he's stuck me in limbo AGAIN!!.. 3+ years & round 2

I am a 29 year old female, turning 30 in June. My boyfriend is 26 and will turn 27 shortly after I turn 30. We met at work- even after working several years "together" (using quotes because together meaning same company but diff areas so it was years before formal introductions were ever made between us).

Finally though after a break up with his gf of 4 years and me in an abusive relationship that I'm sure would have resulted in my death I was approached by him and told that my only co-worker I would call a friend- his friend as well- so the only mutual tie between us, had told him about my home life situation and he offered me a "safe haven" using the exact words of "my apartment has 2 extra rooms one for you and your daughter, I am sorry because I am sure it is sensitive but you know __insert gossiping friends name here___ told me that you maybe aren't safe at home. I obviously did not just jump and do that but from that text on we did start texting from 6 am until the early hours of the AM-2 and 3 in the morning early. This was early March 2015 but within 3 weeks I had decided that I was in love with him and wanted to be with him- he had decided the same, and so I left my boyfriend and my fear of being beat to death in the past from there. So by the start of April (I moved fast I know) I had told my landlord I would be moving and boyfriend it was over and we moved to a nearby town to live closer to one another. By late August/early Sept 2015 he had broke up with me though. And he would play the most horrible mind games with me- the kind that made me certain that emotional abuse hurts more than the bruises a beating leaves behind- by mind games I mean he tricked me into having sex with him or doing x type sexual thing- at one point him having a gf that I never even knew about. So this goes on from Early September 2015 until October 2016 when he tells me he is done with the games, he feels himself losing me, he realized he has made a horrible mistake please give him a second chance. I can not help it so I do, I go with it and hope for the best and everything has been great until August when I lost my job at a company we both worked for. I was depressed of course but by January of this year I could tell that reliance upon him to catch me when I fall was nonexistent and would be a bad idea. But early March comes around and something changes- he is almost falling under the lovely saying of being a guilty dog barking loudest with the false accusations made against me by him of cheating- he is almost fishing and desperately to take this situation and that one and put them together to make them more than they are, like he will get the outcome of being cheated on if he just kept at it. I spent half my week with him because of my joint custody agreement of 4 days that my daughter spend with me and me one week and 3 the next, so on and so forth. It had got to where I would spend the first of 3-4 nights with him and the next morning he is already starting a fight with me to have an excuse basically to get rid of me and bring me home. He did this on our anniversary as well- March 18 and 19- because I say one day he says another and we celebrate both. I spent them home alone as I have the last 3 weeks because he ended up pretending, legit pretending he's caught me doing something AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IF YOU ASK HIM HE WONT SAY ANY REASON WHY EITHER.. JUST 'DON'T WORRY I CAUGHT YOU'.. but the last few weeks have been horrible. week one after break up was not accepting it, week 2 was crying alot now we are onto week three and he has been talking to me for the last 2 weeks and he does it in ways that imply we aren't broke up. but his actions are louder. He has already faked catching me cheat on him - come to find out he offered someone to try and set me up to actually cheat- give him any evidence and then he could use that? who does that. The fact that he can't spend one night with me without wanting away and bringing me home, No I love you, no structure and no consideration for myself either. He has me blocked but only on specific forms of social media- snap chat and instagram I am blocked there- ig was blocked unblocked blocked unblocked now just blocked-, fb and twitter though I am not. He is also out of town for work- this last weekend I go out with a gf and I am wanting to show her photos of a girl -a girl whose recent ex after many years together being one of my..ex bf's ..bf's ??good friends, she has also tried to get with my boyfriend for sex- to show my friend this girls picture and name and see does she maybe know her, I can not think of her name.. so I add her boyfriend to my fb friends and then realize oh well I can scroll through his pics and surely shes liked one and then from there I will know her name without even having to add him but my boyfriend who is again in AL while we live in TN has messaged me about adding his friend before I can even cancel the request. When I ask how he knew and explain why he doesn't seem bothered by me explaining why but asking how he knew makes him angry.. There are many more things I could list off but those are a few to start with. but this is the second time that I have been broke up with by him for no reason. I can not help but think that it is for another girl.. in a way I believe last time we broke up it was specifically for a girl or to date but using me for sex along the way was the problem there and this time for certain I feel like this has something to do with a girl. I can not get him to be honest with me and he wont see me or call me, so we only text.

I am not sure what to do here- this could be the worst time for me to feel abandoned; I have no family- with my job loss I needed him and he promised to have my back,. I feel so vulnerable and let down. I don't know do I walk away or hang out until I can find out exactly whats up or maybe we even get back together.. because my dumb ass would most certainly take him back.

 

any kind of help, advice, thoughts (besides that I should not go back -because I know this) would be great :)

 

-E

So you want to know whether to stay or leave a guy who treats you horribly and cheats on you? What do you think? (Hint: the answer is leave!)

Woah how did you get your font so small? Sorry I had a hard time reading it. I agree with DanZee, please move on and dump him.

Definitely dump him! No reason to find out what's going on, I mean, honestly, let's say you do find out, so what? What's the prize?

 

I've been in a relationship like that and it took me years to find the guts to leave. Gaslighting is the worse and that's what he's doing to you. Blaming you for something he's doing.

One thing you really need to do though is to start therapy. You went from one abusive relationship to another and if you don't sort out the reasons you are doing this to yourself and your daughter, you will only end up in another one. I'm not saying it's your fault per se, but abusive people seek people like us to be their victims.

If you have been placed in Limbo, you are the only person that can get out of it. Limbo is a 'holding cell' with a large wall blocking forward motion. As the person who put you there is unlikely to help you out of this space (in most cases), you have to make the decision. Usually it is for the best anyway as the relationship has come to its useful end.

I am a 29 year old female, turning 30 in June. My boyfriend is 26 and will turn 27 shortly after I turn 30. We met at work- even after working several years "together" (using quotes because together meaning same company but diff areas so it was years before formal introductions were ever made between us).

Finally though after a break up with his gf of 4 years and me in an abusive relationship that I'm sure would have resulted in my death I was approached by him and told that my only co-worker I would call a friend- his friend as well- so the only mutual tie between us, had told him about my home life situation and he offered me a "safe haven" using the exact words of "my apartment has 2 extra rooms one for you and your daughter, I am sorry because I am sure it is sensitive but you know __insert gossiping friends name here___ told me that you maybe aren't safe at home. I obviously did not just jump and do that but from that text on we did start texting from 6 am until the early hours of the AM-2 and 3 in the morning early. This was early March 2015 but within 3 weeks I had decided that I was in love with him and wanted to be with him- he had decided the same, and so I left my boyfriend and my fear of being beat to death in the past from there. So by the start of April (I moved fast I know) I had told my landlord I would be moving and boyfriend it was over and we moved to a nearby town to live closer to one another. By late August/early Sept 2015 he had broke up with me though. And he would play the most horrible mind games with me- the kind that made me certain that emotional abuse hurts more than the bruises a beating leaves behind- by mind games I mean he tricked me into having sex with him or doing x type sexual thing- at one point him having a gf that I never even knew about. So this goes on from Early September 2015 until October 2016 when he tells me he is done with the games, he feels himself losing me, he realized he has made a horrible mistake please give him a second chance. I can not help it so I do, I go with it and hope for the best and everything has been great until August when I lost my job at a company we both worked for. I was depressed of course but by January of this year I could tell that reliance upon him to catch me when I fall was nonexistent and would be a bad idea. But early March comes around and something changes- he is almost falling under the lovely saying of being a guilty dog barking loudest with the false accusations made against me by him of cheating- he is almost fishing and desperately to take this situation and that one and put them together to make them more than they are, like he will get the outcome of being cheated on if he just kept at it. I spent half my week with him because of my joint custody agreement of 4 days that my daughter spend with me and me one week and 3 the next, so on and so forth. It had got to where I would spend the first of 3-4 nights with him and the next morning he is already starting a fight with me to have an excuse basically to get rid of me and bring me home. He did this on our anniversary as well- March 18 and 19- because I say one day he says another and we celebrate both. I spent them home alone as I have the last 3 weeks because he ended up pretending, legit pretending he's caught me doing something AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IF YOU ASK HIM HE WONT SAY ANY REASON WHY EITHER.. JUST 'DON'T WORRY I CAUGHT YOU'.. but the last few weeks have been horrible. week one after break up was not accepting it, week 2 was crying alot now we are onto week three and he has been talking to me for the last 2 weeks and he does it in ways that imply we aren't broke up. but his actions are louder. He has already faked catching me cheat on him - come to find out he offered someone to try and set me up to actually cheat- give him any evidence and then he could use that? who does that. The fact that he can't spend one night with me without wanting away and bringing me home, No I love you, no structure and no consideration for myself either. He has me blocked but only on specific forms of social media- snap chat and instagram I am blocked there- ig was blocked unblocked blocked unblocked now just blocked-, fb and twitter though I am not. He is also out of town for work- this last weekend I go out with a gf and I am wanting to show her photos of a girl -a girl whose recent ex after many years together being one of my..ex bf's ..bf's ??good friends, she has also tried to get with my boyfriend for sex- to show my friend this girls picture and name and see does she maybe know her, I can not think of her name.. so I add her boyfriend to my fb friends and then realize oh well I can scroll through his pics and surely shes liked one and then from there I will know her name without even having to add him but my boyfriend who is again in AL while we live in TN has messaged me about adding his friend before I can even cancel the request. When I ask how he knew and explain why he doesn't seem bothered by me explaining why but asking how he knew makes him angry.. There are many more things I could list off but those are a few to start with. but this is the second time that I have been broke up with by him for no reason. I can not help but think that it is for another girl.. in a way I believe last time we broke up it was specifically for a girl or to date but using me for sex along the way was the problem there and this time for certain I feel like this has something to do with a girl. I can not get him to be honest with me and he wont see me or call me, so we only text.

I am not sure what to do here- this could be the worst time for me to feel abandoned; I have no family- with my job loss I needed him and he promised to have my back,. I feel so vulnerable and let down. I don't know do I walk away or hang out until I can find out exactly whats up or maybe we even get back together.. because my dumb ass would most certainly take him back.

 

any kind of help, advice, thoughts (besides that I should not go back -because I know this) would be great :)

 

-E

I'm sorry you feel so alone going through all this. It makes letting him go harder. But it is paramount to your emotional well being to let go. You need to seek a counselor maybe to help you being your journey to finding your self. You were first in an physically abusive relationship. That relationship took some of who you were away. Your self esteem and confidence were given a huge blow because of the abuse. Then this man that represents stability and safety to you is emotionally abusing you. He is using your insecurities to keep you when he wants you. Its wrong and he shouldnt be given that advantage anymore. Get some professional advice on how to begin to help yourself heal from all this trauma these mean have helped cause for you. Know that if you are strong and push forward you will be the better person for it. I promise you this. I have been through a similar situation and I finally had to learn to love myself more. I'm happier and stronger than I have ever been. Believe in yourself and look to yourself first. You are more important to yourself than anyone will ever be. I wish you good luck and hope you will maybe let me know hiw it is fairing for you.

I read your post. I can not relate because its all over the place. No I am not a grammer guy, the whole post is frantic and panicky.

 

Let's think about that. The whole relationship seems frantic and panicky. Either you like that type of relationship (romantic, family, etc..) Or you don't. You decide what you want and then decide what to do.

Op: Are you getting ongoing therapy to help you to stay away from abusive men? I don't say that with malice, I'm just asking because if you are not, then please look into getting yourself started with a good therapist. Do it for yourself and for your daughter who is being subjected to men that abuse you. You are teaching her that it's okay to be abused by men (or anyone for that matter) because its normal when, as you clearly know, it is not. If she doesn't grow up to be abused like you are being by the men you choose, then she herself will be abusive.

 

Time to get more help then what laymen strangers on the internet can give you. We can be here to give you a place to vent but no matter what you're told here, you'll not act on it with your current state of non existent self worth and lack of respect of self. You need to learn how to nurture your inner child and process any dysfunctional rearing during childhood.

 

Time to learn how to leave someone who doesn't value you without having another man waiting in the wings. When you have that kind of dynamic going on, you're likely never to find a man that won't abuse you in one way or the other.