My best friend hates me

I work day shifts M-F and my boyfriend works night shifts M-F. The only time we can really hang out is on the weekend. My best friend recently told me that me and him can’t be friends anymore because I haven’t seen him on the weekends recently. It angers me because he knows that weekends are the rare time I have for my boyfriend, AND I see my best friend everyday at work! Is it wrong for him to drop me like that? Should I move on?

Are you male or female? Or, I suppose more directly, does it work out where your sexual orientations would align? Sounds an awful lot like dude's into you and wants his ultimatum to pay off. I'd simply say, "OK, bye."

Thanks for the response. I’m male and gay, and my best friend is also gay. We’ve been really good friends for 8 years and I never got the vibe that he was into me, but the thought did cross my mind based on the way he’s treated me recently

You see him everyday at work, and he wants weekends, too. That's a lot of time.

He is being unreasonable. Are you his only friend?

What is happening to you happens to most everyone. The friend gets less priority over the new BF/GF, so the friend feels betrayed. I know he's being all dramatic, but this does need to be addressed. I'm sure you two can come up with a plan for some quality time after work and maybe one day or evening outing once every two weeks. Try to make a compromise. If this doesn't work, then ask him if there is more than friendship with him on this. Some people have a difficult time discussing sensitive things, even tho you have known each other for 8 years. To me that's a lot to just throw away so take a chance and see what you can to do make everyone happy before you decide to cut ties.

Do you and your best friend still sometimes hang out, just the two of you?

Seeing your best friend at work is not really quality time spent together. I get that you want to see your boyfriend, but I am curious when was the last time that you and your friend met and chilled together.

My best friend recently told me that me and him can’t be friends anymore because I haven’t seen him on the weekends recently.

Real friends understand that friendships might change and evolve as new life experiences arise. When people have children or are dealing with a family member with major health problems, or have alternative work shifts/days off, etc., the time you spend with a friend might lessen. As long as that friend makes some effort, it's something a mature, real friend should accept.

His tantrum is childish. If he wants a friend to hang out with on the weekends, he can ask someone to do that. If he doesn't have any other friends, that's his problem.

It's up to you if you want to let him make good on his ultimatum or not. If you want to keep him as a friend, you will have to have a backbone and not back down to his manipulation. I'd say, "Let's make plans to do something on a midweek night once a week." If he pouts or gets angry, tell him you don't find being around someone like that to be fun, and if that's the way he's going to be, it's best you part ways.

Thank you guys for the replies. I think this situation requires a bit more detail. My best friend (J) is dating someone and has been for years. I’ve been with my boyfriend © for about 2 years, but we broke up once about 4 months ago and figured things out, and now we’re back.

(J) has hated © ever since we reconciled, and has been flipping out about me spending my weekends with him. (J) Lost a chance for promotion last week and I went out to some bars with him to cheer him up. That was 5 days ago, and yesterday he said we can’t be friends because every weekend I prioritize ©. I just don’t get it, his actions feel selfish to me. Sorry for the rant I’m just dumbfounded how my closest bro is walking away because he doesn’t like the person I’m dating and when we see each other.

If you're neglecting everyone else in your life in favor of a private bubble with BF, then people will drop away. All relationship need attention and cultivation to thrive. If you and BF aren't spending ANY of your time socializing with other people, that's not only bad for your friend and family relationships, it's a dependency on one other person to be your 'everything'. That tends to backfire into a very lonely place to be.

I'd apologize to friend for neglecting him without making excuses. I'd arrange time to see him after one of your work shifts or I'd combo plate my time socializing with BF and include some of our friends.

If you're neglecting everyone else in your life in favor of a private bubble with BF, then people will drop away. All relationship need attention and cultivation to thrive. If you and BF aren't spending ANY of your time socializing with other people, that's not only bad for your friend and family relationships, it's a dependency on one other person to be your 'everything'. That tends to backfire into a very lonely place to be.

 

I'd apologize to friend for neglecting him without making excuses. I'd arrange time to see him after one of your work shifts or I'd combo plate my time socializing with BF and include some of our friends.

I disagree. If she sees this guy every single day and works side by side with him - i don't think its crazy that she wants to spend weekends with her boyfriend because she doesn't see him during the week because they work opposite shifts. I don't think they are in a "bubble" if she doesnt' see the boyfriend hardly during the week. She likely sees family, etc, in the evenings from time to time. Does the best friend ever invite her and her boyfriend to go out with him AND his girlfriend somewhere or meet for dinner at one of their places -- or does he *just* only want to hang out one on one? If he only wants to hang out one on one - then that's a little concerning (added that he doesn't like the boyfriend). So it goes both ways. Quite frankly, if I worked side by side with someone all day at work - i would NOT want to spend the weekend with them

Have you asked your friend at work if he'd like to join you and your boyfriend to hang out and do something on the weekend? Maybe you could set him up with a blind date? ;)

Just seeing your friend at work and not doing anything else but be work friends (if that's what has been happening) maybe makes him feel neglected?

Thanks for the response. I’m male and gay, and my best friend is also gay. We’ve been really good friends for 8 years and I never got the vibe that he was into me, but the thought did cross my mind based on the way he’s treated me recently

I missed that you were both gay. Yes, if he hates your boyfriend - then i would not be motivated to spend any more time with him. My advice is the same -- but i guess i called you she by accident.

... and I missed the part where his friend has his own boyfriend. o.0

If you don't want to lose the friendship can't you talk to him about the four of you doing things on the weekend together; him and his boyfriend and you and your boyfriend and putting aside your differences... or come up with a compromise where you give him a weekend night once a month or something. I think he's being immature but we have to nurture our friendships like we do any relationship in order to keep it together.

Friendships should be easy and not stressful. Your friend is obviously going through some stuff at the moment, such as missing the job promotion etc. It seems like he wants all your attention to himself. He is being selfish and not really thinking about your needs as well. I would let him know exactly how torn you feel by wanting to support him and spend time with him but also point out that you see him more than you see your boyfriend and even though he doesn't like him as your friend he should want you to be happy and spend time with your man to keep your relationship strong!

Try not to stress too much, because you can't force things to work if the other person isn't willing to meet you half way.

Good luck.