Hurt and confused

Hi everyone...

I’m new to this and hope by telling my story it will help a bit and maybe get some feedback as to how to handle this.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years. No kids together. Things have been tense lately between us. He works away so is only home 4 days a month. We are both early 40’s. I also have a friend whom I went to high school with who I’ve been friends with for years now. We did date briefly years ago. He is also in a long term relationship but they’ve broken up and got back together in the last 2 years. Myself and this friend have been communicating on a more daily basis for the last year and in the last month he basically said he loved me. We did see each other a few times. He told me he was not happy with his current situation because he thought about me a lot and that made him think he’s not with the person he should be. I told him I had feelings for him but I didn’t come out and say I loved him. Long story short, he said he thought we loved eachother but neither would say. He said he wanted to see where it went and that he was crazy about me. Then 3 weeks ago he tells me he needs to take a step back as he found him self driving past my house as he was worried about me and that he feels he got carried away as driving by my house is not the right thing to do. He pulled back but we did see eachother once after that and I could see and tell how he felt about me. No doubt that he does love me but our situations are complex.

Since then he mentioned seeing me twice but it didn’t happen. He has stopped contact with me and it’s now I realize that my feelings for him are mutual. He’s all I can think about. I miss talking to him. I feel like I didn’t get closure with this situation. He expressed his feelings for me and then disappeared. Maybe out of fear? Trying to forget it but it’s very difficult. At a loss of what to do or how to move past this.

Any feedback would be appreciated to help me understand what happened here

I think he talks to you when he's frustrated with his girlfriend, but then when his girlfriend treats him nicely, he doesn't contact you. There may be some guilt too. He's in a relationship and he's basically emotionally cheating on his girlfriend. The next step would be to actually cheat with you, but he's hanging back from that and not crossing the line yet.

I don't think you should do anything until he actually leaves his girlfriend and then you can leave your boyfriend. Cheating causes all sorts of problems. He may just be all talk. You know, half the husbands in the world will sit at bars and complain about not loving their wives. A lot of it is just talk. So you shouldn't get too involved unless this guy is serious about leaving his girlfriend.

You both need to make clean breaks with your partners if you expect anything to take off between the two of you. A lot of people talk a good game to the other woman, but when push comes to shove, they don't make the changes necessary to be with that person and stay in a miserable relationship because it's familiar. I would make it clear that you won't be in touch with him anymore while you're both still committed to someone else; tell him to come find you when and if he's available and if you're still interested you will consider giving things a go at that time. Then reevaluate how happy you actually are in your current relationship and if you feel it can be revived or if it's past the point of no return. You need to leave your partner regardless of what's going on with this other man if your fundamental needs have been communicated and aren't being considered or met.