Can you be happy with someone who isn't your true love?

I came out of an almost 8 month long relationship in February. It's been just over two months now, and while I feel I've grieved, got over the heartbreak, and accepted that it's over, I still love her.

 

I know we won't get back together, but I can't help but still have these feelings. I feel she was perfect for me, and I don't think I'll ever find someone who will make me feel this way again.

 

I think I'm probably just going to be alone unless I settle for someone who I don't love just to avoid being alone (which is the last thing I want to do), and while I think it could be possible to find someone who's 'close enough' to what I want, it won't be the same and I might not love them in such a genuine and pure way as I did with my ex. Is it possible to be happy and love someone even if they aren't your "true love"?

That's kind of circular. If your mindset is that there is only "one true love" then it's mostly a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am not a fan of settling. I didn't settle. But I did have to become the right person to find the right person. Part of that is realizing it's not just about "make me feel" -love isn't a car wash or a shower where feelings just wash over you. You have to be ready to give even when you're not very inspired to give, you have to be open to the excited feeling that might differ from the excitement that is fueled by the unknown -will she call/will she accept another date/does she feel the same? Love is a feeling but in a healthy relationship it's much more about giving. It's about wanting to put the other person's feelings first even when you're not feeling "it" -even when your ego is telling you otherwise.

 

It's fine if your core value is that there is only one true love and she was it -no judgment because there's nothing wrong with choosing to pine away and choosing not to be with another person because to you it would be settling. You're not hurting anyone by doing that (you may be hurting yourself but not in a way that's concerning -many people choose to be on their own instead of married/committed). It's also your choice to see if your mindset might be you getting in your own way.

 

Also consider why the relationship ended - maybe she wasn't so perfect for you?

She was your “true love” up until that point in your life. No tellin what the future holds. Your just as liable to meet someone who makes how you felt for her seem like nothing.

I'm still trying to work out why things ended, but I'm not sure. The only issues we had (that she told me about, at least) were that she felt I was holding back with her out of fear of upsetting or offending her, and how I wasn't always able to tell if she was joking meaning she wasn't able to have back and forth teasing with me. I was trying to work on these things, but I'm not sure if that's what lead to us breaking up since she just said that things weren't working out and that 'something felt off' but she didn't really say what it was. I agreed to break up as I didn't want her to stay if she wasn't happy.

I'm still trying to work out why things ended, but I'm not sure. The only issues we had (that she told me about, at least) were that she felt I was holding back with her out of fear of upsetting or offending her, and how I wasn't always able to tell if she was joking meaning she wasn't able to have back and forth teasing with me. I was trying to work on these things, but I'm not sure if that's what lead to us breaking up since she just said that things weren't working out and that 'something felt off' but she didn't really say what it was. I agreed to break up as I didn't want her to stay if she wasn't happy.

 

My sense is what felt off to her was that you were being passive/more of a doormat and so insecure that she couldn't banter with you at risk of you taking it the wrong way so she was walking on egg shells. Had it been true love in a healthy sense you would have felt a lot more at home with her and more comfortable with her. Of course it takes two so if her "jokes" were more sarcastic or passive-aggressive then your reaction would make sense. It's all well and good to claim to be "working" on "those things" but that's mostly psychobabble in your situation. It doesn't sound like you were taking specific actions and making specific choices to change your reactions and to take the risk of being yourself even when it meant showing your boundaries and asserting yourself. Being with a yes person/doormat feels very off and uncomfortable for people who don't relish having complete control over another person (and those who do are unhealthy).

I have Asperger's, so it's a bit harder for me to tell if someone's joking. I did make an effort, and attempted to have the banter with her. The jokes were admittedly more sarcastic, which sometimes got lost on me. Other than that, everything was okay, she even said before we broke up that she loved me and that she was happy asides from that one thing.

It's common to feel the way you do, fresh out of a relationship. Many people experience that until the grieving part finishes and the healing part begins. There are probably thousands of people in the world you could have chemistry with. That's biological. Most people have to date many partners before finding someone who, besides chemistry, also shares compatible life goals, similar ethics, and a comfortable ease with each other, along with a joyful companionship.

 

You two didn't mesh that way. One day you will meet a woman who everything will seem a little easier with and you will be crazy about her and she will be crazy about you. At that point you will be happy that your former relationship didn't work out.

It's common to feel the way you do, fresh out of a relationship. Many people experience that until the grieving part finishes and the healing part begins. There are probably thousands of people in the world you could have chemistry with. That's biological. Most people have to date many partners before finding someone who, besides chemistry, also shares compatible life goals, similar ethics, and a comfortable ease with each other, along with a joyful companionship.

 

You two didn't mesh that way. One day you will meet a woman who everything will seem a little easier with and you will be crazy about her and she will be crazy about you. At that point you will be happy that your former relationship didn't work out.

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

Give yourself more time to grieve.

You will find that as time passes, your opinions and feeling could very well change. Basically, in order for someone to be your true love, they'd have to feel the same way back towards you as you did to them. If this women left you, then she didn't love you the same, but that doesn't mean you can't find someone who isn't just as compatible and does love you as much as you love her.

Mourn the loss, but keep moving forward and don't give up hope of finding someone who is better for you.

I have Asperger's, so it's a bit harder for me to tell if someone's joking. I did make an effort, and attempted to have the banter with her. The jokes were admittedly more sarcastic, which sometimes got lost on me. Other than that, everything was okay, she even said before we broke up that she loved me and that she was happy asides from that one thing.

 

I'm glad she knew that about you and since she did I am surprised that she would have that level of frustration.

You aren't over her at all, you said so in your first paragraph. It'd be really cruel of you to start dating someone else who was "close to" the kind of person you want, when you dont really want her.

That's kind of what I'm saying, I don't really want that at all. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get over her or find anyone like that again, so I'm debating whether or not being alone is just my best option

That's kind of what I'm saying, I don't really want that at all. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get over her or find anyone like that again, so I'm debating whether or not being alone is just my best option

 

Dude, you're two months out. You gotta stop telling yourself, I'm healed, I've grieved, and I still hurt now what? Because I think that's what's causing your defeatist view point. You have not fully healed, you have not fully grieved and of course you will find someone else. Allow yourself time.

That's kind of what I'm saying, I don't really want that at all. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get over her or find anyone like that again, so I'm debating whether or not being alone is just my best option

 

Therapy is also an option so you can get over her and learn to live your life in a good way.

First off, if you still love her, you're not over her, unless you're talking about friendship love which I don't sense you are. So own that, you are "not" over her and you have not yet moved on, not fully.

 

Accepted, perhaps, but even that I'm not 100% sure about. You may "think" you are, but if you had fully accepted it, and moved on, this thread would not even exist.

 

Second, jmo but one reason you're finding it difficult to move on from your feelings is cause you don't have any real sense of "closure" in that you don't know why she ended it, other than "things felt off."

 

I think walking away from a very short term RL because "things felt off" is fine, done it myself, but an 8-month RL?

 

I think she knows perfectly well "what felt off" (she stopped loving you?) but I'm only speculating, in any event, I hardly believe the reason she ended the relationship after 8 months was because you didn't get her "sarcasm" and wouldn't banter with her.

 

Sounds a bit ridiculous if that was in fact the reason.

 

Third, it's only been two months! Give yourself time!

 

If she was your first love, she will most likely always hold some special place in your heart, but eventually you will feel those *feels* again with someone else, we always do!

 

Fourth, how "perfect" could she have been if you're no longer together? You didn't understand her type of wit, on a more basic level you didn't "get" her, understand her, nor did she "get" you. And upon further reflection, "that" may have been why she ended it.

 

In short, despite your attraction, infatuation, love, you were emotionally and mentally incompatible, so no she was not perfect; in fact there is no one "perfect" person, no one is perfect, we all have flaws, best we can do is accept those flaws and work on understanding each other, what you both need, and do your best to meet those needs.

 

All that said, you seem like a good decent guy; I am sorry you're struggling!

 

It does get better though, I promise! You just need time. :)

First off, if you still love her, you're not over her, unless you're talking about friendship love which I don't sense you are. So own that, you are "not" over her and you have not yet moved on, not fully.

 

Accepted, perhaps, but even that I'm not 100% sure about. You may "think" you are, but if you had fully accepted it, and moved on, this thread would not even exist.

 

Second, jmo but one reason you're finding it difficult to move on from your feelings is cause you don't have any real sense of "closure" in that you don't know why she ended it, other than "things felt off."

 

I think walking away from a very short term RL because "things felt off" is fine, done it myself, but an 8-month RL?

 

I think she knows perfectly well "what felt off" (she stopped loving you?) but I'm only speculating, in any event, I hardly believe the reason she ended the relationship after 8 months was because you didn't get her "sarcasm" and wouldn't banter with her.

 

Sounds a bit ridiculous if that was in fact the reason.

 

Third, it's only been two months! Give yourself time!

 

If she was your first love, she will most likely always hold some special place in your heart, but eventually you will feel those *feels* again with someone else, we always do!

 

Fourth, how "perfect" could she have been if you're no longer together? You didn't understand her type of wit, on a more basic level you didn't "get" her, understand her, nor did she "get" you. And upon further reflection, "that" may have been why she ended it.

 

In short, despite your attraction, infatuation, love, you were emotionally and mentally incompatible, so no she was not perfect; in fact there is no one "perfect" person, no one is perfect, we all have flaws, best we can do is accept those flaws and work on understanding each other, what you both need, and do your best to meet those needs.

 

All that said, you seem like a good decent guy; I am sorry you're struggling!

 

It does get better though, I promise! You just need time. :)

 

I wouldn't say she was my first love, since I loved someone when I was 17, but that was different as I was younger than (I'm 24 now), and it wasn't a love that was reciprocated. This was different as I know that she did love me, as I don't think she would have stayed with me if she didn't (yet alone draw me a picture of me as a llama with a caption saying "I have a whole llama love for you").

 

By perfection, I meant that we seemed to fit together really well and we got on just as well too (in spite of the one issue we had). Because of my Asperger's, I'm really socially awkward, but that was something she loved about me, and we had similar views and interests, plus she was a vegetarian like myself (while the latter is not a massive deal breaker for me, its not bad to date a fellow vegetarian). I'm aware that no ones perfect, and I'm not after perfection, just someone who's just right for me rather than settling for the first person who happens to show an interest in me.

I came out of an almost 8 month long relationship in February. It's been just over two months now, and while I feel I've grieved, got over the heartbreak, and accepted that it's over, I still love her.

 

I know we won't get back together, but I can't help but still have these feelings. I feel she was perfect for me, and I don't think I'll ever find someone who will make me feel this way again.

 

I think I'm probably just going to be alone unless I settle for someone who I don't love just to avoid being alone (which is the last thing I want to do), and while I think it could be possible to find someone who's 'close enough' to what I want, it won't be the same and I might not love them in such a genuine and pure way as I did with my ex. Is it possible to be happy and love someone even if they aren't your "true love"?

I'm going to share a part of my story with you. I dated a guy for almost 4 years. He was the first and only gut I had truly been in love with. It was so hard letting go but like you I knew we weren't meant to be. I honestly believed you got one true love in your life. Over the next 4 years I found a happiness I was content with. I contimplated trying to date. But I decided after what I felt I couldn't compromise. It wasnt fair to guve someone else hope and not be what they needed. So I stayed single. I just did me. I felt content abd that was acceptable to me. I was seriously planning on being by myself for the rest of my life.

Then one random Tuesday night I was at work and this guy comes in and asks me for directions. I gave them to him and found myself hoping I would see him again. This took me completely off guard. I hadn't had a second thought about a man in years. But a few hours later he walks back into my work. We talk for a min and he goes to leave. Before he opens the door he asks me to have a drink with him after I get off. I couldnt but I gave him my number in case he was interested. He gave me his. The next day began the absolute happiest time in my life. We just clicked. I couldnt explain it and not matter what I couldn't fight it. There was this connection to him I felt so strongly.

A long story short I found my true soul mate that random Tuesday and we have a rare wonderfully fulfilling love and a relationship that has no bounds. Its unbelievable that I would meet my actual soul mate when I wasn't looking for anything at all.

I believe that we are given our first love to help us understand how love feels. To prepare us for the one we are meant to be with.

So maybe for now focus on you and when you least expect it your soul mate will fall in your lap.

 

Good luck and I believe you will find your soul mate!

I think you only feel that way because February was not that long ago... I think you still need more time. I also think later on you'll meet someone else and you'll look back at your 8-month relationship and realize it wasn't as great as you thought it was. I mean it had to have ended for a reason, right? Right now, focus on yourself and surround yourself with people who bring you joy. I think there may be someone else out there for you.

Why try to predict the future and assign yourself a sentence for it? You broke up in February, and 2 months later you're not healed yet. That's not alarming.

 

I wouldn't try to date until I feel open hearted and ready. Otherwise, you'll learn the yuck feeling of rebounding and create a self fulfilling prophecy. Where's the advantage in that?

Why try to predict the future and assign yourself a sentence for it? You broke up in February, and 2 months later you're not healed yet. That's not alarming.

 

I wouldn't try to date until I feel open hearted and ready. Otherwise, you'll learn the yuck feeling of rebounding and create a self fulfilling prophecy. Where's the advantage in that?

 

I definitely wouldn't want to rebound, sometimes I think I'm over it (or at least getting better), but others it feels like I'm right back at square one. I did end up going on a date with someone last month which wasn't the worst, but she said I "wasn't her type to date" but I was a decent lad (albeit really awkward), and in hindsight I'm happy it went that way as I probably would have realised I was rebounding eventually. When I broke up with my first love just before I turned 18 (we were together for just under six months), I spent six months trying to get back on track. I don't want to spend that long in this rut.

My advice - stop dating others and allow yourself to go through the process of healing.

 

At two months post-b/up, you're not even close!

 

Typical grieving is one day you feel great, believe you've moved past the pain, the next day you feel like utter crap!

 

Your emotions - one day you think you're over her, the next day you miss her. The emotional swings consist of hating, loving, infifference, anger, peace, happiness, acceptance, back to indifferent, missing her, loving her. Not in that particular order.

 

Lather rinse repeat!

 

Honestly, just let yourself experience all of this! Don't try to bury it or numb yourself by dating others. So many people go this route (did it myself!) but it doesn't work!

 

The pain and feelings only get buried within and fester, never allowing you to fully move on.

 

Give yourself time! What you are experiencing is perfectly "normal" - try to not be so hard on yourself, be patient with yourself.

 

You'll get there (healed) we all do eventually, good luck!

I know I will eventually, but I don't seem to be getting any better, and whenever I start to feel better, I end up feeling worse eventually. I don't want to spend another four months in this state.

I know I will eventually,

 

 

but I don't seem to be getting any better, and whenever I start to feel better, I end up feeling worse eventually. I don't want to spend another four months in this state.

 

Read again what I wrote about the different stages of grieving -- one day you feel great, believe you've moved on, only to feel like crap (worse) shortly thereafter.

 

Unfortunately, you're just gonna have to deal with it.

 

Eventually, you "will" move past it and be stronger (and a bit wiser) for having done so.

 

If you're unable to experience this process in a healthy way, and accept that you're just gonna have to deal, then stay away from having relationships, because there are never any guarantees that it will last.

 

Endings are as common as beginnings, but it's all good as we're always learning and growing (or should be) no matter what the outcome.

I came out of an almost 8 month long relationship in February. It's been just over two months now, and while I feel I've grieved, got over the heartbreak, and accepted that it's over, I still love her.

 

I know we won't get back together, but I can't help but still have these feelings. I feel she was perfect for me, and I don't think I'll ever find someone who will make me feel this way again.

 

You're lying to yourself. You haven't accepted that it's over, and she's not perfect for you. The two of you were not compatible, and there is someone out there who is. Once you can accept that, then you can move on.

You're lying to yourself. You haven't accepted that it's over, and she's not perfect for you. The two of you were not compatible, and there is someone out there who is. Once you can accept that, then you can move on.

 

I've accepted it, hence why I know that we aren't getting back together. We want/wanted different things (which didn't really come up at the time), but it was still the best and most fulfilling relationship I've had in spite of the difficulties we had near the end. Most the 'relationships' I'd had before then (during my late teens) were either for the sake of being with someone or because of people talking me into being with someone. This was the first time I was dating someone because I genuinely liked them and wanted to be with them. In spite of the incompatibility, I still had these feelings and they were returned (maybe mine were stronger, but I know for certain that she at least loved me at one point). It took me nearly 5 years to find someone like that, and it feels like I was lucky to cross paths with them. I just know that I don't want another relationship unless it's with someone I genuinely feel something for.