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Boyfriends exchange program


Jenny00

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Hello, so little bit of background. Me and my boyfriend have been together for just about 2 years, normally we are very happy, get along amazingly, just everything you could ask for and planning a future together etc. I trust him, he’s loyal and until now never made me uncomfortable like this, always reassuring.

 

Anyway, my boyfriend is on an exchange program. A few months ago people from different countries came to visit for a week and my boyfriend hosted one of the girls with his family and spent the week with the group, after that he kept in touch with some of the people but mostly all the girls. The way he keeps in touch with them bothers me the most, he keeps snap streaks them which means he needs to talk to them at least once a day and just generally talk away every day. He knows it’s making me insanely uncomfortable when he goes out of his way to keep in touch with girls from other countries who he will never see again, we argued about it sometimes but he always got mad at me and told me I’m crazy for feeling that way and that he had no intention of breaking the streaks.

 

Fast forward to this Saturday, he himself went to turkey with a group of people as the exchange program. People from 3 different countries went. Ofcourse it was difficult for me, but before leaving he promised no new streaks with any girls or anything like that. I was okay, no arguments etc until today when he came back. He told me he hasn’t clicked with any people there, except for like 3 people and they’re the ones he’s planning to keep in touch with, so he named one boy and two girls. I confronted him about his promise but he told me to stop overreacting and that they’re friends and that he already started the streak. He then told me I can look through the pictures from Turkey, and when I looked through them one video stood out to me. It was him in a taxi between the two girls with his arms around them, being very close and dancing. Another picture was of one of the girls Instagram stories, it was a picture of them two sitting Very close together looking at his phone laughing, and she captioned it “I’m gonna miss you like crazy” I was uncomfortable but chose not to say anything, then as I kept scrolling and a message from a girl popped up “miss you too

 

When I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I was beating myself up so I decided to text him about it and he made me out to be overprotective and that I shouldn’t be like that etc. I told him I’m done with this and his reply was “you’re done? Fine, we’re over” and that was it...

 

I don’t know, I need help :( and I overreacting? Is this normal behaviour on people from exchange programs,?? I’m so lost, I’m genuinely feeling betrayed and he’s making me out to be crazy and ugh I just really don’t know what to do, I need help, thankyou to whoever replies :(

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No you were not over reacting, and yes he was over stepping his relationship boundaries. He was acting single with these girls, and relishing in the attention.

 

What he was doing was switching blame or gaslighting you to turn you into the bad guy on purpose. That screams projecting guilt...putting it onto you. He's an insensitive jerk.

 

You know I do understand you don't or shouldn't control or be in control over someone, but you have every right to not accept their behavior.

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No you were not over reacting, and yes he was over stepping his relationship boundaries. He was acting single with these girls, and relishing in the attention.

 

What he was doing was switching blame or gaslighting you to turn you into the bad guy on purpose. That screams projecting guilt...putting it onto you. He's an insensitive jerk.

 

You know I do understand you don't or shouldn't control or be in control over someone, but you have every right to not accept their behavior.

 

Thankyou so much, I really needed to hear this :( I’ve been feeling crazy this whole week because of this I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Worst thing is normally he’s very reassuring, and caring etc and this is just so not like him. I thought he would be more considerate considering the fact he’s the one across the globe with god knows who :( I know in my heart he didn’t cheat on me, he’s just not that type of guy but the behaviour itself is just awful :( thankyou again :(

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You have different relationship boundaries so it'll never work. You both must be young with this student exchange thing. He probably has outgrown the youthful relationship you two had and now wants to sow his wild oats again after being in a LTR.

 

He let you go so easily and I know it's hard on you, but let him go. It will take you a while to mourn the end, but one day, when you meet a man who meets all of your main needs, you will understand why everything worked out the way it did.

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Hey Jenny00,

 

To be honest, I personally tend to side more with your now ex-boyfriend; travel can be intense, emotional experience, where friendships can be forged extremely quickly. Many of my closest friendships have developed where one of us was on limited time, travelling around. While I can understand you uneasiness around you ex-boyfriend forming these sudden friendships seemingly out of nowhere with girls, you have also said that you have never had cause to doubt him over the 2 years you have been together. I do think he sounds dismissive of and inconsiderate toward your feelings about this, but at the same time I think ultimately these issues are caused more by your trust issues than by his actions (just from what I have read). I think maybe you have pressed the issue a few times, which has unfortunately pushed him further away.

 

All that said, I don't think playing the blame game is particularly useful or helpful here. I really don't want to come off as saying this is your fault. I think maybe this whole episode has really just shown that maybe you both have different expectations and lines of intimacy in realtionships and you may not be compatible in the longer term. If you have an expectation that your boyfriend not form these kinds of friendships with girls, or hold the view that this is disrespectful, there are definitely men who hold that same view and would suit you better. I think there is a spectrum of healthy lines of intimacy; from open relationships, to not being alone with members of the opposite sex. I also think peoples lines change, depending on the relationship and with time and the myriad of other changes we all go through. Noone is wrong for what they think is acceptable or unacceptable in a relationship. It's only when issues of controlling or possesive behaviour come into it that it is wrong; where people's lines don't align and we try to impose rules or control on our partner's actions. Most relationships will face the issue sometime, and if we can't compromise or evolve, then we have to move on.

 

Before I wrote this, I took sometime to peruse your other threads, to get a fuller picture. It seems you have been dealing with a few issues, and my heart goes out to you. To be honest, I think you maybe need to think about stepping back from realtionships and seeking some counselling to help you deal with some of those other issues. There is no shame in getting help, and you have been through some traumatic stuff that is probably effecting all your relationships in someway.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

T

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Honestly? I think it's incredibly likely he flirted and enjoyed the company and attention of these women. Foreign country, foreign women (or, roles reversed, men)... there's quite a novelty factor there that many wouldn't hesitate to indulge in, relationship or not, even if only going so far as to not break physical boundaries.

 

Look, I'm assuming you're both college-aged. There's probably not a lot of "been there, done that" as far as a deep diversity of romance or sexuality goes under either of your belts. It may be a bit of projecting from my end, but having traveled a lot in my early 20s, it's without a doubt the peak of "exoticism," for lack of a better word.

 

What would I suspect would be "normal" from either of you in such a program wouldn't be what I'd necessarily call appropriate for a long-term, committed relationship. Now, that's not an excuse if he's betrayed established boundaries (though I'm not sure what a "streak" entails), but to say that, in your shoes, if I weren't comfortable with my college girlfriend getting flirty or even pushing boundaries while traveling abroad for an exchange program, I'd simply let both her and I be single for that time. It'd be less of a romantic assessment and more of a reality-based one.

 

If the reality that he may have flirted, danced, found these women attractive (if not more that you'd never be able to know for sure) isn't something you can see yourself ever being comfortable accepting, then I really don't see how it could ever have gotten any better or easier. I think you'd find there was likely no way you'd ever trust or truly respect him again, which is fair enough. But I think it'd be important to accept this conclusion as a result.

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No way would this work for me in a relationship. It's one thing for him to have made friends with these girls, but for him to insist on maintaining his streak, which is code word for flirting, and disregarding your feelings on this, is well outside the bounds of a relationship I'd want to be in.

 

Falls under the "wants his cake and eats it too" category.

 

When you brought it up to him, he took that opportunity to leave the relationship. Let him go, and find someone who considers the boundaries of a relationship similar to yours.

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As others have said, he enjoys flirting with these girls and doesn't intend to stop. I think he was taking it too far for a guy who has a girlfriend, but I have a feeling he's outgrown your relationship and didn't have the stones to just come out and say so before.

 

You two are right to break up. You have vastly different boundaries and it's going to continue to cause problems.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to be completely understanding about talking to these girls so much either. I'm not a jealous or controlling person. It is ok for him to have friends that are female. Keep in mind also that friends that are nothing more don't spend all day talking. Friends chat for a few and go about their day unless something comes up. People that are attracted to one another and want more than to be just friends talk non stop all day. They want to know everything about each other and love feeling they are becoming so important to the other person. Its a big mess to have to deal with. Try talking to him be blunt and hold none of it back. See how he responds to your feelings. If he really wants to be friends with other girls then he can make it a point for them to be friends with you as well. So you won't feel left out. If he blows you off then you need to move on from him. Don't hang around just so he can hurt you deeply.

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