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Thread: Grief and pregnancy -- have i made a mistake??

  1. #1

    Grief and pregnancy -- have i made a mistake??

    Hello! I'm in a bit of a funk and could use some advice or support.

    Almost three years ago I lost my mom to a terrible, horrific battle with cancer. She was only 52, and it was gut-wrenching to see what the cancer did to her young, healthy body. She was my best friend in the world and an amazing mother. And sadly, our family has fallen apart without her.

    The grief was unbearable for a long time, but I was slowly getting a bit better and life was becoming somewhat enjoyable again. That is until I got pregnant.

    At 35, I'm no spring chicken, and my husband (37) and I figured it was time to start our family. He is the most amazing, supportive man out there, by the way.

    What I didn't expect, however, is how my grief would escalate to unbearable levels. Worse than at any point before! I miss my mom so much and need her now as I start this scary journey. The pain is so deep and pervasive that I can barely function, and I'm scared to death that I am too broken to be a mom. The thought of having a child gives me hope for the future for the first time, but I also worry that I've unleashed terrible emotions and feelings by becoming a mother without a mom and that it was a mistake for my health and the health of my husband and baby :(



    (I should also note that I lost my beloved grandma when she was only 60 to an equally horrific form of cancer, and I'm dealing with unresolved issues from that.)

  2. #2
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    Schedule an appointment with your PCP/Ob-Gyn ASAP (do not wait for the next scheduled check-up), and get screened for peripartum depression.

  3. #3
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    Please see a grief counseler.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I want to give you a ((hug))

    I just lost my mom to cancer at the age of 83. So I totally understand how intertwined your experiences would be and the grief that goes along with it. I am not going to tell you there won't be difficult times. Those times you wish you had your mom there for support and the fact that she'll never know her grand kids.

    But you do it anyway. You don't deny yourself the joy of having a family of your own.

    You move forward knowing that that's what your mother would want and that's what would bring her joy.
    You raise your child similar to how you were raised and thank you mother for giving you the tools to do so. You do it in her honor.
    Making that decision to have children is sometimes scary. Imagining your mom not there to support you makes it real.
    But you can do this.

    Don't worry that you are broken.
    This milestone in your life is bound to bring things back up to the surface and it's probably just caught you a little off guard.
    It's too be expected.

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  6. #5
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    My brother still feels a bit sad when he looks at his kids and thinks about how our mother never got to see any of them because she passed away before they were born. My cousin too.

    It is normal, but if you're feeling conflicted about the pregnancy itself it would be a good idea to let your doctor know.

    BTW, I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but I am comforted when I think about my mother looking down on my children from the hereafter and seeing how wonderful they are.


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