Grief Relapse

I am going to be hard on myself in this post. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up nearly 2.5 years ago. We had dated for around a year. It was an intense (good) relationship with an intense (bad) aftermath. She has been dating someone else now for, I don't know, maybe 2 years.

I grieved and numbed the pain with other women for a long time, until this past September which was two years out. Then, I actually started improving my life. I joined ballroom dance (and I'm not too bad at it) which fills my social and competitive needs, have a new DnD friend group, fixed my headaches (vision related), and upped my wardrobe and hairstyle. I also recently scored a full-time job which pays a salary that makes me financially secure. And I've been supporting myself on my own now (single) for a while. So good things.

So, why, in the last two weeks, out of nowhere, did I have an intense romantic dream about her, and then last night the same? It throws off my days :( I feel really pathetic. I just want to find someone else, but I'm finding that she still has control of me in some ways - and I haven't even talked to her in years.

A few theories:

1. I'm not having success finding someone else

2. I'm actually not over her

3. She's still the best I've had

4. I still feel like it's one of my few "thorns" (significant wrong decisions I've made in my life)

Not sure what to think. Insights appreciated.

She seems to represent something that you wish to attain but haven't. She seems like a symbol to you, instead of a human being.

G'morn pd, happy Sunday??

Dreams - ahhh yes, love em, hate em.

But yeah they do have the power to rearrange our thoughts (and feelings) which can be good and bad imo.

I think it's pretty common to have dreams (intense) about someone we were once very emotionally attached to. Like you, I had an extremely intense dream about my long term ex last year (June 2017), around 1.5 years after we broke up.

It was so intense and thought it had some deep meaning that I was actually even considering contacting him and getting back together!!

I even started a thread about it if you want to check out; I received some great responses that helped me put things in proper perspective. If you search through the threads I've created in my profile, you will find it (June last year).

Ultimately, the dream helped me release certain feelings that I had been suppressing apparently. It allowed those feelings to rise to the surface (instead of being buried within) to be released, forever!!

I have not had a dream about him since (almost one year later).

In short, the dream was very healing! This was cooroborated in several articles I read afterwards.

What I have learned since is that no matter how painful it is to do, it's important to experience the pain **while it's happening**, do not try to bury it or your feelings after a breakup, a death of a loved one, or any time we experience something painful.

Example, dating others as a way to "get over" an ex, or as you said numb the pain.. No, it doesn't work. The pain and feelings only get buried within, and fester. Only to resurface later, in the form of an intense dream, or however, which will confuse you, and possibly screw you up worse!

It did me anyway, in various different forms, prior to having the dream (forming unhealthy attachments). Yeah, dreams are a powerful view inside our psyche and again can be very healing!

Hope this helped and again, check out my thread! Good insights from many!

She seems to represent something that you wish to attain but haven't. She seems like a symbol to you, instead of a human being.

Viewing her as a condition, a "best," or maybe better described as a standard. A standard of relationship that I do not currently have nor have been able to find, probably due to my past mistake.

G'morn pd, happy Sunday??

 

Dreams - ahhh yes, love em, hate em.

 

But yeah they do have the power to rearrange our thoughts (and feelings) which can be good and bad imo.

 

I think it's pretty common to have dreams (intense) about someone we were once very emotionally attached to. Like you, I had an extremely intense dream about my long term ex last year (June 2017), around 1.5 years after we broke up.

 

It was so intense and thought it had some deep meaning that I was actually even considering contacting him and getting back together!!

 

I even started a thread about it if you want to check out; I received some great responses that helped me put things in proper perspective. If you search through the threads I've created in my profile, you will find it (June last year).

 

Ultimately, the dream helped me release certain feelings that I had been suppressing apparently. It allowed those feelings to rise to the surface (instead of being buried within) to be released, forever!!

 

I have not had a dream about him since (almost one year later).

 

In short, the dream was very healing! This was cooroborated in several articles I read afterwards.

 

What I have learned since is that no matter how painful it is to do, it's important to experience the pain **while it's happening**, do not try to bury it or your feelings after a breakup, a death of a loved one, or any time we experience something painful.

 

Example, dating others as a way to "get over" an ex, or as you said numb the pain.. No, it doesn't work. The pain and feelings only get buried within, and fester. Only to resurface later, in the form of an intense dream, or however, which will confuse you, and possibly screw you up worse!

 

It did me anyway, in various different forms, prior to having the dream (forming unhealthy attachments). Yeah, dreams are a powerful view inside our psyche and again can be very healing!

 

Hope this helped and again, check out my thread! Good insights from many!

Happy(ish) Sunday [emoji14]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am happy to hear I'm not alone. I'll have to admit, I definitely have been assigning a deeper meaning to the dreams. I feel tortured.

_______________

My first dream was her and me in a car. She's smiling at me, bathed in sunlight. Everything is in great detail including her eyes. We're teasing about remembering our first kiss, and having a meaningful conversation. We both look down at each other's lips as if flirting with the idea of kissing. Pure bliss. (This isn't something that happened - not a memory). This one really made most of the day that followed very sad.

The second dream (last night) was less emotionally intense than the first. We were together or at least flirting with the idea. Lots of kidding around and laughter. It hasn't thrown me off as much as the first, but it prompted me to check her Facebook and to post this thread, neither of which I do often.

I describe these to show the intensity of the dreams and why they feel deeper to me. Am I recognizing something? Is it my body's way of saying, see you screwed up, better not do it again? I admit again that I thought this may have meant something, so I checked to see if she and her boyfriend had broken up, and if so maybe I should get in contact. No such luck.

I agree with feeling pain as it happens. It took me being on my own to deal with the loneliness for me to "get over it" two years out from the BU last September. Seem to still have these relapses though infrequently. I hope it's helping my healing, but it feels like unnecessary mental anguish. :/

I am going to find your thread and post it here for my own ease of access: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=536552&highlight=Dreams

These type of dreams I believe is your head finally dumping out what you have been holding in all this time. Now that you are in a good place, it's time to finally deal with her and those memories for the last time. This is your opportunity to talk it out so you can finally let her go for good.

These type of dreams I believe is your head finally dumping out what you have been holding in all this time. Now that you are in a good place, it's time to finally deal with her and those memories for the last time. This is your opportunity to talk it out so you can finally let her go for good.

 

A few theories:

 

1. I'm not having success finding someone else

 

2. I'm actually not over her

 

3. She's still the best I've had

 

4. I still feel like it's one of my few "thorns" (significant wrong decisions I've made in my life)

 

Not sure what to think. Insights appreciated.

You numbed your pain by using other people as distractions. Rebounds are a temporary bandaid. Grief comes out sideways until it's resolved.

You opened the door for this to happen by turning your focus on yourself, and that's a good thing.

Consider working with a therapist to help you actually go THROUGH the pain rather than around it. Read up on the stages of grief, and understand that these are not neat and linear. You'll cycle through these stages in no particular order repeatedly until you resolve them.

Head high, you're in great company. We all need to resolve our stuff.

I'm far from a dream interpreter so no help there unfortunately. Many say with time the bad has a way of fading while the good stays. That has some advantages and disadvantages and can at times be confusing. Whether or not you're over her? You don't really post enough about it for me to make an educated guess. You mentioned on another post you recently ending a FWB situation and it kinda throwing you off? Correlation? Why did you go down the FWB road and not a relationship? What are your thoughts? I think you read and post here enough to have an excellent grasp of where your minds at, we just sometimes need a little push. With that said I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Consider working with a therapist to help you actually go THROUGH the pain rather than around it. Read up on the stages of grief, and understand that these are not neat and linear. You'll cycle through these stages in no particular order repeatedly until you resolve them.

In lieu of a therapist, I read self-help books and watch Oprah-type shows when I'm really down in the dumps. It doesn't matter if they are the stupidest books or shows. If they are even slightly helpful or sympathetic, and I'm feeling bad, I'm all over them. Normally, I have little patience for them. But they are weirdly comforting when I'm feeling really down. So are overly-emotional friends. I find myself hanging out with more 'sensitive' people when I'm down in the dumps.

Do what helps.

You numbed your pain by using other people as distractions. Rebounds are a temporary bandaid. Grief comes out sideways until it's resolved.

 

You opened the door for this to happen by turning your focus on yourself, and that's a good thing.

 

Consider working with a therapist to help you actually go THROUGH the pain rather than around it. Read up on the stages of grief, and understand that these are not neat and linear. You'll cycle through these stages in no particular order repeatedly until you resolve them.

 

Head high, you're in great company. We all need to resolve our stuff.

You're right - here's to solving our problems one step at a time!

I'm far from a dream interpreter so no help there unfortunately. Many say with time the bad has a way of fading while the good stays. That has some advantages and disadvantages and can at times be confusing. Whether or not you're over her? You don't really post enough about it for me to make an educated guess. You mentioned on another post you recently ending a FWB situation and it kinda throwing you off? Correlation? Why did you go down the FWB road and not a relationship? What are your thoughts? I think you read and post here enough to have an excellent grasp of where your minds at, we just sometimes need a little push. With that said I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Figureitout, you always give the greatest advice. I think you're right about time causing the pain to fade more and more, even if it intermittently spikes. I think you hit it right on the money with the FWB ending. It leaves me alone and looking for an ideal I cannot find anywhere.

My friend (FWB) and I resolved the issue - she apologized and we've been back at it. Since then, the painful dreams have subsided. I am still looking for a relationship, but the FWB relieves the loneliness and the physical needs. Whether or not that's healthy? I would err on the side of it just being a way for me to meet my needs at this point - it doesn't feel like a numbing mechanism anymore. It feels different than before, even if the effect is the same.

As for why I have gone down the FWB road for 2 years or so now, I have not found someone with whom I've been like "yes, I want to date her." My best relationships have started that way: naturally, confidently, perhaps intensely; and my worst relationships have been forced (i.e. me going along with exclusivity because it was good enough).

I fear settling for a B+ relationship for a few reasons.

-competitive: I can't stand the thought of not finding someone better (or as good as) my ex. Or the thought of her trading up after me while I trade down. Ugh.

-family: I love them and they mean well, but they will pick apart anyone they deem not good/pretty enough for me.

-ambition/ideals: I am going places and I want a power couple. I want someone who challenges me and makes me better, while I do the same for them.

Unfortunately, it seems I am (physically) attracted to awkward/shy women that do not meet these categories in the past few years. So I've been seeing them and great FWB have resulted, but no relationships.

Well, that's me opening up about myself! Lol apparently I have a lot to say.

In lieu of a therapist, I read self-help books and watch Oprah-type shows when I'm really down in the dumps. It doesn't matter if they are the stupidest books or shows. If they are even slightly helpful or sympathetic, and I'm feeling bad, I'm all over them. Normally, I have little patience for them. But they are weirdly comforting when I'm feeling really down. So are overly-emotional friends. I find myself hanging out with more 'sensitive' people when I'm down in the dumps.

 

Do what helps.

I'll take suggestions if you have any!