Who was right in this stupid fight?

My boyfriend and me are not living together. He sometimes hangs out at my place. I clean after him when he leaves mess after he goes away. I don't mind and it's not a lot of mess.

But once he pointed out my dishes are not washed right. He even talked about that to our mutual friends when we were all hanging out. It turned out to be funny.

But to me, I thought it was rude. I thought if it bothered him so much, he could have washed the dishes himself, since he doesn't clean anyhing in my place anyway.

When I told him that, he didn't understand why I'm mad and said he didn't do nothing wrong. He thought I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I told him I dislike being criticized and treated that way. I don't act that way towards him.

This really turned out to be ugly and I rejected his calls and didn't bother to explain to him anymore. When I did answer, he was mad and didn't apologise as I expected, but he said he'll try better.

Who was right in this stupid fight?

Neither and both at the same time. He joked about something, but it hurt your pride and ego. You let him know and he should have had the sense to apologize immediately, but instead he felt bad and got defensive. Then you escalated things and stopped taking his calls. So you both handled this situation poorly and added fuel to the fire mutually. At this point, I'd recommend that you take some time to cool off, leave him to cool off as well and talk about it later when you can have a simple stress free conversation about how you don't appreciate being made fun of. Some people can handle it, you cannot. It's not wrong or unusual. I kind of think he got the message...though....so I'm not sure that you really need to flog that horse again. In reality you both owe each other an apology on how you both handled this.

In what way was he telling you that you were doing them wrong? Was it actually helpful, like food still on a plate or loading small plastics on the bottom shelf of the dishwasher? Or just for the sake of nitpicking? And what was the joke he made?

It's actually kind of a running theme with my fiancee, me, and our friends that I'm far and away the more "domestic" one, and there's some good humor that comes from it. Despite the fact I know damn well from personal experience that the stereotypes are far from true, there's a sense of novelty for a lot of people seem to get when a woman may not be amazing with chores or, conversely, when a guy is. I'm not saying it's exactly the most amazing humor out there, and it's definitely worth considering if you find your senses of humor aren't lining up, but that it may not be worth taking too personal.

Still, while I might step in if a plastic cup risks getting melted, a glass is being stacked in the strainer in a way it's about to break, or if there's a crusty patch still left on a plate, if there isn't a risk of damage or attracting critters, I don't say anything when she happens to take initiative with the dishes. Were I to, she'd be well within her rights to tell me flat out to help myself to the dish soap and sponge. Though I would say it's worth noting regardless if he's micromanaging your cleaning habits in your own apartment.

It's up to you to gauge how big a deal it is in the grand scheme of your relationship. At the end of the day, if this is the sort of subject matter that results in a shouting fit and ignored phone calls, it'd seem the incompatibility goes beyond dish washing and mild humor made at a partner's expense. It's not that your feelings aren't valid or that it's not perfectly reasonable not to want someone else coaching you on how you take care of your own home or to take that and make jokes with his friends about it, but that something else would seem to be pretty wrong for it to get to the point it did, whether it's this speaking to a broader habit of his, how either or both of you escalate issues, you two simply not being a fit, or all of the above.

My husband is awful with washing dishes, he uses a brush and half the time, I have to rewash some of the things he's left in the strainer to dry. Do I say anything to him? No way, if I do I risk the pain of him never doing them because I know he's not adverse to saying: "Well, since I can't do them right, I'll leave them to you."

Op: He may have been a twit to criticize you when he doesn't even do them himself but I think you over reacted by not talking to him. You both dug your heals in over a very trivial matter. Let it go and next time he's over your place, ask him to please do the dishes while you go about tidying up everything else. If you always do everything, then he's going to expect that its YOUR job and you are going to become extremely resentful of him and his expectations of you.

Do you hang out as his place an equal amount of time? It's unclear why you allow him to treat you like a servant in your own place. Do not invite him over as much and stop cleaning up after him. Stop acting like a free bnb with benefits. Stop arguing about this, he doesn't want to see your point. He doesn't respect you because you allow this by acting like his servant/free motel. Just stop. Stop explaining. Take action instead.

My boyfriend and me are not living together. He sometimes hangs out at my place. I clean after him when he leaves mess after he goes away.?

As for the fight and how it turned out, I agree with DancingFool, you both handled it badly.

But I too want to focus on the fact that you clean up after him. Does he ever take the initiative to do ANY type of cleaning? Even if it is to just bring the used dishes to the sink? If he does, do you tell him not to? When you are at his place,is everything tidy? Does he clean up after you at his place? or do you clean up for both there too?

For me this is very important and a great preview of what you'll get if you ever take the next step and move in with each other. I'm not one for chores, but if I have people over, I do clean up after myself and especially if I'm a guest. Heck, I'm better at doing chores in another person's house than mine. All the times I've lived with someone, I'm careful and always do my best and still sometimes I've gotten into arguments.

Many couples have these type of arguments and in some cases the differences of what one considers clean makes or breaks the relationship even, or at least triggers bad fights of underlying issues. Anyways, I want to conclude that it's a dynamic that the couple builds. Don't let him get away with not cleaning up after himself. After some point in a relationship, you're no longer considered a guest in one's home.

Ok so not only does he act like he's at the Hilton with room service and maid service, but he ridicules you on purpose and then in front of friends? Then gets mad at you. Of course he's mad at you. You stood up for yourself and his point is to be passive-aggressive and stick it to you in underhanded ways. This has absolutely nothing to do with dishes. He's trying to put you in your place and training you for the disrespect and verbal abuse ahead, when he moves in and you're his slave/mommy..

...Why do so many women put up with so much crap? There reply are loads of great guys out there who would never think to treat you much such disdain. You're meant to be in a partnership. He isn't paying you not are you his slave.

Why not just laugh and say, "Oh? That sounds like an offer to help. Good. Anything you see around my apartment that you can do better, please step up and demonstrate how it 'should' be done."

Beyond that, what's to care about?

The issue, as I can see it, is him going to your friends and purposely embarrassing you in front of them--that is what I'd have an issue with. Joke or not--there's truth in jest and he made a failed attempt at cloaking his criticism of you in front of friends in a joke.

If this was such a problem to him, you two could have had an adult conversation about it in private and come to a compromise for both of your houses.

But for him to cop a stank attitude when you point out to him (and not in front of your friends, BTW) that he leaves your place a mess for you to clean, but he's going snatch pearls about the way you washed a dish tells me you're dealing with someone who's a little too juvenile.

Ok so not only does he act like he's at the Hilton with room service and maid service, but he ridicules you on purpose and then in front of friends? Then gets mad at you. Of course he's mad at you. You stood up for yourself and his point is to be passive-aggressive and stick it to you in underhanded ways. This has absolutely nothing to do with dishes. He's trying to put you in your place and training you for the disrespect and verbal abuse ahead, when he moves in and you're his slave/mommy..

^^This. All. Day. Long.

OP, you'd be well served to give a long, hard rethink about the wisdom in being with someone like him. This is just the tip of his iceberg. Don't move in together because if you think things are bad now, just wait til he's in your space 24/7 leaving a mess, but lording over you, lecturing about how you wash a dish or vacuum a rug or do the laundry, then taking the story to your friends and family.

The issue, as I can see it, is him going to your friends and purposely embarrassing you in front of them--that is what I'd have an issue with. Joke or not--there's truth in jest and he made a failed attempt at cloaking his criticism of you in front of friends in a joke.

 

If this was such a problem to him, you two could have had an adult conversation about it in private and come to a compromise for both of your houses.

 

But for him to cop a stank attitude when you point out to him (and not in front of your friends, BTW) that he leaves your place a mess for you to clean, but he's going snatch pearls about the way you washed a dish tells me you're dealing with someone who's a little too juvenile.

 

 

 

^^This. All. Day. Long.

 

OP, you'd be well served to give a long, hard rethink about the wisdom in being with someone like him. This is just the tip of his iceberg. Don't move in together because if you think things are bad now, just wait til he's in your space 24/7 leaving a mess, but lording over you, lecturing about how you wash a dish or vacuum a rug or do the laundry, then taking the story to your friends and family.

^^^ that's what I think it turned a benign issue into something more. It seemed like she was navigating the differences in cleaning, because two people are often not exactly alike.

But for him to use a public forum drive his point home at her expense was unnecessary. If it hurt her to be ridiculed under the guise of `being teased' about it, then he needs to recognize that.

He did promise to do better and I agree, a compassionate adult convo was in order here.

It's not too late to have one.