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Have I been ghosted?


Dobby896

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Hey there,

 

I met a guy on Tinder and we had an excellent first date, we really hit it off and chatted for hours. Anyway, we ended up sleeping together, something which I now regret but he insisted that I stayed the night and the next morning we hung out together for a couple of hours before I left. We parted on really amicable terms and both said "Ill talk to you later"

 

So later that evening (about 12 hours later) I sent him a message which read "I had a good laugh with you last night! Give me a shout during the week if you're free to meet for a coffee/drink" and now over 48 hours later, he still hasnt responded and Im worried that Ive been ghosted. Did that message warrant a response or not?

 

I know that I may sound like Im being dramatic and probably a psycho but the thought that Ive been used for sex cuts very deeply with me for several reasons and I really liked this guy and thought we had great chemistry.

 

Do you think I should send another message later on in the week that would warrant a response i.e. "How's the beer brewing going" (because he told me he was buying a home brewing set over the weekend) and if I dont get a response to that then I will definitely know he's not interested, which is fine but it would be nicer to be told rather than ignored.

 

Thank you

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The problem is the people who would care enough to do us the courtesy of telling us when they’re pulling away wouldn’t pull away in the first place. *sighs* I co sign, not just if he was interested, but if he was worth your precious precious time he would have been in touch by now. It’s totally ok to run up against people who dabble and run, where you and I stand to level up is how fast we let go of these jokers. I believe in you and your resilience

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Do you think I should send another message later on in the week that would warrant a response i.e. "How's the beer brewing going" (because he told me he was buying a home brewing set over the weekend) and if I dont get a response to that then I will definitely know he's not interested, which is fine but it would be nicer to be told rather than ignored.

 

No, because his silence is your response.

 

You already left the ball in his court with your previous message. He knows where to find you if he's interested in seeing you again.\

 

I would hold off on sleeping with a new guy so soon it the future, though. If you are not into one-night stands or casual sex, wait until you see if there is a more serious intention before hitting the sheets together.

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I don't think he has an obligation to respond to your asking him out on a first official date. If he ends up having an STD he should let you know for sure. He didn't ask you out on an official date, you agreed to sleep with him so of course he didn't use you any more than you used him. Basically when he met you he was attracted to you and wanted to have sex with you and hang out with you after. After that there are infinite reasons why on reflection he decided not to ask you out on a real first date - ranging from realizing he didn't have enough in common to maybe he met someone he liked more. After a first meet many people change their minds. I was asked out after a first meet and sometimes I responded with no thanks and other times i did not respond. when a man didn't ask me out I just assumed that silence = lack of interest not that he did anything wrong or that I was "ghosted". It sounds like casual sex might not be right for you given your reaction. I'm sorry you feel disappointed.

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Very strange you'd think of this as ghosting. It was a meet and a hookup. Your actions and your words all point to you being cool with that, from his end of this. Not sure why you'd expect a prompt or any reply really?

He'll hit you up if he wants to do it again and you are down , I'd think.

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The problem is the people who would care enough to do us the courtesy of telling us when they’re pulling away wouldn’t pull away in the first place. *sighs* I co sign, not just if he was interested, but if he was worth your precious precious time he would have been in touch by now. It’s totally ok to run up against people who dabble and run, where you and I stand to level up is how fast we let go of these jokers. I believe in you and your resilience

 

I don't think he pulled away because he never pulled close in that sense. He simply met her and had sex with her and she had sex with him despite regretting it in hindsight which is on her. She chose to hang out with him after sex. Certainly if he has an STD he should tell her -it's the ethical/moral thing to do. Otherwise he should be in touch only if he wants to ask her out or meet up to have sex again. I never had casual sex like that but I don't see why having intercourse changes what is courteous - why should he get in touch with her just to tell her he doesn't plan on asking her out on an actual first date or tell her why he doesn't want to meet up again? I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that after only meeting once he doesn't have to get in touch unless he wants to see her again.

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Excellent points made!

 

It's not ghosting, yet. How long did you chat prior to the date?

Still, it's rude to just not reply, I would put him in the FWB/hookup category and move on. He will contact you again when he's horny. edit to add: and it's ok to say yes as long as you have no further expectations of it.

 

When someone is really interested n you, it doesn't take them days to reply.

Also, you weren't "used" for sex, you "used" him too. Unless you think that sex is something that you only do with people you have or want a commitment with. In that case, you indeed should avoid having sex that fast.

 

What does sex mean to you?

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Excellent points made!

 

It's not ghosting, yet. How long did you chat prior to the date?

 

We chatted for over a week prior to the date, so it really wasnt a "one message hook-up" kind of thing which is probably why I had my expectations set higher, which upon reflection was slightly naive on my behalf, but we live and learn. I also feel that my message to him was quite vague and casual so I could have just as much as a part to play in the radio silence but I've decided not to message again because the last thing I ever want to seen is desperate.

 

You're also right about the whole "used" aspect. Sex normally doesnt carry any commitment connotations for me but this time it just felt different. But c'est la vie.

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We chatted for over a week prior to the date, so it really wasnt a "one message hook-up" kind of thing which is probably why I had my expectations set higher, which upon reflection was slightly naive on my behalf, but we live and learn. I also feel that my message to him was quite vague and casual so I could have just as much as a part to play in the radio silence but I've decided not to message again because the last thing I ever want to seen is desperate.

 

You're also right about the whole "used" aspect. Sex normally doesnt carry any commitment connotations for me but this time it just felt different. But c'est la vie.

 

Ah, it happens! We learn, that's true! Your message had nothing to do with it and you know it!

At first a week was enough for me too, I mean to get my expectations high, heck, a couple of days were. But as I got more into the online dating thing, I don't get my hopes high...well never lol!

I'm relieved to hear that you don't connect sex with commitment!

So yeah, you just gained a fbuddy if you're interested in one! All good!

 

Yeah,don't text, actually forget about him so you can clear your mind of expectations. He will text again, try to "demote" him til then, it will make your decision easier.

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I think being that they had sex -- which no matter how casual *does* mean something to most people, at least for that one night -- and also because OP sent a follow-up message suggesting a date, the respectful and kind thing for him to do is respond back letting her know he had a good time too but doesn't wish to pursue further, if in fact that is how he feels.

 

Had she *not* sent that text suggesting a date, safe for him to assume she considered it a 'one and done' too, so no need to continue communicating.

 

I think how he's handled this is COLD..

 

No he doesn't "owe" an explanation, but common courtesy and respect for someone you were sexually intimate with (no matter how casual), warrants a response to your last text, if only to tell you it was fun but not interested in pursuing further. Wish each other well.

 

Another thought is that he's thinking about where he wants things to go from here, and will get in touch in a few days once he makes that decision.

 

Not uncommon for men to "pull back" sometimes after sex, especially when it happens so fast like that, kinda throws them off their game, especially if the sex was good and they felt a connection, but weren't expecting to.

 

JMO! :D

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I think when you have sex has nothing to do with the interest levels, nor the level of commitment one wants.

A guy I know is always telling me about girls he's seeing that want to wait. Of course they are the only ones waiting as he is off having sex with others at the same time. I'm not generalizing this, it's just one guy I know, but I truly believe if someone loses interest after sex on the first date then there wasn't much interest to go around in the first place.

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I think being that they had sex -- which no matter how casual *does* mean something to most people, at least for that one night -- and also because OP sent a follow-up message suggesting a date, the respectful and kind thing for him to do is respond back letting her know he had a good time too but doesn't wish to pursue further, if in fact that is how he feels.

 

Had she *not* sent that text suggesting a date, safe for him to assume she considered it a 'one and done' too, so no need to continue communicating.

 

I think how he's handled this is COLD..

 

No he doesn't "owe" an explanation, but common courtesy and respect for someone you were sexually intimate with (no matter how casual), warrants a response to your last text, if only to tell you it was fun but not interested in pursuing further. Wish each other well.

 

Another thought is that he's thinking about where he wants things to go from here, and will get in touch in a few days once he makes that decision.

 

Not uncommon for men to "pull back" sometimes after sex, especially when it happens so fast like that, kinda throws them off their game, especially if the sex was good and they felt a connection, but weren't expecting to.

 

JMO! :D

 

That's so funny, I almost posted the same thing.

 

OPer, please expect better, and do better.

 

'well what did you expect?'

'basic human decency?'

'nah, you're not owed that close your legs next time'

 

Blunt and brutal but that's how this post has gone because that's the cold reality of dating. Many, many, many women are not cut out for leading with sex, because when they do, they expect it to lead somewhere and that's simply not the dating world today. My advice would be to get off tinder and join a more relationship oriented dating website and hold off on sexual intercourse.

 

I would lose all faith in humanity if I had to believe, its not only acceptable but expected to be ignored after sexual intercourse, I think its rude, that's my personal belief system, so if a man doesn't agree with me, we aren't going to mesh. Know your boundaries, it makes dating so much easier.

 

Good luck, don't let this knock you down too badly, don't look at it as using, that'll just make you jaded, just look at it as a lesson learned, I bet it wasn't even all that good anyway, lets be real, dudes who have strings of meaningless sex never care to learn a woman's body, so they're just jackhammering away anyways... wait, where was I going with this? Oh right, don't let it get you down, you deserve better.

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figureitout wrote:

>> let's be real, dudes who have strings of meaningless sex never care to learn a woman's body so they're just jackhammering away anyway ......

 

^^You'd think it would be the opposite though, right? That because he's had so much sex, he'd be an expert at knowing a woman's body and what pleases her!

 

But I recall reading a very insightful post from a man on a different forum lamenting the same thing, describing himself.

 

That the sex was more about validation than a desire to please a woman, he just didn't care about her needs all that much.

 

Course we don't know if that's what's happening here, but it's possible! More than possible even, considering he doesn't even have the courtesy to send a quick response declining her invite and wishing her well.

 

I agree about what you said about losing faith in humanity!

 

When I read posts saying that it's perfectly understandable and acceptable for someone to ignore the person they were just sexually intimate with (no matter how casually) after that person has reached out expressing interest, all I can do is shake my head.

 

ETA: I tried giving you a rep point but system wouldn't let me - message popped up "need to spread it around" -- ugh! I miss the old feature!

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If you really like a guy, it’s always good to wait about two months to have sex. Almost every guy I’ve talked to basically have told me a woman who has sex right away is automatically marked off the list of relationship material. There’s always an exception to the rule I’m sure, but this is a good rule of thumb.

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My experience is quite the opposite. I've had the best sex with men who've have strings of meaningless sex. So it always comes down to what you want from a person. You want to have sex on the first date? Go for it, as long as you are doing it for you, in oppose to doing it just because they want to.

 

As for the rule of thumb singingstick, I just don't agree, again there's no right or wrong here, it's up to each individual, I just think that a guy who marks a woman off the list of relationship material for having sex on the first date has a double standard and that's a HUGE red flag for me.

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If you really like a guy, it’s always good to wait about two months to have sex. Almost every guy I’ve talked to basically have told me a woman who has sex right away is automatically marked off the list of relationship material. There’s always an exception to the rule I’m sure, but this is a good rule of thumb.

 

I had sex with my ex the first night we met and we were together six years after that night! And engaged to be married!

 

Are you new here? Many men on this forum and others have said it doesn't matter at all, if he's into her, having sex early on doesn't mean a hill of beans!

 

As another poster said, if a man loses interest after early sex, he was *never* all that interested in the first place.

 

Instead of owning that, he blames her for *him* losing interest because she had early sex!

 

It's pure BS!

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Just in my experience from not only dating but from having loads of male friends and what they say...no man is going to take a woman that seriously if she sleeps with him asap.

 

No, it's not always the rule but many men do think the same way. Women who "put out" right away are not someone you'd be serious with, and the other things they think...if she is having sex this quickly, she must do this with most guys, therefore, not a keeper.

 

And no, it's not up for argument. Perhaps in your part of the world it has been a different experience but in my part of the world this is how the men have thought and still do think.

Might sound sexist but it's how many many men think.

 

Actually, come to think of it, it's not just my part of the world, I have heard similar from all over the world.

Again, not saying every single man, but a good portion of them.

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@SherrySher then maybe that's why I'm single! lol

 

I don't have the same experience, and still, like I said, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who thought that, as he too "put out" on the first date, so good riddance!

 

Yeah, not all men, thankfully! This should change, that's why I'm insisting on it.

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Dating in general is a crap shoot. There are good people out there and some not so good. Unfortunately with the ways of the world, things aren't getting any easier lately.

It takes a heck of a lot to find a "good one".

The only thing one can do is be cautious, go slow, take care of yourself. Only you can protect yourself.

What makes more sense to make sure you're not being used, is to take things at a slower pace until you get to know someone. You can't tell anything with a stranger or someone you barely know.

Take care out there, it's a tough go.

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"I would lose all faith in humanity if I had to believe, its not only acceptable but expected to be ignored after sexual intercourse"

 

I'm just not sure why intercourse changes anything as far as whether the people who had sex are obligated to get in touch after if they don't want to see each other again (unless for news of pregnancy/STD). He didn't ignore her at all. He simply chose not to respond to her invitation for a date. If there hadn't been intercourse same thing - if you've only met once and one doesn't want to go out again then not responding indicates lack of interest. I never liked those self-serving "you're amazing but I am not looking for a relationship right now" or some such drivel.

Too many times my polite declining of a second date or a first date was met with some form of harassment. No thanks.

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