Boyfriend doesn’t want me to meet his friends

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for exactly one year. Everything has been okay so far. What I mean by that is that in general we’ve been fine we’ve had our fights, with one being really serious and we almost broke up, but when we talked about it he started crying and said he doesn’t want to lose me so we made up. Everything has been perfect ever since.

I believe that it takes time and you have to really know the other person to feel real and honest love for someone so I can’t say I love him to death but I’m definitely in love with him.

I thought he felt the same way but now I’m not so sure.

As I said it’s been a year since we met and started dating. He has a group of friends that he has known since childhood and another group that he met this year in college. I’ve met some of his childhood friends, and he doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want me to meet the rest it just hasn’t happened. I’ve met none of his college friends and as they live far from us and he rarely ever goes out with them. I actually never really thought about meeting them and we never talked about it. I should mention he has met all of my friends. And I should also mention his college friends are both boys and girls (attractive ones some in relationships).

So we had plans for Saturday and he told me to reschedule for sunday because he made plans with the college kids on Saturday. I didn’t think any of it I said that’s fine. And then he texted me asking if I want to go as well with him on Saturday. I got really happy because I did want to meet them and then before I had time to answer he texted me again telling me to say no.

I just didn’t know how to respond to that so I just asked him why should I do that and he actually seemed irritated and told me to just say it. I asked again and he said because he wanted to send a screenshot to them of me saying no. And so I did and then I asked him “Why don’t you want me to come as well?” And he got even more angry and he said “No reason *eye roll*” and then changed the subject.

I got so sad and angry. Why does he not want me to meet his friends? I’m supposed to be an important part on his life he should be excited about me meeting them. I thought maybe he’s embarrassed about me but why would he be? And if he is then why is he with me for one year? Then I thought maybe he likes someone from that group. I honestly have no clue. Maybe I’m just not important to him but that wouldn’t explain why he was so negative about it.

Should I do something about it? I feel like if I just let it go it’ll keep bugging me and that never ends well. But I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him about it he’ll definitely deny everything and just make up an excuse.

If he wanted to show someone you saying no to that invite, there's definitely something wrong. Ask him in person in a very kind way what that is. If he gets upset his fight-or-flight response is triggered. If that's the case he's hiding something. You seem like a nice girl, what he just did with that texting is very mean in my opinion.

What was that big fight about?

If he wanted to show someone you saying no to that invite, there's definitely something wrong. Ask him in person in a very kind way what that is. If he gets upset his fight-or-flight response is triggered. If that's the case he's hiding something. You seem like a nice girl, what he just did with that texting is very mean in my opinion.

 

What was that big fight about?

I’m pretty sure if I talk to him about it he’ll get really defensive. And even if he doesn’t, he won’t admit to anything. From what he said they told him to bring me as well and he asked me to say no because he didn’t want to tell them he doesn’t want me there.

The big fight was about something related to the beginning of our relationship. The first 2-3 months I felt so neglected and when I told him he made me think I made everything up in my mind. And then as time went by his behaviour changed. I asked him why was he like that at the beginning and he said he didn’t care about me, but now it’s not like that and I felt so hurt. I’ve mentioned the rest in my thread.

He's hiding something, I hope it's not you he's hiding. He actually admitted he didn't want you there?

If you're sure he'll get defensive (angry) when you confront him, just walk away. Get all defensive and annoyed is not the way you treat a girl who's just having some bad thoughts about that texting. I don't want you to do things you regret, but in my opinion, he's being a . Do something about that.

I also find it very strange that he wanted "proof" of you saying no to show his buddies. That makes no sense and is generally very immature. It feels like he was setting you up for some reason and looking for a fight.

Something doesn't add up, OP. If you two can't talk about this without him getting defensive and evasive, you don't have much of a relationship to begin with. Whatever you do, I would not just sweep this under the rug. He sounds like a hothead and quite dismissive of you, which are both big red flags.

I also find it very strange that he wanted "proof" of you saying no to show his buddies. That makes no sense and is generally very immature. It feels like he was setting you up for some reason and looking for a fight.

 

Something doesn't add up, OP. If you two can't talk about this without him getting defensive and evasive, you don't have much of a relationship to begin with. Whatever you do, I would not just sweep this under the rug. He sounds like a hothead and quite dismissive of you, which are both big red flags.

I initially thought that him wanting proof was strange as well, but on second thought I have sent screenshots as proof in the past without having a specific reason.

The truth is that he is a hothead, but that’s something that I decided to live with, we all have our flaws. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know. The incident I described in my thread does make it sound like he’s dismissive of me, but he hasn’t shown any signs of it before.

We’ll meet on friday. I thought maybe I’ll talk to him and I’ll try to be as kind as possible. What do you think is the best way to respond if he gets angry?

He's hiding something, I hope it's not you he's hiding. He actually admitted he didn't want you there?

 

If you're sure he'll get defensive (angry) when you confront him, just walk away. Get all defensive and annoyed is not the way you treat a girl who's just having some bad thoughts about that texting. I don't want you to do things you regret, but in my opinion, he's being a . Do something about that.

What do you think I should do?

I’m just trying to think all of the possible explanations of what he’s trying to hide and I can only think he’s hiding me, there’s something going on with someone from that group or he just doesn’t care about me enough so that he’d want me to meet them.

I forgot to mention I have met his parents and pretty much all of his family very early in the relationship. That’s another reason why I just can’t seem to figure this out. If he was embarrassed about me wouldn’t he be embarrassed about me meeting them? Same goes for his few friends I’ve met.

If he starts to yell and stuff or get defensive or evasive, STAY COOL. Say to yourself before you get to that conversation: "If he get's mad, I won't get mad also, I'm not like that, I need to stay myself, even in a fight!"

I thinks it's the most important thing to stay as neutral as possible. I'd say: sorry *boyfriend*, but if you get mad at me like this, for that reason, I don't want to be near you right now. This is not how you treat me, this is disrespectful.

I forgot to mention I have met his parents and pretty much all of his family very early in the relationship. That’s another reason why I just can’t seem to figure this out. If he was embarrassed about me wouldn’t he be embarrassed about me meeting them? Same goes for his few friends I’ve met.

Don't think about how it was in the beginning, things can change. Don't compare how it was in the beginning to understand things in the present.

Also, he might just be ashamed or something because of the most stupid reason. It might be something so stupid that you wonder why he would even hide that from you. You should try your best to not make conclusions before you had a proper talk. If you can't get a proper talk, assume the worst and act like it.

You need to not tiptoe around him. This is your boyfriend of a year.

Be direct but not accusatory. Explain how you felt when this incident happened, and what for him to fill in the blanks. If he gets angry that you even mention this, then I would assume he is hiding something from you and projecting.

>>Why does he not want me to meet his friends? I'm *supposed* to be an important part of his life, he should be excited to have me meet them.

^Well after an entire year dating, the logical answer to this question is that he does *not* consider you such an important part of his life.

That is what I would conclude if this were me.

No I don't agree he is hiding anything, if he were hiding something surely these good friends of his would know about it and not be pressuring him to bring you around.

Bottom line, he doesn't want to.

Why?

To some people, introducing a partner to good friends and close family suggests the relationship is more serious than what he actually considers it to be.

It also may suggest commitment issues, which is why he first asked, then took it back.

After he asked, he began to feel anxious, overthinking about what meeting his friends means, and if you will start to think it's serious and want more.

So he took it back, thus alleviating his anxiety and maintaining the status quo.

Re needing "proof" that you said no for his friends, good god this guy's anxieties are out of control!

Not uncommon for someone with these types of issues, fears, anxieties.

Unless you're okay with the status quo and the relationship not progressing much from this point (which is fine if you're okay with that), my advice would be to wish him well and walk away.

Maybe he just wanted a guys night out

>>Why does he not want me to meet his friends? I'm *supposed* to be an important part of his life, he should be excited to have me meet them.

 

^Well after an entire year dating, the logical answer to this question is that he does *not* consider you such an important part of his life.

 

That is what I would conclude if this were me.

 

No I don't agree he is hiding anything, if he were hiding something surely these good friends of his would know about it and not be pressuring him to bring you around.

 

Bottom line, he doesn't want to.

 

Why?

 

To some people, introducing a partner to friends and family suggests the relationship is more serious than what he actually considers it to be.

 

It also may suggest commitment issues, which is why he first asked, then took it back.

 

After he asked, he began to feel anxious, overthinking about what meeting his friends means, and if you will start to think it's serious and want more.

 

So he took it back, thus alleviating his anxiety about it snd maintaining the status quo.

 

Re needing "proof" that you said no for his friends, good god this guy's anxieties are out of control.

 

Not uncommon for someone with the tyoes of issue, fears, anxieties.

 

If this were me, I would cut my losses now and walk, unless you're okay with the relationship not progressing much from this point.

If that’s the case (which probably is) do you think that this could change in the future? As I said in the beginning he was treating my poorly and then as time went on he changed so maybe that’s what will happen now as well.

I don’t know, I’ve met his family and I have a pretty good relationship with his sister and he has said many times in the past that I’m his first serious relationship. He obviously could be lying, but he had no reason to say that in the first place.

Maybe he just wanted a guys night out

there are girls as well in the group.

If that’s the case (which probably is) do you think that this could change in the future? As I said in the beginning he was treating my poorly and then as time went on he changed so maybe that’s what will happen now as well.

 

I don’t know, I’ve met his family and I have a pretty good relationship with his sister and he has said many times in the past that I’m his first serious relationship. He obviously could be lying, but he had no reason to say that in the first place.

Sure anything can happen, it's up to you and what your goal is, and how long you're wiling to wait to achieve that goal.

I modified my post above at the end, cause frankly if I felt loved and secure, and everything else was going well and we both made each other happy, I might try to understand his anxieties and give it more time.

But marriage wasn't (isn't) necessarily my goal so I can afford to give it more time.

I wouldn't "talk" to him about it, that will most likely cause him more anxiety and put him on the defensive.

He's simply not ready for you to meet his good friends yet!

So up to you, and again what your goal is and how long you're willing to wait for it. :)

JMO.

Do you think he found out his college sweetheart would be there?

You've got many different views on your situation now. If any opinions made you feel like wow ok he/she is absolutely right, you can consider following that advice. But keep listening to your inner self, okay?

Do you think he found out his college sweetheart would be there?

If that’s the case he would have known before asking me. And I also don’t think his friends would suggest me to come as well if they knew something like that was going on.

OP, I just read your initial post again and him literally demanding you say no (first two sentences, fifth paragraph) so he could send a screen shot of it to his friends???

I would seriously consider cutting your loses here, that is just nuts!

But your call.

Good luck whatever you choose to do. :)

You've got many different views on your situation now. If any opinions made you feel like wow ok he/she is absolutely right, you can consider following that advice. But keep listening to your inner self, okay?

Yes of course and thank you very much for your help

OP, I just read your initial post again and him literally demanding you say no (first two sentences, fifth paragraph) so he could send a screen shot of it to his friends???

 

I would seriously consider cutting your loses here, that is just nuts!

 

But your call.

 

Good luck whatever you choose to do. :)

thank you very much :)

I initially thought that him wanting proof was strange as well, but on second thought I have sent screenshots as proof in the past without having a specific reason.

 

The truth is that he is a hothead, but that’s something that I decided to live with, we all have our flaws. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know. The incident I described in my thread does make it sound like he’s dismissive of me, but he hasn’t shown any signs of it before.

 

We’ll meet on friday. I thought maybe I’ll talk to him and I’ll try to be as kind as possible. What do you think is the best way to respond if he gets angry?

It sounds like you put up with a lot. Why? He sounds rude and disrespectful.

he is clearly hiding something. i would think that he likes another girl in that group and does not want you around.

I think that this is the tip pf his behavior. I would question why you tolerate it?

Stop being a doormat to this guy. This is part of the problem. You may get some answer if you stuck uo for yourself.

If that’s the case (which probably is) do you think that this could change in the future? As I said in the beginning he was treating my poorly and then as time went on he changed so maybe that’s what will happen now as well.

 

I don’t know, I’ve met his family and I have a pretty good relationship with his sister and he has said many times in the past that I’m his first serious relationship. He obviously could be lying, but he had no reason to say that in the first place.

He was treating you poorly in the beginning, and you continued. Well, he is still treating you poorly. He has not/will not change. You should never be with someone hoping they will change.

Change boyfriends.

He was treating you poorly in the beginning, and you continued. Well, he is still treating you poorly. He has not/will not change. You should never be with someone hoping they will change.

 

Change boyfriends.

You may be right Holls, but OP said he treated her poorly in the beginning (subjective as to what she meant by "poorly") but as time went on he "changed."

By changed, I presume she means treating her well? At least according to her standards.

So yeah, while I do agree to not expect people to change, in this case he *did* change, so in time it's possible he could feel less anxious and more comfortable havng her meet his friends.

**It took my own brother (one of them) literally TWO YEARS before he introduced his now wife to us and his good friends.**

That said, this thing about needing proof she said no so he could screen shot his friends is nuts, and suggests deeper issues.