What's with the "safety net"

One thing that bothers me is the "safety net" why do people or in my case females always have a "back up" plan in case their current situation doesn't work. All it does is leading people on until you are ready. Why not just be unavailable until you are available. Why not be okay with the fact that in case the current situation doesn't work you take a break and not jump into anything right away. I just don't understand why and it is frustrating while also infuriating.

Two main reasons as I see it.

First. They are insecure and need to have a backup for their own personal security because they base their personal self worth off their desirability to others.

Second. They are to weak willed to make a hard choice and stand by it. They can't deal with the consequences of their actions. By not explicitly dealing with the situation they hope to remove themselves from the fallout.

I never keep a backup. If I'm with someone, I'm not interested in anyone else. No matter how hard they try.

I think those that do fear being alone. It leads to mistrust though because most often the backup man will be thinking the female has another backup if she ends up dating him.

Haha! Sweetgirl is my pet name for my daughter. She'd better follow this too, don't have a backup, and don't be a back up:tongue:

My daughter is 3 and hers is "silly girl".

Well....females don't always have a back up. Some insecure people who just can't be alone either try to maintain a back up or monkey branch from relationship to relationship. Remember that you always have the option not to get involved with these kinds of people by either being the back, totally in your control to say "no thanks" and move on or by dumping the person who is not fully committed to you, as in the "back up" can have them and their problems too.

When you say that this your experience that all females do this, you kind of have to look at yourself as the common denominator. What attracts you to insecure females who behave this way and what can you do differently to avoid these kinds of people if you don't like this kind of dynamic?

Do you mean if you were the backup when she was on/off with her ex and now again bf or if he was the backup before you two broke up?

I'm loyal to a fault so I never understood this concept! I think having a back up plan sets you up for failure.

Didnt mean all females. I just pointed to females in general because I only date females. Guys too have back ups I know that but just in general. Most of the time I find out about this back up after the fact. I normally just ignore it until I see it could be a problem. Just come across too many of these as of late. Having options available while dating I get. Once they want to commit and be official then you should drop them. More often then not they let them linger. For example another thread about a guy wondering what "I don't want a relationship right now" question means. Lots of guys take that as "try harder". That girl obviously has someone else or not interested so why let them linger of the thought there is a chance. Why give hope when you know there is no chance. Why say that thinking the guy will get the message. Straight up "no" would be far better than "not looking for a relationship right now".

I say this because I took at one point was the receiving end of that phrase. Didn't know what it meant. I was even able to get a phone number. Started talking thinking that she wanted me to try harder. Then one day we got together and few months in I was the plan b guy. My ego shattered and frustrated things didn't and well after that. Then to find out she had another plan b guy just waiting in the wings. If it had been a no straight forward. Nothing would of transpired and would of saved both of us the trouble. I just don't get it.

Unfair generalisation. That is all.

Are you having the 'exclusive' conversation in a timely manner?

Then one day we got together and few months in I was the plan b guy.

I am going to chime in and say I guess this is what I was for my ex ( of a second time).

Pulled me back in for abt 6 mos... andl he pulled away again

I was her 'fill-in' for a while.. since he kinda pulled away from her and leaned more my way,

BUT, she was not totally non existant. Ticks me off! :/.

Of course, i got hurt..again .Makes one feel really hurt & stupid. MY emotions were involved... i highly

doubt he's got any!

He gave distance.. for abt a week, until I spoke up and admitted i could tell he was distant with me.. and let

him go.

9 days later, she is back.

Has been about 6 weeks now.. it's still painful :(.

Feeling led on... with no intent? I dont get it!

When I am seeing someone it is only THEM. I have never had an ex sit in corner. If we were done.. we

were done.

What's baffling is this guy is in his frekin 50's. I just don't get it :/.

I liked him.. he new that! He took me for one helluva spin.

Hate that I had such an experience. Is really painful.

To come to feel like you were really nothing special in the end. That or he wasn't able to let her go, totally.

And leaned my way... confused? I don't know.. but HE messed up!

His choice.. his doing. Whether they work out.. he can deal with that!

I didn't do this to him!

He had someone who really, truly liked him!

His loss as well.

usually let them bring it up. If they bring it up and I feel the same then its time for me to drop everyone else that I am dating. Then my attention is on that one person. I won't lie I will glance at females to my liking but that's about it. Woman are beautiful and its not harm in looking but I trust the person I am with to be the same. Someone said the signs are there but I am not with them 24/7 not do I want to be even if we get married. Each of us need our own spaces to be alone to be with family to be with friends and to be with each other. So no I don't see the signs because when they are with me physically I don't see then doing anything like flirting with anyone else. If they are with friends I trust them not to cross a line. Could there be flirting?? Maybe but I trust them not to cross that line nor will I cross her space when they are out with friends. I don't even check phones because again I trust them not to do anything like that.

You need to bring up the exclusivity talk. Your being this passive/ blasé has yielded the results you are seeing repeatedly. They assume you are dating around and won't invest in you.

usually let them bring it up. If they bring it up and I feel the same then its time for me to drop everyone else that I am dating.

Well I try to keep that one in Monday next time haha as I am single now.

Unfair generalisation. That is all.

Thank you, sportster. I was wondering why no one said this.

I'm wary of anyone man or woman who complains with such broad generalizations. It tends to mean they have an issue looking inward.

Instead of saying 'why do people always do this' say 'why do some of the women I choose to date keep their backups.'

I mean let's be honest when a " why won't any man commit to me' post pops up folks aren't chiming in claiming ' Oh I'm not one of those guys' because it's quite obvious something the woman is doing and OPer, it's either something you're doing or the women your attracted to.

Unfair and ridiculous generalization.

I normally just ignore it until I see it could be a problem.

If you see that there's someone else in the picture, why don't you address it rather than ignore it. Ask a question. Challenge the situation a little.

I never keep a backup. If I'm with someone, I'm not interested in anyone else. No matter how hard they try.

I think those that do fear being alone. It leads to mistrust though because most often the backup man will be thinking the female has another backup if she ends up dating him.

Same w/me, if I'm in a relationship, I'm w/that guy only, no backups. The only time I ever had backups was when I was dating, I would still be talking to other guys even if I went on 2 dates w/another guy. All the game playing made me have backups. When I met my bf, after the 2nd date, I cut off all other guys I was talking to.

I dated someone who at all times had a Plan A B C so he'd never be left exposed or alone. It's fundamentally a cowardly insecure move and stems from a fear of being alone and co-dependency. It is also a power move by someone who wants to protect himself from ever "losing." These are the people that can't ever admit they were dumped and can't ever be alone longer than their ex.

It is also a sign of problems in the relationship itself and a lack of commitment. It is having one foot out the door because you anticipate this thing is not going to work out.