Confused.

Hey supporters. I could really use some input.

I recently started seeing a close friend of mine, we have been dating for about a month and have talked quite a bit about boundaries and taking things slow etc. I had mentioned to him that I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship therefore really needed to progress slowly and he fully agreed and was thankful I let him know this. We had not spoken about having sex at all... it had not been brought up yet. The other night he spent the night at my house and we smoked some pretty strong weed, I usually smoke pot to help me sleep at night as I suffer from pretty bad insomnia and it really helps. This weed was new and a lot stronger than what I usually buy. Anyways... I was pretty loopy so we decided to go to bed. We were laying cuddling and I was dosing off not showing any interest in anything sexual.. he initiated some kissing (not a lot.. it was not a heavy enthusiastic make out session) and within a split second my shirt and bra and underwear were taken off, without any conversation he grabbed a condom put it on and started to have sex with me. There was not a lot of build up.. at least not in my mind.. that would have made me think I was giving the impression that I was ready for sex with him, yet I did not express in the moment that I really didn’t want to. I felt pretty loopy and really was in a bit of shock that someone who seemed to be so attentive and careful prior to this moment all of a sudden seemed to have a complete disregard for me and just went for it without asking or any sort of discussion. I felt frozen like I couldn’t speak, I kept rubbing my eyes (I don’t know why I was having that reaction its just where my hands went) and had mentioned “I’m sorry I’m so stoned I don’t feel like I can move I feel like a zombie” and felt like I eventually just kept trying to kiss him to distract myself and just accept what was happening. This didn’t last more than 5 minutes and he finished and immediately said “I’m sorry” ... the rest of the night was completely silent. I didn’t know what to say and I felt incredibly confused and uncomfortable and honestly still pretty stoned. I just faced the other way and tried to sleep and he rubbed my back the whole time. All in all I felt so confused. I did not say no when he reached for the condom.. I did not say stop when he was inside of me.. but I still feel incredibly violated. It felt like because I had agreed we were officially “dating” he assumed I was ready for sex and just went for it with no prior discussion or without asking. It felt so sudden. But I feel ashamed and wrong that I didn’t stop it or say anything. I am worried about hurting his feelings.

We play in a band together and have rehearsals this week and I am so nervous to see him. I honestly don’t know how to define what happened here and I do not know if the level of discomfort I am feeling is in appropriate.. but nonetheless I am feeling very upset. Was this some form of assault? I feel I knew him well and trusted him up until this point.. I don’t think he is malicious or meant to hurt me... I just honestly don’t know what to think. I sent him a message explaining that I was disheartened that we didn’t discuss sex prior to it happening and that we should just remain as friends but I haven’t received any response from him.

Good you haven't received a response from him! If you do it should be him apologizing profusely! He's a jerk and you need to cut him out of your life immediately! What he did was not okay! Yeah it's a grey area because you didn't say no but your body language should have been the strong indication not to proceed! He took advantage of you in the worst way! It's the same as date rape or getting someone really wasted!

I would tell the other members of the band what he did. I bet they won't take so kindly to him and would even kick him out. You shouldn't be asking for friendship. He's toxic!

You were raped. You discussed prior to this happening that you wanted to take things slow and were not ready to have sex straight away because of your abusive past.

He got you stoned, waited til you were half asleep, ripped off all your clothes and penetrated you, without your consent, whilst you were too intoxicated and confused to respond.

He apologised because he knows he was wrong to do what he did.

Seek counselling and get the police involved if you wish. Cut all contact with him and do not be ashamed of what happened, this is all on him. Speak with a trusted friend or family member to try make sense of this.

I second limimichelle. Tell the other band members what he did. Hopefully they will kick him out!

I sent him a message explaining that I was disheartened that we didn’t discuss sex prior to it happening and that we should just remain as friends

You've just resolved the problem. What specifically do you want to happen from here?

OK......... So you have been dating a guy for a month and talked about taking things slow..... I am guessing this talked happened in early part of that month. Then a few days ago this happened. I am guessing its been at least 3 weeks you had that talk.

Do you realize 3 weeks for a guy is like a eternity. I don't know the details in full. I reread your post entirely twice to make sure I didn't miss anything.

You had the talk earlier in the relationship and he escalated it to sex and you didn't reminded him? Why didn't you reminded him? Don't say because you were high. If you really didn't want to then you should of said no.

Also I would like to point out sex happens most of the time in the spur of the moment. Not have I ever said let's talk about sex and then go have sex. There is no attraction built into talking about it then doing it, I won't say it doesn't happen but its highly unlikely you will have sex after you talk about having sex.

Most guys go off cue from the girl. They will press until they are told no. Body language, he starts taking your bra off..... You don't say anything. He takes off your underwear.. You again don't say anything. He reaches for a condom (this is the time for a guy to get stuff done fast and efficient as possible not to lose moments) and you don't say anything.

You said 5 mins. I can almost get here is thinking you just want to be friends because he was not good in bed or something after that text.

Just saying

Actually the talk about taking things slow happened the day before all of this went down, so no it had not been 3 weeks since we had that talk. It had been a day.

Because 3 weeks is an eternity to a guy I owe him sex?

I didn’t remind him because in the moment I froze and yes in a normal situation if I was clear headed I feel communicating would have been much easier. But why should my silence and frozen ness be an indicator that I am wanting to have sex?

If the only indication here was that I wasn’t saying anything and that means it’s fair game and my body language and me expressing I felt I couldn’t move isn’t enough body language to indicate something is uncomfortable... again why is my silence an indicator that this was ok?

Whether or not he was good in bed is out of the question. It couldn’t possibly have been good for either of us in this situation.

I have had partners before who were incredibly respectful and very talkative when it comes to sex ... talking about it can actually help make things more enjoyable and can be super attractive knowing exactly what your partner wants and hearing it vocalized to ensure you are not crossing anyone’s boundaries.

And while I agree I should have vocalized my NO, I do not feel I was given a fair situation to do so. I was not in my right mind regardless of what you may think it still didn’t feel right to me and is far more than me just thinking the sex was bad.

Thank you for your comment however as it brought a bit of clarity to how I acknowledge what happened and it reminds me that the issue of consent needs to be taught more often.

I’m just trying to wrap my head around the whole situation and how I should feel about it. Sometimes writing it out and hearing the opinions of others helps me sort it out better in my own head because I’m feeling very overwhelmed by it right now.

You've just resolved the problem. What specifically do you want to happen from here?

I’m just trying to wrap my head around the whole situation and how I should feel about it. Sometimes writing it out and hearing the opinions of others helps me sort it out better in my own head because I’m feeling very overwhelmed by it right now.

I understand everything you have said and it does seem like he was a bit insensitive.

But he was pushing your boundaries and it seems like you expected him to know exactly where they were instead of you asserting them.

You did assert them earlier, but boundaries are frequently pushed in defining their outlines for an individual. I am sorry but guys(and woman) will push boundaries for sex.

I am not talking about a consent (yes\no) boundary but a "take it slow" one. There is a lot of ambiguity in it.

Your boundaries are primary protect by only one person, yourself.

If you date someone, frequently one party is wanting sexual intimacy faster than the other. You just need to find a comfortable place your boundaries meet.

If you can't then the relationship is not viable.

The thing that makes my skin crawl however is the apology. If he was apologizing because he thinks he did something wrong then that is #ucked up.

If he was apologizing for the brevity of it or something else then I can understand.

The cause of his apology could totally swing this from one side to the other in my opinion.

 

But he was pushing your boundaries and it seems like you expected him to know exactly where they were instead of you asserting them.

 

You did assert them earlier, but boundaries are frequently pushed in defining their outlines for an individual. I am sorry but guys(and woman) will push boundaries for sex.

 

I am not talking about a consent (yes\no) boundary but a "take it slow" one. There is a lot of ambiguity in it.

 

Your boundaries are primary protect by only one person, yourself.

 

If you date someone, frequently one party is wanting sexual intimacy faster than the other. You just need to find a comfortable place your boundaries.

 

The cause of his apology could totally swing this from one side to the other in my opinion.

I completely agree. I guess the part I’m feeling so off about is that I feel like I was in a state where communication became far more challenging than usual. With a clear head I firmly believe I would have been better able to speak up. I know I still should have... it was just so strange in the moment I couldn’t open my mouth.

And I’m not sure about the apology, I will be seeing him at rehearsal tonight so I am hoping talking about this in person will help.

Thank you for your input.

I completely agree. I guess the part I’m feeling so off about is that I feel like I was in a state where communication became far more challenging than usual. With a clear head I firmly believe I would have been better able to speak up. I know I still should have... it was just so strange in the moment I couldn’t open my mouth.

 

And I’m not sure about the apology, I will be seeing him at rehearsal tonight so I am hoping talking about this in person will help.

 

Thank you for your input.

But if you still have issues where you go comatose like that in a tricky relationship scenario you might not be totally ready to date yet.

Do you get help to deal with your past relationship abuse?

I understand everything you have said and it does seem like he was a bit insensitive.

 

But he was pushing your boundaries and it seems like you expected him to know exactly where they were instead of you asserting them.

 

You did assert them earlier, but boundaries are frequently pushed in defining their outlines for an individual. I am sorry but guys(and woman) will push boundaries for sex.

 

I am not talking about a consent (yes\no) boundary but a "take it slow" one. There is a lot of ambiguity in it.

 

Your boundaries are primary protect by only one person, yourself.

 

If you date someone, frequently one party is wanting sexual intimacy faster than the other. You just need to find a comfortable place your boundaries meet.

 

If you can't then the relationship is not viable.

 

The thing that makes my skin crawl however is the apology. If he was apologizing because he thinks he did something wrong then that is #ucked up.

 

If he was apologizing for the brevity of it or something else then I can understand.

 

The cause of his apology could totally swing this from one side to the other in my opinion.

Not to overstep here...

 

But if you still have issues where you go comatose like that in a tricky relationship scenario you might not be totally ready to date yet.

 

Do you get help to deal with your past relationship abuse?

I do get help yes, I have been in therapy the last 6 months. And don’t worry you are not overstepping, that is a valid question. I did not feel fully ready to date hence why I expressed the inportanxe of taking is slow, but I should have realized this was an indication i was not ready to date at all . Also, by not being clear headed I meant that we were very stoned. Not saying it’s an excuse for not communicating however I do feel like it out my head in a wayyyyy different place than usual.

I do get help yes, I have been in therapy the last 6 months. And don’t worry you are not overstepping, that is a valid question. I did not feel fully ready to date hence why I expressed the inportanxe of taking is slow, but I should have realized this was an indication i was not ready to date at all . Also, by not being clear headed I meant that we were very stoned. Not saying it’s an excuse for not communicating however I do feel like it out my head in a wayyyyy different place than usual.

But if you do want to continue with this guy I would recommend no altered states of consciousness for a while.

I smoke too so I totally understand the state you are describing.

thealchemist said it a bit better than I could earlier so I won't revisit that. But the apology that we don't know why he is saying sorry for doe matter. Though you mentioned 5 mins? Maybe in his mind he was sorry for that. Which if it were the case than what the alchemist and I said were true. Two definition of slow, communication wasn't there. Now if he said sorry because he knew you were stoned and out of your mind. I'd beat him with a stick.

thealchemist said it a bit better than I could earlier so I won't revisit that. But the apology that we don't know why he is saying sorry for doe matter. Though you mentioned 5 mins? Maybe in his mind he was sorry for that. Which if it were the case than what the alchemist and I said were true. Two definition of slow, communication wasn't there. Now if he said sorry because he knew you were stoned and out of your mind. I'd beat him with a stick.

Yeah i feel the same way. Thank you for reiterating. Just a weird situation in general, If anything a big reminder to continue to work on myself and assert boundaries.

Yeah i feel the same way. Thank you for reiterating. Just a weird situation in general, If anything a big reminder to continue to work on myself and assert boundaries.

I'm not 100% if he is in that category, still waiting on the "sorry" revelation.

But if you are not upfront and direct people will seek to push you and get their way hoping the entire time that you let them do what they want because you don't want to bring that awkwardness up.

They rely on it frequently.

So be firm and direct about boundaries to protect yourself.

Even though you obviously did set some boundaries, it wasn't enough with this guy.

I’m just trying to wrap my head around the whole situation and how I should feel about it. Sometimes writing it out and hearing the opinions of others helps me sort it out better in my own head because I’m feeling very overwhelmed by it right now.

Nobody else can tell you how you 'should' feel. What do you believe would be the best possible lens to put on the experience to help you feel better and to move forward most productively?

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you put way too much trust in him. It seems he thought you were dating and having him in your bed meant intimacy. It seems you thought you were still just friends. Of course sex needs to be consented to. He seems to have taken advantage of your delirious state and went forward because you were in no condition to shut it down. Definitely discuss this with him. Unfortunately his defense will be that he 'assumed' or 'thought' this or that. He's not your friend and never was.

The other night he spent the night at my house and we smoked some pretty strong weed.I was pretty loopy so we decided to go to bed. We were laying cuddling.

Not to overstep here...

 

But if you still have issues where you go comatose like that in a tricky relationship scenario you might not be totally ready to date yet.

 

Do you get help to deal with your past relationship abuse?

I can relate to "going comatose" and dating is tricky these days. Some form of therapy can help to assert yourself better. I don't know your age but inviting a guy or going to a guys place is kinda expected something sexual can/will happen. You mention you guys were friends before...for how long?