Telling him about his posture

Hi All,

I need a bit of advice.

My boyfriend is tall, he has a good physique but he quite often stands with his belly sticking out (and t is not a good look on him), how can I suggest in a nice way (without sounding too pedantic or like a nanny) to keep track of it?

It is like he would need to stand straight without berating, he is not fat and it doesn't stick out when he stands straight.

Of myself, even if I am not very tall, I know that I tend to slouch, do you think I should first say to him, give me a sign if I slouch... so that I can to the same to him?

Thanks,

Mikaila

If this is the same man, it sounds like you don't really accept him for who he is. Dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation. It's not to correct things you don't like about someone.

A thing that really put me a bit off are his table manners. How do I point these things out without offending him?

Yes it is the same man but actually the table manners "tactic" "has worked" without me doing anything in particular but actually doing something myself and then commenting that I need to be careful about not doing it. He doesn't do that anymore I noticed. Also, I don't want to change him. It is not like if he did not like to do something and I forced him to do something he did not like. Here we are talking about different things. If I was slouching I would like for him to tell me.

Except for his eating habits and now his posture and then when you fix that, whatever the next project is. Because your compulsion to fix and change and "correct" things won't end there. It isn't about him or his habits, it's about you and your need to "correct" things. And you seem to think this backhanded innuendo approach works because you "successfully" changed the eating habits you didn't accept and wanted to "correct".

I don't want to change him.

Take it easy. It comes across to me as she wants to let him know about something she herself would want to know about, but didn't realize it. If he doesn't want to or adapt on his own after finding out this knowledge, then she seems ok with it.

It's kind of like how I would like anyone to tell me if I had a piece of food on my face. I wouldn't want to go on what would seem like forever wearing that on myself until I realize it. Now, if she was saying you need to correct your posture or I'm going to nag or give you hell for it, then the needing to change a person argument would come into play.

Jumping the gun a bit much here, she is merely pointing out a suggestion she thinks he may like to know about. OP, I would just say "hey, I noticed you tend to slouch a bit, would you like to know some healthy exercises that promote good posture?"

Take it easy. It comes across to me as she wants to let him know about something she herself would want to know about, but didn't realize it. If he doesn't want to or adapt on his own after finding out this knowledge, then she seems ok with it.

 

It's kind of like how I would like anyone to tell me if I had a piece of food on my face. I wouldn't want to go on what would seem like forever wearing that on myself until I realize it. Now, if she was saying you need to correct your posture or I'm going to nag or give you hell for it, then the needing to change a person argument would come into play.

 

Jumping the gun a bit much here, she is merely pointing out a suggestion she thinks he may like to know about. OP, I would just say "hey, I noticed you tend to slouch a bit, would you like to know some healthy exercises that promote good posture?"

Thank you very much! That's exactly it. I don't want to nag, just saying it once.

If his posture isn't affecting his health in any way, it's none of your business. Imagine if you had a "flaw" on your body, how would like for him constantly pointing it out?

If you keep trying to correct him, this will only lead to his self confidence disappearing and then you will have a problem with that to. Usually people break up when that happens.

Stop correcting him for being him.

If his posture isn't affecting his health in any way, it's none of your business. Imagine if you had a "flaw" on your body, how would like for him constantly pointing it out?

 

If you keep trying to correct him, this will only lead to his self confidence disappearing and then you will have a problem with that to. Usually people break up when that happens.

Stop correcting him for being him.

I am not correcting him every time. As I said about the other issue, I have not even mentioned that he did anything at all, I pointed to something that I did. And about his posture, I would not point to it every time he does it. I would just do it once, to tell that there is that and that's it. I would not keep correcting him, like I have not done for the other thing these few times he slipped.

Do you mean when he was being himself and not what you want?

these few times he slipped.

It's not about how you tell him, it's that you feel the need to tell him and you even use the word "slip". What's up with that?

Do all the people in your life have to meet specific standards for you to interact with them?

I don't understand why people get into relationships with people and then make it their task to go about changing them to conform to how they'd like.

The fact that you feel like it's your place to police who he is is a bit concerning.

If his posture isn't affecting his health in any way, it's none of your business. Imagine if you had a "flaw" on your body, how would like for him constantly pointing it out?

 

If you keep trying to correct him, this will only lead to his self confidence disappearing and then you will have a problem with that to. Usually people break up when that happens.

Stop correcting him for being him.

Posture does affect health, in terms of your spine and any pain that may come from it. Just like you could get carpal tunnel from bad hand placement (i.e. computers - my mom got it, even needed surgery because she did too much damage). There are exercises for it.

Really, this is merely a suggestion. Don't know why people are reading into this more than it is. I have been corrected on my posture by family, friends, heck even my coworkers. Do I accuse them of trying to control or change me based on a suggestion? Don't be ridiculous, of course not.

I wouldn't worry OP. They're just harping because everyone is critical here in the context of a relationship and has to ascertain a "deeper meaning" to normal conversations. Seriously, I get suggestions from multiple people about this and sometimes get made fun of for it (all in good spirit); it's normal haha. It's not like these are all toxic people trying to change me just because they comment on my posture, or among other things they may notice about me.

Btw, my boyfriend and I went to a fair that had a free chiropractic service exam (who woulda thought). He was made aware about his bad posture and then started exercises to correct it. He is in IT (more computers) and didn't realize it also attributed to his poor posture, as well as bad posture in lifting items. He had back problems that didn't go away for quite some time. He then started going to the appointments they offered and his back problems subsided! I didn't really notice his posture, but I'm glad someone was observant enough to help him with this.

Posture does affect health, in terms of your spine and any pain that may come from it. Just like you could get carpal tunnel from bad hand placement (i.e. computers - my mom got it, even needed surgery because she did too much damage). There are exercises for it.

 

Really, this is merely a suggestion. Don't know why people are reading into this more than it is. I have been corrected on my posture by family, friends, heck even my coworkers. Do I accuse them of trying to control or change me based on a suggestion? Don't be ridiculous, of course not.

 

I wouldn't worry OP. They're just harping because everyone is critical here in the context of a relationship and has to ascertain to a "deeper meaning" to normal conversations. Seriously, I get suggestions from multiple people about this; it's normal haha. It's not like these are all toxic people trying to change me just because they comment on my posture.

 

Btw, my boyfriend and I went to a fair that had a free chiropractic service exam (who woulda thought). He was made aware about his bad posture and then started exercises to correct it. He is in IT (more computers) and didn't realize it also attributed to his poor posture. He had back problems that didn't go away for quite some time. He then started going to the appointments they offered and his back problems subsided!

I have daily, almost crippling, upper back pain for the last 20 years because of bad posture, that's why I pointed it out. She was focusing on how his stomach was popping out and that it doesn't look good. So yes, after all my pain, correcting someone's posture because it makes their stomach pop out, I will read more into this, because in addition to her other corrections, she seems to have the need for everything to be perfect for other reasons than health.

I might be wrong, I hope so, but this is a forum and people come here for other perspectives. This is one of them.

I have daily, almost crippling, upper back pain for the last 20 years because of bad posture, that's why I pointed it out. She was focusing on how his stomach was popping out and that it doesn't look good. So yes, after all my pain, correcting someone's posture because it makes their stomach pop out, I will read more into this, because in addition to her other corrections, she seems to have the need for everything to be perfect for other reasons than health.

 

I might be wrong, I hope so, but this is a forum and people come here for other perspectives. This is one of them.

I see where you are coming from and I understand. No, he has not complaining about his back so far but I could ask him that. I don't need everything to be perfect, I would just say this for him more than for me actually. If it was the other way around (and it could be for my slouching) I would be grateful for him to pointing this out to me (like other people, family mostly, have done in the past).

I have daily, almost crippling, upper back pain for the last 20 years because of bad posture, that's why I pointed it out. She was focusing on how his stomach was popping out and that it doesn't look good. So yes, after all my pain, correcting someone's posture because it makes their stomach pop out, I will read more into this, because in addition to her other corrections, she seems to have the need for everything to be perfect for other reasons than health.

 

I might be wrong, I hope so, but this is a forum and people come here for other perspectives. This is one of them.

Sure, you have a point, but it is only a suggestion. My point is, harping on it, having ultimatums, or making a person miserable for it is when there's a turning point for the conversation. I get suggestions literally all the time from multiple people and I think nothing of it. I only believe it's bad when it's something I can't change, persistent, or comes across as degrading. I don't see this here at all.

Some people are thankful to have something pointed out to them, while others aren't. If this has happened before after suggesting a situation once and she received a positive response from him, then I don't see an issue. It appears to be a non issue since this is the first time, he can change it, and she's looking to come across in a positive way. If he isn't receptive, then she seems fine with that outcome, which is a healthy outlook. If he has a negative response is when I would suggest to stop.

Sure, you have a point, but it is only a suggestion. My point is, harping on it, having ultimatums, or making a person miserable for it is when there's a turning point for the conversation. I get suggestions literally all the time from multiple people and I think nothing of it. I only believe it's bad when it's something I can't change, persistent, or comes across as degrading. I don't see this here at all.

 

Some people are thankful to have something pointed out to them, while others aren't. If this has happened before after suggesting a situation once and she received a positive response from him, then I don't see an issue. It appears to be a non issue since this is the first time, he can change it, and she's looking to come across in a positive way. If he isn't receptive, then she seems fine with that outcome, which is a healthy outlook. If he has a negative response is when I would suggest to stop.

Exactly! Thank you yatsue!

Yeah I think you need to start looking for the things you appreciate about him and make sure he hears that. Too much focus on what you don't like about him. You don't like how he eats. How he stands. What next?! Give the guy a break.

I would only mention something if he mentions an issue with his back or something related to his posture. What I might do is suggest taking a yoga class or dance class together which might give him more body awareness. Saying something once doesn't really make it better - as we all know even just a few words can do a lot of harm, even once.

Your intent has nothing to do with his health. You don't like the sight of his posture. And this is like the 6th thread you've made complaining about mundane habits of guys you've dated. Sorry, but even the most well-intended advice serves little more purpose than to validate your nit-picking.

he is not fat and it doesn't stick out when he stands straight

So he already knows how to stand up straight. You wouldn't be helping him unlock some ancient art or presenting him with some breakthrough medical knowledge. That makes the answer easy. Let him stand how he's comfortable standing.

I feel sorry for the guy who can't even comfortably stand around his girlfriend without her disapproving.

It seems you have a nit picking corrective attitude.

That can be a real problem if you want to date an independent adult and not a child in need of a mother.

I would be really annoyed if someone....anyone mentioned that My belly sticks out when I stand up. Lol ...it's pretty petty.

I had a client tell me I looked like ai was frowning when I was cutting his hair. All I was doing was concentrating on my job...so in HIS opinion it looked like a frown. I just told him I didn't feel like smiling the entire time I did his hair, or I would look like a crazy person. Let him come to his own conclusions about his posture. Seriously...

Ok guys, I could have a nit picking attitude but I never act upon it, I never tell him about those things, or about my previous doubts j.man mentioned.

I would also work on the attitude and mindset because especially in vulnerable situations it might slip out / for example around a young child if you work with or want to have a child someday. I am doing related internal work and it’s hard but it’s so worth it to be more self aware and practice more humility which is a key to being less negative and critical and nitpicky in my humble opinion.

Ok guys, I could have a nit picking attitude but I never act upon it, I never tell him about those things, or about my previous doubts j.man mentioned.

If you start trying to control your SO or even nit pick like that you are going to run off any guy worth a d@mn.

I doubt you would handle the situation well if he nit picked about your stuff.

Perhaps being subjected to this from your past makes it seem normal to you?

I would be grateful for him to pointing this out to me (like other people, family mostly, have done in the past).