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Thread: Advice: Confused - 7 months break up

  1. #1

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    Advice: Confused - 7 months break up

    Hi
    My boyfriend ended out relationship after 1 year where no issues and all was going was but it happened at a time where he admitted to struggling with a level of depression ( he had experienced years before following his mirrage breakdown). We discussed it creeping on and he also asked me to bear with him, and I did adn supported and tried to be there ( this was July) but a few weeks later he said he needed to do this alone and ended things at that point but I still let him know I was here for him during this and checked in
    Anyway eventually he was luck enoigh to work through to a better place and we got to have a talk (on text again) and he thanked my for my understanding with everything and sorry it didnt work out as , like I never really mattered that much - so basically telling me that the decision he made in the dark time was the decison he wanted to keep in place - was like being dumped all over again to be fair ( September) and that I never got a proper break up / explanation
    He asked to be friends - I said yes but wasnt sure if I could as I still loved him
    We kept some contact - not all the time but chit chat
    At one point though - I admitted that I wasnt sure if I could be friends as i still had feelings for him ( id take him back tomorrow) and it might not be good for me as confusing messages etc.
    His reaction surprised and confused me, was as if I had been the one who had broke up with him and that I was denying friendship - he was really annoyed and off with me and went off the call and blocked me from everything immediatley ( we had stayed friends on social media through all of this) - I didnt understand why he was acting this way
    Spoke to him a week or so later - and he said it was just a reaction and unblocked me
    Spoke at christmas etc and New Year - all OK all be it a bit one sided from me
    Recently he surprised me following me offering a raffle prize that I thought his son would like - he was pleased to accept and even though I offered to post he even offered to pop round for a coffee to collect it (a positive - he wanting to see in person) - however he didnt make a firm plan and then lockdown happened
    Jump to last week - contct OK but sporadic - I ran into him in person for the firt time since July - was a bit awkward but nice to see him - he was with his son so wasnt chance to catch up , however followed it up with a text saying nice to see you and shame we didnt catch up
    He replied saying same - so I offered maybe a virtual one on facetime over a glass of wine
    His response of HA just confused me so asked what he meant - and he said that it wasnt right to do facetiming each other.
    I said OK thas fine but as I was a bit confused I did ask why as I though we were all OK especially as intended to come for a coffee and was just being friendly
    He said I know he just doesnt need to be doing facetime or anything like that its not right
    I said Ok sorry he feels that way and his reply was off really - and pretty much said he had told me he would collect the top and he will lets just leave things there
    I probably should jave left it there but I just said look dont want it to be awkward, rather you pop round because you would want to rather than obliged to so itll be better if I just drop the top off when he isnt home - so his son isnt missing out.

    The following day - he text to say leave things - 'hope I am safe and well but leave him from now on and thats is'
    24 Hours later - he blocks me on Social media ( hoever not his netflix account - which he shared with me through all of this)
    I was taken a back as to why this reaction from simple friendly offer.
    Yesterday I went to drop the top off at his house - His car wasnt there so he wasnt in which was what I wanted - however as I approached his car turned into the street and so had to face him
    He thanked me for the top - I didnt know what to say , I dont like bad feeling so I just said look , If I offended you the other day I apologise totally and planned to then walk away
    He said I hadnt offended him, but thought I had taken thing the wrong way, and I said his reaction looked he had taken offence and was never intended as was just ebing friendly and he came out with , I know and its nice to have a friend so we can carry on as we are etc we are all good
    He would send me a pic of his son in the sports top and let him know if was off me ( which I said didnt have to as it was a raffle prize that was all not a gift as such)
    We left it there ( id didnt mention being blocked) - he hasnt reversed it yet.
    I am just confused on the change in behaviour - I cant read it and my mind goes everywhere

    Am I just seeing things that are not there or is be being odd around what he wants / thinks his reactions are quite extreme

    Do I ask him about being blocked or leave it ?

    Could he have moved on and just hiding it - he has kept saying he isnt looking for a relationship, he cant committ to anyone he needs to focus on work and his son, but feel that is just a cop out
    He has asked me if I had met anyone or had been going out on dates not long ago - I said I had been on a few dates and had fun but nothing serious - was that him testing the water so he could be open with his?? I asked if he had and he just said he had been carrying on a had been nothing had changed ( I didnt push for anymore info but that was cryptic!)

    Any advice.......

    Apologies for long rant :-) Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    I would just leave it, and work harder to move on.

    This is all too complicated to ever work out well, OP. He's inconsistent and, yes, probably dating other women. You and he don't want the same things from these random contacts. He likes the attention from you when it's convenient for him, whereas you're trying to construct a jumping-off point toward reconciliation. It's not going to go the way you hope. Being friends is only going to hurt you when he finally does get into a new relationship, and not with you.

    Let him keep you blocked so you can really let go. The right man for you doesn't act like this one does.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Don't be his friend. You need to leave him and his son alone before he takes out a restraining order. The "proper breakup" was in July, the rest was you chasing and him pushing you away. Let go and move forward.
    Originally Posted by DD312
    he said he needed to do this alone and ended things. I never got a proper break up


    24 Hours later - he blocks me on Social media- he hasnt reversed it yet.
    Yesterday I went to drop the top off at his house

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with MissCanuck.

    I'm sorry he jerked you around and didn't just break up with you in the first place. I don't know why some people make breaking up so difficult. Probably because they are weak and need to blame some mental health reason. Not that they don't have a real issue, but people know what they do. And it's so much more respectful to just honest. But they are selfish. They can't be truthful because they don't want to burn the bridge. They want to keep you around so they create a reason that allows them to continue to lie and manipulate you.

    I think the best thing you can do is completely walk away. Recognize this person is weak. Is making it awkward because he just doesn't have it in him and you are capable of finding better. Don't let his BS confuse you, you see how he is and it's done. Not because of him but because of you....You know there are better men out there.

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  6. #5

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    Thanks for you reply - apprectiate the advice
    Just to clarify - I have always repected his wishes with his son and took his lead on everything in terms of meeting when he was ready etc - that I would never challenge or disresepct, in relation to this top - it was a raffle prize and just something that I aksed if he would like for his son ( a signed sports top from his favourite team) and I didnt want to go to waste - it was out of the blue winning it and we were in contact at the time - he was pleased to be offered it ( I couldnt think of anyone else I knew who would appreciate it)
    He had agreed for to me drop the top off - It was by accident that I ran into him (not his son) and handed it to him - the plan was to leave while he was out of the house at work. I wouldnt have left it if he had been home (in contact or not)
    My confusuon is that he blocked me and THEN said we were OK and it is nice to have a friend and then not reversing the block - I wont challenge it - I just thought it was odd and 2 extremes of behaviour

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DD312
    Thanks for you reply - apprectiate the advice
    Just to clarify - I have always repected his wishes with his son and took his lead on everything in terms of meeting when he was ready etc - that I would never challenge or disresepct, in relation to this top - it was a raffle prize and just something that I aksed if he would like for his son ( a signed sports top from his favourite team) and I didnt want to go to waste - it was out of the blue winning it and we were in contact at the time - he was pleased to be offered it ( I couldnt think of anyone else I knew who would appreciate it)
    He had agreed for to me drop the top off - It was by accident that I ran into him (not his son) and handed it to him - the plan was to leave while he was out of the house at work. I wouldnt have left it if he had been home (in contact or not)
    My confusuon is that he blocked me and THEN said we were OK and it is nice to have a friend and then not reversing the block - I wont challenge it - I just thought it was odd and 2 extremes of behaviour



    Because he didn't want to feel bad. This guy probably doesn't want to hear from you but will be nice to your face. Unfortunately, you have feelings for him so you see what you want to see. That he really does want to be friends, that he didn't mean to block you, that if he only knew he blocked you, he would unblock you.this is your heart and emotions confused with what your brain probably knows.

    I have totally been there. I could still kick myself for seeing the good in someone long after it was gone. But we've all been there. Take all that compassion, understanding, and love and give it to yourself. Stay away from him. Remove yourself from his Netflix before he changes the password, if you can.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    [/B]Because he didn't want to feel bad. This guy probably doesn't want to hear from you but will be nice to your face.
    That's how I would take it, too.

    Him keeping you blocked is going to be a blessing in disguise, OP. Being unblocked would likely just keep you hooked on something that doesn't have a future.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He doesn't hate you so he was fine with contact. However, he (rightfully) saw that every contact made you have hope you two would get back together or were starting on the path to get back together. He doesn't want that so he backs off when he sees you getting overly excited about his contact.

    In my eyes he is trying to do the right thing. He's fumbling a bit but he's not maliciously leading you on and then dumping you again.

  10. #9

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    Hi DD312, I think it's best to forgive yourself and him, and move on. It doesn't seem healthy for you to continue like this, stay blocked from him. I'm sorry he wasn't as forthright as you wanted in sharing how he's feeling. You can only control your own response to situations. I wish you the best, and will be praying for you as you disconnect and move forward!


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