How do I get over the anger?

Posted recently but in different words.

 

i know I have issues, I am trying to figure out how to fix them and exactly what they are, without seeing a therapist.

 

 

Past history, ---I have had 6 serious partners in 40 years, by serious, I mean we lived together or were married, 4 have passed away , 1 while I was with them and 3 shortly after we broke up. First husband still kicking but I'm not sure how.

 

For me, when someone passes away, it is difficult but I know they are gone, the grieving process makes sense.

 

Currnt events- 4 mos ago, #6 left me,it was never a right relationship to begin with, we are opposite in every possible way, politics, food, race, work ethic,attire, movies, tv, you name it, we were opposite and truly did not belong as a couple,, still, we tried to make it work, opposites attract, right?

 

After 5 years, neither of our hearts were in it and a stupid argument broke us up. He suggested we remain friends, I had remained friends with the others before they passed away, why not with him too?

 

While still living in my house and knowing full well that he was moving across the street in ten days, he decided he could not wait to date a girl the same age as his daughter, (She's 30 something and he's 58) he claims they were only talking before the date, (he had to fix his ego),

 

It's a very small town with not many places to rent, which is why he moved across the street. It got back to me that after their date, her boyfriend beat her up for dating a black man, He went to jail, got out on bond, beat her up again. When the girl reached out to my ex, he dumped her, . the fact that he got her beaten up and then dumped her, made me livid to no end and I called him out on it, I called him a very negative racial slur, which I sincerely regret and have apologized for in every way i know how.

 

He refuses to speak to me because of what I called him, I can't say I blame him but I know for a fact he is a hypocrite about it.

 

Me-- I can't help being angry at him, I can't seem to grieve, I can't cry about it and all I want to do is hurt him or what ever he considers valuable in his life.

 

I keep wanting him to be number 5 so I can get over this. How do you get over a person who is always in your face? How do get over the anger?

 

 

I really want to mess with his car, his most valuable possession, want to release bed bugs into his living space, 'cuz he moved in with me due to bed bugs in his former place, and I can't help myself from saying something derogatory to him each time I see him( I have never called him that name again but sure think it applies),

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How do I let go of the anger?

The easiest and cheapest thing to be is move away from him. Move to another town or move to another state. Seeing him across the street or at the casino is just going to make you angrier. If you don't see him and keep NC, you'll get him out of your mind eventually. Being across the street from him will just keep your wound from healing. Don't say you can't afford to because your mental health is at stake. Move away.

I own my house free and clear, I have a great Government job, I am finally putting down roots, the first thing wanted to do was move away but I wind up really screwed and give up way too much for that.

 

I need to be near my ailing mother I can't move, I have moved 42 times since I was 17, i love the advice but it is not workable. He rents, he should move.

Well, you're the one being bothered. You can move to another part of town so you're still near mom and your job, you're just not across the street from this guy. Real estate agents can help you do either a swap or at least a quick purchase and sale. You said you didn't want to do therapy.

 

How about a tall, 8-foot, stockade fence in front of your house so you can't see him? Or plant some trees and bushes in front.

 

As for your anger, you should try running or power walking, or join a gym and build up your muscles. Release your anger through exercise. Or you can take boxing classes, or judo classes, or yoga classes, or meditation classes. Try not to do anything to your ex.

You need to get a grip on yourself. This sounds like you dodged a bullet as he probably was dating young girl before he got with you. And, regardless of what people say, anyone that dates someone 20 something years their junior at that age has some issues. I would be nice as pie and smile pleasantly as much as I could. That is the true revenge.

As for calling him the name, you have apologized but you need to do that for the sake of him and his feelings, not to placate your own guilt. If you were sincere just drop the matter.

 

He doesn't sound worthy of the rage he is causing you. As someone else here suggested, start yoga and meditation - anything to get rid of the rage. One thing to do before you walk out your door every time, take a deep breath and imagine releasing all you feel for him. That way if you see him you hopefully will not be triggered as much.

No he was not dating a young girl before he met me, he was dating no one and did not start dating her until we broke up. I apologized for his sake not mine.

 

Good advice

Ex's died of lymphoma, menengitis, diabetic heart attack and a drug overdose. They wee all my age at the time. Thinking about doing is not the same as doing, and fantasizing about destroying what he loves makes me happier .

i know I have issues, I am trying to figure out how to fix them and exactly what they are, without seeing a therapist.

Well after reading your other thread said in other words but about the same thing, I'd say you're angry because your ego is bruised that he won't forgive you for calling him a derogatory slur.

 

As I said in your other thread... you should be glad he's ignoring you, (I know I would be) and that he turns his back on you when he sees you because he's really not someone that you should want paying you any attention when his very actions are what triggered you to call him that name in the first place. He doesn't match your morals, your sensibilities, your ability to be empathetic so it makes you incompatible and someone to be treating with total indifference... but (maybe?) your ego won't let you do that because all of your other ex's wanted to be your friend (until they died) but he doesn't. ????? Just speculation but it's what came to my mind after reading your threads.

 

Why do you think he should apologize to you? Why does your ego expect that that is what he should be doing? What he did, wasn't against you.

Well after reading your other thread said in other words but about the same thing, I'd say you're angry because your ego is bruised that he won't forgive you for calling him a derogatory slur.

 

As I said in your other thread... you should be glad he's ignoring you, (I know I would be) and that he turns his back on you when he sees you because he's really not someone that you should want paying you any attention when his very actions are what triggered you to call him that name in the first place. He doesn't match your morals, your sensibilities, your ability to be empathetic so it makes you incompatible and someone to be treating with total indifference... but (maybe?) your ego won't let you do that because all of your other ex's wanted to be your friend (until they died) but he doesn't. ????? Just speculation but it's what came to my mind after reading your threads.

 

Why do you think he should apologize to you? Why does your ego expect that that is what he should be doing? What he did, wasn't against you.

 

I'm sure it is my ego, his moving out was a good thing, It made room for my adult son who suddenly needed a place to live.

 

I want some damn closure, I have forgiven so many of his actions in the past, improved his life , encouraged and nurtured, rescued, loved, supported. He can apologize for being a jerk, for moving across the street, he can be mature. It is a small and meaningful gesture for someone who received so much from me. I'm happy he is gone but he is also a constant reminder of what a he is.

I'm sure it is my ego, his moving out was a good thing, It made room for my adult son who suddenly needed a place to live.

 

I want some damn closure, I have forgiven so many of his actions in the past, improved his life , encouraged and nurtured, rescued, loved, supported. He can apologize for being a jerk, for moving across the street, he can be mature. It is a small and meaningful gesture for someone who received so much from me. I'm happy he is gone but he is also a constant reminder of what a he is.

 

Yes, it does sound like it is your ego and as a minority, I say this with no disrespect but you're gonna have to get over yourself and chuck this one as a loss, you really should be ashamed of ever going there. Plenty of things you could have called him for his actions, going there? That was you trying to hurt him in the worst way possible and it really speaks to your maturity that you'd do that.

 

Like a previous poster said, be glad all he's doing is ignoring you, he's taking the high road, I can't say I'd do the same.

Yes, it does sound like it is your ego and as a minority, I say this with no disrespect but you're gonna have to get over yourself and chuck this one as a loss, you really should be ashamed of ever going there. Plenty of things you could have called him for his actions, going there? That was you trying to hurt him in the worst way possible and it really speaks to your maturity that you'd do that.

 

Like a previous poster said, be glad all he's doing is ignoring you, he's taking the high road, I can't say I'd do the same.

 

I am not proud of saying it, I might think twice about saying to someone again, I might not, i have never called someone that before so it was a bit of a surprise to me. I knew it would be the most hurtful thing i could say and I knew that he had told me how he would kill anyone who called him that. I really did not give a damn, calling someone a hurtful name is not nearly as hurtful as lying, cheating, using people. Is it mature? probably not, is being offended over a word, mature? It's all about perspective. There are two words, both are equally offensive, one is what I said, one is what he has called me, both mean the same thing when broken down, both words mean subhuman, good for service.

 

 

So is your advice that when someone hurts you you just say or do the nicest thing you can think of, or just walk away? that's not me.

I am not proud of saying it, I might think twice about saying to someone again, I might not, i have never called someone that before so it was a bit of a surprise to me. I knew it would be the most hurtful thing i could say and I knew that he had told me how he would kill anyone who called him that. I really did not give a damn, calling someone a hurtful name is not nearly as hurtful as lying, cheating, using people. Is it mature? probably not, is being offended over a word, mature? It's all about perspective. There are two words, both are equally offensive, one is what I said, one is what he has called me, both mean the same thing when broken down, both words mean subhuman, good for service.

 

 

So is your advice that when someone hurts you you just say or do the nicest thing you can think of, or just walk away? that's not me.

 

 

It's quite clear reading your response, you simply do not get it. And the fact that you said you'd do it again... eventually dear you're gonna say it to the wrong person... According to you, he treated you bad. Yes,the solution is to walk away! You hold your head up high, you keep your dignity and you walk away, that is literally what you do. You didn't, you chose to fight dirty and now you can't handle the consequence, which let be honest isn't even a consequence because he treated you bad and it's best he's gone, this is according to you. ETA after rereading? I don't see why his dating life is any of your business after you're broken up and how is it his fault if her piece of sh*t boyfriend beats her up for dating a black man. My God where do y'all live that this is ok? Are you kidding me? You deserve the inner turmoil youre experiencing as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure others will feel differently and offer you some advice, As for me, I will not.

 

Peace.

Unfortunately you have a tsunami of anger and rage built up that only a doctor/therapist can help you find peace with. It sounds like you're mad at yourself and your over investment in this guy. He's a jerk, no doubt, but the problem is it's eating at you.

Ex's died of lymphoma, menengitis, diabetic heart attack and a drug overdose. Thinking about doing is not the same as doing, and fantasizing about destroying what he loves makes me happier .

So is your advice that when someone hurts you you just say or do the nicest thing you can think of, or just walk away? that's not me.

 

Walking away is the best way to stay out of jail. Revenge is the best way to land IN jail.

 

It's on you to decide whether you own enough self control to move your focus onto more productive things. If you want to gnaw a bone and keep yourself miserable, you can do that, but that's not something happening 'to' you, that's your own choice.

 

It's a decision.

It's quite clear reading your response, you simply do not get it. And the fact that you said you'd do it again... eventually dear you're gonna say it to the wrong person... According to you, he treated you bad. Yes,the solution is to walk away! You hold your head up high, you keep your dignity and you walk away, that is literally what you do. You didn't, you chose to fight dirty and now you can't handle the consequence, which let be honest isn't even a consequence because he treated you bad and it's best he's gone, this is according to you. ETA after rereading? I don't see why his dating life is any of your business after you're broken up and how is it his fault if her piece of sh*t boyfriend beats her up for dating a black man. My God where do y'all live that this is ok? Are you kidding me? You deserve the inner turmoil youre experiencing as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure others will feel differently and offer you some advice, As for me, I will not.

 

Peace.

 

I get it, I don't agree with it, people judge no matter what direction one chooses.

 

I said I might do it again, one never knows what circumstances will bring. I hope I don't.

 

Walking away says, it's ok to treat me like that I am a door mat, there will be no consequences for you.

 

I couldn't care less what he does with his dating life,if he wants to date a girl half his age with a wife beating boyfriend who dislikes blacks, do it when you are not jeopardizing someone else by waiting a few days until you have moved to your own space.

Continuing to pursue "revenge" says "You hurt me and I can't get over it. I still have feelings for you and I just can't let go."

I'm sure it is my ego, his moving out was a good thing, It made room for my adult son who suddenly needed a place to live.

What does that have to do with your bruised ego? You ego is bruised (I'm thinking) because he's not forgiving you for calling him a racial slur so, in trying to alleviate your guilt for that, you are being angry at him because it puts a salve on your ego to be the one who is mad.

 

He has a right to live where he can find a place that he can afford and that is convenient for him, he has a right to be with a younger woman and, he has a right to dump her if he feels there is too much drama surrounding her. He also has the right to blank you whenever he sees you. You have the right to judge him on his behaviour but you don't have the right to impose yourself on him or continue to call him names or diss him for his choices. You can also continue to be angry but what are you gaining for hanging onto that negative emotion... particularly when he doesn't care that you're angry?

 

I want some damn closure,

You get that from within, not from him. He gave you closure when he broke up with you. You were foolish enough to let him stay there after that so forgive yourself for that foolish choice and get on with your life free of him in thought and deed.

 

I have forgiven so many of his actions in the past

That's not a positive attribute. If he needed to be forgiven "so many" times then its a clear message that you're with the wrong person and you should have ended it sooner then it ended.

 

improved his life , encouraged and nurtured, rescued, loved, supported.

If he didn't return all of those "tells" that he valued You, then you were wasting your time.

He can apologize for being a jerk,

He doesn't forgive you so he aint going to apologize.

for moving across the street,

That's his prerogative.

he can be mature.

How so? You were with an immature man for five years.

It is a small and meaningful gesture for someone who received so much from me.

You nullified any gratefulness he may have had when you called him a _____ To him that is unforgiveable. I think you need to learn to forgive yourself for giving so much to a man that clearly took your good nature for granted. Tell your ego to chillax so that you can get over your anger at yourself for allowing such from him.

 

I'm happy he is gone but he is also a constant reminder of what a he is.

Your ego rules you. If you want to feel better, you'll not let it any longer. He didn't force you to do all the things you did for him even when he didn't thank you for them.

 

You're not going to get an apology from him so do the mental work you need to do to get over need for one.