Is it okay for your S/O to check out other people while on a date?

How would you feel if you catch your S/O checking out other people when you were on a date?

Is this acceptable behavior? I realize there are millions of attractive people in the world, but in my most honest opinion, I find this disrespectful when your S/O is around. Like if they aren't around I dont see an issue.

what would you do if your S/O were constantly checking out others when you went on dates?

I wouldn't date a guy who does this.

Discretion is important. The person you are describing lacks that. That is not a dating candidate in my books.

How many dates has it been? Do you mean the guy you just broke up with or the guy you just started seeing? It's rude just like someone staring at their phone, etc.

I realize there are millions of attractive people in the world, but in my most honest opinion, I find this disrespectful

its a bit rude if you don't hide it with a bit of discretion. I once dated a woman who I sat opposite and she ONLY focused on me and no one else in the pub. Compare her to another girl I dated whose eyes wandered. This was a turn off to me and I will always remember when a guy walked into the pub. Her eyes followed this man right across the room.

It depends on the person. Some people are more visual than others so you have to let it go. As human being we are social entities so it could bt that they are just people watching.

Depends. If it was someone I was recently seeing, I would think it inappropriate. If it was someone I have been seeing for a while, meh, whatever.

What's important is how you see it.

I can't say I've ever made it a notable habit to "catch" a partner of mine checking someone out. Maybe if we have a male waiter who's really good looking, but I mean... someone's right in front of you like that, I could hardly blame anyone. Otherwise, assuming someone's not staring off for 10 seconds with their jaw unhinged, I'm not doing 180s to see where my fiancee's glance momentarily shifted. And even were I to reflexively glance over to where she had, if I myself could notice an attractive guy she is likely checking out, I could only think to myself, "Yeah... fair enough. That's a good lookin' dude." Speaking personally, someone who's stunning is stunning regardless of whether my date is a woman I'd met a week ago or a year ago, and there's a good chance I'll look if the opportunity presents itself. But, again, big difference between a subtle(ish) glance and full-on gawking or excusing yourself to go talk to her.

This and "flirting" are probably two of the biggest inquiries I'm hesitant to chime in on just for how wide the scope is for the terms and how big of a role suspicious minds can play. If someone's pretty much set on "catching" someone looking at someone else, a guy (or gal) could shift their eyes 5 degrees and for 0.005 seconds and still get dinged.

Honestly, if someone has to ask, I tend to assume they're in reference to activity that's innocent enough. It's pretty common sense and universally accepted that it's rude to stare off or gawk at really anything while you've got a date sitting in front of you, never mind stare at another respective man / woman.

I mean, it depends oh how extreme the 'checking out' is. I'd be fine if its subtle. If it was entering into stupid territory whereby its very noticeable and even othr people notice, then it would be a problem

Is it a quick look, or checking out? If it is the latter, it is unacceptable.

You shouldn't be with anyone, as you are clearly not over the ex. Why don't you process that.

You shouldn't be with anyone, as you are clearly not over the ex. Why don't you process that.

Agree. You just wrote a week or so ago about wanting to rub your new relationship in your exes face. Before that you battled with whether or not this guy was a rebound, he deffinetely is and here lies your issue, whether he was actually checking another woman out or if you're bringing baggage from your ex and his cheating is debatable. If he really was blatantly checking someone out you now will probably have issues walking away because it signifies 'failing' and in your mind, based on your last post, you are in a 'who is going to win the breakup' battle with your ex.

Either way, pick your poison, it's all bad. You have got to heal. It doesn't happen over night, it doesn't happen by getting up under someone else. It doesn't happen by seeking revenge, it doesn't happen by villainizing, it's time and doing the work to actually heal. Short cuts do more harm than good.

You shouldn't be with anyone, as you are clearly not over the ex. Why don't you process that.

Because I am over him. If I wanted him i could have him. He has come back already and tried and I’m the one that ignores him. I might not be over the hurt he caused completely but I have no feelings for him. It’s been well over 7 months since the break up and when I get my period I get over emotional over everything, he just so happens to be a reason from time to time. It feels counterproductive to be told I’m not over him and needn’t to heal, when that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I did everything and worked on myself and lost over 20lbs post BU, went to therapy, graduated, published a book, built a freelance job that pays better than my actual job, backpacked to 6 countries with friends, all in these 7mo post break up. I come here to vent the ocasional nights I get angry at what happened. I have accepted it all. That’s what I share, because it’s what the forum is for.

My current partner and I are very happy, I see a future with him, it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve been in thus far, we slowed it down and are going a healthy pace now (no more sleeping over on weekends) I’m happy with him, my ex is not an issue.

I asked this because I noticed last time he did it. It’s not a deal breaker for me and it wasn’t but I wanted to hear peoples opinions on it.

Because I am over him. If I wanted him i could have him. He has come back already and tried and I’m the one that ignores him. I might not be over the hurt he caused completely but I have no feelings for him. It’s been well over 7 months since the break up and when I get my period I get over emotional over everything, he just so happens to be a reason from time to time. It feels counterproductive to be told I’m not over him and needn’t to heal, when that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I did everything and worked on myself and lost over 20lbs post BU, went to therapy, graduated, published a book, built a freelance job that pays better than my actual job, backpacked to 6 countries with friends, all in these 7mo post break up. I come here to vent the ocasional nights I get angry at what happened. I have accepted it all. That’s what I share, because it’s what the forum is for.

 

My current partner and I are very happy, I see a future with him, it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve been in thus far, we slowed it down and are going a healthy pace now (no more sleeping over on weekends) I’m happy with him, my ex is not an issue.

 

I asked this because I noticed last time he did it. It’s not a deal breaker for me and it wasn’t but I wanted to hear peoples opinions on it.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Alex, it's a good thing to be honest when you post and I don't think anyone wants you to stop posting, but at the same time its 'counter productive' to expect people to not hold you to your very own words. How can we give you advice if we're afraid you're going to lash out and do a complete 180 depending on where you are in your menstal cycle.

6 days ago you said you check your exes social media every other day. You have a ton of pent up anger towards your ex and you stated you want to 'shove' your happiness in his face. This was 6 days ago.

You asked a question and you got a ton of excellent advice, but in the long run by ignoring the elephant in the room you're just putting cheap bandaids on the holes of the sinking ship. You want to use us when you get anxious, so be it, but the fact remains, you've got some more healing to do.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

 

Alex, it's a good thing to be honest when you post and I don't think anyone wants you to stop posting, but at the same time its 'counter productive' to expect people to not hold you to your very own words. How can we give you advice if we're afraid you're going to lash out and do a complete 180 depending on where you are in your menstal cycle.

 

6 days ago you said you check your exes social media every other day. You have a ton of pent up anger towards your ex and you stated you want to 'shove' your happiness in his face. This was 6 days ago.

 

You asked a question and you got a ton of excellent advice, but in the long run by ignoring the elephant in the room you're just putting cheap bandaids on the holes of the sinking ship. You want to use us when you get anxious, so be it, but the fact remains, you've got some more healing to do.

Great points.

LMFAO the sinking ship? I’ve done absolutely nothing but FLY after this guy. I literally come here to vent because I have no one to take it to me when it’s that time of the month and the hormone stuff are on a rampage. My once in a while thoughts somehow make me seem like im still pinning for this guy. I’d really love to know what kind of sinking ship you’re talking about, considering my life has been anything but that in the past 7 months. But thanks for the the advice, though not at all what I wanted to talk about or even asked about. Funny how my ex is being shoved on my face even when I don’t mention him. This post has 0 to do about him yet here we go again.

"I honestly just want to fully move on for once. I am so tired of feeling like this. Like I want him to keep seeing me happy with my new man (who I admit started as a rebound for me, but has blossomed into a healthy relationship in which I honestly cant see myself with anyone else but him). How do I stop this cruel dark obsession of checking up on him silently. I can't block him because it's honestly been so long... I do not want him to even considering that I still care. Specially because I do not mention my feelings or acknowledge the existence of our relationship

(or lack of). In his eyes, he thinks I have fully moved on from him and dont care for him because I never reacted outwardly and internalized it all. I never got the closure I needed. Part of me feels like the conversation me and him had back in Jan was his way of getting his closure. I never got mine..."

This is from six days ago. Clearly, you have not moved on.

LMFAO the sinking ship? I’ve done absolutely nothing but FLY after this guy. I literally come here to vent because I have no one to take it to me when it’s that time of the month and the hormone stuff are on a rampage. My once in a while thoughts somehow make me seem like im still pinning for this guy. I’d really love to know what kind of sinking ship you’re talking about, considering my life has been anything but that in the past 7 months. But thanks for the the advice, though not at all what I wanted to talk about or even asked about. Funny how my ex is being shoved on my face even when I don’t mention him. This post has 0 to do about him yet here we go again.

Ok, so your current question is about whether or not a man 'constantly' checking out others is ok. Many replied 'no, absolutely not' some others asked you to elaborate because it's generally about perspective.

I tend to agree with those who believe it's about perspective, which as I pointed out does lead down the ex road because as I stated earlier, you could be carrying baggage from your previous relationship. I think it's safe to say it's understandable that someone who was cheated on would have trust issues.

It is very likely because of where you are in your healing. ( the opposite of love is indifference, not hate and you are not indifferent, not yet, few people are completely indifferent of a difficult breakup so soon after)

you feel you waited until you were ready and I will not argue with you about that BUT that baggage most likely is still hanging by your side and if it is,it's going to create issues that wouldn't be there otherwise.

I was not attacking you or your relationship when I used the symbolism of a sinking ship. I'm a visualizer so even when I write I try to visualize what I'm saying. Essentially what I'm saying is you're trying to fix the symptom instead of the disease. Your menstrual cycle is no excuse to be angrily fixated on an ex. If that were the case no man in the world would be left standing. Is this a genuine concern or a symptom? I guess only you know that for sure.

If this were the first time reading anything from you, my response would probably be: " Are you sure what you're seeing? If so and he's constantly looking in front of you lord knows what he's doing behind your back, not worth it"

You can choose which response works for you.

"I honestly just want to fully move on for once. I am so tired of feeling like this. Like I want him to keep seeing me happy with my new man (who I admit started as a rebound for me, but has blossomed into a healthy relationship in which I honestly cant see myself with anyone else but him). How do I stop this cruel dark obsession of checking up on him silently. I can't block him because it's honestly been so long... I do not want him to even considering that I still care. Specially because I do not mention my feelings or acknowledge the existence of our relationship

(or lack of). In his eyes, he thinks I have fully moved on from him and dont care for him because I never reacted outwardly and internalized it all. I never got the closure I needed. Part of me feels like the conversation me and him had back in Jan was his way of getting his closure. I never got mine..."

This is from six days ago. Clearly, you have not moved on.

Holly, what i want to move on from is the feelings of hatred and disgust. I want to feel indifferent towards him, not feel like I hate him. I truly enjoy watching him suffer and this is something as a person I should NOT enjoy. I internalized all these feelings, and I hate feeling like if I see him and he tries to talk to me as he has in the past very few times we have walked into each other, I will not be able to ignore him any longer and just tell him off. I want to move on from these feelings. I never got MY answers and I derived from his actions. Romantic wise, not a spec left. And its relieving to say that I am 100% sure of this within myself, I have 0 doubt of this. Someone once told me here that its about forgiving, and thats what I'm working towards, for me. I will continue to ignore his existence and work on myself until indifference is all I feel - for now, nothing but hurt and pain. I recognize a lot of this is also because I became someone I never believed I could be, and I blame a lot of it on myself too.

Since you didn’t ask for an opinion on being over your ex I will side step that land mine and answer your original question... I am a very visual person and am drawn to beautiful people, men AND women.

I try not to stare and be respectful to the person I am with and appreciate it when they do the same...

Mind you, if Luke Cage were to walk into the establishment I was at you could bet I would secretly be wiping a little drool off my face lol

As long as it’s not obvious gawking and he does his best to keep his attention on me it doesn’t bother me. We are only human after all [emoji4]

Ok, so your current question is about whether or not a man 'constantly' checking out others is ok. Many replied 'no, absolutely not' some others asked you to elaborate because it's generally about perspective.

 

I tend to agree with those who believe it's about perspective, which as I pointed out does lead down the ex road because as I stated earlier, you could be carrying baggage from your previous relationship. I think it's safe to say it's understandable that someone who was cheated on would have trust issues.

 

It is very likely because of where you are in your healing. ( the opposite of love is indifference, not hate and you are not indifferent, not yet, few people are completely indifferent of a difficult breakup so soon after)

 

you feel you waited until you were ready and I will not argue with you about that BUT that baggage most likely is still hanging by your side and if it is,it's going to create issues that wouldn't be there otherwise.

 

I was not attacking you or your relationship when I used the symbolism of a sinking ship. I'm a visualizer so even when I write I try to visualize what I'm saying. Essentially what I'm saying is you're trying to fix the symptom instead of the disease. Your menstrual cycle is no excuse to be angrily fixated on an ex. If that were the case no man in the world would be left standing. Is this a genuine concern or a symptom? I guess only you know that for sure.

 

If this were the first time reading anything from you, my response would probably be: " Are you sure what you're seeing? If so and he's constantly looking in front of you lord knows what he's doing behind your back, not worth it"

 

You can choose which response works for you.

But what disease? Are you referring to me hating my ex?

I guess I'm just annoyed he keeps trying to be friendly with me at work. I have ignored everything he's done. His childish shots at me in his social (which are a big part of why I check every other day. This kid still writes about me, calls me names, then acts all friendly with me when we are forced to talk about work stuff and tries asking me how I'm doing, etc.) This makes my anger even more intense but yet again, I have already learned to internalize it. This is literally the only place I go to vent, and it's helped, oh so much, to write it out and put it out in the world hiding under the veil of anonymous.

And no, me and my boyfriend went on a day-long date two days ago. I caught a really hot gal walk by (even I stared) and he looked, too. I feel as though in front of your date it's disrespectful, but I really dont care if he does it with his friends. I caught him do it that day 2 times, it kind of irked me, but I didnt say anything because I also felt I was over reacting since he's already used to me being the type of girl that also checks out other girls (as in, I compliment them and find them beautiful and say it, rather than talk trash just because they're prettier than me). It usually doesnt bother me but that day it did.

I trust him wholeheartedly and it's a breath of fresh air to say it's the first relationship where I have 0 doubts in where we are going. I'm also making sure to slow my pace with him. His actions speak so loud and clear, and my gut is calm. He speaks of the future much more than I do, too. His dating history isn't a red flag - all past relationships have been committed, serious relationships. His last one was 1 1/2 years ago, and ended because she cheated, then he dated around and tested his waters before committing again. His mom and I get along very well, he's supportive, communicates, always tells me everything without me even asking. I hope this makes it easier for everyone to understand why I dont want to break up. I really, really like him. And he likes me. And we are doing all the 'right' things. There's mutual trust. Now why would I let that go...

Since you didn’t ask for an opinion on being over your ex I will side step that land mine and answer your original question... I am a very visual person and am drawn to beautiful people, men AND women.

 

I try not to stare and be respectful to the person I am with and appreciate it when they do the same...

 

Mind you, if Luke Cage were to walk into the establishment I was at you could bet I would secretly be wiping a little drool off my face lol

 

As long as it’s not obvious gawking and he does his best to keep his attention on me it doesn’t bother me. We are only human after all [emoji4]

Thank you! I also feel this way. I myself am a very visual person, for some reason, it irked me that day.

I agree with the whole as long as it's not obvious gawking it's okay. Basically I don't want to KNOW it happened haha. I really was wondering about how others feel about this. I know some people that have even broken up over this!

Thank you! I also feel this way. I myself am a very visual person, for some reason, it irked me that day.

I agree with the whole as long as it's not obvious gawking it's okay. Basically I don't want to KNOW it happened haha. I really was wondering about how others feel about this. I know some people that have even broken up over this!

Well, is he very obviously looking at other women? And how frequently does this happen?

I interpret "checking out" to mean obvious gawking, but perhaps this isn't what your guy is doing. Can you clarify?

I can't say I've ever made it a notable habit to "catch" a partner of mine checking someone out. Maybe if we have a male waiter who's really good looking, but I mean... someone's right in front of you like that, I could hardly blame anyone. Otherwise, assuming someone's not staring off for 10 seconds with their jaw unhinged, I'm not doing 180s to see where my fiancee's glance momentarily shifted. And even were I to reflexively glance over to where she had, if I myself could notice an attractive guy she is likely checking out, I could only think to myself, "Yeah... fair enough. That's a good lookin' dude." Speaking personally, someone who's stunning is stunning regardless of whether my date is a woman I'd met a week ago or a year ago, and there's a good chance I'll look if the opportunity presents itself. But, again, big difference between a subtle(ish) glance and full-on gawking or excusing yourself to go talk to her.

 

This and "flirting" are probably two of the biggest inquiries I'm hesitant to chime in on just for how wide the scope is for the terms and how big of a role suspicious minds can play. If someone's pretty much set on "catching" someone looking at someone else, a guy (or gal) could shift their eyes 5 degrees and for 0.005 seconds and still get dinged.

 

Honestly, if someone has to ask, I tend to assume they're in reference to activity that's innocent enough. It's pretty common sense and universally accepted that it's rude to stare off or gawk at really anything while you've got a date sitting in front of you, never mind stare at another respective man / woman.

Very interesting points you brought out. I like that you mentioned flirting. Strangely enough, I don't necessarily see flirting as bad, to an extent. Calling another woman/man beautiful and stuff I find okay. Trying to get into bed with them with words, however, its a no no. Me and my brother actually talked about this the other day and he surprised me with what he said - to him, it's cheating if the person that is taken gives any sort of indication with words or actions that they have a shot with them while they are in a relationship, so flirting alone is a no no to him. I was shocked - he is only 17! I was kind of proud of that, not going to lie.

Well, is he very obviously looking at other women? And how frequently does this happen?

 

I interpret "checking out" to mean obvious gawking, but perhaps this isn't what your guy is doing. Can you clarify?

It wasn't obvious gawking. His eyes followed her as she walked by, and I looked his way to see if he was. Any other day I'd also be doing the checking out, but for some reason, it irked me that day. I guess it was because it was a place we had never been to before (we went to a theme park) and I had my full attention on him the entire day (like the hottest man could walk next to me and I wouldn't even notice) so I got a bit annoyed but didn't make a scene or anything.

Y'know the funniest thing ended up happening that day though. After the theme park he took me to Olive Garden and the hottest waiter was apparently checking ME out. He was the one that noticed and told me about it and I noticed it after, too, so I let my eyes wander for a bit to the waiter. Wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine! Tho none in malicious intent. We had a great day overall! Wouldn't change it if I got the chance to :)

But what disease? Are you referring to me hating my ex?

I guess I'm just annoyed he keeps trying to be friendly with me at work. I have ignored everything he's done. His childish shots at me in his social (which are a big part of why I check every other day. This kid still writes about me, calls me names, then acts all friendly with me when we are forced to talk about work stuff and tries asking me how I'm doing, etc.) This makes my anger even more intense but yet again, I have already learned to internalize it. This is literally the only place I go to vent, and it's helped, oh so much, to write it out and put it out in the world hiding under the veil of anonymous.

 

And no, me and my boyfriend went on a day-long date two days ago. I caught a really hot gal walk by (even I stared) and he looked, too. I feel as though in front of your date it's disrespectful, but I really dont care if he does it with his friends. I caught him do it that day 2 times, it kind of irked me, but I didnt say anything because I also felt I was over reacting since he's already used to me being the type of girl that also checks out other girls (as in, I compliment them and find them beautiful and say it, rather than talk trash just because they're prettier than me). It usually doesnt bother me but that day it did.

 

I trust him wholeheartedly and it's a breath of fresh air to say it's the first relationship where I have 0 doubts in where we are going. I'm also making sure to slow my pace with him. His actions speak so loud and clear, and my gut is calm. He speaks of the future much more than I do, too. His dating history isn't a red flag - all past relationships have been committed, serious relationships. His last one was 1 1/2 years ago, and ended because she cheated, then he dated around and tested his waters before committing again. His mom and I get along very well, he's supportive, communicates, always tells me everything without me even asking. I hope this makes it easier for everyone to understand why I dont want to break up. I really, really like him. And he likes me. And we are doing all the 'right' things. There's mutual trust. Now why would I let that go...

Yes, I'd say the anger is the disease. Maybe mixed with some control issues? I don't know.

To break the addiction maybe try to wean yourself off. Instead of every other day every two days then every 3 days then once a week then every other week, you get my point.

Think about it, if you found out the guy you're currently dating was checking an exes social media even twice a week wouldn't that bother you? Youre upset about his wandering eye but your hands arent exactly clean, Alex.

It reminds me of those talk shows where the woman brings the man in for cheating and he passes the lie detector test then they come on the show again and the mans like hey I want her tested now and she fails the test.

I really and truly think once the anger and resentment get in check your current relationship will smooth out. Guilty conscious, projecting, these are possibilities and to be quite frank, I don't think even you know for sure. He does sound like a good guy.

I hope you continue to vent, it's good to get it out. I think I may have mentioned before to you starting a journal. I think it helps a lot of people.

Most of all I hope you stop checking his social media.

Well if you are annoyed by him looking then it is at least an issue.

I have zero issues with my wife checking out other guys. I don't see it as disrespectful to me and she knows that. I also don't care in the least about others checking her out.

I extremely rarely will check out a woman. I just get very focused in conversation when I am out with my wife and am heavily focused on our interactions and rarely notice others.

But "checking out" is a pretty ambiguous thing though. I've heard spouses say their SO was doing it when I saw a glance, other times it seems a spouse doesn't care that their SO is eye humping someone.

So an individual's definition seem to vary drastically person to person. Anywhere from changing the scenario from a crazy overly jealous person to an insanely disrespectful and rude person.