Human Addiction.

I was in a sexual relationship with a man for over eight years. He could never commit to me, and he was always honest about that aspect of himself. He has never been emotionally committed to anyone. And already the readers are asking, "What the hell is this female thinking?" It continued as a long distance issue after he left the city. We only saw each other once or twice a year, and he was very possessive of me and my time while he was away. He never wanted me to date anyone else, and of course, I was still well aware of his open lifestyle. I would go several months committed to a man, and then eventually end it, because I felt I wanted this unattainable relationship more than anything else.

I have always thought of it as a type of addiction. I knew it was only temporary satisfaction: but I craved it. I had to learn to say no, and I had to say no in order to truly care for myself.

One year ago, I finally made the decision to cut him out of my life. His close friend called me one evening and informed me, "We have been in a relationship for years, but you can still have sex with him if you want." I somehow managed to deal with the random girls he slept with. But the realization that he was putting his "friend" in the same mentality I had been dealing with for eight years, made me hate myself. It was like looking in a mirror. I was loving someone that could not do the same in return. So I told him it was over: he responded with anger and resentment, and we have not spoken since.

I recently tried dating again. The men I have spent time with are very attractive, and we have a lot in common. But I feel completely numb. Nothing about my actions with other men feel natural to me.

I live in one of the biggest cities in the United States. I do not use social media or location settings. And my ex has managed to show up at every single venue, bar or restaurant that I have been to over the past few months. Is the Universe telling me to not leave the house until I am over him? At this point it is like a cruel joke.

You would think that a year of focusing on myself would have brought healing: but I feel like I am still at day one with my emotions. I meditate, focus on my health, and work 40 hours a week. It is not like I do not have distractions.

At this point, I am looking for suggestions. I have thought openly about therapy. I do not want to feel like a robot when it comes to possible relationships. And I do not want to feel so weak to someone that I am no longer involved with. I need advice from men and woman who have struggled with moving on.

If he is showing up every place. He is tracking you somehow . I would ditch your phone and get a new one . If you have a car check it for a tracker .

This is over the span of several months time. I wasn’t driving my car during any of these occasions, and I have gotten a new phone since we stopped speaking. It is merely a coincidence. That’s why I referenced the universe, lol.

What kind of a person calls you to tell you "you can still sleep with him if you want"? Huh? Weirdo! I like that instead of taking the route of "we must belong together" when seeing him out (like most people would think), that you say maybe you shouldn't leave the house until you are over him. You should definitely leave the house, but maybe just leave if you see him somewhere, lol!

You need to get therapy to understand you self esteem and trust issues. You continued with this non relationship, because you knew that he would never commit.

This is all about you. Stop dating and work on yourself. Give it about a year.

Do you have many friends?

I don't think it's important to label this as an addiction - if it is. What's important is you made the choice to stop having sex with him or being involved with him. The rest is just details. If he's in the same public place as you it will be awkward but you have to keep a physical distance and don't "go there". As far as being attracted to available men yes, some therapy might help or some really good books on the subject. Good for you for leaving!

Very true.

Thank you for responding, guys.

You need to get therapy to understand you self esteem and trust issues. You continued with this non relationship, because you knew that he would never commit.

 

This is all about you. Stop dating and work on yourself. Give it about a year.

 

Do you have many friends?

I’ve analyzed that aspect of it too. But honestly I don’t really feel it was the fact that I was scared of commitment. I wanted him to commit. I thought maybe if I waited, that one day he would choose me. Which was just as bad, really!

I have a few very close friends, of ten plus years.

I’ve analyzed that aspect of it too. But honestly I don’t really feel it was the fact that I was scared of commitment. I wanted him to commit. I thought maybe if I waited, that one day he would choose me. Which was just as bad, really!

 

I have a few very close friends, of ten plus years.

If you wanted commitment, you would have bailed as soon as he told you he was incapable of commitment. You should be honest with yourself, if you want a future with anyone.

I suggest you expand your social circle.

I don't think it's important to label this as an addiction - if it is. What's important is you made the choice to stop having sex with him or being involved with him. The rest is just details. If he's in the same public place as you it will be awkward but you have to keep a physical distance and don't "go there". As far as being attracted to available men yes, some therapy might help or some really good books on the subject. Good for you for leaving!

It’s been difficult, but I’ve kept my distance.

I actually completely avoided him in those situations. Ignoring him is something I didn’t think I would ever do. Slow progress, I guess.

If you wanted commitment, you would have bailed as soon as he told you he was incapable of commitment. You should be honest with yourself, if you want a future with anyone.

Interesting point. I will have to look into that perspective. It makes sense that I would have turned around and left the moment I realized he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I just assumed I fell for him so hard, that I kept a false hope.

Interesting point. I will have to look into that perspective. It makes sense that I would have turned around and left the moment I realized he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I just assumed I fell for him so hard, that I kept a false hope.

No. He told you what he was capable of. You had all of the info. He was safe for you, as he was unavailable.

I strongly suggest therapy and baggagereclaim.com It will help you address you emotional unavailability. Helped me.

It’s been difficult, but I’ve kept my distance.

I actually completely avoided him in those situations. Ignoring him is something I didn’t think I would ever do. Slow progress, I guess.

Good for you for keeping your distance. Even if it took a while, it’s good that you’re doing it now.

He is preying on your vulnerabilities. He knows that he can use you for a good time but not promise anything more and that you are indeed addicted to it and will come crawling back.

But what you're doing is allowing yourself to be a slave to this and won't be able to have a decent relationship that could be fulfilling and loving. You aren't giving that to yourself.

You are still stuck on the cycle of wanting what you can't have.

And yes, it can be addicting. You need to be stronger than it though and be reasonable. What does this man actually have to offer you? Does this man even respect you? Why are you so drawn to the drama of it instead of a good and loving committed relationship? Why are you addicted to the unattainable? Do you feel worthy of more?

This comes down to something on the inside and you needing to ask yourself some serious questions. Therapy would help you uncover these answers.

You have taken the step to posting on here because you know something is wrong. I hope you are strong enough to continue to find the answers so you will be done with this situation for good and will finally allow yourself some actual happiness with a man who wants to give you loyalty and commitment.

Only you can change your path.