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Thread: Venting.. gay, nearly 30 and single

  1. #1
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    Venting.. gay, nearly 30 and single

    Just really frustrated at life really. When what I thought was the woman Iíd spend my life with broke up with me in 2013, I was in such despair. Like Iíd never find someone like that ever again. Or someone I get that same feeling with. 5 years later and extremely sad to say I was right so far.
    In the meanwhile, my life has looked like this:
    Graduated med school, started residency, dated around 5 women. One of which wanted to move in with me after three months, one throwing my cat in the air just to toy, one who still wore her exes engangement ring, etc. Many tinder experiences in which people just ghost after talking for a few days or where they cancel first dates to hang out with friends or worse: sleep with me and then ghost.

    Love and affection have become a rare thing which is sometimes almost in reach but always drifts away again. I can not seem to find a good match.

    Iím a 29 year old woman, gay, have my own house, car, work. Iím a psychiatry resident in a hospital and will graduate as a psychiatrist in 2019. I have many friends which I see weekly, I have hobbyís, my looks are average to good. Iím also very modest ;-). I certainly do not radiate negativity about being single, in fact I joke a lot with it. I go to gay parties, I am on gay dating sites.

    I seriously donít get why love is so hard to find and Iím totally frustrated at the fact I had this exact feeling with my ex in 2013, I still remember feeling ďIíll be alone foreverĒ... and now here we are...
    I feel left behind with all my friends being married and getting babies and me ending up being ghosted and being in all these crazy dating experiences.

    Like, what the f* am I doing wrong?

  2. #2
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    Hi Lucha, I know you believe that you donít radiate a negative attitude when it comes to dating but believe me if thatís how you feel, potential partners will pick up on that, even when you joke about it, they will feel the truth behind the jokes.

    It sounds otherwise you have lots going for you but you attract not so nice ladies. Celebrate the good things as those are what you have going for you to attract better quality women. Do your friends know you are looking seriously?

    What other qualities do you have to attract a mate?

    What qualities did your ex have that you would like to find in a partner. It does sound to me that you didnít quite resolve that heartache so perhaps you are self sabotaging? The self fulfilling prophecy?

  3. #3
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    Dating is hard. It just is. It comes easy for some and some meet their matches early on and it's smooth sailing. Wanna know why? Because life isn't fair. And the comments can sting. 13 years ago, basically to the month, this single woman I'd befriended (we met through mutual friends and we were both single and dating in the same city) made an obnoxious comment to me - i'd been dating someone for about 3 months who I'd met online. She was basically at the same time frame with her guy who she'd met online .I shared with her, concerned, that my guy wasn't ready to be exclusive. Her response -I remember this even though it was so long ago "oh, mine locked me down after one month of dating". Her Lockdown guy and she got married. Today I spoke to our mutual friend. I haven't been in touch with her at all for probably a dozen years. The mutual friend mentioned that she was now divorced. Does she deserve that? Nope. Does it kind of have a karma air to it -yes, sure. So yes life isn't fair and yes your smug married friends might be divorced down the line, and people uncouple/couple on a fairly regular basis. And others will be happily ever after. Please do not feel left behind. I married and became a mom at 42. My friend who is gay met her person in her 40s I believe (they were highschool classmates who reconnected!) and they are in their 50s and have two wonderful kids.

    I know of another gay woman in southern California who is about 50 and for the last 20 years or more she's had the hardest time ever staying in healthy relationships. I am just sharing that she is gay -it's not "because" she is gay of course. Now she just moved in with a woman she is very much in love with. I wish her all the best. Yes, you have a biological clock so consider freezing your eggs(I would have done so had it been available to me when I was 30-ish). But please please don't play the comparison "left behind" game with yourself and avoid ridiculous people who make smug married comments, ok?

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    Why do you feel like you need to be with somebody else to be complete? Is being coupled the only "right" way you live your life? It's hard to find because everybody has their own definition of what "love" is to them.
    I'd venture to say a lot of people want to be loved, but don't know how to give love in return. I'm not sure if being gay has anything to do with this, but looks like you felt it was important to highlight this fact multiple times. Is this something you're still struggling with?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. You've probably read hundreds of posts and heard many stories just like yours, straight, gay male, female, that have the same question about disappointments and the quest to find a love that lasts. Hang in there. The irony for everyone is with all the dating apps out there it seems to make it harder rather than easier finding anyone.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. You've probably read hundreds of posts and heard many stories just like yours, straight, gay male, female, that have the same question about disappointments and the quest to find a love that lasts. Hang in there. The irony for everyone is with all the dating apps out there it seems to make it harder rather than easier finding anyone.
    I don't think the apps make it harder or easier but they may affect people's expectations. They are apps/sites so it depends how each person uses them, and why they use them. It made it much easier for me because of my work schedule back then but I did not meet my husband that way.

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    Thank you for reacting, everyone. Means a lot...

    Just want to add I am 200% fine with being gay but I do have the impressionit is harder for gays to find love. The dating pool is simply much smaller and you have to actively put yourself in situations to meet other gays, hence Tinder which is quite easy to meet people but I have to realise is a very unreliable medium with a lot of flakey people.

    I also do not need a partner to Ďcomplete meí, or because society expects me to, but I just miss the deep bond with another person, the affection and the companion! Sure I can talk with friends or hug my pet but that is not quite the same, Iím sure you understand.

    Also I never truly experienced the concept of unconditional love , even when I was a child - Iím working through that issue with my own therapist to become a better therapist myself as well.

    I really hate to be negative, but seriously.. life can be so hard when youíre on your own..

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Is your birthday coming up? I just ask , not to minimize what you feel at all, because I remember 30 being a tough one for me. Lots of introspection and reflection around that time, it felt like closing one chapter of my life somehow, and I'm not one who is particularly sensitive about age. I was single too, quite a few years of being more or less single, a relationship that I originally thought would be a lifetime together in the rear view mirror.

    And honestly being in my 30s has been some of the best times in my life. I feel so much better in my own skin, knowing myself, dropped so much weight I was carrying. I am in a happy relationship now but that's not even the main point. More like a cherry on the cake of being happier healthier and content. Even in the tough times, and there have been some tough ones , I've got the bigger perspective that experience brings and it's a wonderfully comforting thing. Things change , then change again, that's the real constant.

    I wish you the best of the best. This isn't forever. And you may miss some of what you have now later. Try your best to enjoy. I hope you get what you wish for .

  10. #9
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Keep doing what you are doing... it seems you might be having some anxiety reaching milestones in life but time is still against you in finding a partner. Be patient and proactive

  11. 05-04-2018, 10:46 PM

  12. #10
    Lucha,

    I am in the exact same boat as you. EXACT SAME.

    I'm in my mid-thirties and gay and it's extremely frustrating. It's been a few years since my last real relationship, and I'm still not really over it because the dating world has been so bad, I always just go back to thinking about how easy it was with my ex.

    I've been ghosted, played, abused, lied to ... honestly you name it, it's happened to me in the past few years, mostly from online dating. It's gotten to the point where I tell my friends that I'd be less shocked to win the Powerball than to meet a girl and have it go well. All this leads to me thinking about my ex every single day and wishing it had been different.

    You're not doing anything wrong. The community of women is vastly wrong. It's horrible. Our dating pool isn't even a pool. It's a cesspool.

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