Want to move out the country but he’s from here. Help!

So my husband and I are fine. We had a few rough patches a few months ago but we’re passed it. We just came back from vacation to my home country we went with our 1 and half year old. It was my husbands first time visiting there. The thing is that I simply don’t wanna live here anymore. I moved here when I was young and wanted to explore and ended up staying and now I have a family. Don’t get m me wrong I love the US but I know that I’m ready to be back home and with my family (they all live there) they come visit but it’s not enough. So I want to move back and my husband is considering it but it takes a lot to leave our lives here and start over there. It would be easier if I just moved without a family because I will start over from my parents house. Plus my husband has another kid from previous relationship which we never get to see her much and I’m sure her mom will be ok with her spending the summers back in my home country. The point here is that I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a job here because we’re not ready for our son to go to daycare and I’m just miserable! My husband even told me how happy I was during our vacation. I love him and I wanna be with him but I feel like being miserable here gets us in fights all the time because I’m not happy where I’m at in life. I wanna move back home and open a business but I don’t wanna take my husband away from here and then he’ll end up feeling the way I’m feeling now. He says my happiness is his but still. Any advice?

Where is "home" for you?

Is there lots of opportunities for you and him to be gainfully employed?

What about his daughter from a previous relationship? How is she going to feel knowing her father is thousands of miles away?

 

Lots of things to think about before moving to another country.

 

It would be easier if I just moved without a family because I will start over from my parents house.

I'm surprised that you are willing to leave your husband and child behind in order to get back there? Are you not happy being his wife and the mother to his child?

You didn't say where "here" is, so I hope you're in a nice European country. But I don't think leaving your husband to take care of your child alone is a good idea, particularly if he has a job. And you haven't checked with your husband's baby-momma to find out if taking her child to the US for summers is a good idea.

 

Look, I know women go bonkers when they're stuck at home taking care of a child. They want to get out and do things they did before they got pregnant. But I think you have to be realistic. Having children means giving up a lot of things and making personal sacrifices. Make the most of the situation. Start your business where you are and start growing it. Make coming back to the US your long-term goal. Right now, you've got to hang in there for your child and your husband. Running back home to your parent's home by yourself is not a good idea.

I am. But the few times we’ve had major fights the ones that I had to sit there and think what am I gonna do if we split up? I don’t have a career I don’t have a job I’m 100% dependant of him and we’ve even talked about me going back to my country with my son because there’s no way I’m gonna stay here being just me and my child and he has agreed to it. My whole family is there, we barely see his family who lives here. And his other daughter he has tried everything but we can only see her 14% of the year. Her mom won’t allow her to spend any longer with us. I guess I could say that we have a good relationship with her mom but that’s just the way it is. She won’t let her stay any longer. If we move we will see her more than we do now living here. If she’ll get to spend the summer with us. But answering to your question yes. I know what I want now. I want my son to be proud of me when he grows up. I didn’t go to college and I keep beating myself over it. I think a business is the way to go and I will love for my son to grow up the way I did and surrounded by lots of family like mine. All he sees here is me and daddy when he’s home. We don’t have friends or anything. So I’m thorn. At the end of the day I doubt I will leave my husband behind I’m just saying that. But then again I’m not happy here anymore and I feel like that gets us into fights. My son is my priority and I just wanna start doing something that makes me feel good about myself so that I can be happy for his sake.

Oh no I’m not in Europe lol. Home is in South America and we live in the US now. My heart breaks that my son isn’t growing up with his grandparents and viceversa. My husbands parents don’t really come around much. I think my son will be happier there. In his short life he’s been there twice and I can tell how he changes when he’s surrounded by more people who loves him. When we go places here he’s just shy and won’t leave our side.

I am. But the few times we’ve had major fights the ones that I had to sit there and think what am I gonna do if we split up? I don’t have a career I don’t have a job I’m 100% dependant of him and we’ve even talked about me going back to my country with my son because there’s no way I’m gonna stay here being just me and my child and he has agreed to it.

Then what is your dilemma?

 

My whole family is there, we barely see his family who lives here. And his other daughter he has tried everything but we can only see her 14% of the year. Her mom won’t allow her to spend any longer with us.

Do they not have court ordered visitation in place? Who is she to only allow him that little time with his own child?

 

I guess I could say that we have a good relationship with her mom but that’s just the way it is. She won’t let her stay any longer.

It is his child too. Does he not care much that he only sees her when his ex deems it?

 

If we move we will see her more than we do now living here. If she’ll get to spend the summer with us.

That is one big *IF*. Since she holds all the power, don't hold your breath about that.

 

But answering to your question yes. I know what I want now. I want my son to be proud of me when he grows up. I didn’t go to college and I keep beating myself over it. I think a business is the way to go and I will love for my son to grow up the way I did and surrounded by lots of family like mine.

There was a reason why you left where you were. If it is so great, why did you leave?

 

All he sees here is me and daddy when he’s home. We don’t have friends or anything. So I’m thorn.

That could certainly change. Why are you so isolated? There are moms and tots groups, drop in centres for meeting new people, preschool where he can meet other children. You are not taking advantage of all the resources available to you in the country you currently live in. You could even go back to school, get a degree in something you love, meet friends at school and make something of yourself that won't have you wanting to uproot yourself and your son away from his father.

 

At the end of the day I doubt I will leave my husband behind I’m just saying that. But then again I’m not happy here anymore and I feel like that gets us into fights.

Then do something that will make you feel more satisfied and proud of yourself. Find the resources available to you and your son to help him to come out of his shell. He's shy because you isolate him.

 

My son is my priority and I just wanna start doing something that makes me feel good about myself so that I can be happy for his sake.

Leaving and going back to a country that does not have the opportunity that he would have in the states isn't going to help YOU with your lack of self-worth. Time for you to get out and do more then just be with your son day in and day out.

 

Look into college courses, mother and child resources and groups you can join with him to get you meeting other mothers and your son meeting other kids.

As a loving mother, how is uprooting your child from a stable and opportune location and estranging him from his father even an option? My mother never went to college. My father never even graduated high school. Neither owns a business. Both have made me proud. Quite simply, you're looking for the easy way out.

Grandparents are not a replacement for a dad.

You're wanting to run away from problems and regress into the arms of mommy and daddy. You need to grow up. As the old saying goes, you can't go home again.Sorry for the tough love, but you decided to have a child with a man in another country and now you're going to have to, or should, live with the consequences. If the two children hadn't been born, it'd be a different story.

 

Let's look at his daughter. Why isn't he fighting in court for more time with his daughter? With that, and if he moves to another country, don't you think she'll eventually consider how she wasn't important enough for him to make sure he regularly stays in her life (not just once a year) and did everything in his power to do so? Although it's highly unlikely, from what you've described, that the mother would even allow her daughter to travel internationally.

 

And what about your son? As he grows older, don't you think he'll be upset that you two couldn't even make it a year and a half before being separated by such a great distance because you all of a sudden changed your mind, which probably wasn't discussed pre-marriage.

 

If there's anyone you owe anything to, it's your children. Like suggested, find a support system of other moms of toddlers. You have a computer so it's pretty easy to look up. You might even find another mom to trade babysitting hours with so you can pursue an education or career skills to prepare yourself for the future. Paid pre-school, for four hours a day, begins at age 4 for many states. That's only two and a half years away that your child will be starting school. Perhaps you could begin an education by taking online classes to start with while your husband is watching your child.

 

Instead of taking the easy way out and veering toward your comfort level, challenge yourself by being proactive about making friends and becoming educated in a field you have a passion for. That's the right thing to do for your son and stepdaughter.

It would be easier if I just moved without a family because I will start over from my parents house.

My husband is from the Philippines. I would be extremely devastated if he told me this. I would also be fearful that he will try to kidnap my daughter back to his home country. And for that I can guarantee you I would take legal repercussions to protect my child from being snatched to a third world country that has civil wars, political and social witch hunts, poverty, and gang violence. It has happened before to couples who married foreigners in the US and I would not be taking any chances.

 

Expect the same action from your husband. He already lost custody for his first child. Don’t think he won’t take action if you try leaving the country.

 

And his other daughter he has tried everything but we can only see her 14% of the year. Her mom won’t allow her to spend any longer with us. I guess I could say that we have a good relationship with her mom but that’s just the way it is. She won’t let her stay any longer. If we move we will see her more than we do now living here. If she’ll get to spend the summer with us.

Yeah right. No way in hell would a mother let their child go off with their ex-spouse to a foreign country and risk never seeing them again. She would have NO legal jurisdiction of getting her kid back once she steps off the country border.

 

And also, she would be talking to a family attorney about your husband leaving if he is paying child support. It wouldn’t fly.

 

 

I agree with the other posters that you are going wrong about the whole idea of moving back to your home country. I get that your homesick and see that with my own husband with his family overseas. But unfortunately you made one hell of a commitment to stay in the US by marrying an American and having a child with him. That is a choice you have to work out and make the best of. And with your son being so young - sorry sweetheart - it ain’t about you anymore. Your child deserves a safe place to grow and live, and South America doesn’t have that. Otherwise we wouldn’t have a “migrant” caravan trying to invade the US border now for “asylum” rights” due to gang violence. You really want to bring up your baby into that environment?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are homesick and miss your extended family. Running away with your child is not the answer. It sounds like being stuck at home is getting to you.

I’m a stay at home mom. So it’s been rough because he’s been working a lot. And he also wants the baby out of room because it has stopped us from cuddling and just being together in our bed like we used to.Home is in South America and we live in the US now.