Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: 10 weeks since breakup and getting worse

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    164

    10 weeks since breakup and getting worse

    Hello, Iím new here. I used to post at Loveshack.org but it disappeared as did my ďjournalĒ of the previous relationship and breakup. Iím about 10 weeks into this thing and NC the whole time. I feel as though Iím going through some type of crisis and not getting better at all. My life is completely upside down and I donít even think Iím the same person anymore. I was married for 8 years, divorced 3 years ago that ended in her having an affair, and within 9 months I was dating someone else. The new girl was a polar opposite of the ex in good and bad ways but God did I love her.

    We dated for 2 years but incompatibilities just wreaked havoc on us and she finally called it quits. Iíve been devastated since. We both have kids the same age and that made it a little harder. But she seemed to have taken this much better than me. I saw her once briefly at an intersection and she smiled and waved. I donít have those happy, secure feelings.

    I cry every single day. I donít know if itís losing her, losing my marriage, job stresses, House stresses, mid life crisis (early 40s) or what.

    I know that I have to just go through the pain and feel the emotions. Iíve been in therapy since day 1 and on lexapro. I still feel debilitated. In fact I couldnít even picture her face until just recently. I couldnít recall memories of us until recently. Now Iím flooded with them and having dreams all the time. I wake up depressed and usually bawl my eyes out. Iíd do anything to have her back but I think she made it clear that sheís done. I canít seem to grasp why that is. I just canít seem to accept it and the thought of it is terribly painful. Iíve considered writing her a letter but seeing as sheís never reached out to me, I donít know that sheíd even care.

    Does anyone have any insight into this or similar experience? The thought of years of this pain seems unbearable. My entire core is totally shaken.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,189
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith
    I cry every single day. I donít know if itís losing her, losing my marriage, job stresses, House stresses, mid life crisis (early 40s) or what
    Hi Teddy. Sounds like a bit of 'all of the above'. Your body is crying because it needs to so don't try and suppress it too much. It will ease up eventually.

    I'm guessing you may not have grieved your losses properly and it's all coming to a head now.

    I never posted at Loveshack but I did notice it had gone down recently.

    You could write that letter but do not send it. It will not garner the results you are looking for whether that is reconciliation or closure. Good to write it out and then burn it ceremonially.
    Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith
    The thought of years of this pain seems unbearable.
    I'm 7 months out now with a trail of breadcrumbs that stopped only 2 weeks ago and yes it's terrifying to think this will go on for years

    Having said that I feel it's going to take me the better part of 2 years to really get to the other side.

    Just be patient with yourself but also be determined.

    It will feel like you're never going to make it, but you will if you just hang in there, slow your life down and just take care of the immediate things.

    I'm now implementing a strict meditation routine as this is a battle of the mind and I've tried pretty much everything else.

    You know you are not alone*

    Regards
    Carus*

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    164
    Thank you for the response. I agree with everything you've said

    I'm guessing you may not have grieved your losses properly and it's all coming to a head now.
    This is probably very true. Im almost having flashbacks of things from 14 years ago. Feeling pains of things that I haven't thought about in years. For the longest time I tried to tell myself what not to think and what to think. I probably pushed down some emotions that are now coming to the surface.

    I'm 7 months out now with a trail of breadcrumbs that stopped only 2 weeks ago and yes it's terrifying to think this will go on for years

    Having said that I feel it's going to take me the better part of 2 years to really get to the other side.
    I suppose im lucky in that I get ZERO breadcrumbs. Although it would be really nice to know that she cared enough to check up on me. Do you enjoy getting them or is it torture?

    I'm now implementing a strict meditation routine as this is a battle of the mind and I've tried pretty much everything else.
    Id really like to start doing this. I think being present is key to happiness in general. Its just so damn hard with all of the external stimulation these days!

    Thanks again for the reply.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,189
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith
    I suppose im lucky in that I get ZERO breadcrumbs. Although it would be really nice to know that she cared enough to check up on me. Do you enjoy getting them or is it torture?
    My mega thread is here: [Register to see the link]

    If you want to read it you'll need a couple of hours and a stiff drink :-/

    The breadcrumbs kept me afloat for the first few months because I was full of Hope, but as she weaned off me and the contacts got less and less and I had to come to the reality that she isn't coming back they became my worst nightmare and drove me into the dark hole I'm trying to crawl out of now....

    I feel now that she has stopped my healing might take hold....I still have a long road ahead.

    Meditation is hard to implement into our lives and there are many different types of meditation, but I definitely think it's a much needed tool that we just don't pick up.

    Take care of your sleep, diet and income...and just breathe. That's all you need to do for right now*

    Carus*

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    312
    Hey Teddy.

    I am with you man... And agree with CARUS...
    Bread crumbs suck... And although we hope to get them (because in our brains it shows up as: Hey that person still cares about us, and our pride/ego jumps for it, just for that split second of happiness.... But in reality, those are torture...You are better off without any.)

    I am in the same boat as you... Similar situation... And been NC now for 8 months....

    I was married for 14 years, which did not work out... Dated someone immediately after my divorce for about 11 months and ran from her eventually... Took a short break and met a woman that rocked my world for 2.5 years... And when she walked away finally, I hit rock bottom as well.... Everything you are going through, I went through...

    8 months down the road I am way better..., but I allowed myself to naturally go through the process... And so must you...
    It is not a midlife crisis... It is being human...

    Bread crumbs: If you call it that... Some call it "Hoovering"..... Since February I have been receiving calls from Private Numbers... Yeah, I don't pick them up... But I know it is my EX... The calls ring my cell every 2 weeks like clock work, and at times that she knows I will have my cell on me ( my cell is not attached to me like a life line.... haha). She knows that... So, she dials me up knowing when I have it on me... Now I am also getting the calls on my home phone... She has both numbers.... It is not some coincidence... But there you go..... You don't need any this.... You need quiet....

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    164
    If you want to read it you'll need a couple of hours and a stiff drink :-/
    Ill actually probably read it! I find some comfort in other people's misery (just kidding). I saw you comment on another post and mention an audiobook about abandonment. I instantly downloaded it and started listening. That makes the 8th audiobook ive bought since this happened. I need something to occupy my mind!


    Mikey383 - im glad youre doing better. That gives me some hope. I know that you cant really compare recovery times but its good to get an idea. I agree with you. Going through it naturally is key. Im not trying to suppress ANYTHING from here on out, regardless of others' well intentioned advice to "snap out of it" or "get over it".

    Life can really throw you a fastball, right in the face at times. If you get hit enough, you just snap. I'd almost (embarrassingly) liken it to PTSD. Not taking ANYTHING from combat veterans but I do wonder if traumatic emotional events can do a similar number on your psyche as some of the horrific things veterans have seen.

  8. #7
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    312
    Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith
    Ill actually probably read it! I find some comfort in other people's misery (just kidding). I saw you comment on another post and mention an audiobook about abandonment. I instantly downloaded it and started listening. That makes the 8th audiobook ive bought since this happened. I need something to occupy my mind!


    Mikey383 - im glad youre doing better. That gives me some hope. I know that you cant really compare recovery times but its good to get an idea. I agree with you. Going through it naturally is key. Im not trying to suppress ANYTHING from here on out, regardless of others' well intentioned advice to "snap out of it" or "get over it".

    Life can really throw you a fastball, right in the face at times. If you get hit enough, you just snap. I'd almost (embarrassingly) liken it to PTSD. Not taking ANYTHING from combat veterans but I do wonder if traumatic emotional events can do a similar number on your psyche as some of the horrific things veterans have seen.
    Teddy
    I am a combat vet.
    I have seen a lot and been in the heat of it.
    I can tell you one thing: I rather be shot, take a bullet, have a gaping wound,....rather than a broken heart.
    A broken heart is more trauma causing to a human being than being in a tough combat area...
    Many vets experience PTSD as something linked to stressful combat actions.... True... However there are also many combat vets that experience PTSD by far worse when they end up in a stressful combat environment and also receive that notification that their significant other has left them for a new novelty... I seen that happen a lot.... Here we are in the middle of Afghanistan... We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket.... So, yes... PTSD can happen from emotional stress....

  9. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    164
    Originally Posted by Mikey383
    Teddy
    I am a combat vet.
    I have seen a lot and been in the heat of it.
    I can tell you one thing: I rather be shot, take a bullet, have a gaping wound,....rather than a broken heart.
    A broken heart is more trauma causing to a human being than being in a tough combat area...
    Many vets experience PTSD as something linked to stressful combat actions.... True... However there are also many combat vets that experience PTSD by far worse when they end up in a stressful combat environment and also receive that notification that their significant other has left them for a new novelty... I seen that happen a lot.... Here we are in the middle of Afghanistan... We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket.... So, yes... PTSD can happen from emotional stress....
    Mikey - first of all, thank you for your service. I wrote that post and then started searching some of your old posts and realized that you are a combat vet. I was hoping it wouldn't offend you! I was in Afghanistan with the national guard in 2002. I saw many affairs go down. I was lucky enough to have broken up with a girl right before going.

    Also, in your posts, I noticed a similarity with my ex...the kid(s). Man that added some crap to the situation! It seems that you and I have a better situation with our exes than the girls we dated. The father wasn't in the picture at all with my ex gf so she was raising her son alone with the help of her mom. My ex wife is VERY involved with my daughter and you can really tell. I know that we are predisposed to favor our own kids but I cant help but feel like my daughter was so much more behaved and polite. I would never let mine get away with the things she let hers get away with. My daughter was always so loving and happy to see her little boy. He was often rude to her. Didn't want to share his toys on the rare occasion that we went to their house. Meanwhile, we spent 99% of the time at my house where he played with all of my daughter's toys. God its so annoying to look back on.

    Well, doesn't matter. She is gone now and somehow managed to leave without feeling too bad about it all. It's like a switch flipped. She went from insecure and jealous to total freedom. Let me with most of the blame and even offered some advice for getting over her. Now im wrecked. I suppose some good could come of this but I feel like garbage now.

    Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,189
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Mikey383
    We can't just leave our post... And here a friend of mine finds out that his wife is having an affair while he is helplessly stuck thousands of miles away.... So, now you have combat stress and a broken heart... The two mixed is a huge PTSD rocket....
    Thanks for that post Mikey* ~ Truly brutal...! Are you still in contact with that friend? Is he doing ok now...?

    I would agree that heartbreak is probably the toughest thing a lot of us will ever face....especially if it's that deep traumatising heartbreak....

    Last year a family was vacationing on the South coast here. The father was out surfing with his eldest daughter. The others were on the beach.
    Right in front of the fathers eyes a great white came and took his daughter.....

    How would you ever get over something like that?

    The truth is, you wouldn't....

    You might heal and be able to move forward for the sake of your family but the scar would always be there and slightly open....

    Some might say that something like that is worse than breaking up or divorce, but the main difference is that when somebody dies, they are gone for everybody. The tributes flow and the support comes in folds...from family, friends and the community as a whole....

    But when somebody leaves you, they only die in your life. For everyone else they are still very much alive and well....And so we are alone in our grief....

    Plus we know they are still there so we go through the torment of trying to win them back and/or NC, and this can cause a lot more psychological damage and prolong the healing process even further.....

    We certainly still have a lot to be grateful for*

    Carus*

  11. #10
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2017
    Posts
    312
    Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith
    Mikey - first of all, thank you for your service. I wrote that post and then started searching some of your old posts and realized that you are a combat vet. I was hoping it wouldn't offend you! I was in Afghanistan with the national guard in 2002. I saw many affairs go down. I was lucky enough to have broken up with a girl right before going.

    Also, in your posts, I noticed a similarity with my ex...the kid(s). Man that added some crap to the situation! It seems that you and I have a better situation with our exes than the girls we dated. The father wasn't in the picture at all with my ex gf so she was raising her son alone with the help of her mom. My ex wife is VERY involved with my daughter and you can really tell. I know that we are predisposed to favor our own kids but I cant help but feel like my daughter was so much more behaved and polite. I would never let mine get away with the things she let hers get away with. My daughter was always so loving and happy to see her little boy. He was often rude to her. Didn't want to share his toys on the rare occasion that we went to their house. Meanwhile, we spent 99% of the time at my house where he played with all of my daughter's toys. God its so annoying to look back on.

    Well, doesn't matter. She is gone now and somehow managed to leave without feeling too bad about it all. It's like a switch flipped. She went from insecure and jealous to total freedom. Let me with most of the blame and even offered some advice for getting over her. Now im wrecked. I suppose some good could come of this but I feel like garbage now.

    Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!
    Teddy

    No offense taken...
    Glad you are reading my posts... And it looks like we can relate...:)
    Thank you also for your service.

    My best advise to you, is let it go.... Got to move on... I know it is harder done than said.....
    I been NC for 8 months now... I am so much better at this point... I find stuff to do...

    If you want to chat about it... Send me a personal message and I will give you my number...
    It is good to vent... :)

    Mikey

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •