She had been on 2 dates with me when she met and slept with someone else

My now girlfriend had been on a date with me and was regularly messaging me. Unknown to me at the time she met a man on a night out and went on to go on several dates and have sex with him several times. For a week or so she stopped texting me around this time but then reappeared and we went on a third date and then our current relationship developed. I know we weren't exclusive at the time but why do I now feel so betrayed. I found out about a month ago and I keep picturing her having sex with this other dude after she had met and been on dates with me. She says she made a mistake but I can't seem to move past this.

She wasn't exclusive with you, you are right, but she has not betrayed you. She didn't make a mistake, you are making her feel like she did. This is the nature of dating. It is naive to believe a person you have not comitted to yet is not sleeping or dating others. I would change your thinking or else you will have a hard time dating.

On the flip side, it is normal to feel a bit intimidated with this knowledge, even though she did nothing wrong. It may be distasteful, however it is up to you if it's a dealbreaker or not. This likely has no impact on her bahavior as a girlfriend. You either move past this and never hold this against her, or you leave.

Unfortunately you seem to have a hard time getting past this and you can't change the past. Replied in your other thread about how difficult this is for you: Found out she slept with someone else during dating

My now girlfriend had been on a date with me and was regularly messaging me. Unknown to me at the time she met a man on a night out and went on to go on several dates and have sex with him several times. For a week or so she stopped texting me around this time but then reappeared and we went on a third date and then our current relationship developed. I know we weren't exclusive at the time but why do I now feel so betrayed. I found out about a month ago and I keep picturing her having sex with this other dude after she had met and been on dates with me. She says she made a mistake but I can't seem to move past this.

If you can't get past it, you should leave her. A relationship can't survive resentment.

The technicality that you weren't exclusive is irrelevant. The way you feel is valid, and you shouldn't apologise for it.

Personally I would dump her. She basically picked someone over you, then fell back on you, when that didn't work out.

She did not do anything wrong. You were barely dating when she was also dating someone else. You need to get over this or break it off if you can’t. Don’t give her a hard time because she did nothing wrong. She didn’t even need to tell you, I give her props that she told you.

How long have you been dating ?

We have been together 10 months... This happened over the previous month and a half while we weren't exclusive

If you love (or at least want to be serious with) this woman, and given the non exclusive start to your relationship - let it go.

She sounds like a truthful girl who is testing you you to see if you have the self esteem and personal strength to let that go and appreciate that she is willing to (embarrassingly) voice her regret.

Who cares that she was hedging her bets - you won out.

You want her, then you have the conversation - "that's in the past, but I want you to be true me from now on"

If she does it again, well walk and don't look back.

At worst you have delayed the hurt process.

There was another thread here recently where the comment was made, "love involves risk of hurt".

Only you can assess whether its worth it to see if this could be something great for you and her.

Good luck, and don't die wondering.

We have been together 10 months... This happened over the previous month and a half while we weren't exclusive

Therapy maybe? There's not much you can do about something that happened in the past, it sucks but it's your reality. If you can't get past it, you may have to move on.

As others have pointed out with today's standards 2 dates in she was still her own free agent. Is it necessarily the way I'd do things? No and I'm assuming you wouldn't either or you wouldn't be upset but she did and she's not really wrong for it. Just different mindsets. Theres really no way around knowing this information.

The fact that you posed this question before isn't very promising.

Most important question for me would be how you found out about this. If she's volunteering this kind of information for no real constructive purpose, that'd matter a whole lot more to me as an indicator she's prone to oversharing for the sake of the drama than her having had sex with a guy when we'd only been on two dates with each other.

The way that I see this is that the two of you were not exclusive and had only been on a couple of dates when this happened. Personally, I don't see any issue with dating multiple people but the line for me is when I start becoming intimate with someone. Perhaps that's why she cut communication off from you to focus on the other guy. Then realized that she was more interested in you, cut him off and pursued you. That's good. You've been together 10 months, she's with you now and the two of you are exclusive, is this not the case?

Most important question for me would be how you found out about this. If she's volunteering this kind of information for no real constructive purpose, that'd matter a whole lot more to me as an indicator she's prone to oversharing for the sake of the drama than her having had sex with a guy when we'd only been on two dates with each other.

^^This and is precisely what I had alluded to as well in your previous thread. You posted in that thread that she volunteered this info without your asking, or even discussing the subject of other people.

No!, she did not tell you because she is a "truthful" girl who wanted to be honest (without your asking), after only two dates, there was NO reason to tell you other than to garner a reaction, shyt-test and cause drama.

You'd be wise to heed to the warning and if I had to venture a guess, the reason why you're still feeling insecure about it and unable to move forward from it, is because her actions in this RL (generally) are questionable, and continue to cause doubt and distrust.

You've been dating 10 months, IF you felt safe and secure in this RL, what she did only two dates in and non-exclusive, would be a *non-issue* at this point.

like everyone else said. This is a non issue. However if you can't get over the fact you need to find someone else.

Most important question for me would be how you found out about this. If she's volunteering this kind of information for no real constructive purpose, that'd matter a whole lot more to me as an indicator she's prone to oversharing for the sake of the drama than her having had sex with a guy when we'd only been on two dates with each other.

Yep, exactly my thinking. Why would someone tell their current lover this if not to manipulate drama and undercut your balance? THAT would be the thing I wouldn't accept.

She was more worried about getting rid of her guilt, or making you jealous, than she was worried about hurting your feelings. Only a very self-serving and inconsiderate person could do this to someone they've been dating 10 months. EVEN if I agree with the others that at the time you were not exclusive and she did not owe you anything - telling you this after 10 months is nothing else but meanness. You spoke about this in March, here you are in April, I don't think that feeling is about to go away. There is no right or wrong here, there is only how you feel about this and if you can or cannot move past it.

I actually don't think she told you out of guilt, I mean if that were the case why wait ten months? Not to mention she had nothing to feel guilty about, you had only had two dates at the time, and weren't anywhere near exclusivity.

I think she's bored and wanted to stir up some jealousy and drama, get you wound up.

Perhaps she thinks you're too passive (in general), and wanted to see what sort of reaction she'd get.

JMO without knowing her and your relationship dynamic up to this point.

 

She says she made a mistake but I can't seem to move past this.

A mistake having sex with someone else, or a mistake telling you?

What was your reaction when she told you?

Are you guilt-tripping her about it?

A mistake having sex with someone else, or a mistake telling you?

 

What was your reaction when she told you?

 

Are you guilt-tripping her about it?

I'm actually interested in these answers too.

I see logically how it's easy to assume she told him unsolicited, for whatever obscure reason, this information.

But unsolicited after 10 months? After his extreme reaction of simply not being about to accept it? It's just not passing the sniff test for me.

There's more to this imo.

If I had to take an educated guess I'd think the fact that she disappeared after a couple of dates then came back around bothered the OPer for whatever reason and either she finally came clean on her own or he pressured her to talk about it.

I'm not saying there aren't people who love to stir the pot, it's just SUPER weird to do it randomly after 10 months. I kinda think there was a reason behind the reveal. I think insecurity is rearing its ugly head here.