Trust issues and jealosy

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have 2 girls (age6,7). He has had the trust issues from very beginning. So I made some compromises: stopped using make up, dressed only per his approval, communicated about where I was throughout the day... It’s just been exhausting... I would think after so many years it would stop, but it’s still there, and I’m tired. So I just got back from my work trip after 4 days away, btw I didn’t choose to go, it happens only once a year, a whole company conference where I have to go away. So when I texted saying I’m driving from the airport, he said let me know when I’m 5 min out so he can disappear, because he is too mad at me... So it’s been 3 hours, he returned, but we didn’t say a word to each other. I do not think I did anything wrong and ready to give up. What to do? I can’t let the kids down.

Now there is a guy with a big problem. As well as a childish attitude - leaving your house before you get home is ridiculous. His control over what you wear is also over the top. No you didnt do anything wrong. That man needs some serious therapy/counselling. If he won't go, then you need to go on your own and get some perspective and help to decide how to proceed. Myself - I'd be gone. You have girls, what's he going to be like when they get to be teens?

What inside you said it was a good idea to bring children into the world with a man like this? I am genuinely curious.

Sorry, lady, but with a man like this, your family is ****ed. Don't know where you are geographically, but you need to start looking into how to get you and your kids out of there.

Just wow.

This is kind of how my ex-husband was. He was jealous-suspicious of any/all. When I went on trips with the kids to see my family, he would spend the time worrying that I was leaving him (for no explainable reason) and to my consistent objection, would have homecoming gifts, banners and cards because to his mind, he had lost us. While I was away he would call my family's house phone 3-4 times a day, checking in on me, annoying everyone. These were 2-5 day trips 1-2 times per year max. I also let my appearance go back then, thinking this would appease him and then I wouldn't have to deal with jealousy. Unless this can be answered and corrected via therapy before you start talking divorce, it's not going to self correct. It sets up a very strange dynamic for your daughters to witness. Mom is afraid to make herself look pretty. Kids won't know what to name it, but they will have a sense that you aren't allowed to be yourself and that it's via some kind of control by dad. By leaving things the way they are, this teaches the girls that this behavior from dad is acceptable and they will categorize it as acceptable behavior in their future mates. Couples therapy. Therapy for yourself. Perhaps start secretly gearing for divorce since his anger levels are so high; or at least separation. I'm sorry I can't advise there is a positive outlook. Good luck dealing with this.

You shouldn’t have to cut off pieces of you to fit in an ever smaller box your partner wants you to fit in.

Why would you think it would change? You never should have married him.

Get out of the marriage. You are setting a poor example for your kids. You let the kids down by staying with him!

Oh my goodness - you stopped wearing makeup and only dress up when he tells you it's ok to? Did you really call him when you were 5 minutes away so he could "disappear"? (?) And where did he bring the girls - did he bring the girls with him when he disappeared? They probably really missed you when you were away and wanted to greet you at the door, and their father wouldn't let them! This is not only detrimental to you, but it's terrible for your girls. They are seeing that this is ok to treat a woman this way, and it's not. They will grow up thinking it's ok for men to do this. Do you want this? As hard as it might be, you should get out of this relationship immediately. This man is only bringing you down, and he will bring your children down too.

And when you said, "I don't want to let the kids down" -- you are only letting them down by continuing to be in this relationship. If/Once you leave, they will understand and probably be relieved for you. Yes they are young, but they most likely know what is going on and they see the way dad treats mom. Trust me, they'll be fine if you left him and got yourself back in order and to a healthier place.

I hope everything is going better, you deserve to live a better life then this! :-)