Infatuation with a woman will get me into trouble

I am happily married for the last 16 years. I am in my early 50’s and do love my wife, and the life we share together. Yet somehow, I have become infatuated with one of her co-workers 24 years younger than me. What’s worse is I am suspicious the co-worker knows, or at least suspects, and I feel tremendous guilt about it to myself and my wife.

My wife and I work at separate companies, but they are located across the street from each other (just a lucky coincidence). I am often coming and going from my wife’s office for lunch, use the car, etc. Everyone in her office knows who I am, and I get along well with them. My conduct has always been purely professional, even in after hours events, and have been accepted as one of the crew, if you may.

The young woman I have mentioned has been at my wife’s company before she started there. I know she has been in a relationship the entire time, and I have no aspirations or even desire, to be with her in place of my wife. What is the issue is this young woman is one of the most attractive women I have ever met in my life. I have always in the past made a conscious effort to keep conversations and interactions short and casual, and not to be creepy in staring or leering at her. But I do regularly think about this young woman. I actually am connected with her via social media, so I see photos and things about her too.

Last week, one my wife’s company was having a social at a bar down the road from our workplaces. My wife asked if I wanted to go, and I agreed. I actually got there ahead of my wife, she had a call that came up, and actually didn’t get there until 20 minutes after I did. In the meantime, I saw where her coworkers were, and I went over. As I was looking around for our waiter, I noticed the young woman at another part of the bar, talking with another man, not her boyfriend. I have no idea why, but for some reason, every 30 seconds, I turned my head to look at her, and who she was with. I made eye contact with her on more than one occasion, but no other recognition. Eventually my wife got there, and I got my focus back. My wife and I hung out for about 30 minutes, then left.

For the next several days, the thoughts of my behavior were forefront in my head. I know my wife suspects nothing, but I was concerned about how the young woman’s opinion of me had changed, if any. About a week later, I decided to try something to see what her reaction would be. The young woman is a notary, and at times, I have had her notarize things for me. I sent her an e-mail asking if I could stop by when I was to have lunch with my wife to have her notarize something. I did not hear back from her, and when I went over at lunch, she was not at her desk, and her car was not in the parking lot. About an hour later, I got an e-mail from her stating she went home sick, and would also be out for a few more days. I told her no problem, I would find another notary. A few minutes later, I needed to go to an appointment. My wife and I drove together that day, and when I crossed the street to her office, I noticed the young woman’s car, parked well away from where she normally parks.

I feel horrible that I am letting another woman occupy my thoughts like this. I’m upset at myself that I’m acting like a love-sick teenager, paranoid and actually concerned about what she thinks of me. When I have a wonderful wife who actually loves and cares about me, and our life we are sharing together. I don’t think the young woman would confront me, or my wife about this, since much of this could be circumstantial, and the burden of proof would be almost impossible to meet. But I am also concerned that any office gossip would A) label me as being a creepy old man, B) affect my wife’s relationship with her co-workers. I don’t know if I am looking for advice, or simply getting something off my chest. I do know that I am going to have to be on my guard even more at her office now, and may change a few things so I can avoid any further appearances of impropriety.

you need to make any requests for notary through your wife and you should not call this young woman. That is for starters.

You also need to take responsibility for your own thoughts and nip them in the bud.

It’s one thing having someone else occupying your thoughts. But asking her to notarize something for you that I’m guessing was a test of some kind based on how you said it is not right. What were you expecting to happen when you met to get this thing notarized?

This woman KNOWS and is avoiding you. Leave her alone. You don’t want to be called a creepy stalker. I have been stalked and it is scary as hell.

First thing you need to do is to discontinue the social media connection. No explanation is necessary.

Even though you love your wife, you've lost an emotional connection with her, and that needs to be your main focus right now. Even though I love my husband, I would not want to work with him all day. You basically see your wife at home and then throughout the work day, regularly popping in and going to lunch together often. When do you have a chance to miss each other? Perhaps think about if you two have had too much of what is supposed to be a good thing, but maybe it's really not.

It's not necessary for you to go into her office. If you want to occasionally go to lunch with her, tell her you're enjoying listening to music in the car and for her to come out when she's ready. If she asks you if you want to do something with co-workers, don't. Do stuff with friends outside the office who you're not attracted to. Pay for a notary.

And as far as your wife goes, reestablish that spark. Go to a couples store and pick out new stuff for the bedroom. Write her a love note that she will find in her purse or lunch bag. Give each other massages. Give extra long kisses before or after work. Send her a flirty text. Start a new hobby together. And on the other hand, give each other time to miss each other by having your own hobby (one that doesn't involve attractive women), and avoiding the daily visits to her work.

Hopefully you will inject a new spark into a relationship that perhaps needs some resuscitation. Good luck.

You do know woman know when they are being looked at right? You are old enough dude you know.

Now I wouldn't say there are anything wrong with just looking once in a while. After all you have eyes but going up to her for what???? What were you going to do if there were some flirting going on? Then what? See it goes down the hole pretty fast.

She had caught on took action and now just move along. As for your relationship with your wife..... Fix that

But I am also concerned that any office gossip would A) label me as being a creepy old man, B) affect my wife’s relationship with her co-workers. I do know that I am going to have to be on my guard even more at her office now, and may change a few things so I can avoid any further appearances of impropriety.

You are right to be concerned. Trust me, your colleagues WILL and DO see what is going on around them. They are aware when people start flirting as it is pretty obvious to all around, no matter how much you try to "hide" it. You WILL come across as a creepy old man. This all has a huge potential to backfire on you very badly in more ways than one. Your wife finds out, marriage ends. You can lose your job etc.

Learn from this. Back off. Leave her alone. Focus on your marriage.

ETA: It is interesting to see that you posted about the same kind of scenario in 2014 .... yet another office infatuation. Seems to be a habit? Maybe time for you to look into some counselling.

Yep -- this is the third time that this has happened and he posts but never comes back to respond. He doesn't really care to change.

ETA: It is interesting to see that you posted about the same kind of scenario in 2014 .... yet another office infatuation. Seems to be a habit? Maybe time for you to look into some counselling.

That’s a bit creepy!

Why not just stay away from wife's coworkers? Make yourself busy with your own life, and turn down invitations to mix with them.

You're a grown man, you can resolve this.

Crushes and fantasies about younger women seems to be a recurrent issue. Midlife crisis?

09-08-2014: I met a woman who would become my regular contact every day. At first, I didn’t pay any more attention to her than any other attractive woman. I was happy with my wife, glad to be working, and I did feel initially she was too young for me, she is in her early 20’s, there is 23 years age difference.

All three of your posts have strong similarities, especially your first one and this one. Although you were congragulated on your first post for not acting out on your desires, I don't believe you deserve that now. While it's normal to experience attraction, the constant cycle of a much younger coworker of your wife - it almost seems like a fetish. I would say you need to work on your marriage and inspire that love and attraction again or stop trolling this website.

Unless you want to be served divorce papers, quit drinking so much, keep your pants zipped and your mouth shut about your fantasies.

I’ve been struggling recently that after 15 years of marriage. should I speak with my wife about this, and the struggles of my attractions to younger women. I worry that “just a quick taste” – for lack of a better way to describe it, is a threat and a possibility.

All three of your posts have strong similarities, especially your first one and this one. Although you were congragulated on your first post for not acting out on your desires, I don't believe you deserve that now. While it's normal to experience attraction, the constant cycle of a much younger coworker of your wife - it almost seems like a fetish. I would say you need to work on your marriage and inspire that love and attraction again or stop trolling this website.

I too read the post from 2014 when someone mentioned it above. I thought it was a little creepy that people were congratulating him for not making a move. This guy is bad news.