Advice needed; living with boyfriend, I have nothing in my name

Hi,

Need a bit of advice, sorry if it's a bit long!

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have both gone through divorce from our previous relationships. When I met my partner I was renting but he owned his house. After a year together we decided for me to move in to his house. We are now trying to start a family and looking to either move house or extend his house. I feel quite strongly about moving due to this house being his previous marital home and nothing is in my name and I don't think it will ever feel like my home and not to mention the in laws are only down the road!! However my other half is more reluctant to move and wants to extend instead and he doesn't seem to understand my reasoning for wanting to move. We had a few valuations on the house recently to get an idea, he seems interested and then he seems to talk himself out of it again. I brought it up again my feelings about it but he said he had the primary decision on what we do because it's his house so I basically don't have a say. Might make me sound like a right cow but it kind of hurt me. We have joint bank accounts so my money also goes towards mortgage and bills. I understand as nothing is in my name I would have no legal right to anything and it has made me think today. I am 28 and I feel I am risking alot if he ever left me (I don't have any doubts he will but you never know) but if he did I would have absolutely nothing! Do I have a right to suggest I have my own savings in my separate account just in case?

I have no idea what to do or am I over reacting?

So, you didn't mention that you remarried, and if you're going to start a family, you should start with a marriage certificate first. Then the kids would be legal and you would own half of the house plus half of the family assets. That would make most of this discussion moot. And then if you have kids, you'll have in-laws down the street to help you when things get tough. I wouldn't have advised you to pool your money without being married, so I think you were a bit hasty there.

 

So forget arguing about the house, instead start arguing about getting married.

Don't combine money with someone you're not married to. You're putting yourself in a very risky position.

 

Separate your accounts until you're married and have a legal claim to this. He's right. You have no say in what he does with his house, legally speaking. I would not recommend purchasing a house together until you're married either.

 

If you're so eager to have a baby and buy a house together then just get married. What are you waiting for?

You should not have joint accounts before marriage. And, you certainlyly should not be paying off his mortgage. This makes no sense!

You should not have joint accounts before marriage. And, you certainlyly should not be paying off his mortgage. This makes no sense!

 

Yes this isn’t fair to you at all OP. To live in a situation where you are not empowered to make decisions about the home you live in and yet you pay his mortgage? That definitely doesn’t make sense.

Right now your legal status is tenant. You live in his house and pay what is more or less rent. The first thing you need to do is shut down joint accounts. Then you need to decide on a fair rent and share of utilities. You should be saving the rest for your future, retirement accounts etc.. Then you need to write one check a month for rent/utilities and state on the check "rent". Until you do this you are a house guest who pays down his mortgage. Stop trying to have a family when you have not even figured out how to be a couple with a balanced partnership. Playing wife doesn't make you a wife with legal rights.

We have joint bank accounts so my money also goes towards mortgage and bills. I understand as nothing is in my name I would have no legal right to anything and it has made me think today.

if you're committed to each other and looking to start a family he shouldn't be making all the decisions by himself, you both need to be considered. I would separate the finances. It sounds as if he isn't ready to progress or make change, perhaps he is still holding onto his old life and isn't ready to move on.

I would NEVER move into someone’s previous martial home. As you are finding out it’s distinctly uncomfortable . When my mother remarried he wanted her to move into his previous marital home where his first wife died . She actually died in the house . My mother steadfast refused . He sold his house and they went on to buy house that was THEIR own.

So, he's valuing a possession over the reasonable, and strong feelings of the woman he supposedly loves. If he doesn't care about how you feel on such an important issue, why are you with him? This is very telling and is the crystal ball of how he might treat you with all of the other major issues in your life.

You pay for the space you take up, regardless of whether you're jointly renting or if one owns the home. If you feel you'd get a better deal paying rent to a landlord elsewhere (mortgage payments are almost always drastically less than market-rate rent, especially when you weren't party to the down payment), then you're absolutely free to move out and do so. And what kind of "ideas" are we talking about with the house? If we're talking light decorations, then yes, I think it's only fair you get to reasonably personalize some of the space, or at least come to a compromise for what fits both your tastes.

 

This is why, as unromantic as it is, couples in this position should draw up a lease agreement that spells out rights and privileges afforded to you as a tenant. You financially contributing to the house you're residing in is 100% fair and as it should be. But that should also afford you the benefit of-- at least to the extent you could reasonably do so in your average rental unit-- make it your home. It's best to cut the **** and take it for what it is. Until your name is on the title, you're the tenant and he's the landlord.

 

And, yes, especially considering you're not even married, that would mean separate bank accounts are totally called for. That doesn't mean you don't pay toward your living space, but that he's perfectly capable of depositing a check you've written out rather than helping himself.

 

As for the grander issue, it's not that he doesn't understand your angle. It's that he's apparently able to compartmentalize his house as being just that. It might have been a marital home previously, but, to him, it's simply not anymore. Of course, it's understandable if it having previously been his marital home with his ex is too much of a stigma for you, but this is where you two fundamentally disagree. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, but this is obviously a pretty damning disagreement if unable to be reconciled. Again, as two (legally) single adults with no children together, I think the situation is relatively fair for what it is. But, in your shoes, I definitely wouldn't commit to investing in extending the home or even starting a family within that home without some form of legally enforceable assurance of having stake in the property.

Hi,

Need a bit of advice, sorry if it's a bit long!

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have both gone through divorce from our previous relationships. When I met my partner I was renting but he owned his house. After a year together we decided for me to move in to his house. We are now trying to start a family and looking to either move house or extend his house. I feel quite strongly about moving due to this house being his previous marital home and nothing is in my name and I don't think it will ever feel like my home and not to mention the in laws are only down the road!! However my other half is more reluctant to move and wants to extend instead and he doesn't seem to understand my reasoning for wanting to move. We had a few valuations on the house recently to get an idea, he seems interested and then he seems to talk himself out of it again. I brought it up again my feelings about it but he said he had the primary decision on what we do because it's his house so I basically don't have a say. Might make me sound like a right cow but it kind of hurt me. We have joint bank accounts so my money also goes towards mortgage and bills. I understand as nothing is in my name I would have no legal right to anything and it has made me think today. I am 28 and I feel I am risking alot if he ever left me (I don't have any doubts he will but you never know) but if he did I would have absolutely nothing! Do I have a right to suggest I have my own savings in my separate account just in case?

I have no idea what to do or am I over reacting?

The two of you are supposed to be in a committed relationship. That means making the big decisions together. Making compromises for one another if neccessary. Unless there would cause a huge financial strain on you both your feelings should be considered. He needs to know that he can't make the decision for you both. It seems very selfish that he even wants to keep his old house after listening to how you feel. It shows a bit of disrespect. Just maybe not be so verbal about him selling it. Make your opinion very clear in a nice efficient way then allow him to come to this decision on his own. If in the end he won't sell then maybe you both should evaluate if the relationship is worth it.

I am 28 and I feel I am risking a lot if he ever left me (I don't have any doubts he will but you never know) but if he did I would have absolutely nothing! Do I have a right to suggest I have my own savings in my separate account just in case?

 

Unless you have a legally binding commitment which means you will be taken care of if you split, it's your responsibility to ensure your own future security. Not even because you're worried that your relationship will break down, but you never know what the future holds. He could be run over by a bus tomorrow, say, even if he never had any intention of leaving you.

 

Don't suggest that you have your own savings in a separate account. Just create an account, if you haven't got one already, and save the money you need in it. He is correct when he says that it's his house and he gets to say what happens with it. By the same token, you're talking about your savings - and YOU get to say what happens with the money. You don't need to ask his permission or even tell him.

 

I've found that a useful way to deal with finances in a relationship is for each party to have their own bank accounts, plus a joint one for joint expenses. This situation arose because we were both self-employed and needed separate accounts anyway, but it worked so well I'd recommend it to anyone.

 

Oh, and don't even contemplate getting pregnant until the situation with the house is finalised. Just don't.

No, you don't want your name on his house. And you want separate accounts. Your name is "not on anything" -- on the contrary - it should be on YOUR car, YOUR bank accounts, etc. And I don't think he should put a girlfriend's name on the home he previously owned with his first wife. If the girlfriend decides to leave - would that be fair for him to have to give up a home he worked hard to get way before she was in the picture? You should have YOUR bills in your name and if you come to agreement that some bills are in your name and you are responsible for - like the cable - then so be it.

 

I would not hassle him about selling the house. Only he can decide that and he doesn't have much incentive to sell his house to appease a girlfriend. Now - renting the house out and living elsewhere together if you can present a valid argument for that - but you have had no qualms of living in his marital home up until this point. And if you push the issue -- "i will have nothing when we split up" - you will look like you are after his "stuff" and nothing more. So go out and buy your own condo as an investment property to rent out so that you "have" something.

 

I would, instead, work on YOUR financial future - you should have your OWN savings and checking account and should be paying money into that savings every paycheck.

 

And you should NOT start a family with this man - you should secure your own financial future -- and not be a baby momma. Have a child with a man who is married to you. you can't be timid when its about your own future. you have already been divorced once and you are not even 30 -- so maybe its time to consider these things. You divorced and then tumbled into living with this guy after a quick year and now want to have a say over his property - i think there are things you need to look at here.