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Broke NC - feeling ashamed


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Told my story elsewhere - ditched by fiancee after 8 years around seven weeks ago.

 

Had been doing ok with NC - until yesterday.

 

I met a friend at lunch, was glad of opportunity to unload. He had bought us lunch, but I was so distracted by my woes I didn't register that I was accidentally drinking his coffee! I usually avoid that drink like the plague.

 

Later on, like a fool, I had a Coke to combat the comedown from the caffeine which my brain is unused to. This is the kind of idiocy you get into when you are traumatised and your brain is off-kilter.

 

Anyway, I had not been shadowing my ex or anything but I couldn't help but notice that on Messenger that she had been active at odd hours. Then I remembered she had talked about going to NY for a film festival (she works in media).

 

The thought that she was in NY, moving on with her life, in a city with plenty of distractions, opportunities for one-nighters, etc started tormenting me, and those feelings were reved up by the caffeine and coke. Plunged into a bit of restless despair. Willpower collapsed and thinking that if I reminded her of my existence she'd somehow be less inclined to have a fling. So texted her "Are you in NY?" A few hours later she replied "Yup. Leaving now." That was it.

 

Anyway, just wanted to fess up. Feel like a complete idiot.

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I have to agree with everyone. 7 weeks out from 8 years is no time at all. I'm 7 months and still pretty cut....

 

But don't try to fight against it too much. That is like a fly struggling against a spiders web.

 

Try to accept that this is a heavy wound and it is going to take quite a long while to recover from it. Doing that will hopefully bring you at least some respite.

 

You're definitely not going through it alone and we have some wonderful and patient posters here.

 

Try to learn some anxiety relieving strategies. The anxiety and panic attacks are the worst and cause the most pain.

 

Let's deal with that first*

 

Hang in there Buddy!

 

Carus*

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Delete and block her from all social media, from your phone, and perhaps change your own number as well. If you broke up with her, and then you texted her partially on the hope that "she'd be less likely to have a fling" if you did, then that's probably what's going to happen (she'll be less likely to move on with her life). You acknowledge that you're hurting yourself, but you're almost definitely also hurting her.

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Even though you are the one who broke it off doesn't mean it hurts any less. Especially after that long....but you know it's unfair to expect a more excited reply from someone you let go. She's probably most likely happy that you 'blinked' first. Breaking NC once is really not bad..and it's not like you were begging for her back. Just remember that it's not fair to her unless your intentions ARE to get back together.

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Oh I am sorry I completely misread your post initially...not sure if I was reading too fast or distracted. My bad...in any case, it doesn't matter...it's not like you've been crazy texting her. Nothing to be be ashamed of..at all. You're doing better than many.

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I've gone down this rabbit hole 2 or 3 times. It's terrible. Absolutely terrible. So I totally sympathize. All it does is empowers them and weakens us, so just remember this in case next time you get the urge again. It's been 2 years and I'm still alive! Stay strong friend. You can do this!

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Sometimes healing from a break up is like a big sail boat sailing accross the Atlantic. Its going to take time and between ports you are going to have good days and bad days. Some days you have smooth sailing with no problems, other moments you are going to hit storms and its going to feel like youll never get there. But no matter what, you will always be moving forward even thru rough seas/times.

You hit a rough moment and you gave into your Reward System. It felt good to text your X, you are familiar and comfortable and to go back to texting her made you feel good. But as soon as she replied, reality hit and you sunk back into the pain of the break up.

Its okay, it happens. Break ups are hard and take mental toughness and eventually most people will give into weak moments. What you did was common. However, did you learn from this? One thing is to learn how to accept the moment and then let it go. Look up self meditation and how you can use breathing and visualizing to allow yourself overcome those moments you want to text or feel weak. Healing from a break up is a mindset and its going to take you to focus on you and accept the moment and how to let go of the bad ones. Remember, just because times are rough, doesnt mean you are not moving forward... you will be alright

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It is okay. You tripped. You straighten up yourself and continue on. You have a good ways to go as 7 weeks is nothing in the terms of healing after a relationship. You are looking at 6 months at least to not feel shattered. When you accept yourself and your feelings without judgement, you will move along more easily in the healing process. Hugs and go do something nice for yourself like get a professional shave!

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