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How important is being on time?


mandeelove

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My now ex bf was always late to our dates or anything we had to do. 2 years of dating and I can't remember when he ever didn't keep me waiting somewhere for more than 20 mins. I always was on time. Somehow he always bent the rules.

 

The other night I confirmed our date 5 times. He even got annoyed bcuz I kept double checking the time. But thats usually what I do since he is inconsistent.

 

I showed up on time and noticed he wasnt home yet. I thought" here we go again". (I only drive to him by the way. He never comes to me). I called him and he said he was still out at the bar with his friend and that I should come to that bar and pick up his house key to let myself in. Implying he was going to stay out longer. I got so upset, gave him a piece of my mind , and drove all the way back home. I couldnt even stomach what he did. I just left.

 

This is just one symptom of our relationship issues. He never respects things when it comes to me. Im always last. But with other people, hes ALWAyS on time. Early even! Its only me with whom hes late and does disrespectful things. When I told him this he said its my fault. I should of drove to get the house key and Im the weirdo for going home. Never admitted he was an hour late and we had a date at a certain time. Ultimatley we broke up and he told me he hated me.

 

I guess Im just venting and also trying to have anyone agree with me. He makes me feel like its always my fault. Am I right in this situation? How important is respecting time in your relationships? Would u dump a guy or girl over this if it kept happening? And why would a person be on time for everything else except you?

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I think you're asking the wrong question. Here is how I see your issues:

 

"How important is it that your partner put in the same level of effort that he puts in with other people to be on time and act in a reliable way?"

 

The way you framed it it could vary a lot -some people care more about timeliness than others (I care a lot). So some couples decide to let it go if one person is chronically late -maybe that person picks his battles, or finds ways to deal with it, or knows that his/her flaws are also apparent and he gets slack cut. My husband has gotten better at being on time and I pick my battles. This morning he hit snooze and as a result he left 10 minutes later with my son for an activity we paid $$ for that started at a certain time and he'd promised to get there early so my son could be there for a pre-activity. But it was nice of him to take him, nice to spend the morning with him so I could get stuff done and this wasn't about timeliness for school so I put my annoyance aside and said nothing.

 

 

So again it's individual -you have to figure out your boundaries, standards and values and stick to them. (consistency is very important). But I think you know it's not whether "timeliness" is important in a relationship but whether your partner treats you with the same respect he treats his friends and family. That's a different and more serious issue.

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It is disrespectful.

 

We teach others how to treat us. If someone has repeatedly kept me waiting for long periods, I would leave. You need to show people that they cannot disrespect you.

 

If he had not left the bar, he was showing you that he did not respect you, or value your time.

 

If he is ontime for everything else, it shows he does not care about you,

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It is disrespectful.

 

We teach others how to treat us. If someone has repeatedly kept me waiting for long periods, I would leave. You need to show people that they cannot disrespect you.

 

If he had not left the bar, he was showing you that he did not respect you, or value your time.

 

If he is ontime for everything else, it shows he does not care about you,

 

Yes, same here, I was only trying to point out that some couples might not care as much about timeliness if it's not about catching a plane or going to a movie - they bring a book to read or work to do and choose their battles. It's not for me to say whether their standards are too low or they don't ask for the right amount of respect. Her situation is different because she told him it bothers her and she sees that he is perfectly capable of being on time when needed.

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Mandee, you've complained about him over and over again for months, then you said you ended it (more than once, I believe). Then you come back and refer to him as your "boyfriend" again, saying "Oh, we worked it out". Then another issue comes up.

 

When will you decide this guy isn't the right one for you once and for all? Why keep going back? Why keep trying to force this to work?

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Yes, same here, I was only trying to point out that some couples might not care as much about timeliness if it's not about catching a plane or going to a movie - they bring a book to read or work to do and choose their battles. It's not for me to say whether their standards are too low or they don't ask for the right amount of respect. Her situation is different because she told him it bothers her and she sees that he is perfectly capable of being on time when needed.
Yes I hear you about picking battles. I also hear you about where they lack one thing they make up for in another.

 

Yes he's always on time for others and not me. Example he was on time to meet that friend in the bar. It was a meeting at 7pm which he said would be about 20 minutes. He made our date 8 15. I got there 8 15. I dont see where he would say " come get the house key, I'm staying out longer now." I would like him to tell the friend hes got to go now due to our date.. . The same way he was on time for the friend...

 

So this is my point. Its a level of respect that I need. I wasnt late because I respect him but he doesnt do that for me. Your statement about effort and respect is def my main concern. I think if he was unreliable to family , friends, and work, then Id say this guy is just unreliable. But the fact he holds others above me is what the argument is about. He has a great reputation with others.

 

Then after voicing my disgust, he blames me and he cant deal with me.

 

Something like this I feel cant be taught because hes only doing it to me. I feel at a loss with this.

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If he's your ex why are you meeting up with him? Why are you even talking to him? Why are you ragging at him for being late?

 

I think the more you rag at him the longer he will take to get to wherever he's supposed to be. Passive aggressive behaviour.

He is my ex now . We broke up after this incident about being late again. He was my bf though at the moment so I wasnt hanging with an ex .

 

I only ragged on him because its literally everytime. I try to work around him. By calling, confirming the date over and over, leaving later so I could be late myself. But nothing works. I hate to be a nag but it never gets fixed .

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He is my ex now . We broke up after this incident about being late again. He was my bf though at the moment so I wasnt hanging with an ex .

 

I only ragged on him because its literally everytime. I try to work around him. By calling, confirming the date over and over, leaving later so I could be late myself. But nothing works. I hate to be a nag but it never gets fixed .

 

Ahhh, got it. So you were on-again, off-again with this guy? I hope you're off- for GOOD with him now.

 

Being late is a huge pet peeve of mine. I withstood it for a long time with an old boyfriend years ago, and he, too, was on time for everyone but me. Once that relationship ended, I vowed to never get into a relationship where the other person didn't respect my time.

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Mandee, you've complained about him over and over again for months, then you said you ended it (more than once, I believe). Then you come back and refer to him as your "boyfriend" again, saying "Oh, we worked it out". Then another issue comes up.

 

When will you decide this guy isn't the right one for you once and for all? Why keep going back? Why keep trying to force this to work?

Because I feel I put so much time and effort in it, I want it to work. I want him to wake up. But then something comes up and we are right back to the same issues. Im the only one who tries but hes in it too and doesnt stay away. He comes back after every break up. He makes the initiative so thats when I feel I can be hopeful again. I guess just kidding myself . He never changes behavior for the long term. It lasts only about a few weeks .
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He is my ex now . We broke up after this incident about being late again. He was my bf though at the moment so I wasnt hanging with an ex .

 

I only ragged on him because its literally everytime. I try to work around him. By calling, confirming the date over and over, leaving later so I could be late myself. But nothing works. I hate to be a nag but it never gets fixed .

 

There have been more issues than being late. Are you going to reengage, again? When are you going to be done with this?

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Because I feel I put so much time and effort in it, I want it to work. I want him to wake up. But then something comes up and we are right back to the same issues. Im the only one who tries but hes in it too and doesnt stay away. He comes back after every break up. He makes the initiative so thats when I feel I can be hopeful again. I guess just kidding myself . He never changes behavior for the long term. It lasts only about a few weeks .

 

He has shown you who he is, time and again.

 

Why do you continue to waste even more time with someone, who shows you they do not value you? How many more years are you going to put into this, to realize that this is who he is? People do not change.

 

Get some counseling.

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Because I feel I put so much time and effort in it, I want it to work. I want him to wake up. But then something comes up and we are right back to the same issues. Im the only one who tries but hes in it too and doesnt stay away. He comes back after every break up. He makes the initiative so thats when I feel I can be hopeful again. I guess just kidding myself . He never changes behavior for the long term. It lasts only about a few weeks .

 

So how many years do you want to continue to waste trying to force this relationship that clearly doesn't work?

 

Dr. Phil says the only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for 2 years is staying in it for 2 years and 1 day.

 

Yeah, I get that it hasn't been ALL bad (they seldom are), but while you're trying desperately to get this guy to "see" what he's doing that's hurtful...you could be dating a guy who treats you with loving respect. ALL the time. And you wouldn't have to tell him how.

 

When are you going to realize this guy doesn't WANT to treat you with loving respect? Sure, he creeps back around but that's because he's lazy and doesn't want to try to find sex or another woman who will accept his poor treatment. It's not because he just loves you so gosh darned much he can't stay away.

 

I know I'd rather choose Option B...the guy I don't have to beg or berate or wish into treating me lovingly and respectfully.

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I guess Im just venting and also trying to have anyone agree with me. He makes me feel like its always my fault. Am I right in this situation? How important is respecting time in your relationships? Would u dump a guy or girl over this if it kept happening? And why would a person be on time for everything else except you?
You are wrong to stay past one conversation explaining to him what he is doing is disrespectful and a clear 'tell' that he doesn't value you. If the same behavior happens again after your conversation about it, then you would be right to leave him and stay gone because it would be clear that he doesn't value you and doesn't care that he hurts you

 

Have that kind of personal boundary in place and you'll not be wasting your emotions or time on anyone again.

 

If you invested your savings in a fund that kept losing you money would you keep investing in that financial failure or would you pull it out and put it in something that increases in value and keeps your future safe?

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He is my ex now . We broke up after this incident about being late again. He was my bf though at the moment so I wasnt hanging with an ex .

 

I only ragged on him because its literally everytime. I try to work around him. By calling, confirming the date over and over, leaving later so I could be late myself. But nothing works. I hate to be a nag but it never gets fixed .

 

Then you are done with him. He is who he is, he didnt respect you enough to be on time. Sometimes things happen that make a person late but habitually late is another story. Giving him repeated grief when he's late just makes him do it all the more.

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Hold on, so you are his ex, but he asked you to come get the house key from the bar, then you were going to let yourself into his house? Why didn’t you just meet him and his friend at the bar?
No he was my bf at the time. Im calling him my ex now because after that we broke up.

 

He had a date planned with me. I showed up on time at his house. Instead of leaving the bar and telling the friend he had to go, he came up with this idea of me getting his key so I can wait at his house while he stayed out longer. The bar wasnt our date. We had something else planned. It was handled all wrong on his end.

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You are wrong to stay past one conversation explaining to him what he is doing is disrespectful and a clear 'tell' that he doesn't value you. If the same behavior happens again after your conversation about it, then you would be right to leave him and stay gone because it would be clear that he doesn't value you and doesn't care that he hurts you

 

Have that kind of personal boundary in place and you'll not be wasting your emotions or time on anyone again.

 

If you invested your savings in a fund that kept losing you money would you keep investing in that financial failure or would you pull it out and put it in something that increases in value and keeps your future safe?

I do see I am at fault in this because after previous disrespectful incidents or him being late, Id explain Im offended by it but he wouldnt change the behaviors. So therefore I showed him its ok .

 

This time I left totally and told him off. But he still blamed me saying it was my fault and that I could of just picked up his key and wait for him. This wasnt a "stuck in traffic" kind of late. It was a blatant disrespect. He could of left but he chose to just stay out longer disregarding our plans.

 

Like you said I should have left after the first incident but I didnt. I have a huge issue with setting boundaries and sticking to it.

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I do see I am at fault in this because after previous disrespectful incidents or him being late, Id explain Im offended by it but he wouldnt change the behaviors. So therefore I showed him its ok .

 

This time I left totally and told him off. But he still blamed me saying it was my fault and that I could of just picked up his key and wait for him. This wasnt a "stuck in traffic" kind of late. It was a blatant disrespect. He could of left but he chose to just stay out longer disregarding our plans.

 

Like you said I should have left after the first incident but I didnt. I have a huge issue with setting boundaries and sticking to it.

 

Is this the same dude you said was a narcissist? What is in the water lately?

 

You are actively choosing to be with someone who is disrespecting you. Hes going to be who he is, he does not owe it to you to change who he is. If hes a bad boyfriend you walk away, people are not projects, considering the fact that you claim to work in the mental health field I find it incredibly troubling how dismissive you are of you own well being. Doesnt add up, but far be it from me to call you a liar.

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So, sounds like you're on again off again. If you stay done with him, then there are no future problems with him.

If you get back together, then if I was you--I would show up incredibly late for a plan that was difficult for him. That will probably p*ss him off and then you can have your final break up! lol If it doesn't break you up for the final time--then I predict he will escalate his own lateness over the 1 time you were late. This also will be a deal breaker.

If you get back together, and can't return the lateness to him, then please stop catering to him and driving over to him. He needs to make an effort; which he won't, so dealbreaker.

Overall, I would say, just stay broken up with him. Your description shows all types of disrespect that he is giving and you are accepting. You can do better.

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No he was my bf at the time. Im calling him my ex now because after that we broke up.

 

He had a date planned with me. I showed up on time at his house. Instead of leaving the bar and telling the friend he had to go, he came up with this idea of me getting his key so I can wait at his house while he stayed out longer. The bar wasnt our date. We had something else planned. It was handled all wrong on his end.

 

This is so blatantly disrespectful that I'm inclined to think it was done intentionally to piss you off.

 

I mean to propose something like that, and expect that you would go along with it, takes a real hard pair of b****, lemeyellya.

 

Especially given all your past issues with him being late and generally irresponsible. He really pushed the envelope there, and it sounds intentional.

 

Mandee, the reason he never changed was because despite all your nagging, you still allowed it!

 

That was your mutual "dance" -- he acts like a d***, you nag and complain, he's "good" for a little while, you have hope, then reverts back, you nag again, lather rinse repeat!

 

If it were me, I would not nag. I'm not his mother for chrissakes. I just wouldn't always be around whenever he decided to show up. Or I would just end it.

 

I have learned that men don't respond to nagging or even talking sometimes. In one ear and out the other.

 

They repond to a woman's actions -- less available, doing her own thing, or just walking away.

 

If he learns anything, let him take that lesson with him to his "next" relationship!

 

Cause if you keep taking him back, essentially accepting his bulls***, he won't learn a damn thing other than mandee is a pushover, a doormat (sorry) and despite her nagging; I can do what I want with no consequences.

 

This man did not respect you, sorry.

 

Now that it's over, hopefully for good, instead of ragging on him for his poor behavior, spend some time introspecting about your own behavior and why you chose to keep going back expecting him to change when he had shown you time and time again, he had no interest or intention of changing!

 

At least not for you.

 

I am so sorry, I know this hurts. But hopefully lesson learned for next relationship?

 

Hugs mandee and good luck!

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This is so blatantly disrespectful that I'm inclined to think it was done intentionally to piss you off.

 

I mean to propose something like that, and expect that you would go along with it, takes a real hard pair of b****, lemeyellya.

 

Especially given all your past issues with him being late and generally irresponsible. He really pushed the envelope there, and it sounds intentional.

 

Mandee, the reason he never changed was because despite all your naggimg, you still allowed it!

 

That was your mutual "dance" -- he acts like a d***, you nag and complain, he's "good" for a little while, you have hope, then reverts back, you nag again, lather rinse repeat!

 

If it were me, I would not nag. I'm not his mother for chrissakes. I just wouldn't always be around whenever he decided to show up. Or I would just end it.

 

I have learned that men don't respond to nagging or even talking sometimes. In one ear and out the other.

 

They repond to a woman's actions -- less available, doing her own thing, or just walking away.

 

If he learns anything, let him take that lesson with him to his "next" relationship!

 

Cause if you keep taking him back, essentially accepting his bulls***, he won't learn a damn thing other than mandee is a pushover, a doormat (sorry) and despite her nagging; I can do what I want with no consequences.

 

This man did not respect you, sorry.

 

Now that it's over, hopefully for good, instead of ragging on him for his poor behavior, spend some time introspecting about your own behavior and why you chose to keep going back expecting him to change when he had shown you time and time again, he had no interest or intention of changing!

 

At least not for you.

 

I am so sorry, I know this hurts. But hopefully lesson learned for next relationship?

 

Hugs mandee and good luck!

I never showed him any actions where I had a backbone so you are right. I am responsible for alot of why we still had a relationship and why he continued to act wrong. If I put my foot down and kept to it, Im sure he either would of ran away OR stepped up to the plate (highly doubt that though). I would always want to talk about our issues, he'd yes me to death, then never change. Or he'd just say Im annoying and strug me off. (Not talk for a few days) I had alot of built up resentment.

 

I dont know if he did it intentionally but I see your point. He suggested the date that night, not me. So kind of strange how when I got there he made it look like I showed up on his night out with the friend. It made no sense. And he blamed me for leaving like that was wrong.

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