I got into this dilemma to begin with. When I first started working there he asked for my nr so he can add me to a whatsapp group of collegues but quickly got embarrassed and retracted by saying "not that you think I just made it up to get your nr. b/c I want to stupidly hit on you, there's really a group, if you dont want you dont have too etc." which made it clear he's bashful and careful about such things as well. Only thing I know for sure is that he seemed happy to see me and attracted. It looked like he had a crush on me too by the way he smiled at me and his eyes lit up when he saw me etc.

You have nothing to lose except for a fantasy. He isn't in your life now, and if you don't reach out, he'll never be in your life. So the only way to potentially change that null is to reach out, say hello, ask how he's doing and see of he responds. If not, you can move your focus forward, and of he does respond, you can let us know if you'd like some help in how to reply.

Beyond that, speculation is a waste of your time and energy.

You have nothing to lose except for a fantasy. He isn't in your life now, and if you don't reach out, he'll never be in your life. So the only way to potentially change that null is to reach out, say hello, ask how he's doing and see of he responds. If not, you can move your focus forward, and of he does respond, you can let us know if you'd like some help in how to reply.

 

Beyond that, speculation is a waste of your time and energy.

I think you're right. I have only two choices contact him and see what happens or dont even try. I looked at it in a different light and realized there really isn't any harm in asking him if he's fine, why he left since we did have some level of contact, asking how each other is doing before and probably it would just seem friendly or curious not particularly weird. I mean there really isn't a clear indication I have a crush just because I check up on someone. As long as I keep it light/casual.

Are you still talking about this? You haven’t contacted him yet? Call him today! It’ll be great!

Stop procrastinating and contact him. Life can be short with many regrets and missed opportunities. Let us know how you go.

Hey, guys. So I contacted him, asking how he's doing and suggested he can add me on whatsapp. He wrote back per email pretty fast asking me out for a coffee the next day(he kind of announced he's going to text me on whatsapp now so I can let him know time and place). We met, it went well. Mostly talked about work and why he left but it was nice. Since we met spontaneously during my lunch break(he had a free day) we only had about 30 min and I had to rush back. I ran a little late because we were in deep conversation and I forgot to watch the time. He walked me back to my station and while saying goodbye he leaned in and rubbed my arm, saying it was nice, to send his regards to rest of collegues and suggesting to let him know if we go out after work for a beer or smth else so he can come along if he got time or we could go for a walk at the lake nearby. We kind of lingered a bit and kept looking at each other smiling like neither of us wanted to leave. Later I texted him "Hey, it was really nice. Would like to repeat it some time soon.", he didn't reply. I wonder if he doesn't know what to answer to that without sounding silly or thinks it doesn't require an answer? Maybe he's not used to casual texting. He also took his time to text me first on whatsapp as if he wasn't sure how, writing something almost formal like he does at the end of his emails.Grettings (his name). Might be an age thing too. I assume he's just going to contact me when he got time to meet up again?

I assume he's just going to contact me when he got time to meet up again?

Glad to hear you contacted him. Sounds promising. I wouldn't forget that he asked you to let him know when you and coworkers will be meeting. Otherwise, I'd pull back just enough to see whether he initiates any contact any time soon. I'd make room for the idea that he wants to learn whether you're just being a kind coworker by inquiring about him versus someone who is interested in him. If he goes a week or longer without contact, you may want to invite him to share a drink with you (as opposed to inviting him to a group thing.)

Stay in touch with us and let us know how things go, and good for you!

Head high.