Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Bf decade older doesnít want to move in with me

  1. #1

    Bf decade older doesnít want to move in with me

    My bf and I have been dating for 4 yrs. We have a ten year age gap in 28 heís 38. Heís never lived with a gf before and never married. I donít think I want to marry but Iíd love to live with him and see myself and future with him. We travel together all over the world off to Cuba next but he tells me he is like Peter Pan never wanting to grow up and moving in is not in his mind but open to spending more time together when i get my own place. What do I do heís older and i feel like he doesnít want a future with me though he talks about where we will retire but why wonít he take the next step I invested 4 yrs. Iím emotionally drained. Any help I appreciate it! Thank you.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    United States
    Age
    29
    Posts
    129
    Gender
    Female
    Have you told him how you feel yet? That moving in together is a natural next step in a serious relationship and you would like to hear his side of the story as to why he doesn't want to live together with you? Did he tell you why he doesn't want to live together? Something more solid than "moving in is not on my mind"... That's such a vague response. Lol

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    47
    Posts
    3,078
    Gender
    Male
    There is a difference in world outlook here. Your idea of a future together is different to his, because you define this as living together with possible marriage, while his is living separately without marriage.

    I see only resentment in the future. I know you are resenting him now and the longer it takes to meet your vision of the future, the more resentful you will become. But on the other foot, if you make him move in with you against his desire, he is going to start getting resentful. Sure, you might think he would learn to like it because that is what you want, and he may.

    But, ultimately, if he is adamant that this is the way he wants to live, you have two choices, accept it and get on with your life, or let him go.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    53
    Posts
    10,346
    Gender
    Female
    Not everyone wants to live with their significant other. Your bf enjoys living as he says - with as few responsibilities as possible. Sharing a home changes that equation.

    This creates a shaky foundation for you to depend on because he does not want to be responsible for you. if you are willing to live on your own and support yourself and still be available to travel as you do (if that is even possible) then he'd be happy to continue.

    He may fear that he will fail at commitment, living together, monogamy, supporting you, etc. If you are not dependent upon him, and he has made no promises, then he has nothing to fail at and therefore nothing to fear. In theory.

    This creates an uncertain foundation for you. if it doesn't work for you, then you will have to prepare to withdraw.

    Never let fear be your guide, else you are likely to get the very thing that scares you. He is afraid of being alone but won't commit to keep you. You may be afraid, too, and therefore won't walk away. A game of chicken doesn't feel romantic does it?

    Don't be afraid to get what you want.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,372
    Gender
    Male
    This isn't about an age gap. Do you live at home with family? Do you work/go to school? Where does he live? Have you ever been to his place? Why is it just traveling around together rather than a real relationship?
    Originally Posted by Curiosity69
    My bf and I have been dating for 4 yrs. moving in is not in his mind but open to spending more time together when i get my own place.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Posts
    297
    Originally Posted by femaleanomaly
    moving in together is a natural next step in a serious relationship
    This may be true for some but its not for everyone. I know a few people who live apart and they are still a couple. My colleague at work who sits next to me at work has a twenty year relationship with a man but they have their own houses. They don't live together but they do from time to time stay in one of the houses which suits them when they want to be together.

    You did mention earlier in your post that moving in wasn't on his mind but could it be further down the line? Being with someone for 4 years I would expect to move in too. I would normally wait a year or two years but at 4 years I would expect some sort of change.

    Have you tried to explain what you want and what makes you happy seeing him more and being together and creating a love nest?

    Think about what you want to achieve out of this.

    How you will handle it if he says no

    How to move forward to make both of you happy.

  8. #7
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    Posts
    812
    Gender
    Female
    When you say you are emotionally drained, is it because of trying to get him to live with you or because of something else?

  9. #8
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,590
    Originally Posted by Keyman
    There is a difference in world outlook here. Your idea of a future together is different to his, because you define this as living together with possible marriage, while his is living separately without marriage.

    But, ultimately, if he is adamant that this is the way he wants to live, you have two choices, accept it and get on with your life, or let him go.
    I second this post. He has been upfront about what he wants in life and how he chooses to live his life. When a man tells you this, believe him. You have two choices in situations like this: You learn to accept that this is how it is going to be, OR it doesn't work for you and what you want in life, so you end it and look for someone more compatible with what you are after in life. Accept, or leave.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,196
    You won't find what you are looking for with this man.

    He see's the future as dating someone, possibly even travelling, but it being less serious and more dating than anything else. You want serious and to move in, possible marriage etc.

    You are not compatible in what you want for the future and you shouldn't force anyone to want what you want.

    I think you will need to look elsewhere if you want something serious, he's been honest with you and telling you he has peter pan syndrome and not wanting to ever fully grow up. Whether you agree with him or not, that's his right to live his life like that if he wants to.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,166
    When you get your own place?!

    Why not put some of the energy of trying to play house with Peter Pan into building your own home ?

    It seems so 1950s you are living at home , playing around the world with this guy , see it as an 'investment' of your time while you wait for a man to ask you to move in with him.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •